Why Do I have to attend Al-alon?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Originally Posted by Mylaststraw 
The rehab program enforced the idea that I should help, in any way, with my husbands recovery. I thought Al-alon was to help him get sober? He continues to work 40+ hours a week and provide for the family. In my opinion, an alcoholic is someone who is unemployed, dirty and drinks out of a paper bag. I don't work and rely on him for 100% of the income. I come from a very strict Catholic family and divorce is not an option.
Re: being Catholic, I am a daily rosary and daily office prayer and active in my parish, Magisterium following Catholic. Sorry, but PLEASE do not use the Church as an excuse for staying in the rut you are in.
De-Nile is a river that runs through Egypt!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I can only say that there are many wives on here that rely on their spouses for their income. When push comes to shove, they have a really hard time because their spouse controls the purse strings. I encourage you to have a separate fund for yourself. I understand that for you divorce is not an option. However, even if you need to separate for a bit, or leave for a few days, you need access to funds for yourself.
I will also tell you that many people on this forum have alcoholics in their lives with jobs, that have good hygene, and are not homeless. Read, read, and read some more.
I will also tell you that many people on this forum have alcoholics in their lives with jobs, that have good hygene, and are not homeless. Read, read, and read some more.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Mich
Posts: 212
I can say that Alanon for me, has been helpful for me in a variety of ways:
1. I get to express my feelings and thoughts in a safe, non-judged place
2. I hear other similar experiences and it's really helped me to feel that I'm not the only person who has been dealing with this.
3. I've learned that some of my past reactions, how I handled things and so on, will never work, I was wasting my time and energy...and I learned new coping techniques
4. It reminded me that I need to focus on ME and I really can only control ME
5. When I've put those things I've learned into place, it has helped my situation out and my life more tolerable with an active drinker. I also really believe my changes in how I reacted to things, being able to set my boundaries and so forth did help my AH seek the treatment he needed to and to start working on his recovery. He has said, my boundary statements were a huge eye opener for him.
I also see a therapist biweekly now, I started weekly, who is an addiction expert and that has helped me a lot!
Good luck to you! I hope you will give it a fair shot (meaning go to several meetings before making a decision)! Keep coming back here, lots to learn.
1. I get to express my feelings and thoughts in a safe, non-judged place
2. I hear other similar experiences and it's really helped me to feel that I'm not the only person who has been dealing with this.
3. I've learned that some of my past reactions, how I handled things and so on, will never work, I was wasting my time and energy...and I learned new coping techniques
4. It reminded me that I need to focus on ME and I really can only control ME
5. When I've put those things I've learned into place, it has helped my situation out and my life more tolerable with an active drinker. I also really believe my changes in how I reacted to things, being able to set my boundaries and so forth did help my AH seek the treatment he needed to and to start working on his recovery. He has said, my boundary statements were a huge eye opener for him.
I also see a therapist biweekly now, I started weekly, who is an addiction expert and that has helped me a lot!
Good luck to you! I hope you will give it a fair shot (meaning go to several meetings before making a decision)! Keep coming back here, lots to learn.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Ha! I'm so glad you're here! You sound EXACTLY like me when I first came here!
Alcoholics are dirty homeless folks that live under a bridge -- check. Why should I go to Al-Anon when he's the one with the drinking problem -- check.
So, here's what I found with Al-Anon: When I was married to an alcoholic (who made six figures and lived in a fancy suburban home and drove new cars every year -- so I didn't think he was an alcoholic for the LONGEST time), EVERYTHING was about HIM.
He was the sun around which everything was supposed to orbit. If he was unhappy, everyone should cater to him. If he was angry, everyone should support his anger (even if it was at the postman for not delivering a car part he had ordered). If he told a story, everyone had better listen. If he wanted to be left alone, everyone had better tiptoe through the house in stocking feet and not open or close any cabinet doors. EVERY #@$& THING was about HIM.
Al-Anon wasn't.
When I walked in there, it was all about ME. It felt like a pause in the horrid life I was living. It felt like a safe place where I could relax. Where I didn't have to keep up appearances -- either about his drinking or about my pain.
I didn't want to go. But I did anyway, when I got desperate enough. And I'm glad I did.
I think when you're married to an alcoholic, it's important that you take care of yourself. Al-Anon is ONE way to take care of yourself. As you've seen, when your husband is in rehab, everything is about HIM. Heck, they even told you that YOUR JOB WAS TO HELP KEEP HIM SOBER -- which makes me pull this out:
So who's worrying about how YOU are doing in all of this?
The answer is -- nobody's going to, unless you do.
Al-Anon was a good answer for me. I couldn't go to a therapist without my husband knowing -- and he would have made my life hell if I had.
So no matter how angry you are and how much you hate the idea -- give it a shot. Give it like six or seven or nine shots. Just go and listen. In my culture, there's a belief that there are healing powers in stories. And just going there and listening to stories people told, about their lives, about how they were able to build strength despite the alcoholic in their lives... it gave me hope.
Alcoholics are dirty homeless folks that live under a bridge -- check. Why should I go to Al-Anon when he's the one with the drinking problem -- check.
So, here's what I found with Al-Anon: When I was married to an alcoholic (who made six figures and lived in a fancy suburban home and drove new cars every year -- so I didn't think he was an alcoholic for the LONGEST time), EVERYTHING was about HIM.
He was the sun around which everything was supposed to orbit. If he was unhappy, everyone should cater to him. If he was angry, everyone should support his anger (even if it was at the postman for not delivering a car part he had ordered). If he told a story, everyone had better listen. If he wanted to be left alone, everyone had better tiptoe through the house in stocking feet and not open or close any cabinet doors. EVERY #@$& THING was about HIM.
Al-Anon wasn't.
When I walked in there, it was all about ME. It felt like a pause in the horrid life I was living. It felt like a safe place where I could relax. Where I didn't have to keep up appearances -- either about his drinking or about my pain.
I didn't want to go. But I did anyway, when I got desperate enough. And I'm glad I did.
I think when you're married to an alcoholic, it's important that you take care of yourself. Al-Anon is ONE way to take care of yourself. As you've seen, when your husband is in rehab, everything is about HIM. Heck, they even told you that YOUR JOB WAS TO HELP KEEP HIM SOBER -- which makes me pull this out:
So who's worrying about how YOU are doing in all of this?
The answer is -- nobody's going to, unless you do.
Al-Anon was a good answer for me. I couldn't go to a therapist without my husband knowing -- and he would have made my life hell if I had.
So no matter how angry you are and how much you hate the idea -- give it a shot. Give it like six or seven or nine shots. Just go and listen. In my culture, there's a belief that there are healing powers in stories. And just going there and listening to stories people told, about their lives, about how they were able to build strength despite the alcoholic in their lives... it gave me hope.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
1) Stephen King
2) Diana Ross
3) Michael J. Fox
4) Alec baldwin
5) Robert Downey Jr.
6) Stephen Tyler
7) Anthony Hopkins
8) Elton John
9) Lindsay Lohan
10) Melanie Griffith
11) Mel Gibson
12) Robin Williams
All very rich. All Successful. All Employed (if not dead). All Alcoholics.
There is no picture in the dictionary under alcoholic.
2) Diana Ross
3) Michael J. Fox
4) Alec baldwin
5) Robert Downey Jr.
6) Stephen Tyler
7) Anthony Hopkins
8) Elton John
9) Lindsay Lohan
10) Melanie Griffith
11) Mel Gibson
12) Robin Williams
All very rich. All Successful. All Employed (if not dead). All Alcoholics.
There is no picture in the dictionary under alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by Mylaststraw
The rehab program enforced the idea that I should help, in any way, with my husbands recovery. I thought Al-alon was to help him get sober? He continues to work 40+ hours a week and provide for the family. In my opinion, an alcoholic is someone who is unemployed, dirty and drinks out of a paper bag. I don't work and rely on him for 100% of the income. I come from a very strict Catholic family and divorce is not an option.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Ayer, MA
Posts: 87
Originally Posted by Mylaststraw
Heck, the neighbor kid who collected aluminum cans would stop by every week. There would literally be hundreds of empty 12oz cans of beer. The amounts he drinks is mind blowing.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
When my A went to rehab I wasn't allowed to see him unless I did the 2 hour thing as well.
I think they want the family to have as much info and resources as they can. I very much resented going - but when it was over I was ok being there. I was able to look around the room and see all different kinds of people who were there for a loved one - parents, wives, friends, husbands. It was eye opening. This one woman across the room looked "just like me" -
Too bad it didn't humble me enough..
I think they want the family to have as much info and resources as they can. I very much resented going - but when it was over I was ok being there. I was able to look around the room and see all different kinds of people who were there for a loved one - parents, wives, friends, husbands. It was eye opening. This one woman across the room looked "just like me" -
Too bad it didn't humble me enough..
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
