Same Place.... Different Year
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Arizona
Posts: 27
Originally Posted by Eddiebuckle 
Sunny,
You may already be doing this, but it sounds like you need an objective third party to help walk you through your feelings and decisions here. A therapist who specializes in addiction and marriage counseling would probably fit the bill.
Here's the thing: you mention specific incidents or issues ie if he drinks, you will stay elsewhere. So he only has two or three, and you stay. It seems like if he partially addresses your current objection, you acquiesce and he can continue doing what he does. But although it's easy to use specific things to highlight what doesn't work for you, what you are addressing are symptoms as opposed to the disease.
For example: it's not the rings, but rather how much he values the marriage. Putting a new ring on your finger will not fix your relationship. Drinking two beers on a given night doesn't change the fact that he is likely an alcoholic.
You are dealing with a lot of issues simultaneously: his addiction, your marriage, your children's behaviors. This is a tremendous burden to tackle, and as much as SR is filled with experienced and good intentioned people who want to help - you really need more than a website can offer in this case.
Would you consider seeing a therapist?
You may already be doing this, but it sounds like you need an objective third party to help walk you through your feelings and decisions here. A therapist who specializes in addiction and marriage counseling would probably fit the bill.
Here's the thing: you mention specific incidents or issues ie if he drinks, you will stay elsewhere. So he only has two or three, and you stay. It seems like if he partially addresses your current objection, you acquiesce and he can continue doing what he does. But although it's easy to use specific things to highlight what doesn't work for you, what you are addressing are symptoms as opposed to the disease.
For example: it's not the rings, but rather how much he values the marriage. Putting a new ring on your finger will not fix your relationship. Drinking two beers on a given night doesn't change the fact that he is likely an alcoholic.
You are dealing with a lot of issues simultaneously: his addiction, your marriage, your children's behaviors. This is a tremendous burden to tackle, and as much as SR is filled with experienced and good intentioned people who want to help - you really need more than a website can offer in this case.
Would you consider seeing a therapist?
You are also correct that it is not about the rings because it does speak volumes to me about how he sees the marriage and how important it is to him. I also know that it would not fix our marriage it was just one of the latest major issues for me.
As far as stating I will not stay there if he drinks I have not done that as of yet and I was referring to what my tentative plan is. I would leave if he had one drink regardless. And while it is symptoms of the disease he has made it clear to me he does not want to quit and will not get help. I was addressing what I might be able to live with which was not being around him when he is drinking because that is when he acts out the most.
I may now be leaving and not only when he drinks as I am very upset about how he dealt with our son this morning.
I am just looking for support as I sort through my feelings. I know you guys cannot tell me what to do or how to fix my life I just need to feel like I am not all alone. I really appreciate your message and thank you for reaching out to me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Arizona
Posts: 27
Originally Posted by Katiekate
Thanks Sunny, I really found a lot of help in the steps, the idea of being powerless and handing it over really helped me in the beginning. I did not do al anon on any regular basis, I worked a lot with a personal counselor. I hope you continue to post here, you might not always like what you hear but we care, a lot.
It really helps to talk to others. I am looking forward to al anon because I think it will really help me.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Oh Man. Lots of hugs I am very sorry for what you are dealing with. You deserve better.
History of hundreds of thousands of A's proof that your husband will not be able to maintain his drinking "guidelines". There is no moderation of Alcoholism, not for the long haul anyway.
It takes a lot to make big changes. I think your idea to have a place if you need it is great start. Welcome back, I feel that good changes are coming your way.
History of hundreds of thousands of A's proof that your husband will not be able to maintain his drinking "guidelines". There is no moderation of Alcoholism, not for the long haul anyway.
It takes a lot to make big changes. I think your idea to have a place if you need it is great start. Welcome back, I feel that good changes are coming your way.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Sunny,
Thanks for your reply. Please do stay connected here on SR, my point was only that you have an incredible amount of stuff on your plate, and that for all the great advice that happens here, it can be contradictory at times. When I first got sober, I worked with a psychiatrist for a couple of years. It was a place where I could say and talk about things that I wouldn't or couldn't elsewhere. One person who gets the whole picture and is at your disposal when you need her (or him) and can help you sort out what is important to you and how best to navigate it. It did me a world of good, and God knows I needed the guidance.
Hang in there, and though you are not going to Hawaii, in a sense this is a vacation for you without the hassles of planes, trains and automobiles. Take a little time for yourself to recharge - this is a marathon, not a sprint.
Stay in touch, we will all be here for you when you need us!
Thanks for your reply. Please do stay connected here on SR, my point was only that you have an incredible amount of stuff on your plate, and that for all the great advice that happens here, it can be contradictory at times. When I first got sober, I worked with a psychiatrist for a couple of years. It was a place where I could say and talk about things that I wouldn't or couldn't elsewhere. One person who gets the whole picture and is at your disposal when you need her (or him) and can help you sort out what is important to you and how best to navigate it. It did me a world of good, and God knows I needed the guidance.
Hang in there, and though you are not going to Hawaii, in a sense this is a vacation for you without the hassles of planes, trains and automobiles. Take a little time for yourself to recharge - this is a marathon, not a sprint.
Stay in touch, we will all be here for you when you need us!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Arizona
Posts: 27
Sorry I haven't addressed everyone yet as I intended to. I appreciate the responses and they do help. I am still so up in the air.
On one hand I know I need to just move. I mean he didn't even go one day without drinking. I am crazy to even consider not leaving. I mean what will it take for me to quit taking all this crap. I have been at this juncture so many times and I have stayed and looked back saying why didn't I do it and regretting that I didn't leave. I know this is my chance. He gave me the reason and he is gone for a while so I don't understand why I cannot take that leap. Why it seems so final. Why I cannot just grow up and move on? He does not care. He has shown it in so many ways but yet I let myself agonize over this decision. I thought when he left I would jump into overdrive making things happen and work on getting on my feet. Instead I sit here in tears wondering why he doesn't say he misses me or wishes I was there. Truth is he doesn't and that hurts. I know I am just feeling sorry for myself right now and hopefully by tonight I can get my head together.
On one hand I know I need to just move. I mean he didn't even go one day without drinking. I am crazy to even consider not leaving. I mean what will it take for me to quit taking all this crap. I have been at this juncture so many times and I have stayed and looked back saying why didn't I do it and regretting that I didn't leave. I know this is my chance. He gave me the reason and he is gone for a while so I don't understand why I cannot take that leap. Why it seems so final. Why I cannot just grow up and move on? He does not care. He has shown it in so many ways but yet I let myself agonize over this decision. I thought when he left I would jump into overdrive making things happen and work on getting on my feet. Instead I sit here in tears wondering why he doesn't say he misses me or wishes I was there. Truth is he doesn't and that hurts. I know I am just feeling sorry for myself right now and hopefully by tonight I can get my head together.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
Originally Posted by NerdlyBeauty
It's sad that I have to cut contact with half of my son's DNA, but I have to do what's best for me.
It would be much more tragic if my dear, sweet son develops the disease as well, and if I did nothing to quell that.
It would be much more tragic if my dear, sweet son develops the disease as well, and if I did nothing to quell that.
I am trying to think about what I am thinking and why I am deriving at the end results I get. When I find the flaws in my own thinking, I consciously try to correct that specific schema. Our minds are sometimes our own worst enemies. We talk and think all day long. Knowing that actions come from my own schema that developed throughout my life has taught me that it is okay to make mistakes, change my mind and think new ways.
I am seeing the fact that I have stayed so long in this situation much differently these days. I am as flawed (or more) than the actual xABF. I know between right and wrong and still I choose things that are unhealthy for me emotionally. And really that's MY fault and not his. I have perpetuated this disaster of a relationship as much as he has. If I'd have expected better for myself, then I wouldn't be where I am now. Sorry to get all 'psychological'.
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