killerinstinct

As you know the path back to dating has been incredibly wobbly for me... And hasn't worked out in my favour. Grateful for SR team helping me every step of the way. I had an epiphany today.. I've been in this black hole since I met this new guy and couldn't figure out why things started looking so so bleak out of no where. So I prayed about it and the Good lord showed me what my problem was... I totally lost myself in the connection, totally forgot my own interests and desires and instantly this black thick fog lifted which felt great but also made me feel bad, bad because I almost lost myself in another dynamic, almost forgot myself and my son, almost forgot about my future and what I want. I am truly grateful that I had this revelation but I am so so disappointed in myself for letting it get this far, for losing energy on this and for almost falling into another black hole and for almost blaming this guy for the way I am feeling (it's not his fault I'm not guarding my heart!) Addicted lovers aside I am sick in the head to just always lose myself in a relationship with anyone, I am better than this I have so much to live for and I wish I was able to not get so caught up like this... It's the first time I've ever been able to put the breaks on so quickly - ever. Usually I bury myself alive this time I only buried myself halfway thank God. Jesus Christ I am stupid and hate this part of me.. It ruins my day my week my life always ... I only have myself to blame from this point on, I should know better now that I am on a program

LexieCat

You aren't stupid--I was exactly the same way up until my last relationship ended. What I promised myself is that I wouldn't get involved with anyone until I got MYSELF back. I had never gone more than a few months between serious relationships in who knows how long--since I started dating, probably. And even during those troughs between serious relationships I was busy lining up the next one.

I had NO recollection of what I liked when I wasn't trying to be whatever my partner (or whoever I was trying to attract) wanted.

It's been almost ten years, and what I've discovered is that I REALLY enjoy my own company--not having to share my space or answer to anyone. And I like picking movies *I* like, and listening to music *I* enjoy. I can't imagine, right now, how wonderful someone would have to be, to get me to give any of that up.

Now, I'm not saying everyone would want to change their status to "permanently unattached," but you might surprise how much you DO enjoy your own company--once you get past that initial feeling that you need to be half of a couple.

I found it to be a little bit like giving up drinking. At first you feel at loose ends, but once you adjust and embrace a different lifestyle, it can feel really GOOD.

Eauchiche

We should all be happy with ourselves that we don't STAY there. We were smart enough to figure it out.

shelton40

I love this thread. I totally identify. I am happy to be permanently unattached. I wake up everyday to the one person in the whole world who loves me...me. I dont abuse myself with relationships. Life is good.

LemonGirl

Don't be sad! YOU DID IT! You found the moment that spoke to you saying "Hey you! Don't lose yourself again!" It's a muscle that you are flexing, and it is getting stronger. Pat yourself on the back a little hun. Keep the momentum and keep going!

Eddiebuckle

Killer, shame on you for being human. I am kidding of course.

This is what recovery is about - finding what works, where we need to focus our efforts, and moving a little bit further each day towards a healthier, freer future. Dating and romantic relationships are probably the hardest thing to get right - even with the right person. Give yourself some slack and credit for recognizing that there was an issue, you are exactly where you should be.

unsureoffuture

I'm reading a great book right now called "Boundaries in Dating" by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend. It gives great advice on healthy boudaries, what to do and not to do when entering the dating the world. It definitely talk about not losing yourself in your relationships and how to recognize red flags. You are smart to recognize this and it shows how far you have come!!! Good luck.

lizatola

Love all the Boundaries books. Good to know they have one for dating, as well.

Killerinstict, I love the self awareness and growth you are showing here. You may not feel great but I'm sure it's progress from where you were before. Pat yourself on the back and then get on with living for YOU and what you want. Thanks for setting a great example!

NerdlyBeauty

I gotta tell you...when I started dating again, right before my AXBF sabotaged it, I found this site to be very helpful: a new mode — dating tips & relationship advice for women — from fashion & style to lifestyle

Not necessarily for the dating advice, but Sabrina Alexis has great insight on ways to build the best YOU, regardless of your dating situation

NYCDoglvr

It's a process and it takes time. Here's a poem by Portia Nelson

“I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.”

emmireu

I can identify with you so much!

I left my boyfriend and can now see how unhealthy and unstable it was. I can see how I isolated myself and began to lose myself. I then feel so much anger and shame that I let this happen to me. I am smart and I know that I am loved and supported and it still happened.

But I know that leaving I now have the chance to heal and to grow. I have the opportunity to do me again. To be fair, I am really struggling and really emotional, but I know it will get better. Reading posts like this has been so healing and such a comfort to know that I am not alone.