Trying to stand my ground

Old 01-15-2015, 04:42 PM
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Trying to stand my ground

We've all been sick including my AH who has been staying in a hotel for almost 2 weeks now. I can hardly believe that its been almost 2 weeks!

I'm still not feeling great so I called him & asked if he would meet the boys some place to eat. I just don't feel up to cooking. He said sure and then began to tell me how he has lost his hotel room because he was sick w/the flu and didn't let them know he would still need it. Thankfully, I lost good cell connection with him and finally the signal was lost and hung up.

He calls me back a few minutes later..thankfully a few minutes to get my head together on what I would say...and he retells everything from our conversation minutes before, as if I hadn't heard it the 1st time, and then proceeds to pick up where he left off with not having a room after tonight. I just said "ok". I just don't want to engage in that conversation about him coming home especially when I don't believe he has taken any sincere steps to tackle his addiction. There is no way possible he has because he has been sick AND because I know when his mom came for a visit last Friday he showed up buzzing. I'm not ready for him to worm his way back here. I know things will go back to the crap that has become normal. But he's trying. I won't be surprised if he calls me later, or calls me tomorrow, or tries to talk about it at the boys game tomorrow evening. I can just picture him choosing the boys public event to want to talk about this. I don't know what the deal is with using public places to talk about deeply personal and emotional topics -- I HATE that!
Which not to long ago I did tell him I didnt like him doing that to me, lets see if that holds.

I know this is a lot of what ifs. But its not a what if that he was/is trying to come back home.
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Old 01-15-2015, 05:01 PM
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He said sure and then began to tell me how he has lost his hotel room because he was sick w/the flu and didn't let them know he would still need it.
It sounds like a bs story to me. Even sick, all he had to do was pick up the phone to let them know plus if he did not check out on time, they would have called him and asked him if he was extending.
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Old 01-15-2015, 05:08 PM
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only one hotel in your area I take it?
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Old 01-15-2015, 05:13 PM
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EXACTLY to all of the above! I don't appreciate it one bit.
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Old 01-15-2015, 05:16 PM
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The best defense is a good offense sometimes.

He starts talking coming home in a public venue, maybe you should mention short-term rentals or extended stay hotel suites?
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Old 01-15-2015, 05:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 View Post
The best defense is a good offense sometimes.

He starts talking coming home in a public venue, maybe you should mention short-term rentals or extended stay hotel suites?
I was just going to say the same thing; sounds like a good opportunity to discuss longer-term plans. (((((hugs)))))
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Old 01-15-2015, 06:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Katchie View Post
We've all been sick including my AH who has been staying in a hotel for almost 2 weeks now. I can hardly believe that its been almost 2 weeks!

I'm still not feeling great so I called him & asked if he would meet the boys some place to eat. I just don't feel up to cooking. He said sure and then began to tell me how he has lost his hotel room because he was sick w/the flu and didn't let them know he would still need it. Thankfully, I lost good cell connection with him and finally the signal was lost and hung up.

He calls me back a few minutes later..thankfully a few minutes to get my head together on what I would say...and he retells everything from our conversation minutes before, as if I hadn't heard it the 1st time, and then proceeds to pick up where he left off with not having a room after tonight. I just said "ok". I just don't want to engage in that conversation about him coming home especially when I don't believe he has taken any sincere steps to tackle his addiction. There is no way possible he has because he has been sick AND because I know when his mom came for a visit last Friday he showed up buzzing. I'm not ready for him to worm his way back here. I know things will go back to the crap that has become normal. But he's trying. I won't be surprised if he calls me later, or calls me tomorrow, or tries to talk about it at the boys game tomorrow evening. I can just picture him choosing the boys public event to want to talk about this. I don't know what the deal is with using public places to talk about deeply personal and emotional topics -- I HATE that!
Which not to long ago I did tell him I didnt like him doing that to me, lets see if that holds.

I know this is a lot of what ifs. But its not a what if that he was/is trying to come back home.
It is to trap you in one spot where others can observe you, so you will not react strongly. It is a cowardly and controlling thing for him to do.

Although, the flip works in your favor if you have news you know he won't take well.
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Old 01-15-2015, 06:23 PM
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Originally Posted by MissFixit View Post
It is to trap you in one spot where others can observe you, so you will not react strongly. It is a cowardly and controlling thing for him to do.

Although, the flip works in your favor if you have news you know he won't take well.
He's done this to me several times and it makes me feel like I'm being ambushed. If he tries tomorrow night at the game I think I'll react differently than I have in the past. It use to be I would cry, but this time I don't think that will be my response. So go ahead and let him try.
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Old 01-15-2015, 07:20 PM
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If he brings it up at the B-ball game- you should LOUDLY say "If your not going to work on your ALCOHOLISM then I can't help you." Ha!

I know you wouldn't do that of course, and I wouldn't either, but it sure is a nice dream isn't it?

You've been getting so much stronger, I know you can handle this. Just hold your ground. The hotel thing ISN'T YOUR PROBLEM. He is a big boy, and he knows how hotels work.
You can do this. You know what you need to do.

That's the thing is that WE ALL know what we need to do, it's just maintaining our courage to follow through.

You got this! You've done so great so far, I know you are going to do what's right.

Hugs girlie!!
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Old 01-15-2015, 07:27 PM
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FTS, thanks for the encouragement. I was honestly starting to get anxious about seeing him at the game tomorrow night knowing he is wanting to try anything to come home and get his foot in the door. But then I relived in my mind the scenario he created Valentines Day last year and I'm not in the same place I was in last year, I've changed. Thank you God for helping me to make the changes I've made so far and I know I'm far from a finished product. I just pray for strength. Impurrfect made a comment on another post that has helped my resolve too.
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Old 01-15-2015, 07:38 PM
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Stay strong stay strong stay strong. You're doing great and you can do this. I'm completely not a fan of deep conversations in front of children nor in public places. I'd flat out tell him that you'd prefer not to have this conversation in a public venue and hard as it is draw the line. Regarding the housing situation its amazing how when pushed we A's are amazingly resilient and suddenly find solutions to our problems. I'd give him the address of the local homeless shelter if that makes you feel any better.

Peace,
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Old 01-15-2015, 08:20 PM
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My husband is currently in a sober living environment (basically a house with other alcoholics/addicts roommates who are clean and sober and trying darn hard to stay that way - which he actually really likes btw and he's making some really good sober friends this way too) and earlier this month broached the subject of him moving back. I just kept it very simple and told him that I was not ready, which is !00% true. The thought of experiencing him relapse again and me having to kick him out AGAIN just gives me anxiety. No thank you. It's just too soon for me. Either I'm worth waiting for/working for, or I'm not. I just threw the ball back onto his side of the court. Lots of "I" statements seem to work best for me as I think they're difficult to argue with. I'm not ready, I'm still working on myself, I'm not comfortable yet and when any of that changes I'll let him know. For right now our plan is to chat about it again at the beginning of March. Realistic expectations have been set.

My husband has also stayed in a hotel for extended periods of time and gave me similar excuses as to why he "needed" to come stay at our home. Nope. He can (and did) walk into any hotel at anytime and ask if they have vacancy.

I think you're doing such a great job of sticking to your boundaries and taking excellent care of yourself, Katchie! I'm sorry you're not feeling well and hope you're better soon!
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Old 01-15-2015, 09:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Katchie View Post
FTS, thanks for the encouragement. I was honestly starting to get anxious about seeing him at the game tomorrow night knowing he is wanting to try anything to come home and get his foot in the door. But then I relived in my mind the scenario he created Valentines Day last year and I'm not in the same place I was in last year, I've changed. Thank you God for helping me to make the changes I've made so far and I know I'm far from a finished product. I just pray for strength. Impurrfect made a comment on another post that has helped my resolve too.
I hear that sista! I'm so with you on that one. I'm really anxious about picking AH up.

You've had this man out of the house for a while now and I think you are doing fantastic. I've been thinking about how I can help myself from getting sucked back into all the BS and I think I'm going to force myself to think about some of the cruel things he has said or some intolerable behavior. Just to remind myself that this behavior is only a breath away. Maybe you could think of something like that too when he starts up with you. I know you were disgusted at how he looked and smelled at the B-ball game last time (before MIL came). Maybe you could think about that...or I'm sure you have a HOST of daunting memories that could work for that.

I'm thinking about you girlie. I hope you are feeling better too. Being sick on top of everything else is just crummy!!
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Old 01-15-2015, 09:12 PM
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I see that you also read the language of letting go for Jan. 15th- which talks about standing up for ourselves! This is a good situation to apply that! But I'm sure you know that already.
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Old 01-16-2015, 12:15 PM
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Hi Katchie,

How's today going? If in doubt of what to do, pray and wait. Trust in God and your own instincts. I hope you get well quickly!!

As much as I hate slowing down, sometimes I find learning even in that... usually a reflection of me putting myself on the back burner yet again, or that I'm in need of more healing than I first thought. Been there a bit recently. Ironically, on KLOVE this morning they mentioned that an arrow needs to be pulled backwards before it flies forwards.

(((Hugs)))

KTF
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Old 01-16-2015, 12:39 PM
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Katchie, my heart is with you. Be strong.

XXX
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Old 01-16-2015, 12:49 PM
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I'm better and at the tail end of the flu. Still have a rough cough but I feel a ton better. No fever.

AH called again today and talked about nothing so he could get around to letting me know he lost his hotel room and wasn't sure what he was going to do. So I said, as someone else suggested, that there are a lot of other hotels. He just laughed and said he already knew that and would check around and find something. Whew.

Why is this so stinking difficult to say something so simple??? Really, WHY? I've done a lot in a short period of time and doggone it, this should have been simpler!

Thanks for asking about it ladies.
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Old 01-16-2015, 12:51 PM
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It was a test, you passed.
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Old 01-16-2015, 01:01 PM
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I thought I would choke on those "simple words" a few times, don't be so hard on yourself. It sounds like just a bunch of simple words, but the emotions, the patterns, the long-term role-reversal is much more complicated & HARD to put into action!
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Old 01-16-2015, 01:01 PM
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I dropped some of his bills off at his office today. When I spoke to him on the phone earlier I could detect what sounded like a slight slur and at least one sentence that didn't make sense. I hate second guessing and know I need to trust my gut, but when I saw him at the office he seemed fine.

Other than that, it was just awkward. Those of you who have separated, do you have that awkwardness when you see each other? It's like we are grasping to find things to say and I'm trying my darnedest to wrap it up short and simple so I can get out of there or off the phone. Everything seems so strange, undone, and unfamiliar. I'm not sure how I really feel about it all.
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