amy55

How long do you keep stuff. Stuff like all the discovery things, where they never submitted anything, lawyer bills that you had to pay, clothes that your spouse bought you, jewelry your spouse bought you.

Do you just have a big bonfire and burn everything????

Give away the stuff that you did like and can't wear anymore?

When I left my house, I had to do it quickly. So I just packed up containers of stuff trying to take as much of my possessions as possible.

I bought new things, new clothing. Getting really stuck of opening up the other things, those containers. It's like I want to just toss everything without even looking at it. But there are things in there that I want, things that are me, and I need to go through this stuff.

Just want to hear how everyone else did it, before I open up those pandora boxes.

amy

amy55

I even messed up the title of this. It was supposed to be, For those who are divorced. Tried to correct this, but it appears you cannot correct the title, just the text in the post. Sorry bout that.

Thumper

I have the Final court papers and nothing else. I used to keep emails and detailed visitation logs. I deleted them after about two years. Since he never bought me anything I didn't have that kind of stuff to give away.

I moved - so I got rid of a house. There was bad memories dripping from every corner of that house so I was glad to go even though it was my dream house when I bought it. I took the household things I needed and gave him the rest or gave it away. I still have my wedding ring which I intend to keep and I still have my wedding dress because I really don't know what to do with it. It is in the back of a closet.

I didn't take any of his stuff with me so I never had to go back and sort anything. I'm not a keeper though - it is easy for me to get rid of things.

theuncertainty

Hmmm, I don't think I can help. I didn't have to worry about gifts frm AXH. There weren't many. I had the audacity to be sick on our first anniversary, so I ruined the surprise he'd planned, so there were never any more anniversary celebrations. (9 years with always an excuse: I wanted to take you somewhere nice, TU, so I'm saving up. We'll do something big next month.) Birthdays, i got a few gifts, mostly I got a card. If he was also saying sorry, I might have received flowers or dinner out.

A lot of my stuff got lost in our move from WA back to AK (only my things - his stuff got here ok). So most of my high school and college memorabilia was already gone, too.

I have the photos from our wedding. I occasionally debate on tossing or burning them, but DS might want to see them when he's older. So they're buried in the bottom of a storage tote.

I haven't yet even thought of not needing the divorce paperwork. It kind of feels like proof for me still.

So, not much help there. Sorry. (((hugs)))

Seren

Let's see, rings I gave back to him.
Clothes are long gone.
Gifts, well, there weren't that many to begin with and I don't know if I could identify what I have that came from him at this point.

If I still had things, I suppose I would donate as much as possible to the Salvation Army or Goodwill.

All the legal documents are in a file.

One piece at a time, Amy

Hangnbyathread

I'm with Thumper on this. Unless you have something ongoing, like child support or recurring financial activities, I keep the final court ruling in my files. I found that for about 4 years after, I was still getting documents that were keeping us "attached". I show the court ruling to clarify any issues. It's easier than making everyone go to the court archive's to prove it. She still carries my last name (which I feel stupid for not outlining in the final settlement), so that keeps us "connected" as far as creditors are concerned. I'm 6 years out and they, on occasion track me down, looking for her. I fax them the Divorce ruling and that is that from them.

Aside from that, the least I see of any part of that life, the better.

lizatola

I will be moving out soon and I keep wondering what I'm going to keep or not. I know I will keep the wedding pictures because I think ds will want to see them or refer back to them in the future just for historical pictures, etc. I have a few pieces of jewelry that he gave me and I intend to keep them. I did take my engagement ring, which was a sapphire because he was too cheap to get me a diamond, and had the stone made into a pendant in white gold recently. The band had gotten so thin so I decided to keep the stone and ditch the ring.

Honestly, I'm not sentimental and I don't put much weight on 'bad memories'. In other words, even though I have a bad memory revolving around my favorite wooden spoon(don't ask), I'm not going to throw it away just because of that. It's practical and it's still my favorite spoon!

I'm glad you asked this, Amy, because it's been weighing on my mind these past few weeks!

lillamy

I saved court papers, e-mails, didn't have any gifts really. I kept the rings, figuring I could always sell them when he stopped paying child support.

I got rid of 80% of my clothes (including the wedding dress, which was especially satisfactory to stuff in the Goodwill collection bin).

I'm an amateur photographer and have boxes of photos in the back of my closet. I thought about it the other day and thought maybe when he dies, I'll be able to look at the photos again.

Santa

I have all the court papers in my files. They have been useful in documenting my status for college financial aid applications and so forth.

We stayed in the house and my XAH left so there is still a lot here with his 'stamp' on it. If I had to get rid of it all it would take me weeks so I mostly just overlook his skis when I see them, items with his handwriting on it that he labeled and so forth. I've had to just harden myself and not allow myself to get emotional about that stuff. I am too busy with things that matter to me more to expunge every item that reminds me of him. (Although I completely redecorated and repainted myself over a period of 3 years after he left and I enjoy my space so much more now.)

I have my engagement and wedding rings put away. They are nice pieces and one day my son may be able to use them in some form. I never look at them and feel no emotion about them anymore.

Haven't gotten rid of photos of him, they are in boxes for my kids along with their baby photos and pictures of their paternal grandmother, who was a lovely woman and very dear to our children. I don't feel I have the right to deny my children those items if they want them in future.

aasharon90

Hello Amy....

I have to continue to remind myself
that one day I will this Earth and that
I won't and can't take anything with
me. All that "stuff" material stuff, is
just that. STUFF.

When I keep those thoughts in mind
then it makes it easy to get rid of, throw
away, donate my worldly possessions.

My fist marriage of 25 yrs ended back
in 2006 when I quickly gathered and
packed my things, furniture, etc. in
the back of a uhaul and made my way
back to my hometown.

Months before that I realized that I was
coming home, I had already sensed
what I needed to do in getting my 25
yrs of lifes memories and collectables
together to lighten the load, stress,
passed memory items away.

I was the one who hauled the many
boxes up in the attic down to go thru,
bag and tag for Salvation Army pick up.

I left all the kids memories, toys etc
behind for them to do with whatever
they wanted to with them and got rid
of everything else.

So when I left Houston and my 25yr.
marriage I felt the load lighter. My heart
became lighter and ready to move towards
a new life or chapter in my own recovery
life.

Today im remarried 6 yrs almost and
in my mid 50's. Over the past few yrs.
all I have are new memories formed
and past wonderful memories that fill my
heart with joy stowed away in a good
place. In my heart, soul and mind.

Those are my Spiritual gifts I can take
with me when I leave this world.

I will continue to keep my worldly good,
possession to a minimum as best as I can
so that the burden of them wont be left
for family or strangers to go through.

Keeping It Simple is a good rule to keep
in mind when living a life in recovery.

Hangnbyathread

Actually I guess I should amend what I posted after reading the response by liz. I don't associate household items like dishes etc with any emotion. I'm not going to throw out dishes or coffeemakers just to go buy replacements.

FeelingGreat

Amy, if you have stuff you want to get rid of, and it's worth something, consider donating. I have a file clean out regularly and most of my divorce stuff eventually got shredded.

You'll feel great if you can lighten your load a bit by disposing of stuff you don't need, whether related to the X, or just excess items.

hopeful4

I just divorced last year. I have kept our paperwork as I normally would. Every single thing of his is out of my house, including paperwork that really only pertained to him or that I did not need. I gave all of it to him.

I took loads of stuff to goodwill. Gave some away. His mothers jewelry that they gave me when she passed I gave back. He will save for our girls to give to them when they are older, which is fine w/me. Some stuff I kept. He gave me a really nice watch, I still wear it. I like it and don't have any big feelings attached to it, it's just a nice watch.

I remodeled my house when he moved out. Completely switched rooms and all. That was good for me and my girls, pi$$ed him off big time LOL, not that I care. My house makes me happy now.

That's about it. Clothes have come and gone, not b/c he gave any to me or not, just b/c my mom is a born shopper and buys me clothes all the time (thanks mom), so I switch them out pretty regular.

If there was anything w/any bad feelings attached, off to the goodwill it went. This is sort of funny. He had a million socks. After he had moved out, I found a bunch more. Me and my sister burned them one night in the fire bowl.

airwick

in some ways, mine is like Sharons. I had 13 years, yet I also new it was time for a change months before hand. I packed-moved on-settled

It's still very fresh, a little over a year.

What did I save. The most precious gift my X ever gave me. Our Son.

Yes, I do have all the legal papers, I paid for them so I'm keeping them!

The rings--I kept. My diamond in a box, His around my neck next to the cross he had given me years ago. Maybe one day I will take the rind off and only wear the cross. Right now It is a symbol that I want him to get well.I want God to help him. I regret, yet I don't hate. It's not worth all of the energy. Just put your mind at ease, focus on the new.

I do not want to forget my past, I want to learn from it. There is a reason for everything.

I'm not sure if I will ever trust fully again, but I will love and that person will be damn lucky to have me.

............got off the subject a bit )

p.s. Keep pictures, even to this day I find myself regretting pictures that I threw away.

LifeRecovery

I stayed in the house that we shared so for me the house could be the biggest reminder. I have not been able to do it yet but I plan on doing significant painting this year to help remove some of the paint. Sometimes just the change in perspective is all that I needed. I have changed up rooms/what is in them and how they are used....that helped.

I did not have a lot of gifts and I kept them for many years. Last year I boxed them up and sent them back to him....it was a very freeing moment for me. For me there have been mulitiple levels of letting go of this relationship and this is just one more level.

Slowly over time I have made the house mine and mine only. Most of the items I don't want have gone to donation places

airwick

Exactly about HOUSEHOLD ITEMS....I paid enough, hell if I'm going to ge rid of a coffee pot, or dishes , cups, silverware, bowls, pots, pans....I still have to eat Maybe now alone, but I'm still eating lol

Jodie77

Amy~

I am currently broken up with my XAF but I was married to a man prior to him. When I left my XAH in Jan 2009 I pretty much left it all behind. We had a beautiful home, furnishings, etc. It's just "stuff." I did manage to take photo albums, my clothes, personal items, etc. One of the things I've held onto are the earrings I wore on my wedding day (we got married in Bermuda), and also my wedding gift from him, but everything else I trashed or left behind.

I got my own apartment and started new and fresh. The fewer the memories the better...

theuncertainty

While DS was running around, the day AXH took DS and I to lunch after he got back from rehab, I asked him a few questions. One was about rehab. His response was that everyone keeps telling him he was sick, but he doesn't see it. It was always the hard stuff, not the beer. Beer is OK.

I ushered DS to the car, loaded him into his seat, got in and drove home. Not another word to AXH; not even good-bye. Got home, sent DS out to play with his cousins, pulled out the box that stored my wedding dress and shoes in. Grabbed a pair of scissors and shredded the dress. Picked up the threads and pieces and dumped them in the garbage bin outside.

I don't think I've ever felt so light as when I was shredding that dress.

Oh, and the wedding ring... I bought myself. A beautiful, dainty little 1920's antique. I don't wear it, but I am considering re-sizing it to wear on my right hand.

theuncertainty

Thank you, Aasharon90. What a wonderful post.

sauerkraut

Hey aashoron80,
Just wanted to say that your posting brought tears to my eyes. It's lovely; thank you.