miamifella

It sounds like both you and your A hope things will be different.

But are either of you doing anything to make things different? It sounds like you each expect the other to change.

SabrinaQ

Wow. I don't think anyone could be more eloquent.

Although my addiction is a bit more 'mild' (food addict), I think I and many non-alcoholics can relate to this. I mean most people with some self-esteem issues have been guilty of not being present for others at some point in their lives, due to self-centerdness.

But with the 'heavy' addictions, they just take over your life a lot more.

charis78

Miami. Not sure how my A hopes things to be different. I'm a crazy chick to him. I suggested counselling earlier, I suggested talking on other then text but he has convinced himself he doesn't need me

miamifella

I was just extrapolating that he wanted you to change because you said that there were things you did that he claimed made him drink and you said there were fights.

And since you said he was not working toward recovery, it seems clear that he does not want to be the one to change.

But if he is happy with things as they are, I think that is even worse!

charis78

Thank you for clarifying, very insightful

NYCDoglvr

Rationalization and denial are hallmarks of addiction, which includes both alcoholics and codependents.

aboutdone

Sure. We all do or have, but ultimately we have tried to change something we can't possibly change.
It was once described to me as they DO feel guilty but douse the guilt with resentments and wte their choice of poison is. Drinking is a symptom of addiction.

In most cases, the reason they leave or are always mad at us, is we threaten the addiction. As long as the addiction is under attack, it can always blame someone else. When we become indifferent and no longer threaten the addiction, they can then see it for themselves, or often times will just find a new victim.

marie1960

Bc I hope it would be different.

And Mike would have said:

Hope clouds observation.

Took me quite awhile to wrap my head around that statement. But once I could, the fog began to lift.

charis78

I'm sick oh him acting like he's better than me. I'm sick of him contacting me then ignoring me. I'm done and he doesn't even care. I do not matter at all. Pfff.

charis78

And what pisses me off is he is the one that came back last year telling me he wanted to quit, how he realized his behavior was destructive to the relp, how much he missed me so I left my new relp to give him another chance. Now he's back to I'm the problem, we aren't a good fit BC we fight too much, acting like he could take me or leave me. I'm sick of the mind *******. I'm sick of him and his bs.
Sometimes I think the only reason he still talks to me is to trigger me and I lose it on him, then he goes drinks.

charis78

I'm sick of him acting like what he did was no big deal when he abandoned me at the hospital and then never came afterwards when I was at home BC he was too embarrassed. I was dumb enough to forgive him but I'm sick of him acting like what he did was no big deal and that I'm the unstable one. I'm sick of the lack of respect and at how easy it is for him to be nasty to me. How easy it is for him to walk away without even trying to make it better. Sorry I'm going on a tangent but I'm just so pissed. Hes back to ignoring me again BC I said the wrong thing. How can u treat someone u claim to care about like this ugh

marie1960

When you do not want to feel like you currently do, you will embrace the idea of change.

I had lots of reasons and excuses of why I could not do something, but at the end of the day, it was still an excuse.

Being able to change starts with the simple decision to embrace change.

Can you envision a life without all the crazy lies and all the other hurt that comes with being with an addict ?

chronsweet

Charis - I hoped the same things for 7 years. 7 long years.

In hindsight, it is crazy to think that I let the situation progress so long. I am now grieving for myself and all the time I lost, all the effort I put into a losing cause, all the damage I did to my own mental health and my sons.

To heal, I have been eating good, exercising, and caring for myself and my boy. Since I made the decision to get healthy both physically and mentally, I have lost 65 pounds and am one size away from being in my normal size of clothing. I found that putting the focus on myself and how amazing I am and the potential to excel personally has helped me in tremendous ways. The bond I am forming with my son is great. He is trusting me more and feeling more secure in our home.

Hoping someone will be a certain way is mute. That person can no more change who you are and how you feel than you can them. In fact, personally, when someone tries to control me or force my opinion one way, I usually go the opposite.

My personality is such that I like to win and get things done and resolved. My own constant battle with my xABF was me trying to coerce and win the relationship by controlling his drinking and trying to make him understand the harm and damage it was doing. Now, he gets to sit there and think about it himself. He gets to ponder his own life decisions. He doesn't have me nagging him or trying to bend his will. He gets to be him. If, on the chance he does get sober, he will have done this himself. Nobody can control another person, period. And when another person has control forced upon them, they seem to get resentful of it anyways.

My advice: Stop hoping that "it" will be different, and make life different for yourself.