pinkpeony

Below in this post I've copied and pasted some of my recent story with my AH.
In the meantime, and what I need help with, it HOW DO I CONTINUE TO LIVE WITH HIM UNTIL AT LEAST THE SUMMER TIME? And stay detached, while we are basically living as husband and wife (I'm trying to keep the peace- see below) -yet emotionally be detached?????
It's such an emotional roller coaster. We haven't really talked for a month, yet we live together. A couple nights ago he climed into bed with me and wanted to have sex- which I refused. Last night he walked by me, grabbed my hand and pulled me up to standing and hugged me for a long time and said "this sucks" and "you know I do love you, more than anyone or anything in this world." And he's in the "nice AH stage" right now. Doing things for me, being caring, hasn't gone out in almost 2 weeks (continues to drink at home though of course)
He's the perfect Jeckyll and Hyde which is what has kept me in this relationship for 20 years because when its' good it IS SO GOOD. He is so good, like things are so awesome between us. Of course, then there is the flip side. And when it's bad, it's bad. There is a sid of him that is so, so good and it keeps me hanging on because even at his worst, I know the good side.
Anyhow, here's what I had copied and pasted from another previous post, some background on me/us:


I've been trying to get up the time and emotional energy to post about my situation here. I need to. It's complicated.
In short, I am a nurse. I fell into an extremely deep depression (I think nervous breakdownk-ish) in May and got fired for my job due to 6 absences in a 12 month time period (they have a "no-fault" absence policy, 6 in a year and your out, no matter why) ANYHOW, at this time my AH and were separated. I obviously ran out of money, he came back.
I spent months unable to function. Of course, with AH being the only one working, he spends his pay check as he sees fit. He's usually pretty good about the bills but since he's alcoholic and smokes pot daily, you can image the money goes fast.
So. My student loans fell into arrears, during this time period, I was so depressed I didn't care to even open the notices or try and take care of the issue. Eventually the student loan company made a complaint on my license to the state Nursing Board, so when a potential employer goes to the Board of Nursing website to verify my license, as they must, they see a statement that my license is being investigated and the reason is confidential. Even if I let the employer know on the application/at the interview no one is going to hire a nurse who the board of nursing is investigating, the employer doesn't know if I'm being truthful. So anyhow, I'm still not even sure of my mental health, I don't feel up to snuff to go back to work as a nurse, my brain still feels very foggy, I'm having panic attacks, I don't feel like myself. I can't remember anything, ect. I'm doing better than I was say in the summer but still have huge social anxiety (there's another reason for that to be discussed in a later post maybe) and don't feel strong enough to go interview for ANY job right now. But I have to very soon. Any job.
So there's the employment/major depression/mental health issue.

Another issue is that my car is disabled and has been for about 8 weeks. We live in the country, the nearest towns don't have public transportation either.
Hopefully, in two weeks my car will be fixed, at least thats what AH tells me.

I/we are totally broke. Living completely paycheck to paycheck. AH is highly functional in his job (thankfully) It will be a very long time before I get my car fixed, find a job of any sorts, get my student loans back in a good status, fix my license with the board of nursing, save up enough money to start all over with a new place to live and all of the expenses of relocating. It's overwhelming.

Also, we live in a small town, there are two high schools. The last of our 7 kids is a senior and will graduate in May. I refuse to move her right now and add to her stress level. Moving may necessitate a change in schools and at this point, I refuse to do that to her. She has huge anxiety issues herself.
I'm trying to bide my time and keep things as easy as I can (though I feel neither way is easy.) The kids have out up with so much over the years, with this youngest daughter seeing the worst of it. I'm trying to do all I can to keep things peaceful and as steady as I can here (yes, I know that's almost laughable....)

And no, I have no family or friends nearby. I'm a huge introvert, I have social anxiety that is worse now than it's ever been, I have one friend locally who is in the midst of her own husband leaving her suddenly for another woman, so she is barely hanging on.
My family knows most of the situation, they don't help financially. Honestly, I have two siblings - both brothers who are doing very well financially & personally who pretty much just shake their heads and judge me, my marriage to AH and my "depression." My mom is mentally ill and can barely make it day by day herself and is not of any help. My father abandoned the family when I was 13yo (and yes, he was an alcoholic) and never looked back, pretended like we never existed. Other than that I have an 85 yo recently widowed grandma who lives back in my home town 11 hours away.

So. I figure it will take me to at least May before all of the above is resolved. My daughter will be going off to college in the Fall.
I will be 43yo and able to leave my AH (I don't want to, but in reality, I know I MUST) and start a new life.
I will have no more children at home, I will be divorcing, there are days that I am

theuncertainty

((((hugs)))) I know how hard it is to wait. I knew long before I actually left that I needed to. It took a long time to save up to be able to. I'd left AXH one time just after DS's 2nd birthday, in October, to stay with my sister. I stayed until Thanksgiving and went home. Home to a broken stove, past due utilities, and one of our cats dead. He said he just came home to find our youngest cat dead. Maybe that's true.

Before Christmas of that year, I knew I had to go. Staying at my sister's, while comfortable, in my mind, wouldn't give me the resolution to stay gone until AXH got help for his drinking and behavior. With an apartment with a one year lease, I figured I'd at least stay on my own a year... It took a year to save up to be able to move into a 1 bedroom apt. By the following Christmas, I was able to look for an apt. Then in January I signed a lease. I moved in mid-April. A year and 4 months.

I had a job, but AXH drank and used up all of his paychecks and most of mine, until I opened my own account to keep my money separate.

A year and 4 months of trying to shield DS, from age 2 to 3, from his father's drinking and hurtful behavior. I almost didn't make it. Depression set in so hard. DS and the idea of him being stuck with AXH as his only parent was what stopped me. I could have left AXH sooner than I did. I should have and I should have looked for help sooner than I did. I didn't realize that more than DS needed shielding from his dad's addiction, he needed one parent who was safe and healthy.

I don't know if there's a possibility where you live to petition the school district to keep your daughter in her current school through the last 5 months.... (My brother and parents applied and was approved for him to attend a high school outside our school boundary.) I understand feeling like you need to wait. If you were to decide you needed to leave earlier, there may be options to let your daughter graduate from the school she's attended for 4 years.

There are options, we just need to be willing to look for them and to ask for help. (((((hugs)))))
Wishing you peace and continued strength.

pinkpeony

Thank you,

I just know that in the time it takes for me to get everything set in order to get out, I'm going to be dragged into all of it again, you know. For instance all day today, he's been sooooo good, so loving and good to me.
But I know it won't last. It never does and there are things that he's done that I can't live with, I can NEVER trust him again no matter what he does.
But that doesn't mean that I don't still love him deeply and pray to God that some miracle happens and it all has the fairy tale ending. (I know, rationally, it doesn't end that way)

It's like playing a game, like sleeping with the enemy, like being an actress.
Living day to day as a married couple, all the while in the back of my mind planning to leave......It sucks.

marie1960

If I were in your shoes I would be figuring out a way to clear up my nursing license.

Have you tried to contact them ? offer to make arrangements? did you reach out to any service organizations for help? what about a free consult with an attorney, maybe they could advise? or write a letter on your behalf to restore some communication? Just thoughts ............

Where there is a will there is a way.

i understand anxiety is currently high, but perhaps being proactive in your own future can offer you some relief.

I am rooting for you, hang on, it will come together.

CodeJob

hugs Pink peony. Each day you need to find something small to fight for and slowly reconnect. I've had depression. I would happily isolate and not get out a bit to offset my introvert preferences unless I forced myself.

Keep making plans. Put a timer at 15 minutes, work an issue then give yourself a break. Build up from there. It will also help,you get your focus back. And I've found that 15 minutes of effort start to show an impact.

I glad you posted a bit of your story here. Night!

lillamy

You know... I suffered from clinical depression for the last ten years of my marriage. I have had no issues with depression since the divorce. You may have to consider that your husband's alcoholism is the reason for your mental illness. In which case nothing will get better as long as you have to put up with it.

TerpGal

Do I ever understand the depression. I was asked to resign from a job in my previous career due to my absenteeism and chronic tardiness because I just couldn't muster up the energy to get out of bed. I would go weeks without showering. I attempted suicide and was hospitalized and actually got worse after that. It took 4 months to get back to any semblance of "normal". All the med trials......one of which sent me into an honest to goodness psychotic episode where I was convinced my next door neighbor was involved in a campaign of harrassment against me and had installed webcams in my house. School was what finally got me out of it.

I am a nurse now and it is SO HARD to have a mental illness as a nurse. Especially a psych nurse, which I am. I think the stigma is almost worse. I really feel for you. I feel like living with an active alcoholic definitely contributed to my depression.

I know how impossible things feel when you are depressed. The student loan situation shouldn't be too terrible to clear up. They are usually pretty willing to work with you.

FireSprite

I've gone through short periods of depression at times in my life & I know that despair, the weight of thinking you're going to feel like this forever.

I agree that putting ducks in a row (quack!) and knocking them down will help give you focus & keep you marching toward your goal. No matter how little of a step you take each day, they all count, they all add up in the end.

Something that helps me get over feeling like I have no options is to think, "The answer is ALWAYS no to a question that is never asked." Meaning, I have a 50/50 shot just by verbalizing something vs. giving up & assuming nothing can be done. Sometimes I am surprised at how easily seemingly complicated situations can turn out.

I liked what Free said in another post yesterday - about how we can still enjoy the good moments even when we are still staying cautious & careful about our feelings; enjoy the good times whenever you can!

Otherwise? Baby steps. Detach. Meditate. One Day at a Time.

pinkpeony

Thank you TerpGal.

The irony here is that I, too, am a psychiatric nurse!

I worked for almost 10 years at our state psych hospital, on the locked female units mostly. (drama, drama, drama!) I got burnt out on that place & getting hurt, spit on, ect on a daily basis and found a job at a long term care facility. I liked it okay but it was A LOT of responsibility (usually 30pts on the floor, me and 2 aides!) It was there that I got fired for missing 6 days in a years time (couldn't get out of bed, ect...)

I believe I had a real breakdown a few months ago, I was definitely suicidal. BUT since I was uninsured, the ONLY place for me to go for treatment was the place I had previously worked. I was NOT going to be a patient where I was a nurse, and not with along with all of the long time patients that reside there, and not as a patient with my former co-workers as my care takers.

Image an alcoholic/major pot smoker trying to take care/care for a severely depressed person who is in the in the middle of a mental breakdown. It's almost funny.

Except for now he just uses my weakness against me during one of his drunk tirades.....He thinks I just don't want to feel better, he thinks I like feeling the way I do. He has to do everything, and on and on........

One day a few weeks ago he had a very bad day (even quit his job for the weekend) and later told me he was suicidal, had all of his family calling here so worried about him. I thought to my self, big deal, I've been barely hanging on in this world for the past few months....

Somehow, I pulled through it though and brain fog and panic are my biggest hurdles right now. No way could I handle being responsible for patients again right now. I definitely am still way too stressed and panicked. Thankfully I think I'll have medicaid kicked in by late next week and will be able to go back to the doctor and see about different meds. Celexa worked for me for several years and then didn't anymore and nothing has really helped since. (and whoa to you with the scarey med trial!)

I'm calling about the student loans tomorrow. Ugh.

I know that my situation with my AH really keeps me in the dark places, hopefully only until summer time......

chicory

Keep looking to the light at the end of this tunnel, this temporary tunnel. medical help coming, making calls about your student loans tomorrow.. sounds like a good plan.

thinking of you and sending hugs. good for you on reaching out!!! we are good at being friends and caring and all that good stuff