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Anyone ever use a mediator?

Old 01-15-2015, 06:49 AM
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Anyone ever use a mediator?

My AH and I are discussing using a mediator instead of lawyers for the divorce. I don't know too many people who have used them. Most of my friends used some sort of legal processors and spent very little money while others used lawyers and it cost them a fortune. Seems a mediator is a less expensive alternative.

AH has changed his mind about wanting to keep the house now and has agreed that I was right and that we should sell it. I expect this to change every week or so now. I won't believe anything until it happens,LOL.

I'm going out with my realtor tomorrow to look at rental homes. My son has insisted he come along because he wants to be a realtor some day and because he will be living there too. Guess he doesn't trust my judgement? He does, I just know it's because he likes to look at houses and because he'd get a half day of school!

I have to admit that I waffle between fear of the unknown, mostly financial and job related and excitement of starting over in midlife.

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed with trying to get the house ready to sell, finding a place to live, figuring out which things I will take with me and what I will leave for him, keeping up on the normal daily routine, too, etc. It's all exhausting.

AH likes to argue and I get drained just dealing with him. I'll really need to strengthen my resolve and look at the goal and end result when I have to deal with him. A mediator will require us to work together so we'll see if this goes well. I'm nervous but I know I am done and I will be pushing things along as quickly as possible. What a way to start the new year!
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Old 01-15-2015, 06:58 AM
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I used court ordered mediation, 3 times during my divorce. Like anything both parties need to want to mediate for it to have a chance. My Ex (non AC) had it in her mind she was going to get everything and I was to get nothing. The mediator tries their best to find a way to meet in the middle or at least closer together for both parties. Whatever they negotiate, will be done in accordance with laws and the judge generally will automatically sign off on the mediation agreement. In my case I had one side that wanted it all and would settle for nothing less. The mediator can't force anyone to give up anything or tell someone that they are going to be right or wrong at the time the judge hears the case.

Yes it can save TONS of legal fees, time, and emotional stress. I would recommend you use mediation if possible. They are not and will not advise you in the same capacity as an attorney does. They work for both sides as an non emotional buffer zone to discuss settlement.

And P.S. In mine they place both of us in separate rooms during the process. You don't have to face or get involved with talking to your STBX.
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Old 01-15-2015, 07:06 AM
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It's worth a shot, Liz.

Mediators are pretty good at pointing out the "wins" for both sides. It certainly seems a hell of a lot less aggravating than trying to negotiate with him yourself, and a lot cheaper than having a lawyer do it.

Maybe you want to propose an agreement to use mediation PROVIDED he agrees not to discuss/argue the issues EXCEPT at mediation. That might give you an out if he starts haranguing you at home. You can just smile and say, "Hm, make a note of that to bring up at mediation."
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Old 01-15-2015, 07:13 AM
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So, my ex wanted to use a mediator. Me, him, a mediator, no lawyers. My lawyer advised against it -- because my ex is a master manipulator, and he had repeatedly said to my lawyer that "if I just get her in a room with me, I can convince her to come back to me."

I would only use a mediator if you know for sure that you won't let yourself be emotionally blackmailed into accepting crap you walked into the room determined to not accept. Of me, it would have been a disaster. I spent almost five years paying off my lawyers (mailing the last check today, as a matter of fact), and it was worth every penny.
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Old 01-15-2015, 07:33 AM
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I know a couple of people who have used them for simple divorces, the kind where they basically agreed on things & just needed someone to help them flesh out the details & put it into writing.

I agree that it can be worth a shot but in your situation, I'd stay open to lawyering up. Your AH has shown such incredible manipulation & narcissism & is actively drinking - tread lightly, there's no telling what may set him off or how nasty he'll get as all this talk becomes reality.

But let's talk about you for just a second.... YOU are showing major strides lately, Lady! Stay strong, you're doing great!

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Old 01-15-2015, 08:26 AM
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Where I live if you cannot agree on things, you are forced to try mediation first. And the mediators are attorneys.

I personally would just let my attorney handle it if that is possible. It would save you a lot of mental grief.
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Old 01-15-2015, 08:34 AM
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I have used mediation for several legal situations. I recommend it highly.

I think if both parties go into knowing the costs associated with using an attorney that is good incentive to try to resolve it outside of a courtroom.

If one party has the mindset of "I don't care what it cost me to screw this person" then its a waste of time.
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Old 01-15-2015, 02:18 PM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
Where I live if you cannot agree on things, you are forced to try mediation first. And the mediators are attorneys.

I personally would just let my attorney handle it if that is possible. It would save you a lot of mental grief.
The mediators here are attorneys. They just help both parties walk through it together.

I am thinking of at least calling around and seeing what it costs. I can still meet with my lawyer and retain her formally next week and pay the fee and then let AH flounder and decide if he wants to go it alone or find his own lawyer. We both are pretty cost conscious people and hate to waste money so maybe that will bode well for me in the end?
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Old 01-15-2015, 03:10 PM
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I used one and it worked pretty well for me.
I sat in one room with my attorney, he was on the phone with his attorney, in the next room. The mediator walked back and forth and, well, mediated. He also called out my XAH on his rather ludicrous requests.

Ultimately, we hammered out a deal and the courts took it. Granted, there was no abuse in my marriage, nor children. (Although lots of property and assets. And debts.)
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Old 01-15-2015, 03:31 PM
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It depends on the individuals & how willing they are to cooperate.
I've had 2 lots of counselling (xh wouldn't do alongside me had to be separate), 1 mediation process (he agreed to a lot & then pulled out & changed it all when it came time to sign the papers), judge led mediation where XH still wouldn't agree & ended in a court hearing with judge ruling outcome.
I think if you think you could possibly agree then go for it but if you think he will change his mind a hundred times then skip all the mediations & go straight to the end to avoid a long drawn out court process (mine took 1 and a half years!)
Best of luck.
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Old 01-15-2015, 03:42 PM
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I used one with my divorce. We decided that we would split all debt and assets by 50 percent so it wasn't that difficult. She would say that I work for both of you so you have to work this out together. If you can do that, its worth it. We never had our own attorneyand at a lot of people said we should. Sometimes I feel the attorneys want the best for you but delays the divorce and costs more money. This worked for me.

We had 3 meetings then done. It took about 3 months with her. Then it took a few weeks to tweak the memorandum of the divorce. Then took about a month for a court date. I think the whole thing cost me about 1600 or so.

Very cheap and very quick for 34 years together.
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Old 01-16-2015, 03:27 AM
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We used a mediator last summer. 3 meetings, 3 attorneys (the mediator plus our lawyers) 9 hours = expensive. Xah sat back while the four of us women worked to get it done.
After 7 hours, xah decided he wanted to change everything in the negotiations.
That was a lot of money and effort mostly wasted.

I think every divorce, like every marriage, is different. Figure out what your spouse is likely to do in that scenario and go with your gut. But with someone who isn't so stable, it could be tough no matter which path you choose.

Good luck with all the change! You sound good!
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Old 01-16-2015, 07:30 AM
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I am a mediator. I mediate custody & visitation, the support is calculated. A good portion of the cases are resolved in mediation. The advantage is you both get to decide what's in the best interest of the children, instead of a judge telling you what you are going to do. I do not mediate any cases that have any past or present issues of domestic violence. It is not necessary to have a lawyer present. I always advise clients to have their attorney review the orders before they sign. Most do not do this, but the option is there. That can cut down a lot on the cost. Some cases don't get resolved and end up going to court. It all depends on the individual case.
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