LemonGirl

Man... talked to my recent xabf today. Break-ups aren't always so cut and dry. I like to be honest and tell the truth in all things. And well, the question came up "do you still love me? how can you just cut someone out of your life like that?"
And of course, I still love him. I wanted a whole life with this man. I told him that. But I also told him, again, that I am not willing to join our lives while alcohol is in the mix...
He countered, "I don't want alcohol anymore... I want you. I want us. But I need your positive support. I need to hear you love me. I am so heart broken."

Before I go and allow myself to think that this is some alcoholic plea to get me back whilst he is in denial or making empty promises, I really think I should give him some credit. I NEVER gave him an ultimatum. I told him that I didn't want the alcohol in my life so I am leaving him. But if he wants sobriety, he can let me know in the future and we can see where we are at. And I reiterated that again today. As for me, I'm far too in love with this guy to even fathom someone new, and I know better than to jump into anything too soon anyway (for normal people that is healthy), and on top of that, I realize that I need to continue to ACTIVELY practice this boundary or it is worth nothing... THIS is new to me (as a codie). I have come a long way over the years with what I will and will not accept and realizing that saying NO is a part of getting what you want out of life. And signing up for a life with an alki simply is not my idea of a happy healthy marriage.

Anyway, I tried not to judge the desperation in his voice as meaningless. And I also tried not to allow it to sway me into the well of emotions I have going on underneath my cool calm collected voice and thinking process as of late. (Been practicing that one as well). I wanted to encourage him but keep it honest. I said, "don't let the sadness of the swamp consume you. I know it seems ars-backwards, but taking time apart is really a good thing because tackling sobriety is NO easy task. I want you to get busy getting your life on track for what YOU want, aside from me. When you get healthy and happy for yourself, we'll be in a much better place for each other..."

OMG, that is a hard notion to sell the person you just want to run to and hold because of the pain they are going through, and yeah... I'm not sitting here scolding myself for inflicting this on him, but quite literally, I am responsible for my part of the hurt. Let's see... A few months ago he got the poop beat out of him because my xabf accidently discharged a firearm. His roommate almost killed him had I not shown up, he would have. This also left him homeless. His ex found out about this and started snooping his FB and found me as a gf and is now threatening to get him kicked out of the military calling it adultery, even though they haven't been together in two years and the divorce is almost finalized. She has even hired a PI that has managed to take pictures at MY house. Then, his brother (who is also an alki is also whompin on him so their relationship is all out of whack, and HE was like his best friend)... My xabf has taken some serious hits! Did I mention that he could have lost his career over all of this? And now, I have left him. THAT MUST SUCK TO BE GOING THROUGH!!!!! But, I am no way going to cover all of this up for him and pretend that alcohol didn't play a role in ALL of that, because it most certainly did... on some level.

I'm not really interested in knowing whether or not I am being a fool... My contact with him will remain limited. But oh man... I feel for him. That can't be wrong to have empathy and want to console your loved one, right? I guess... this is where I learn exactly what boundaries to keep and how all of this needs to be fixed BY him. But giving him positive support right now... like encouraging him. That's good, right? How can that be bad?

Sorry for the long post! And thank you so much to everyone who comments and listens. This site and everyone here is true blessing!

shelton40

One day at a time

suki44883

It isn't bad. It's humane. Just because we finally realize that we cannot share our lives with an addict doesn't mean that we don't still care. Of course we care, and it's not "bad" to support them, as long as supporting them doesn't drag us down the hole with them.

If you can take good care of yourself while supporting his RECOVERY, then there is no problem. It's only when we neglect our own well-being in an attempt to support someone who isn't trying their best to beat their addiction, that the problems are so great.

LexieCat

Encouraging him can be "bad" to the extent that it keeps you emotionally enmeshed with him. You are almost inviting him to manipulate you.

You think that alcohol played a role in his "bad luck" "on some level"? He shot off a gun in the guy's house, god only knows what his ex-wife endured that has made her so angry, and he and his alcoholic brother are going at it. You think alcohol had only a teensy bit of a contribution to all that drama?

You are putting yourself squarely in the position to have your heartstrings tugged. And you are still there to make him feel better about himself. Maybe he SHOULD feel like crap for a while. That's the only thing that motivated me (and most other people I know) to get sober. One phrase I hear a lot in the rooms of AA from people with long-term sobriety, when they share their stories, is "and then my scorecard read zero."

I don't think you are a fool, by any means. Very few fools I've run into on this site. But I think you are deluding yourself that he needs your support to get sober and that maintaining contact with him and "encouraging" him will somehow help him.

Did you ask why he's waiting till after vacation to begin this recovery he is supposedly so committed to?

LemonGirl

Yeah, I know why... He has already set up a counseling appointment and spoken with the department responsible for helping service members with alcohol problems. He can't really start because he is in another state for a few weeks.

ladyscribbler

Every state has a means to help veterans with alcohol issues. It is one of the big deals at the VA and on active duty. All the hot button veteran's issues- homelessness, suicide, etc, have roots in substance abuse. If he really wanted help he could get it RIGHT NOW. Literally. One phone call would do it. Yes he is damaged, he needs help, he needs support. Help and support are one phone call away if he really wants it.
1-800-273-8255 (press 1 for veterans).
He is not ready to ask for help. If he was he would already be getting help. This is not your responsibility. If you really want to help veterans volunteer to drive people to appointments or stuff envelopes at your local VA clinic or hospital.

LexieCat

Yeah, I don't buy it either. He could have made the appointment immediately.

He's doing this at his convenience, and by the time that rolls around, my bet is whatever inclination he MIGHT have had to address his drinking will have dissipated.

I hope I'm wrong, but I'm not seeing someone desperate to get sober.

LemonGirl

Alright guys..... I will take all of this into consideration. The being gone in another state is only for the vacation time. He is visiting his daughter and then going to another state. However, I can see why you are saying that he should be reaching for help right now. I never meant to go NC with him... But I do worry that too much communication with me will leave my own head in a fog and he'll be able to use the "emotional support" as a crutch. I suppose he could at least be going to some type of meeting until he leaves for vaca this weekend.
I'm alright though... I just keep putting that ball back in his court. I know eventually he may even just be angry with me for leaving and turn right back to the bottle for comfort. I have been teaching myself that whatever happens is out of my control, except for my own choices, and I have to be willing to accept whatever happens that IS out of my control.
Still pissed off that he is an alcoholic though... What a way to ruin a perfectly good dream! BLAH!
Thank you for your insight, btw... It's good to have people to talk to that have paved the way before me...

lillamy

You know, I think you're very wise to keep your distance while he gets his life back on track. It seems to me like he has quite a bit more than "just" alcoholism to contend with. Not trying to be negative, but sometimes, getting sober doesn't fix everything -- and sometimes, you don't know what else there is to contend with until an alkie gets sober...

marie1960

so as of today, what has actually changed?

and why is is wife soon to be ex wife doing what she is doing? thinking there is more to that story.

I'd keep busy scrubbing the hell out of my side of the street, I wouldn't want any part of that.

LemonGirl

I don't know what has changed with him today... I'm not talking with him on a daily basis. I have been wondering how the heck I am supposed to know the difference if I am NOT around to see it. Hmm....

And his soon to be ex wife? Well, I have said to him before that it just seems weird that she is going out of her way to cause problems for him when the relationship is clearly over. Part of it, I'm sure, is that she had a hard time dealing with his drinking as well. Only instead of recognizing her part, she often flipped out on him in abusive ways and tried to control him in other ways, and her threatening his career happened more than once. It seems to me that she is just wrapped up in her mind's drama over the whole relationship and can't just let go. I made it clear to him that I am sure alcohol played a part in tearing their relationship apart.

Hawkeye13

Sounds like this man has way too much on his plate between not-yet-ex-wives and addictions and so on to really be present and ready for a relationship in the near future.

Funny how the ex-wives are nearly always demonized by the alcoholic.
Sometimes no doubt it is earned, but many times I see on this list the next woman admit later that the exwife was not crazy but right on target.

It sounds like there is a great potential for hurt in this for you.
He needs to show some real results with his addiction over time before I'd get
remotely involved with this.

Also, maybe getting is divorce out of the way would be helpful too.
His jumping from one relationship to another doesn't really bode well for his
emotional maturity or ability to be on his own, does it?

Not trying to hurt your feelings here--just an outside observation.
I wish you both the best, but do be careful to protect yourself here HMA.

LemonGirl

Hmm... never thought of it that way. His "divorce" and past relationship don't really effect him and I. I think maybe I am being vague and this seems to be focal point when really it isn't. But that's fine. That's the nature of sharing online and not being too detailed for security reasons.

My original post wasn't about any of this "extra" nonsense anyway. His being kicked out of his roommates house wasn't alcohol fueled on his part, but their part. It was a party house that only added to his drinking problem... like a huge enabler. And the dude who did the assault has been known to do this to others. Anyway, my view of it wasn't that my ex was all at fault for getting the crap kicked out of him, but that when you are a drinker and involve yourself with these types of people, crap like this happens inevitably. That is how I see the connection to alcohol. And with his wife? Well... to take things to the extent that she has. It's been TWO years and the relationship wasn't even there for two years before the split. She has her own issues of control and she was abusive. I simply think it would be dumb to downplay that alcohol didn't play some role, because I'm sure it did. But it doesn't excuse how screwed up she is or what she is doing now. Just like the drinker has a choice, so does everyone else. And her behavior is unacceptable. I wonder... But it doesn't change these other peoples' awful behavior.
Most people I have met through him absolutely love him. Most of these people respect him and think he is fun, kind, silly, talented, helpful, a good friend. He shows up to work, on time to muster up and never calls in. He volunteers for anything he can get his hands into. He is a part of all sorts of teams that prevent things such as abuse or for emergency calls... And he just got another certification. He isn't abusive. He isn't an angry drunk. He is annoying as hell, and his health suffers, and he has black outs and doesn't make any sense when he is drunk. But most of what I read here I can't even relate to.... I guess he's a different flavor?

Sorry, but it's hard to sift through to the gems of information I KNOW everyone is trying to share with me, when there are assumptions being made about things that I did not or cannot specify. But I digress.... I know everyone means well, and I truly am taking into consideration what everyone is saying. Including my mother, sister, children, and best friend.
Today has been rough, emotionally... I miss him like crazy and my eight year old is mad at me that I left him. She said, "There is nothing wrong with him mom. You left him for no reason. NO.... We are not getting rid of him!"
Ugh.... sent me soaring into emotional sadness....
Here's to another night with broken sleep! Yay!

freetosmile

Hey girlie-

You just keep your head up, ok? And just know that all of us here care about you and want you to come out of this thing relatively unscathed and ready to make your own path.

Your daughter is upset and rightfully so, but you are the mom and you are making choices that are not only safe for you and her, but that are going to positively effect the "long term plan". I have been dealing with a lot of kid stuff lately too. And it actually JUST hit me as I was typing this....my kids may be acting out because AH is coming home. That NEVER even occurred to me!! Geesh! I'm an idiot.

You know what the right thing to do is.

You also know that we start to "feel sorry" or "feel for them" that it begins to suck us back in....you may not want to admit right now, but you know it's true. I do it too. ALL THE TIME!!! And the minute that I do, I start finding myself compromising again. Making exceptions and giving in.

Like I said before...you know in your heart what the right thing to do is. And I'll be here when you need. I read all your posts and follow your story. Hang in there. Follow your the TRUE calling of your heart. Not the "feeling sorry for" part. That part is the codie in you. In us.

hugs!!!

ladyscribbler

Hi HMA. Sorry if some of my posts sound harsh or uncaring toward your bf. I thought my ex was a "different flavor" too. He just had a lot of bad luck, and people making problems for him. He was a war hero, received three Purple Hearts from his final deployment. He just needed some time to get adjusted and get his act together. He needed my help. How could I be heartless and uncaring with someone who NEEDED me so much? If he would just slow down his drinking everything would be fine and we could live happily ever after. We were meant for each other, after all. Not too many people survive together in a war zone, we were strong, we were unique and special.
That's what I believed.
But that's not how alcoholism works. He and I were not unique, not by a long shot. Time passed, his disease progressed, and now I have become one of those people he blames for everything that goes wrong in his life. After I finally left, he moved on to my replacement so fast it made my head spin. We weren't special. He needed someone to take care of him and he found her as soon as I was out the door.
I'm not telling you what to do, but would you consider slowing this relationship way down? Look at his behavior, without the filter of your feelings and his excuses. He's still married to another woman. You deserve better.

LemonGirl

Omg, I needed to hear that!! Thank you fts!

LemonGirl

I really truly believe all of you who say that he was one man one day and that the disease progressed. In fact, I broke up with him recently because of all of that. For me, I have never been with an alcoholic before, but I have had my share of emotion/mental abusers, narcissists, and two with speed addictions, and all of it has many similarities to alcoholics. I still feel very good about my decision to leave him. I just haven't gone NC, and I didn't tell him get better or else I am leaving; I just left and told him why. He recently announced his resolve, and I fully agree that I should make sure he sticks with it a year before I even give it another shot. I don't see myself moving on anytime soon, but I am giving myself to option to live my life regardless of what he chooses. And I have accepted whichever outcome that may be. I guess what I am having a hard time with is reconciling where exactly I do draw the line for not being his gf, but caring like a normal human being, and not allowing myself to go full codie. Haha....
You wonderful people are warning me to keep my distance, for my own sanity, and maybe even the extra nudge he needs (though that's not my intention). Anyway, sorry for MY posts. And thanx for coming back! I am still stuck in some weird angry stage. I am mad at the world right now. First stage of grieving.....

hopeful4

I want to point out a few REALLY great things about what you just posted. One, you did not give any ultimatium. You made a decision, and carried it out. That is very, very healthy. Two, you realize that you need to watch his actions over the course of a long time before you even think of reconciliation. Three, you realize you have a life to live, and want to live it, regardless of his actions. You are mad, you recognize you are mad. That's ok! You know why, it's because you realize that it is a stage of grief. You have had loss and are grieving that. The good thing, you move through those stages and won't stay mad forever!

These are all super great things!

There is a big difference between enabling and encouraging. I think you are smart enough to know the difference. So when you act, examine your own motivation and your own reasons before you even speak. Think about what you are doing and saying so that it is not off the cuff codie behavior. So much of that is just impulse things that come out of our mouths, so many times we regret that later!

I hope you keep coming back to SR, you will gain a lot of insight and support here!

marie1960

He is broken

"And all the kings horses, and all the kings men couldn't put humpty dumpty back together again."

If he truly wants recovery, he will seek it out, his current actions say otherwise.

Used to be a time I walked around in my rose colored glasses, believing all the "nonsense" that happened before we were a couple was not relevant to our present situation, our situation was different, I/we had special circumstances that separated us from what all the other folks at SR were experiencing.

Instead of acknowledging that Alcohol was the common denominator in all his troubles, (loss of career, loss of drivers license) I wrote it off as just bad luck, and his exgf of a year was just some selfish, batsh*t crazy woman, who just happened to tell lies.

Like you, i just kept doing my own thing, and then one day, the pieces of the puzzle would no longer connect. I did not have a minor child to worry about like you currently do, Knowing what I know today, there is no way in hell I would share my home with an addict, and expose an innocent child to that nonsense.


Somewhere there is the" how to be a douchebag alcoholic" handbook. And the contents say, Lie, deny, manipulate, deflect, accept zero responsibility for self, gaslight, quack, destroy self, and anyone who tries to stop the drinking. Add mental and physical abuse, cheating, stealing, and more lies, and you pretty much have the recipe to ruin lives.


hope you continue to educate yourself about addiction, no one should ever have to live in a home where addiction rules.

NerdlyBeauty

This just totally made my day. Thanks!