WMJ1012

Our Plan VS God's Plan

Resign from our job (playing God.)
Replace our plan with God's Plan (the 12 Steps)

So much simpler.

Katiekate

Yeah, well, addicts don't get that marriage is a partnership, things like finances , future plans, etc.. are sometimes compromises, maybe this sounds harsh but my answer to all she said would be, you asked how I felt, I told you.

My ex constantly asked for my input on things and then argued my responses. It was always circular with him, with my mother and nephew too, addicts themselves I don't bother anymore.

What's your first stop on your across the country motorcycle adventure???

Santa

That's a really young age to 'retire.' I've been working for 30+ years, all my adult life. It's what adults do, you don't get a medal for it.

And yes most people don't wake up loving their jobs. It's work.

I've been in your shoes. While we were married my XAH (diagnosed years later as bipolar) decided he wanted to go to trade school. He quit his 6-figure job (didn't ask me either) and spent a year learning a craft. I tried to be philosophical about it but deep down it pissed me off and we lost more than $100k, due to the cost of school plus the fact he wasn't earning during that year.

The "trigger" comment is manipulative IMO.

readerbaby71

I think it's great that she has goals and is thinking about what she wants to do besides drinking. Being in a job one hates can be a trigger. It is depressing and anxiety inducing. As someone with bipolar disorder, I can tell you that it may be a major factor in making the disorder worse. That being said, she should probably find another job before she quits even if it is something like working at Starbucks. She doesn't need to do all these things on her list at once.

Just my two cents as a writer, former drunk, and bipolar who left her toxic job last year.

I admire you for being supportive while still taking care of yourself. Keep up the good work! You are close to retirement so keep your eye on the prize and don't let her actions jeopardize that. I know you love her but this journey truly is her own. She will figure it out at her own pace. Hugs and much love to you both! I really hope it all works out.

WMJ1012

When people get sober, their symptoms bubble up.
There is no more anesthetic to stuff feelings.

I always worked two jobs while drinking but was emotionLly incapacitated once sober.
It was when I got sober I had to stop working.

I'm so grateful I went on disability and just worked my AA program that first year.
And I really worked it.

A new person's job is recovery.

Hawkeye13

I'm just not buying it for some reason.
At the very least, another job should be found before she leaves the first one.
I managed recovery just fine while working--in fact, the structure and expectations of the job actually helped me keep focus.

42 isn't anywhere near retirement age, and that lost earning power may really cost you down the road in terms of realizing your own dreams.

WMJ1012

Something else I thought I'd mention.

"Bipolar Disorder" is highs and lows. (anxiety and depression).

The 12 Steps in the Big Book has a solution for that (for anyone).

WMJ1012

"I'm just not buying it for some reason.
At the very least, another job should be found before she leaves the first one."

ARE YOU HER HIGHER POWER

WMJ1012

A job for cash ain't the Solution

Our job is recovery
( in any fellowship)

When we are ready God will bring us a job for cash MAYBE

WMJ1012

Horse before cart

lillamy

So, I have some pretty close experience of bipolar disorder and while I haven't read the Big Book, I have to disagree that any book could have a solution to that disorder.

Have you seen her in both extremes of the disorder? The list you posted looks like a list from someone on their way to manic behavior to me -- I'm going to quit my job, I'm going to start a support group for women (girl, you need a support group for YOU -- not start one for other people), I'm going to do all these fantastic things because I'm invincible and I'm going to show you!!!

Often, rehabs put alcoholics on antidepressants. If you're bipolar, that'll send you straight into mania... and low-level mania in someone who's been at the other end of the spectrum can initially look terrifyingly like "feeling better"...

Refiner

Thanks for explaining things to us. I just see red flags with the quitting the job thing (plus all the other dreamy things on her list). But I'm probably jaded. My Narcissistic A sister (aptly nicknamed The Princess by the parents) always felt she was above work. And always has to have the perfect things in life. Only purebred dogs in HER life, rescues are beneath her. And she says she quit her last job but I know she was fired (again) by taking advantage of the work from home sometimes perk, coming in late, leaving early routine. She actually tried to sabotage the interview to NOT get hired at her last job and was mad they hired her anyway (state govt job no one wanted lol) bc her husband said they needed her to work to help with finances. She finally got her wish and has not worked now for about a year and a half. But I've gone no contact so don't know how it's affected the family finances. I, like others, would think she should find a new job before quitting the current one if she needs to help support the finances. Also, idle hands are the devil's work (or something like that! God bless!

honeybadger

I think I have seen her at both ends. She was originally on Sertraline (Zoloft) but when she went to rehab, they diagnosed her with bipolar disorder based mostly on her reported behaviors prior to when she started drinking. So, I have faith that the bipolar disorder is real and was not made under the "cloud of alcoholism" so to speak. She is what is known as a rapid cycler, up and down a lot in short periods of time rather than in one state for a period of weeks or months.

One of the things her counselor told me was that based on what she has seen with my RAW and her own experience and knowledge, she would like to see my RAW stay busy enough to end each day basically exhausted. It along with medication, will help my RAW to stay at a 6 or 7 on a scale with 0 being depressed and 10 being manic. If she quits her job, then the likelihood that she will be busy in the way that her counselor would like to see is basically nil, which I think will contribute to an increased likelihood of relapse.

Besides having the opportunity to sit around and think about alcohol or worse, drink, when she is not working, I do not understand how a job can be a trigger. She did not start drinking because of this job and it does not require her to be around alcohol, so how can it be a trigger? Please help me to understand this. To me, yes, it might not be the best job in the world, it might not have a corner view on the 95th floor, it might be added pressure, etc. etc., but I don't feel that working FT at a job while in recovery is incongruous to a successful recovery at all. I am not sure it even lessens the chance for a successful recovery; heck, it might even enhance the likelihood of a successful recovery.

Right now, I feel that I am damned if I do, damned if don't. I don't know if there is a right answer here (supporting her decision to quit her job or not) nor do I even know if one answer is better than the other.

Something else that Hammer spoke to earlier, a concern that he had about me getting caught up in her problems, decisions, etc. I think that is even happening right here, right now with this issue. I think maybe I need to step away from the keyboard for awhile, or at least drop it and let it be what it will be. I don't want to see her relapse; I don't want to see her die. But I think I need to resign myself to the possibility that if we are together, I have no say in the matter.

WMJ1012

Refiner
Finding a new Job before quitting the old one:
Quit drinking and get a new Employer (AA & God)

Also try to see what your sis put up with from your folks. I'm sure it couldn't have been easy for her either. We are all affected. I'm not saying go have a rel w/her I'm just saying compassion goes a long way

Lillamy
I can speak to what the BB does because I have actual experience with doing the work in it
Docs stuffed many of us with meds right out of the gate, some of us got messed up pretty bad because of it

Hangnbyathread

A job can be a trigger in a few ways. From the experience I had with my XAGF, she had 2 jobs that were triggers. In her first one, she was around drinking and peer pressure from co-workers to drink. She struggled with it, relented to the pressure and her drinking began to progress from that. Lost that job.

She had another job in which she knew that her company was doing illegal business practices. She brought it up to her superiors who promptly told her to leave it alone. A lawsuit eventually came and she was subpoenaed to testify in what would have been disastrous results for her company. As soon as she received the subpoena, she was told by her boss to lie in court. Or lose her job. So essentially these triggers are moral forks in their road that cause them great strife to face. Albeit professional, or personal or social, all of these can become triggers to make drinking the way out. Lie or lose your job is a tough spot that she couldn't think her way out of.

She began to drink after she got threatened, and when she refused to lie in court she was terminated for "unrelated cause" *cough cough*. EVERYONE knew why she got fired! Which caused her to drink more. All behind my back. Believe it or not I got why this can cause her to drink. But if your an AC it becomes your sole focus at that point. Rather than I need to get it behind me and move on, it becomes the reason you can wallow in alcohol.

None of this means she can't or shouldn't work. It just means she needs to better manage the environment of a job and how she needs to focus on working rather than thinking "If I don't work I won't have a trigger".

Jupiters

that list gives me anxiety just reading it.
@ only 3 weeks sober? (don't get me wrong, that's awesome she IS 3 weeks and getting help)
but as an RA (non bi-polar), that list makes my pulse rate.

Hawkeye13

Never said I was

Bit aggressive, aren't you?

Refiner

Ha! Ok. Thanks for the advice lol. You have no idea and I'm not going to hijack another's thread to explain anything to you.

Hawkeye13

I think you've summed up your feelings very well and this is also what I have also experieinced as a recovered alcoholic with depression issues.

No solution or program fits everyone, and we don't know your wife, but in terms of your last sentence,
I do agree you have no say whether she chooses to stay in recovery or not, but you do have a say in living with what is comfortable and feels right to you.

Trust your instincts--it seems as though you do have some clear perspective on this from your posts so far.
You learn as you go in these situations--just do your best and take care of your own recovery.

hopeful4

Regarding the job, tell her she can quit when she has another job in place. Pretty simple.

It sounds like she has these big plans and it quickly turned into poor me, you are supposto take care of me, you said you would, type of behavior when you disagreed with her. MAJOR RED FLAG.

I would say you should do ALOT of educating yourself on bipolar. She needs to be in a routine all the time. Her plans sound overwhelming. And, I think the counselor is right. A friend of mine w/bipolar has to run on the treadmill each night. She needs the natural endorphins, she also has to be completely exhausted each day to be able to sleep and have any sort of normal in her life.

Bipolar takes a lot of life management, and a HUGE amount of tolerance from the partner. If you are willing to stick with her, I would say that you need to make it clear to her she has to manage her illness. NO DRINKING AT ALL, which is really much harder for a bipolar alcoholic. Take all meds when prescribed, every single day. Stick to the routine. Counseling. Manage sleep cycles. Exercise and stay busy. These all sound pretty simple, but in reality, it is a really big illness to manage. The more she does so for herself and the more she has invested into her own recovery the better.

I don't say any of this to scare you. More just to assist with the thought process on your end.