sauerkraut

Any advice for when/how to have a conversation with an active alcoholic? My AH seems to have been drinking when he comes home from 'work' (and continues, secretively, once here), and on days that he's home and doesn't drink, he's usually irritable as hell or asleep on the couch. During his 3-10 day periods of antabuse-sustained sobriety, I'm hopeful that he's really getting into recovery, in which case we don't need to have the conversation. And then he starts drinking again . . .

I've tried writing him letters and emailing them to him at work. That gets his attention, but our emails back and forth don't rise to the level of the serious discussion that we need to have (i.e. I'm out of here and taking the kids with me since you continue to drink and refuse to move out).

Or do I just sign a lease and move? (I say, blithely, as if it were that easy.)

I want him to realize that he should move out since his behavior is causing the problem. He makes a point about making our children our first priority, so not disrupting their lives seems logical. Also, his moving out will cost a fraction of what it would cost for the rest of us to move.

I've told him this in an email in October, giving him a deadline to respond. He responded that he was going to stop drinking because our family is the most important thing to him. So I stopped looking for alternate housing, yet he continues to drink.

I get it that nothing changes until something changes. I'm ready to make that change. Any advice on how? What have you all done? I really appreciate the insights.

knowthetriggers

Hello Sauerkraut

I am sorry you have to experience this.

I am also sorry to say that making threats will not make him stop drinking. HE has to make that decision.

I used to write letters and send emails and leave notes but it never works. My AH would only tell me what I wanted to hear. Just as your AH is telling you what you want to hear.

I am not a fan of having a conversation via email. Thru the years I have realized that is just a way to "hide" from the conversation. A simple statement could be taken out of context and cause a huge misunderstanding. And let's face it, the emails can be long and drawn out.

Have you considered getting yourself help? Personally that is where I would start, with myself. If your AH wants help he will have to do this on his on his own.

I wish you all the best and remember to take care of you!

NerdlyBeauty

Triggers is right. There is absolutely no reasoning with an active alcoholic. It will only lead to tears and frustration, because in their pickled brain, they aren't doing anything wrong, YOU are. I hope you know that everything coming out of his mouth is most likely a heaping, steaming pile of bs. I kicked mine out, and went totally no-contact. We've been going through this crap for 7 years...promises to quit drinking, recovery, then even worse relapses. All of it MY fault, of course We have a child together as well. If you can catch him in a sober moment, then would be the time to ask him to leave. If he refuses, you may need to get the police involved, especially if he is drunk. You are the mother, so you should have all the rights, especially in this situation (depending on where you live...I live in MA, so we're more liberal than most other states). The courts will be on your side most likely. But IMHO, there is no reason to disrupt you and your children's lives because he keeps effing up.

I am so sorry that you and your kids have to go through this. It really, really sucks...but stick around here a bit. You will soon learn that we are all in the same boat, and just knowing that you're not alone, and that ALL alcoholics pull the same sh*t, is really pretty empowering

dandylion

sauerkraut...as you already well know....never make a boundary that you are not willing and able to enforce. Otherwise, they learn, very quickly, that your words are hollow when push comes to shove.

You probably need to actually know more about how this disease "works". It will help you with having more knowledge-based expectations. While it may "scare" him for a little while when you threaten him with separation/divorce.....the alcoholic voice which resides 24/7 inside his head is a very seductive force. The compulsion to drink is so powerful that it can over ride any thoughts about consequences and loved ones. While he may, indeed, love his family...the disease doesn't care one twit about "love".

He doesn't sound like he has reached his bottom...yet. But, you sure do sound like you have reached yours.

If I were you...I would get to an attorney's office as soon as you can get there. There are legal ways that you can stay in the house for the benefit of the family during the process.

When I divorces my children's father...I announced it one night and was in the lawyer's office the next morning. He (the lawyer) began drawing up the papers that day.
I just KNEW what I had to do.

dandylion

NerdlyBeauty

dandylion...let me ask you - do you let your AXH still see your kids? I refuse because I don't trust that he won't drink when he's with my son. Hell, he used to drink and drive with our son in the truck. We were never married (thank Christ), and I am totally fine with my son never seeing his father again, but I also don't want to deal with consequences of resentment from my son later on down the road (he's only 6).

dandylion

NerdlyBeauty.....that was many years ago. We had three kids and my oldest was 6yrs. they are grown, now. I remarried 6yrs later to a wonderful man. (sadly he died, recently, very suddenly after several years of marriage).
He was not an alcoholic...but, he was a narcissist. They never (or very rarely) change.
I knew that if I stayed in the marriage that I would always be unhappy and that I could never be free to be myself. Even worse, I didn't want my children raised in a h ome under his "rules" and have an unhappy mother.

I did give him full access to the kids any time he wanted....but he didn't really take advantage of that freedom. He saw them on weekends, at first...but, drifted away from that over time.

To this day...that man has never changed. And, my kids completely understand and have expressed gratitude that they didn't have to live with him, full time.

So, my situation was different than yours in some ways. I never really had to face the physical safety part. (thank God). I know that many, many others, here have faced this, though. I would ask their experience in how to deal with this.

I sympathize greatly with your concerns.

dandylion

NerdlyBeauty

Thanks so much. This is what my instinct is telling me, and I have finally learned to listen to them, and not let anyone else dissuade me

Bullfrog

In my experience, no conversation ever works. That's why Al Anon pretty much advises to stop the yapping and work on your own life.

Santa

I wish I had a dime for all of the emails I sent my ex and responses just like this. You're wasting your time.

hopeful4

I second this. It's actions, not words. I mean that for you too.

sauerkraut

Thank you so very much, everyone. I really appreciate the insights and support. Yes, learning about alcoholism and other people's experiences continues to be very helpful. And some of what I've been reading has been immediately applicable. For instance, last night just after I wrote the above, he came upstairs, drunk, to confront me about not talking to him. I said I agreed we need to talk, but that we need to talk when he is sober. And off he went on a two hour rant about how mean I am, how mistreated he is, how hard he works without getting any credit, how I don't take responsibility for my part in this (one of his favorite lines) and how, shocker, he's not an alcoholic.

I was so grateful for all I've learned about not trying to reason with a drunk and hearing what he says as quacking.

Now I'm off to contact an attorney. Thanks again for your support.