Ok, so here's my dilemma...
 

I want to start by saying how grateful I am for finding this forum. Today in particular, I am finding humor in my situation and the hell my AXBF is putting me through. Hell, I may get a book out of this :)

But I digress...

As many of you probably know (from me hijacking threads all day. Sorry!) I have a six year old son with my AXBF. Last night, I made the decision to completely cut him out of our lives. He is in severe relapse, and when he's drinking, he is sexually, verbally, and emotionally abusive towards me. I absolutely will not allow my son to grow up thinking that's how a man treats a woman.

In the past, I have tried to make it work with him seeing our son. Unfortunately, I have to be there because he is always drunk. I refuse to do that anymore, and I refuse to explain to that a-hole why, because he won't hear it, anyway. He is blocked, blocked, blocked completely.

We, thankfully, were never married, and in MA, the Mother has full rights unless she is unfit. And one thing I am not is an unfit mother, no matter what my son's father says.

So, my question is...how do I explain to my son why he can't see his dad anymore? Again, he is only 6, and I don't want him to hate his dad, and I don't want him to hate me later on for keeping his dad from him. Has anyone else experienced this?

Thanks! I love you guys!!!!!

My kids were a bit older when I left their dad (youngest was 8), but I've always been upfront but respectful of their dad with them. I told them that their father had a disease called alcoholism that made it so that when he starts drinking, he can't stop -- and when he drinks... and here they filled in "he's mean" (I didn't even have to say it).

I told them that until such a time as he decided he wanted to get help, go to a doctor, it wasn't safe for us to be around him. I told them it's OK to be sad about that, it's OK to love him and miss him, but that as their mother, I had to put their safety first.

I don't know if any of that helps? I also got them into counseling -- partly because our leaving happened in a very traumatic way, but also because I wanted them to have a safe other adult to vent to, say all those things that they didn't want to say to me -- someone they could tell if they missed their dad, if they thought I was being mean, if they had questions they didn't want to ask me...

lillamy, this is EXACTLY what i needed to hear. I have explained to our son that his father is sick, and he knows how his father gets when he is drinking. I expect him to be sad and act out the first few weeks, but I don't want him to resent me years later. I don't have any hope that his father will ever seriously be in recovery.

NB, just keep talking to him as he grows older. If he knows he can trust you to tell him the truth (age-appropriately, of course) he'll be way ahead of the game as far as having an alcoholic parent goes.

This sounds about perfect to me.

I would also strongly encourage you to get professional help for yourself, Nerdly. You sound very smart, strong and resolved - but this is a lot to carry by yourself, and a good therapist can help you map things out in a way that is healthiest for you and your son.

Best of luck to you in a rotten situation.

My husband & I are raising our granddaughter ~ her dad (my step-son, hubby's son) suffers from the disease of addition.
We have talked to our granddaughter about this because of his actions, her disappointments and all that goes with having an A father.

Most of all I have told her, it doesn't make him a bad person ~ it doesn't mean she shouldn't love him and it in NO way makes her a bad person because her dad has this problem.

I reassure her that WE still love him, but we just have to set limits and boundaries to keep our home a healthy place for her and for ourselves.

and I hold her very close when she cries and tell her it's ok to cry because this kind of stuff hurts and if Daddy was healthy, I'm sure he would never do anything to hurt her, but because he is not healthy right now, he can't make the best decisions.

and I hold her again.

Just my experience, strength and hope,

wishing you & your son the very best,

Amen to all the advice above.

I have 4 sons, all much older than your son, but honesty, age appropriate honesty, is absolutely best.

Good for you knowing what you want and going for it.

I always discussed with my daughters that there Dad was an A. I told them that they could have his DNA and they should stay away from drugs and alcohol. I feel because of that, my daughters 22 and 21, have stayed away. It is my biggest blessing that they are not addicts. These kids growing up in the crazy homes and they become crazy, its just what they know.

I spoke at an open AA meeting once and an A came up to me and told me that his parents were A's and they never "talked" about it. He said he thought it was great that I am open about their fathers disease with the kids.

Good luck with your little guy. He deserves peace and a loving home.

I have done the same with mine sons. Explained how they should always abstain for that very reason. That's all I can do. Just share the facts and pray their lives go a different direction.

Thank you, thank you, thank you everyone. I have been very age-appropriately honest with him, and he is surrounded by a lot of healthy love. Plus, I never say anything bad about his AD in front of him. I'm just really sad for him that he won't have a "normal" upbringing, since I will probably never get married. However...here's a silver lining story: My brother's girlfriend is currently pregnant (yay! baby niece for Auntie Renee!), and they visited us last week. Well, my son fell in absolute love with my bro's gf. He told her he was going to build a hospital for her, and that he would take care of her and the baby. These are words he NEVER heard come out of his father's mouth, that came directly from his sweet, dear six year old heart.

Is there such thing as "normal" anymore??!!

Honey, you just tell that sweet boy that his daddy is sick, and until he gets some help for his sickness, which could take a really long time, that it's not good to see him b/c the sickness makes him act differently than he should.

Being honest in an age appropriate way is the best thing you can do. It's great that you are there for him and making this very good decision to protect him from the harm it would cause him to be around that sort of toxic behavior.

Tight, tight hugs.

NB, (I love the name :) btw)

If it'll help, when DS was 4-6, he loved the book The Brown Bottle by Penny Jones. It's a lovely little book that actually helped me understand AXH's addiction better, too.

Your AA meetings there seem to be more 'open' than most. Even in AA's pamphlet: The AA Group...where it all begins; it states............:

"...Closed meetings are for A.A. members only, or for those who have a drinking problem and 'have a desire to stop drinking.' Open meetings are available to anyone interested in Alcoholics Anonymous’ program of recovery from alcoholism..."

It does not go into who may, or may not, speak in meeting, but in all the AA meetings that I've attended (quite a bunch over the years) it was always requested that only alcoholics speak. Yes, both A's and non-A's attended, but since these were ALCOHOLICS Anonymous meetings (not Al-Anon), it was always requested that all non-alcoholics save their talk for more appropriate rooms....like CODA or Al-Anon.

(o:
NoelleR

I've seen Alanons invited to speak at an open AA meeting (and I've only been to 1), it was a "chip meeting" where someone was getting their 30 year medallion and we (the Alanons ) joined with the AA folks.
NerdlyBeauty, totally get where you're coming from. I left when my son was 4. He is 5, will be 6 in a month. You have done all the right things, as far as age- appropriate explanation. My son has literally never asked about his dad (reading your previous posts, I think we were in similar situations as far as the abusive behavior). I say "it's Father's Day/Christmas/Whatever holiday, do you want to send Daddy a card?" and our son loves to draw pictures and write, so he does.
But otherwise, he never asks about daddy, or says that he misses him or anything. He dislikes speaking on the phone because my ex rants and raves and goes off on paranoid tangents, but since we've got a custody thing going on I make sure they talk every Sunday. Stupid, but I don't want to get accused of parental alienation.
He saw his father's drunken, abusive behavior for four years and is scared of him. Never asks me when he is going to see daddy or says he misses daddy. Not once since I left.
He is much better off. Has blossomed and grown more confident because he's no longer dealing with my ex's crazy behavior.
PM me anytime. Big hugs to you and your son.

You made the right decision. But about your son growing up to resent you...

We cannot control our children's choices either. All we can do is prepare them and support them. I wouldn't worry so much that your children might resent you. As long as you keep your relationship with him strong and raise him to know that you've got his back no matter what, even through resentment, he will also learn the truth and find a way to work through that resentment. All children grow up affected by their parents in some way or another. As we get older and we watch our parents get older... and then after we have our own children (if that happens), we learn that even our parents are human and make mistakes and choices that they felt were best for us when we were children. There will be a time when he will understand all of this. Thank God he has you looking out for him!

NoelleR, Every Saturday we have an open AA meeting at our local church. The last Saturday of the month they have an AA and an Alanon person speak. This way the AA members get the perspective of what we have gone through also.

It was difficult to go and speak and tell them what has happened in your life. My friends, AA and Alonons came, and my daughter came and listened also.

Thanks for this, ladyscribbler! It's funny...the first night, my son was asking where his Dad was, but nothing since. I just realized this is the first time my son and I have been on our own together. We moved around a bit with different family members, which never worked out for one reason or another. Lets just say I am not surrounded by the most supportive people in the world. But now, we finally have peace!

And thanks to everyone, sincerely. I've been in a few different groups, both online and off, but you people are the absolute BEST!!!!

I was concerned about my kids resenting me, too. They've said some things over the years that have cut me to the core -- but they've also been very clear that they are grateful that I protected them from their father to the extent I did.

Where they will come out at the end of all of this, I don't know -- but as HMA says, children are people and we can't control the conclusions they draw from what happens to them. What we can do is give them a healthy home. :)

What? Why?

Age-appropriate, ongoing discussions with absolute transparency whenever possible, yes, for sure.

DD was about 7 when we started talking about addiction & we talk about how dysfunction comes in all varieties, not JUST about RAH & "his" issues. I also talk to her a lot about Codie behaviors because I'm trying to educate her from both sides of this nightmare.