One more comment on this; too late to edit my post.

My XAH and I have been apart for 4 years, divorced for 2, and NC for about 6 months (I had to get a PO to keep him away). Yet he still tells people (I hear through the grapevine, ie., our kids) that I am a miserable, unhappy person who hates life. Hello, how the hell would you even know??

I haven't spoken to my (R)AM in almost a year but that does not stop her from telling everyone who will listen all about me and my life. Occasionally well-meaning friends see fit to pass on gems of wisdom about me they heard from my XABF.

It's a tremendous waste of time believing this has anything to do with you. It's, as usual, all about them and what the character of a miserable, unhappy daughter/ex-girlfriend/ex-wife/sister/fill-in-the-blank does for the story they are telling themselves and trying to get others to believe. As long as I don't buy into it, it's nothing to me. People who want to know what I'm really like or how I'm doing will not be asking my mom or my ex-boyfriend about it.

He HAS to believe that, it justifies his own behavior & gives him an "easy out" where you are concerned. Otherwise he'd have to admit (even just to himself) that he's the dysfunctional one, not you, and that doesn't fit with his denial.

There is a saying I hear a lot in my CODA meeting- "Your opinion of me is none of my business". It doesn't matter. They are going to say what they are going to say. You are still living and it won't kill you. In fact, you don't even really care! It's none of your business and its their problem. If your ex is miserable enough to go around talking about you, well, that is HIS problem and none of your business.

AXH had several slurs he'd call me: I was a miserable old lady most of the time. Sometimes I was a snobby B, or an immature idiot. A lot of it had to do with how he was feeling. So since I've been gone, I've figured out the pattern. It was basically anytime I wasn't catering to his needs or ego.

1. I was a miserable old lady if I was trying to be responsible: pay bills, clean house, cook, fix the outlets in the apartment, knit. My attention wasn't focused on him.
2. I was a snobby B if I was lost in a book (because, you know I only read to make him feel stupid, he said). My attention wasn't focused on him.
3 I was an immature idiot when I was playing with DS. Which when he was little, tended to be hide-and-seek, playing on the floor pretending we were different animals, building forts... (And trying to ignore AXH's sullen a-- sitting on the couch with a glass of "water".) My attention wasn't focused on him.

Honestly, towards the end of our relationship, most of the time I had to deal with him, I was confused and miserable and scared, so I can see it from that period. But, it doesn't make that who I am.

I have no problem (now) taking the quiet time I need to re-energize and re-center after spending time (no matter how pleasant) with others. I know I love books and the worlds, times and information I find there. I know I love playing with DS and exploring stuff with him. I know that I find knitting relaxing and rewarding. If AXH wants to think I'm an immature, snobby old hag, I don't care.

Oh, BTW, when I filed for divorce, all of those names changed to Money-grubbing, Vindictive B. And I'm sure every one in his world knows it, too. *shrug*

My AXBF still chides me over child support, because they automatically take it out of his check. Right now he's on Unemployment, and the state still takes out the same amount, and he bitches every time. Funny...because when we went to the court house to determine the amount of support, I kind of thought it was a lot, and the clerk told us we could modify the amount, but we'd have to speak to the judge. He chose not too. Not to mention I always paid all the bills with my money even when I wasn't working, and he's an unlicensed HVAC tech. But still, I'm a "golddigger". Because it was just my dream to live in squalor with an erratically employed abusive alcoholic.