Same Place.... Different Year
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Arizona
Posts: 27
Same Place.... Different Year
I have not been here in a very long time but I went back and read my post from 2012 and the surprising thing to me is that nothing has changed. Well maybe some changes.
One thing that has changed is that then he was drinking 5 days a week but now he drinks 7. On the 2 nights he labels as "not drinking nights" he now drinks a glass or 2 of wine or has 1-3 beers. He still gets drunk 2-3 times a week.
A few things in his health has changed which he will not really acknowledged. He is unable to perform in the bedroom without pills and even that is getting worse. His mind is continuing to have memory problems and he is still making major mistakes at work which is a company we own jointly so I cannot fire him. There are still major issues with our children and our one child living at home is getting more and more rebellious with anything that has to do with his father. Which is of great concern for me. He literally flips out if he has to ride in the car with his dad which I feel is over dramatic but it is hard for me to tell if it is truly an issue or if he is just causing drama. He has always been my most dramatic child.
My AH is emotionally abusive and extremely negative. Everything must be his way because there is no other way. I have pretty much quit doing anything I enjoy for fear of having to "pay for it later". I hardly ever shop, never go to movies, and rarely do anything without him. The times I have to myself are very few and far between and only happen when he goes out drinking with his friends. I have no desire to go out with him because I do not drink much and will pretty much do anything not to get drunk as I cannot stand to feel like that. I do not like social situations where drinking gets out of hand. If I even think people will be getting drunk I cannot stand the thought of going. He has turned my mind so against drunkenness that it is really hard for me.
Now to the point of my post.......
My AH is leaving on a vacation tomorrow to Hawaii with his brother. Him and his brother made it clear that I was not invited but later I was invited which I could not go anyway because my son is in school. I feel he invited me to clear his conscious. I have not made a big deal to him about him going because I know he will go no matter what. The thing that upset me about him going was the fact that we have been talking of going there our whole 23 years of marriage. It was our dream vacation but now he is going without me.
Another major blow to me was that his wedding band had to be cut off during surgery. A few months prior to that my engagement ring lost its diamond so it is time to replace the rings. We have talked about replacing them for 5 years but with them both broken in the past year I would have thought he would want to replace them by now. So he is also going ringless on this trip. My ring has always been important to me. I found one in a pawn shop that was less than 200 dollars that was identical to my old set and he would not buy it for me. Now we are financially able to get the rings he just doesn't see it as important.
The other issue is the troubles our son is having. He is struggling in school and I am having a hard time getting him off pot. His attitude stinks and he is disrespectful to me. I am not sure how to fix these issues living with an alcoholic.
For a few weeks I have been making plans to move out when my AH is gone on vacation. I cannot continue to live with him controlling my every move and him having to list every one of my faults every time he gets drunk. Of course there is way more to it than what I have listed above but those are highlights of things I am having trouble with.
I was feeling guilty about leaving without talking to him as I had promised him years ago when I left him I would never leave again without talking to him first. Since he drinks everyday it is hard to find an appropriate time to talk to him plus when he is sober and you talk to him he waits until he is drunk then unleashes what he didn't say during the conversation.
So.... Saturday morning I sat down to talk to him and I started the conversation with "As you know things have not been going well for us" to which he injected this blows me away I thought things were great between us. Mind you I have been sleeping in my own room for a year and telling him I cannot live with his negativity and waiting for him to blow up which he says is coming. He hates our oldest son with such hate it scares me and he cannot speak of him without his blood boiling. I cannot just "wait" for him to blow because I am so stressed that my mind is always on alert. An example of the feeling would be when you are home alone for the first time and every noise you hear freaks you out...well that is what it is like living with him.
Anyway sorry to keep rambling. I went on to tell him how I was planning to move to a place about 3 miles away because I could not keep living like this that I need some space and peace. I told him it was temporary to which he replied that it is not temporary we will go our separate was if we can't get along. SO that freaked me out and I folded. He said he would quit drinking around us and that if he was drinking he would not come home and so I replied with I will stay then.
What happened that night was I was sitting at the table doing homework (I'm getting my degree) and he goes back and forth to the fridge over and over. He literally stood there for minutes at one point. Anyway finally he got a beer. He proceeded to drink 2 beers that night which was better than usual because that is the night he always gets drunk. Every night since he has had 2-3 beers.
I am considering getting the place move-in ready so that I can tell him when he returns from vacation that every time he drinks my son and I are leaving. If he cracks open a beer or pours a glass of wine we are not staying that night. If he gets drunk or starts hiding the drink I will leave. I know this is only a temporary situation but it will help me start untangling from him and help show him that there are consequences for his drinking.
I need thoughts. Has anyone else done this? Do you have any insights or thoughts.
Thank you for listening and sorry my post is so long. I am just not sure how to write it all more condensed.
One thing that has changed is that then he was drinking 5 days a week but now he drinks 7. On the 2 nights he labels as "not drinking nights" he now drinks a glass or 2 of wine or has 1-3 beers. He still gets drunk 2-3 times a week.
A few things in his health has changed which he will not really acknowledged. He is unable to perform in the bedroom without pills and even that is getting worse. His mind is continuing to have memory problems and he is still making major mistakes at work which is a company we own jointly so I cannot fire him. There are still major issues with our children and our one child living at home is getting more and more rebellious with anything that has to do with his father. Which is of great concern for me. He literally flips out if he has to ride in the car with his dad which I feel is over dramatic but it is hard for me to tell if it is truly an issue or if he is just causing drama. He has always been my most dramatic child.
My AH is emotionally abusive and extremely negative. Everything must be his way because there is no other way. I have pretty much quit doing anything I enjoy for fear of having to "pay for it later". I hardly ever shop, never go to movies, and rarely do anything without him. The times I have to myself are very few and far between and only happen when he goes out drinking with his friends. I have no desire to go out with him because I do not drink much and will pretty much do anything not to get drunk as I cannot stand to feel like that. I do not like social situations where drinking gets out of hand. If I even think people will be getting drunk I cannot stand the thought of going. He has turned my mind so against drunkenness that it is really hard for me.
Now to the point of my post.......
My AH is leaving on a vacation tomorrow to Hawaii with his brother. Him and his brother made it clear that I was not invited but later I was invited which I could not go anyway because my son is in school. I feel he invited me to clear his conscious. I have not made a big deal to him about him going because I know he will go no matter what. The thing that upset me about him going was the fact that we have been talking of going there our whole 23 years of marriage. It was our dream vacation but now he is going without me.
Another major blow to me was that his wedding band had to be cut off during surgery. A few months prior to that my engagement ring lost its diamond so it is time to replace the rings. We have talked about replacing them for 5 years but with them both broken in the past year I would have thought he would want to replace them by now. So he is also going ringless on this trip. My ring has always been important to me. I found one in a pawn shop that was less than 200 dollars that was identical to my old set and he would not buy it for me. Now we are financially able to get the rings he just doesn't see it as important.
The other issue is the troubles our son is having. He is struggling in school and I am having a hard time getting him off pot. His attitude stinks and he is disrespectful to me. I am not sure how to fix these issues living with an alcoholic.
For a few weeks I have been making plans to move out when my AH is gone on vacation. I cannot continue to live with him controlling my every move and him having to list every one of my faults every time he gets drunk. Of course there is way more to it than what I have listed above but those are highlights of things I am having trouble with.
I was feeling guilty about leaving without talking to him as I had promised him years ago when I left him I would never leave again without talking to him first. Since he drinks everyday it is hard to find an appropriate time to talk to him plus when he is sober and you talk to him he waits until he is drunk then unleashes what he didn't say during the conversation.
So.... Saturday morning I sat down to talk to him and I started the conversation with "As you know things have not been going well for us" to which he injected this blows me away I thought things were great between us. Mind you I have been sleeping in my own room for a year and telling him I cannot live with his negativity and waiting for him to blow up which he says is coming. He hates our oldest son with such hate it scares me and he cannot speak of him without his blood boiling. I cannot just "wait" for him to blow because I am so stressed that my mind is always on alert. An example of the feeling would be when you are home alone for the first time and every noise you hear freaks you out...well that is what it is like living with him.
Anyway sorry to keep rambling. I went on to tell him how I was planning to move to a place about 3 miles away because I could not keep living like this that I need some space and peace. I told him it was temporary to which he replied that it is not temporary we will go our separate was if we can't get along. SO that freaked me out and I folded. He said he would quit drinking around us and that if he was drinking he would not come home and so I replied with I will stay then.
What happened that night was I was sitting at the table doing homework (I'm getting my degree) and he goes back and forth to the fridge over and over. He literally stood there for minutes at one point. Anyway finally he got a beer. He proceeded to drink 2 beers that night which was better than usual because that is the night he always gets drunk. Every night since he has had 2-3 beers.
I am considering getting the place move-in ready so that I can tell him when he returns from vacation that every time he drinks my son and I are leaving. If he cracks open a beer or pours a glass of wine we are not staying that night. If he gets drunk or starts hiding the drink I will leave. I know this is only a temporary situation but it will help me start untangling from him and help show him that there are consequences for his drinking.
I need thoughts. Has anyone else done this? Do you have any insights or thoughts.
Thank you for listening and sorry my post is so long. I am just not sure how to write it all more condensed.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Sunny,
You and your kids have been living in a very toxic alcoholic home for a very long time. i am not sure where to begin. I am not sure what you are asking or stating. Your husband is an A and asking him to stop drinking is really not possible for him to do. So I am not sure why you are waiting. It seems you are very angry with him, he has terrible relations with your kids. Do you think that he will get hit with a serenity stick and all of a sudden he will be cured?
I worked in my own biz with my XAH for 22 years. I was stuck. My kids were so angry with him, I cried all the time, my life was miserable. We sold our biz and it took 2 years before I acknowledged the dysfunction that he had caused in our lives. I think you have given him more then enough chances to have him get his act together. He does nothing for you, hawaii and the rings, stuff you want really doesn't matter to him.
I am not telling you what to do, but if it was me I would move and get my stuff out while he was gone. You need time to get your act together. Take your son and let him get out of this crazy home. Take your time and take care of you and your kids. They will probably tell you it's about time. When you are ready and he gets his act together you can always move back home and not an hour sooner.
You need to get some help from Alanon or go to some open AA meetings. You need to work on yourself as you have to be able to be strong enough to support anything you need to do. I don't mean to be mean or aggressive, but you have been more then patient with him and not sure why you still stay.
Good luck!! ((((((((hugs)))))))
You and your kids have been living in a very toxic alcoholic home for a very long time. i am not sure where to begin. I am not sure what you are asking or stating. Your husband is an A and asking him to stop drinking is really not possible for him to do. So I am not sure why you are waiting. It seems you are very angry with him, he has terrible relations with your kids. Do you think that he will get hit with a serenity stick and all of a sudden he will be cured?
I worked in my own biz with my XAH for 22 years. I was stuck. My kids were so angry with him, I cried all the time, my life was miserable. We sold our biz and it took 2 years before I acknowledged the dysfunction that he had caused in our lives. I think you have given him more then enough chances to have him get his act together. He does nothing for you, hawaii and the rings, stuff you want really doesn't matter to him.
I am not telling you what to do, but if it was me I would move and get my stuff out while he was gone. You need time to get your act together. Take your son and let him get out of this crazy home. Take your time and take care of you and your kids. They will probably tell you it's about time. When you are ready and he gets his act together you can always move back home and not an hour sooner.
You need to get some help from Alanon or go to some open AA meetings. You need to work on yourself as you have to be able to be strong enough to support anything you need to do. I don't mean to be mean or aggressive, but you have been more then patient with him and not sure why you still stay.
Good luck!! ((((((((hugs)))))))
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Originally Posted by Eauchiche 
As we recover, we have less to say about what "they" are doing. We eventually realize that their world is just crazy, and we can't fix it for them.
I'm so sorry you and your boys are hurting. There's a sign at one of the Alanon groups I go to that says "Life does not have to suck.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
I think your plan is good. If you need space to find peace, then you don't need his permission to do it. If he wants to be a jerk, let him be a jerk all by himself. You don't have to be around it and it would definitely be healthier for your kids.
Have you thought about taking our son to see a therapist or alateen? Do you go to alanon, celebrate recovery, or have any sort of support for yourself?
I have to share this with you, I complained to my therapist how one of my sons is so disrespectful towards me. Her response was, "So, your alcoholic husband is the king of disrespect in your home and you expect you children not to be the same?" It was a wake up call. Its so true. How can I expect my son to respond to me properly if my own husband is so disrespectful? My husband is teaching this to my sons! I felt a little ill when she pointed that out. But this is reversible. You don't have to keep doing the same old same old. I think your plan is a good start. I'll be praying for you! Hugs
Have you thought about taking our son to see a therapist or alateen? Do you go to alanon, celebrate recovery, or have any sort of support for yourself?
I have to share this with you, I complained to my therapist how one of my sons is so disrespectful towards me. Her response was, "So, your alcoholic husband is the king of disrespect in your home and you expect you children not to be the same?" It was a wake up call. Its so true. How can I expect my son to respond to me properly if my own husband is so disrespectful? My husband is teaching this to my sons! I felt a little ill when she pointed that out. But this is reversible. You don't have to keep doing the same old same old. I think your plan is a good start. I'll be praying for you! Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
I have to start out by saying I do not think your son is being overly dramatic about riding in the car with his father. You did state that your husband drinks 7 days a week and gets drunk 2-3 times per week. I wouldn't want to ride with him either. Are there alternate means of transportation for your son?
I'm sorry you are dealing with this again. It sounds extremely stressful. I agree with the advice of al-anon or a therapist.
I did move out when my AH's drinking became unbearable for me. It was the best thing I could have done for my kids and me. Moving out allowed me to see things more clearly and stop living in denial. My normal had become so crazy and skewed I didn't know what to do anymore. I briefly got sucked back in after a year and thought he was in recovery. When his actions did not look like recovery I had the strength to hit the door running. Leaving was very painful but staying was worse.
I don't know if you should stay or go but your situation brings to mind the serenity prayer. I hope you find the courage to change the things you can. Good luck.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this again. It sounds extremely stressful. I agree with the advice of al-anon or a therapist.
I did move out when my AH's drinking became unbearable for me. It was the best thing I could have done for my kids and me. Moving out allowed me to see things more clearly and stop living in denial. My normal had become so crazy and skewed I didn't know what to do anymore. I briefly got sucked back in after a year and thought he was in recovery. When his actions did not look like recovery I had the strength to hit the door running. Leaving was very painful but staying was worse.
I don't know if you should stay or go but your situation brings to mind the serenity prayer. I hope you find the courage to change the things you can. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
It really sounds like you could use these: (((((hugs)))))
When I left AXH, I told him I was leaving just before I left. I was incredibly lucky, in that he didn't think I'd stay gone. I know that if he had thought I'd stay gone, things could have gone really, really bad. Even though I told him before I moved out, I didn't tell him when I started planning, saving, or when I found my apartment.
I'd told him just before I left, because, in my mind, we were going to work on ourselves and then our relationship. He was supposed to work on his alcohol problem and anger, and I was supposed to work on me. And he had agreed. It didn't work out that way at all.
It ended up being the last time I left him. (I'd left him more than once.) Both DS, who was 3 when we left, and I have seen therapists for periods of time to learn how to deal with the craziness of life with an active alcoholic, and to learn healthier communication and coping skills.
When I left AXH, I told him I was leaving just before I left. I was incredibly lucky, in that he didn't think I'd stay gone. I know that if he had thought I'd stay gone, things could have gone really, really bad. Even though I told him before I moved out, I didn't tell him when I started planning, saving, or when I found my apartment.
I'd told him just before I left, because, in my mind, we were going to work on ourselves and then our relationship. He was supposed to work on his alcohol problem and anger, and I was supposed to work on me. And he had agreed. It didn't work out that way at all.
It ended up being the last time I left him. (I'd left him more than once.) Both DS, who was 3 when we left, and I have seen therapists for periods of time to learn how to deal with the craziness of life with an active alcoholic, and to learn healthier communication and coping skills.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
I think your plan is a good one. Why do I say this? Because I think that when you get your own place as a getaway, it will become a permanent place of residence. He probably won't be sober long enough for you to ever actually go home. If you do get your own place, even if temporary, at least you will have a place of peace for you and your son.
I have been living in a somewhat similar situation. I kicked my xABF whom I have a five year old son with in August 2014. He got a place very close to our home so that he could see our son often and co-parent. He does come over to our house and I have considered working things out with him many times over the course of the last 6 months. But, I have told him, that I will not let him live with us if he is drinking, if he won't financially help support us or if he continues to mentally abuse me. He has continued doing all of the above. Drinking (his place is FILLED with empty beer cans, bottles, etc), he still doesn't contribute financially and he still mentally abuses me when I am stupid enough to let him.
It is hard to get out of the abusive cycle. I have my mother constantly reminding me of the things he has done to me (which is good - i need it). I have loved and hoped and cared for this person for so many years that it has given this sick and warped meaning to my life. Getting away from living with him though, has given me the chance to find some clarity. It has given my son some peace. When I have asked him if he wants daddy to move back in with us, he says NO. He says, "You fight". And he is only 5. He has also told me he doesn't want to be 'a drunk'. This breaks my heart because I should have protected him from seeing a person drinking and being in a drunken state of mind for five years.
I recently told the xabf that things were definitively over. That we don't get along and that things just don't work for us. Having a separate residence has given me time to clarify and identify with myself. It has given me space to forge new friendships and get used to living alone. Although we have been in contact nearly every day, I still can shut him out and not have to put up with his drunken abuse. When he starts texting me crazy stuff, I just block his number, turn on the TV and enjoy my peace of mind.
They have to protect the drink. That is their main love. I could picture my xABF going off to Hawaii and not giving a care about my feelings. When reading through this forum, they all sound the same because they are all coming from a place of protecting their addiction.
Do what you think you have to do. If it means a modified living arrangement, then do it. Life is about change, constant change. If you change your modified arrangement to a permanent one, it will just be that much easier to transition into. ((hugs)) and you can do this.
I was on these boards back in 2012 too and I FINALLY just kicked him out in 2014. :/
I have been living in a somewhat similar situation. I kicked my xABF whom I have a five year old son with in August 2014. He got a place very close to our home so that he could see our son often and co-parent. He does come over to our house and I have considered working things out with him many times over the course of the last 6 months. But, I have told him, that I will not let him live with us if he is drinking, if he won't financially help support us or if he continues to mentally abuse me. He has continued doing all of the above. Drinking (his place is FILLED with empty beer cans, bottles, etc), he still doesn't contribute financially and he still mentally abuses me when I am stupid enough to let him.
It is hard to get out of the abusive cycle. I have my mother constantly reminding me of the things he has done to me (which is good - i need it). I have loved and hoped and cared for this person for so many years that it has given this sick and warped meaning to my life. Getting away from living with him though, has given me the chance to find some clarity. It has given my son some peace. When I have asked him if he wants daddy to move back in with us, he says NO. He says, "You fight". And he is only 5. He has also told me he doesn't want to be 'a drunk'. This breaks my heart because I should have protected him from seeing a person drinking and being in a drunken state of mind for five years.
I recently told the xabf that things were definitively over. That we don't get along and that things just don't work for us. Having a separate residence has given me time to clarify and identify with myself. It has given me space to forge new friendships and get used to living alone. Although we have been in contact nearly every day, I still can shut him out and not have to put up with his drunken abuse. When he starts texting me crazy stuff, I just block his number, turn on the TV and enjoy my peace of mind.
They have to protect the drink. That is their main love. I could picture my xABF going off to Hawaii and not giving a care about my feelings. When reading through this forum, they all sound the same because they are all coming from a place of protecting their addiction.
Do what you think you have to do. If it means a modified living arrangement, then do it. Life is about change, constant change. If you change your modified arrangement to a permanent one, it will just be that much easier to transition into. ((hugs)) and you can do this.
I was on these boards back in 2012 too and I FINALLY just kicked him out in 2014. :/
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Your son's concerns are beyond valid and he needs to be heard. Having to live in a home with an active alcoholic is its own form of abuse, and it effects every fiber of his being. He has learned how to behave from his parents. He is acting out what has been modeled for him. I understand that this is very blunt, but you need to hear it. He's going to need therapy for the rest of his life if he ever had any hope of functioning in society without continuing the cycle of abuse. Get out while you can. Better late than never. (((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: sitting down and facing front
Posts: 170
Your plan is sound. It doesn't sound like things will improve - it's going found for him, why should he change?
You don't need his permission to leave. You don't need him to agree to it. You would be doing it for you and your kids, not for him.
We only get the one life - why not make it the best one you can? (Note to self, take my own advice one day)
You don't need his permission to leave. You don't need him to agree to it. You would be doing it for you and your kids, not for him.
We only get the one life - why not make it the best one you can? (Note to self, take my own advice one day)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Arizona
Posts: 27
I appreciate each response. After I posted I got very sick in bed with fever. I will be responding later as soon as I can. I am really hoping its not the flu because that will really mess up my plans. I will get back with you soon.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Sunny,
You may already be doing this, but it sounds like you need an objective third party to help walk you through your feelings and decisions here. A therapist who specializes in addiction and marriage counseling would probably fit the bill.
Here's the thing: you mention specific incidents or issues ie if he drinks, you will stay elsewhere. So he only has two or three, and you stay. It seems like if he partially addresses your current objection, you acquiesce and he can continue doing what he does. But although it's easy to use specific things to highlight what doesn't work for you, what you are addressing are symptoms as opposed to the disease.
For example: it's not the rings, but rather how much he values the marriage. Putting a new ring on your finger will not fix your relationship. Drinking two beers on a given night doesn't change the fact that he is likely an alcoholic.
You are dealing with a lot of issues simultaneously: his addiction, your marriage, your children's behaviors. This is a tremendous burden to tackle, and as much as SR is filled with experienced and good intentioned people who want to help - you really need more than a website can offer in this case.
Would you consider seeing a therapist?
You may already be doing this, but it sounds like you need an objective third party to help walk you through your feelings and decisions here. A therapist who specializes in addiction and marriage counseling would probably fit the bill.
Here's the thing: you mention specific incidents or issues ie if he drinks, you will stay elsewhere. So he only has two or three, and you stay. It seems like if he partially addresses your current objection, you acquiesce and he can continue doing what he does. But although it's easy to use specific things to highlight what doesn't work for you, what you are addressing are symptoms as opposed to the disease.
For example: it's not the rings, but rather how much he values the marriage. Putting a new ring on your finger will not fix your relationship. Drinking two beers on a given night doesn't change the fact that he is likely an alcoholic.
You are dealing with a lot of issues simultaneously: his addiction, your marriage, your children's behaviors. This is a tremendous burden to tackle, and as much as SR is filled with experienced and good intentioned people who want to help - you really need more than a website can offer in this case.
Would you consider seeing a therapist?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Tight hugs Sunny. I hope you physically and mentally get some much needed relief.
If you don't leave for yourself which you should, leave for your sons. What an awful environment. You are stronger than you think and YOU CAN DO THIS.
XXX
If you don't leave for yourself which you should, leave for your sons. What an awful environment. You are stronger than you think and YOU CAN DO THIS.
XXX
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Ayer, MA
Posts: 87
Originally Posted by chronsweet
I think your plan is a good one. Why do I say this? Because I think that when you get your own place as a getaway, it will become a permanent place of residence. He probably won't be sober long enough for you to ever actually go home. If you do get your own place, even if temporary, at least you will have a place of peace for you and your son.
I have been living in a somewhat similar situation. I kicked my xABF whom I have a five year old son with in August 2014. He got a place very close to our home so that he could see our son often and co-parent. He does come over to our house and I have considered working things out with him many times over the course of the last 6 months. But, I have told him, that I will not let him live with us if he is drinking, if he won't financially help support us or if he continues to mentally abuse me. He has continued doing all of the above. Drinking (his place is FILLED with empty beer cans, bottles, etc), he still doesn't contribute financially and he still mentally abuses me when I am stupid enough to let him.
It is hard to get out of the abusive cycle. I have my mother constantly reminding me of the things he has done to me (which is good - i need it). I have loved and hoped and cared for this person for so many years that it has given this sick and warped meaning to my life. Getting away from living with him though, has given me the chance to find some clarity. It has given my son some peace. When I have asked him if he wants daddy to move back in with us, he says NO. He says, "You fight". And he is only 5. He has also told me he doesn't want to be 'a drunk'. This breaks my heart because I should have protected him from seeing a person drinking and being in a drunken state of mind for five years.
I recently told the xabf that things were definitively over. That we don't get along and that things just don't work for us. Having a separate residence has given me time to clarify and identify with myself. It has given me space to forge new friendships and get used to living alone. Although we have been in contact nearly every day, I still can shut him out and not have to put up with his drunken abuse. When he starts texting me crazy stuff, I just block his number, turn on the TV and enjoy my peace of mind.
They have to protect the drink. That is their main love. I could picture my xABF going off to Hawaii and not giving a care about my feelings. When reading through this forum, they all sound the same because they are all coming from a place of protecting their addiction.
Do what you think you have to do. If it means a modified living arrangement, then do it. Life is about change, constant change. If you change your modified arrangement to a permanent one, it will just be that much easier to transition into. ((hugs)) and you can do this.
I was on these boards back in 2012 too and I FINALLY just kicked him out in 2014. :/
I have been living in a somewhat similar situation. I kicked my xABF whom I have a five year old son with in August 2014. He got a place very close to our home so that he could see our son often and co-parent. He does come over to our house and I have considered working things out with him many times over the course of the last 6 months. But, I have told him, that I will not let him live with us if he is drinking, if he won't financially help support us or if he continues to mentally abuse me. He has continued doing all of the above. Drinking (his place is FILLED with empty beer cans, bottles, etc), he still doesn't contribute financially and he still mentally abuses me when I am stupid enough to let him.
It is hard to get out of the abusive cycle. I have my mother constantly reminding me of the things he has done to me (which is good - i need it). I have loved and hoped and cared for this person for so many years that it has given this sick and warped meaning to my life. Getting away from living with him though, has given me the chance to find some clarity. It has given my son some peace. When I have asked him if he wants daddy to move back in with us, he says NO. He says, "You fight". And he is only 5. He has also told me he doesn't want to be 'a drunk'. This breaks my heart because I should have protected him from seeing a person drinking and being in a drunken state of mind for five years.
I recently told the xabf that things were definitively over. That we don't get along and that things just don't work for us. Having a separate residence has given me time to clarify and identify with myself. It has given me space to forge new friendships and get used to living alone. Although we have been in contact nearly every day, I still can shut him out and not have to put up with his drunken abuse. When he starts texting me crazy stuff, I just block his number, turn on the TV and enjoy my peace of mind.
They have to protect the drink. That is their main love. I could picture my xABF going off to Hawaii and not giving a care about my feelings. When reading through this forum, they all sound the same because they are all coming from a place of protecting their addiction.
Do what you think you have to do. If it means a modified living arrangement, then do it. Life is about change, constant change. If you change your modified arrangement to a permanent one, it will just be that much easier to transition into. ((hugs)) and you can do this.
I was on these boards back in 2012 too and I FINALLY just kicked him out in 2014. :/
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Arizona
Posts: 27
I am so thankful for everyone's response. I am sorry to hear others have the same situation as I. I am planning to do a more detailed post to personally address your responses but I wanted to add a little more information.
I am back and forth as to what to do. I was so sure yesterday that I would set some guidelines and as long as he followed them I would stay and only stay elsewhere when he was drinking. I now may totally move out even though I am scared to do that. I think it is more the thought of the unknown and it really freaked me out when he started telling me if I moved out it would be permanent. I really think he was just trying to scare me as he is a master manipulator and controller. He did say he would stop drinking or would not come home if he was drinking. So far he has drank every night since our talk but has not gotten drunk. Last night he had to be close as he was one drink shy of his usual amount. I do not sit and count his beers generally but on Tuesday nights we go out and I always have to go over the bill because he cannot read it so on those nights I know how many he drinks. He has told me recently that when he is drinking his close up vision gets so bad he cannot read things he normally can.
Anyway this morning our son would not get up when he told him and kept falling back asleep so he went and got snow and put on him. I do not know if he threw it or put it on him but the thing for me is that I feel it is very wrong to do that to your child. He knows how I feel about him putting water on him as we have been through this many times. When I told him to stop he said "you quit it your not helping the situation".
I cannot believe he would do that knowing I am on the verge of leaving and he is going on vacation and is leaving tonight.
I am so conflicted but I am also tired of living this way.
To answer some questions my son is in counseling and I am in counseling as well. I found some Alanon meetings I can attend and will attend my first one tomorrow.
I love him a ton but I cannot deal with all of the ups and downs. I think I can deal with him just not drinking and then he does something like this morning.
Part of my problem is I want peace and contentment with everyone and I am always trying to fix everything. I should have left long ago for my kids sake but I just kept trying to keep the peace in the house. I have been reading some books and working on myself. This has helped me see more clearly how crazy this is and how I have let myself change. I do not like how I feel or react to things.
I recently had to take my son to get him on antidepressants and anxiety meds. That was hard for me because he is only 15 and he should not have to be on these to deal with life. I am just crushed as I have been with my AH half of my life and we had so many plans but I cannot see those happening. It really feels as if the alcohol is what controls everything now. He has changed so much I do not see the same person I married.
I feel so badly that I have not been able to be strong enough to leave before now. I feel myself getting stronger every day but I am not sure if I am strong enough yet.
I came here for support as I have almost none. I feel so alone. I felt I needed some support to be able to do this. I know I have basically been on my own forever but this just seems so final.
I don't know what will happen with him but I cannot keep worrying about him as that is what has kept me here for so long. I know it is best to leave but knowing the loneliness I felt the last time I left has helped keep me here.
I know I will never have the life I want if I stay with him. He doesn't want to achieve any higher goals than we have and that is not me. We had so much more we were supposed to do but now he has stopped dead in his tracks and decided he doesn't want to be any more successful. He doesn't like me spending any money because it is a waste but he can buy whatever he wants. He has a different set of rules for me and the kids than he does for himself. It just feels like a merry go round I cannot seem to get off of.
I will respond to the rest of your messages soon. Thank you so much for all your support it really means the world to me.
I am back and forth as to what to do. I was so sure yesterday that I would set some guidelines and as long as he followed them I would stay and only stay elsewhere when he was drinking. I now may totally move out even though I am scared to do that. I think it is more the thought of the unknown and it really freaked me out when he started telling me if I moved out it would be permanent. I really think he was just trying to scare me as he is a master manipulator and controller. He did say he would stop drinking or would not come home if he was drinking. So far he has drank every night since our talk but has not gotten drunk. Last night he had to be close as he was one drink shy of his usual amount. I do not sit and count his beers generally but on Tuesday nights we go out and I always have to go over the bill because he cannot read it so on those nights I know how many he drinks. He has told me recently that when he is drinking his close up vision gets so bad he cannot read things he normally can.
Anyway this morning our son would not get up when he told him and kept falling back asleep so he went and got snow and put on him. I do not know if he threw it or put it on him but the thing for me is that I feel it is very wrong to do that to your child. He knows how I feel about him putting water on him as we have been through this many times. When I told him to stop he said "you quit it your not helping the situation".
I cannot believe he would do that knowing I am on the verge of leaving and he is going on vacation and is leaving tonight.
I am so conflicted but I am also tired of living this way.
To answer some questions my son is in counseling and I am in counseling as well. I found some Alanon meetings I can attend and will attend my first one tomorrow.
I love him a ton but I cannot deal with all of the ups and downs. I think I can deal with him just not drinking and then he does something like this morning.
Part of my problem is I want peace and contentment with everyone and I am always trying to fix everything. I should have left long ago for my kids sake but I just kept trying to keep the peace in the house. I have been reading some books and working on myself. This has helped me see more clearly how crazy this is and how I have let myself change. I do not like how I feel or react to things.
I recently had to take my son to get him on antidepressants and anxiety meds. That was hard for me because he is only 15 and he should not have to be on these to deal with life. I am just crushed as I have been with my AH half of my life and we had so many plans but I cannot see those happening. It really feels as if the alcohol is what controls everything now. He has changed so much I do not see the same person I married.
I feel so badly that I have not been able to be strong enough to leave before now. I feel myself getting stronger every day but I am not sure if I am strong enough yet.
I came here for support as I have almost none. I feel so alone. I felt I needed some support to be able to do this. I know I have basically been on my own forever but this just seems so final.
I don't know what will happen with him but I cannot keep worrying about him as that is what has kept me here for so long. I know it is best to leave but knowing the loneliness I felt the last time I left has helped keep me here.
I know I will never have the life I want if I stay with him. He doesn't want to achieve any higher goals than we have and that is not me. We had so much more we were supposed to do but now he has stopped dead in his tracks and decided he doesn't want to be any more successful. He doesn't like me spending any money because it is a waste but he can buy whatever he wants. He has a different set of rules for me and the kids than he does for himself. It just feels like a merry go round I cannot seem to get off of.
I will respond to the rest of your messages soon. Thank you so much for all your support it really means the world to me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Hi Sunny, he sounds like a train wreck.
I hope you can find a way to commit to your own recovery.
He is not going to stop, not today, probably not tomorrow.
I'm not going to say much more , it was so painful reading your original post, I saw so much of me in there a couple of years ago.
I've been out of it for quite some time. I'm doing really well.
sending hugs Katie
I hope you can find a way to commit to your own recovery.
He is not going to stop, not today, probably not tomorrow.
I'm not going to say much more , it was so painful reading your original post, I saw so much of me in there a couple of years ago.
I've been out of it for quite some time. I'm doing really well.
sending hugs Katie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Arizona
Posts: 27
Hi Katie and thank you for your response. I am sorry you went though a similar situation but glad to hear you are out of it and doing well. It is nice to hear about people who have gotten out and are doing good.
Hugs to you
Hugs to you
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Originally Posted by sunny34
Hi Katie and thank you for your response. I am sorry you went though a similar situation but glad to hear you are out of it and doing well. It is nice to hear about people who have gotten out and are doing good.
Hugs to you
Hugs to you
Thanks Sunny, I really found a lot of help in the steps, the idea of being powerless and handing it over really helped me in the beginning. I did not do al anon on any regular basis, I worked a lot with a personal counselor. I hope you continue to post here, you might not always like what you hear but we care, a lot.
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