Gracey

My two older kids have been up north for the last few weeks…..I knew that I was going to have to pick them up this weekend…….they were ready to come home and I was ready to go get them…..(visiting grandma, grandpa, and Aunts, Uncles, cousins) They had a blast:

I asked my AH a little over a week ago if he would please come with me to get my kids, I told him that I didn’t want to go by myself……and I thought it would be a good opportunity to spend some quality time together…….and of course he said “yes� I have reminded him a couple of times that it was this Saturday……he says Yea, Yea, Yea! I knew deep down he didn’t want to go, but I was happy to know that he was going to sacrifice his Saturday for me and accompany me…..

Well Friday night came and I said “honey� you need to come to bed if you don’t I know that you wont get up in the morning……to make the trip……he grumbled something…..and then said I will be there in a little bit……It was only 10:30…….so I went to bed……..I heard him finally crawl into bed at 3:30……….I knew that my morning was going to be hell to try to get him up…..

Next morning he of course didn’t want to get up, he didn’t want to go……he said he told me…(I don’t remember this) I told you lastnight I am not getting up till 11…….(I wonder if he mentioned this while I was sound asleep)……the complaining started…….I have a lot to do today……I don’t want to waste my day off driving 4 hours in the car (round trip) on my day off…..there your G*** D***mmmm kids why do I have to go…..I don’t know about you but I would like to accomplish something…..then he says what have you done in the last couple of days…….and then starts going off on how much he did…..and was pretty much saying that I did nothing…..Somewhere in there he called me controlling, bitch…….said he wanted to get the basement finished before overtime came home….(my oldest daughter)…..he said I was making him feel guilty……he said I shouldn’t be mad at him……….

He never went with me……I waited till 11:00……I did let myself get a little upset……. by the things that he said…..(only words right)…….I was very disappointed and I let him know…… It is very hard to not listen………and not get upset……….I did have an attitude…….I told him he was selfish……..I told him the only thing that I regret is that I wasted my last hour with him….hoping that he would go…..when I could be half way to where I want to go……..by now…….

This is how I responded to him….

Hey honey…….I know it is not your fault that I chose to live in a fantasy world again…….you know where the perfect little couple goes somewhere together as a family, enjoys talking to each other……on the way there…….I was even thinking that just maybe we could go out to breakfast …….pick up the kids get hugs and kisses………..spend some time with my parents…..laugh, and have a good time……
Reality:

I knew a week ago he would do this to me and wouldn’t go………and I set myself up for more disappointment……..I knew that he would have a fit……call me names…….do anything he could do get out of it……..I knew that he really didn’t want to go………but I was hoping…and that’s what I get for living in a fantasy and hoping……….

This all just doesn’t seem right…………

Magichappens

(((breec)))
I have had to realize that in a situation like that, I have needs. Sometimes it's just someone to share some time with. In those cases that I know that Mr Magic doesn't want to, I have learned to make new connections. I go to meetings, and use my phone list. I have gotten my needs met, avoided disappointment and not felt like strangling my spouse. When I plan things, I plan to do them alone. I may invite people, but I don't pin my expectations on whether or not they join me. There are many people in my life today that I can count on for certain things. I have to get my needs met, but not all from one person. Wishing things were different doesn't change the way they are. We have to look to make our life as happy as we can, despite the obstacles. Hugs, Magic

journeygal

Hi Breec3,

I agree w/Magic. Look for other, more reliable people to meet certain needs.

You knew from jump that your hubby didn't want to go. Is it wrong to hope that he would? Of course not. But as you pointed out, reality is something very different. Once we accept the way things are, instead of hoping they'll be something different, we no longer set ourselves up for disappointment.

Next time, invite a friend to go with you. Or plan to go by yourself and get a nice book on tape to listen to during the drive.

Hang in there,
JG

Marcinor

breec,

I have been in that same situation what feels like a million times before. He says "yes" only to mean no or my personal favorite was the "maybe" answer, which meant no right away. Either way I was hurt. Now.. I just miss having the psuedo discussion as sick as that sounds.

When I was growing up I wanted to have this perfect world. In my world my husband was handsome, smart, kind, caring, fun and looked like Ben Afleck when he has the goatee. I built a fantasy world and when I was dating I looked for someone to fill that roll. I wanted it so badly that I was/am (cus we are all aware that I'm not done yet) willing to put up with crap. The hardest thing for me has been the realization that I have to come sort of understanding and acceptance of me. I'm a dorky, smart woman who over analyzes everything. I didn't like to spend time with myself so I sought out someone.. anyone please to fill my time so that I didn't have to look at myself. Then.... I meet this man, who not only can not be my fantasy man, he can't even attempt intimacy, so guess what. I'm pissed off at him for being good enough to love but not good enough to fill my void. He can't do it, he just can't and it's not his fault because I'm the one who has the need. I know I had to a. accept that he was incapable of this and b. find out what exactly this void was all about.

Ouch.. it was so much easier blaming it all on him. I know it hurts.. I'm sorry. It's that crazy detachment thing which I'm still trying to understand myself.

Many hugs,

Marci

jessieandme2003

I was just thinking about you today.

I was wondering how you were doing these days.

I looked for a post from you, and found this one.

I started to read and I didn't have to read more than a few lines to know the whole story. I lived it a thousand times. I can only offer you warm affection and genuine wishes for happier times. I know it hurts. It hurts like hell.

Inside you are thinking 'don't I deserve better?' and you do.

That 'fantasy' ride where you stop for breakfast and talk and enjoy the time together is reality for so many others. It just is rarely reality while in a relationship with an alcoholic. They are just to selfish and self-obsessed to offer you that kind of reality.

The best advice I read on here was about finding someone else to be that person in your life. I am sorry, but it is very likely that your husband will not also be your best friend. So find one, and do all those things with that person. That is what I did, and she is the one I look back over the years and have so many memories with.

Yes, the fantasy we all carry around is of the man who can be our lover and our best friend. You are not wrong to dream of that. But you must also face the very hard reality we all had a hard time learning -- you can't change him.

Hang in there.

Karivan

((((breec)))))! This sounds so much like my situation. I know now that my A doesn't fit my perfect husband ideal and I resent him for it. He sits downstairs in his cave...

I know I say his cave in a lot of my posts. Picture a basement with all of the blinds and curtains closed, a big screen tv, a computer and too much furniture and you see his cave. It actually looks like a sports bar. He never comes out of it except to go to bed or work.

Anyway, he sits in his cave and plays computer games and watches tv. He has the tv set situated so he can do both at once. He hasn't drank much in 2 weeks but he doesn't think he has a problem and hasn't attempted to get help so I know it's only a matter of time before he does. He doesn't do anything with me except sometimes I can get him to walk the dogs with me.

I'm learning to do things by myself and make my own friends. It's hard because I don't have any family here but I'm going to need friends in the future when he finally has to leave. So I feel for you so much. hugs