question about money
 

Do your exah ask you for help or for money?

For awhile. I consistently started to say no and took steps to enforce it. Eventually he stopped.

IME with my ex and my brother if you don't consistently say no to people who want help/money - they will never stop asking.

AXH hasn't ever asked me for money. Though he asked a friend who had let him crash at his place after I left for money so he (AXH) could pay child support to me. During that time frame, I never received a single child support payment. When this friend and I started talking again, and he found out, well, to say he was PO'd would be an understatement.

AXH was uncomprehending of our situation enough to show up at my door and ask to borrow my car a couple times, because his wasn't running. 'Ummm, no. Best get that fixed soon.' I also refused to drive him where ever he wanted to go. He stopped asking, but only after he found a GF that let him move in and use her car.

No. He had the six figure job and kept the nice house. And boozed it all away. He apparently has a little shred of dignity left, he's never asked me for money.

Yes, and if I couldn't afford to lose it then I wouldn't send it.

All the time. Like every other week or so FOR ABOUT 5 YEARS. Eventually I just quit carrying cash so I could honestly say I didn't have anything on me.

One of my XAH's many problems is that cash just burns a hole in his pocket, using or not using. If he had a million, he would need a million and a half.

He has a job, a "friend" he has chosen over me and pays child support for two kids with his first wife. We are going to temporary hearing on friday for our two kids. He currently doesn't pay anything for them...NOTHING! At first I thought, "hell no", go ask your new girlfriend for money! Now, after my mind has settled, I feel bad for him. He can't get it together. He says he only has 20.00 to make it another week. I don't know what he does with it but I do know he NEVER budgets. Is this part of the financial mess he needs to learn how to deal with on his own or am I being insensative? Mind you, I could only afford to send 40.00 to him at this time. I don't want to enable either. Hell, I support me and my two kids ALONE! And in addition, he says he is not going to the temp hearing anymore on friday.

This is his issue to figure out. He can figure it out. He's a grown man! You are NOT being insensitive. This part is so cloudy at first, or at least it was for me.

I also came to see that anything I did to help, money or otherwise, enabled his drinking. I was making decisions every day about where I spent my $40. Do I want a phone or do I want to do movie and pizza at home with the kids. I only had one $40 so I had to decide. He never once had to ask himself do I want a case of beer or do I want a phone - because I was paying for the phone.

So I began asking myself the same questions in a different way. Do I want a movie night for my kids - or do I want to pay for my ex husbands phone? Why am I making his sacrifices for him? I did not have a savings account or $$ for emergencies like car repair or medicine if someone got sick. I did not have a lot of things we needed. I wasn't starving but I was living dime to dime. Who was I taking care of? Where is *my* responsibility - it was at home for me and my kids. I had a lot of responsibility and another grown adult wasn't one of them.

You aren't responsible for him. You don't have to make his sacrifices for him.

weezer, stop paying him right away. Let his girlfriend do it. He may have to learn how to budget, and he's not going to do that if there's a fall-back (you).

Wait until after the hearing when all your financials are laid out in black and white. My ex was always pleading poverty and didn't send any child support until I took him to court. They enter both of your incomes into a formula and base it on that. He was prepared to give me thirty dollars a month, and acted like it was a million. He ended up paying $150 a month.
Despite being "too broke" to pay child support (and then whining and b!t@h!ng when he got ordered to) he bought a new car and took a monthlong cross country vacation last fall.
You might feel less sympathy when you realize how much money he is actually frittering away on booze and selfish crap.
If he doesn't go to the hearing they might enter a default judgement against him.

Thumper, thank you. I need to be reminded. I get anxious when things like this arise and I am a wreck at first. I need reminders and time to step back and think it through...sometimes with friends. *smiles*
I do have to pay someone on top of daycare to babysit so I can run, sometimes work late etc...i just started to get my nails done again after 10 yrs...and i feel good about it. I cinched up the budget tighter because I want my girls to see me taking care of me as they one day should too!

Nope, but he does not pay child support either. I would NEVER give him any money.

I guess I decided I have to pick my battles. I would rather do w/out the child support than to have to engage with him even more so than I do now as we have two minor children together.

I have decided that I will plan to support myself and my kids. Any extra that I ever get from him will just be that, extra. I won't count on him at all for anything, including money.

So far this is working. Luckily I have a decent job and a low house payment so I can support us at this point w/out any $ from him.

Stop the handouts Weezer. That is enabling.

I agree that he is no longer your problem. His not being able to get it together is not your fault, or your concern.

Let the new GF support his miserable butt. You take care of yourself and your kids.

Mine has never asked me for any money and he always paid his share of living expenses, bills, food etc.

In fact the only money he has ever “wasted” was on drugs/alcohol. The last run he spent over $5000 in four day time frame and it was all his money.

He has never used any of my money or stole from me to get money for his drug use. He always leaves just enough to get him out of the jackpot. That can range from enough for rent and expenses for the month to a motel room for the day.

He knows what he is doing!

We are separated now and he still has never asked me for money and I don’t expect him to.

Now the three alcoholics I married and dated before him, yes. (I know, I KNOW!)

They were always crying poor and they took more money from the household then they ever contributed. One due to back child support and the others had half their paychecks going to bar tabs every week.

Of course all three of them blamed me for their poverty lifestyle. One is now dead from alcoholism. Number two still drinks like a fish and makes horrible decisions with is money and the third lives in a boarding house about a bar.

I am so glad I am not responsible (the scapegoat) for their lack of being responsible grown men.

Yes! I spent so much time painstakingly thinking every situation through that first 18mos or so. I had to think every single thing through to see if xyz was in my hoola hoop or someone elses, if it was my emotion or if I was taking on someone elses, if it was my responsibility or someone elses, if it was my problem or not, if I had any business finding a solution or not, etc. etc. None of it came naturally and none of it felt all that great at first either.

Think it all through, come here for feedback and support. Come up with a list of questions that you can mentally go through each time you are feeling anxious about a situation. Over time it really works.

This was very helpful in almost every relationship but boy was it vital/difficult in separating from my husband. I had a counselor. I really recommend one.

I had steadfast and rigid boundaries that limited true intimacy in many ways. I'm also fiercely independent. I am not afraid of being alone, I have my own income, etc. It wasn't those things keeping me stuck. Yet I was completely enmeshed with my husband on an emotional level. I had no boundaries at all to distinguish self from the relationship from him.

One time shortly before he moved out but after I had filed for divorce (he went completely off the rails after that) he had spent all night (about 5 hours) ranting and raving at me, tearing things up, and throwing things around. I bet I didn't say 10 words the entire time. He took off at about 2-3am (to get more beer - he came back) and I sat at the window and cried like the world was ending as he pulled out. But I was crying for him, not me. In that moment it hit me - I had a whole lot of problems of my own to work on because that was just nuts. I was so lost and confused. I had no ability to even know what I was feeling on my own behalf. When he felt anxious and afraid for whatever reason - I felt anxious and afraid. I'd feel panicked, an actual physical pull in my body, to fix it even at the detriment of myself. This is enmeshment.

If I had any sense at all I would have called the cops and got him out of there. I lived through it, and understand it, and I still can't believe that I could be that confused and unclear but we don't have to stay in that fog!

^^ I don't really see anything that extreme in your posts but maybe someone else reading will get something out of it :)

I'm so glad to hear you are taking care of yourself!!

Mine took my debit card over the weekend, went to get beer, then tried to convince me I went out and bought the beer, because it was a good, local brew and not the normal PBR he drinks. Ah, excuse me a-hole, but I was asleep. And I don't drink to help YOU not drink. Nothing ever worked, ever. As the kids say..."good-bye, felicia"!

OMG I am dying here!:lmao

He tried to convince you that YOU bought the beer!!! Now, that's a new one!

I keep hearing, "let the girlfriend give him the money." ... yikes, I'm one of the girlfriends (actually an x or somewhere in between). I am so worried about him asking He's tried and I always say "NO". Then, he goes to his XW (and they have a child together)and she gives it to him. I know it stresses her and as I observe this scenario, I see that I don't want to be in this position ever.

My condition, if we move forward, is not only to get in a program and get sober (and he knows this), but (and I haven't said this to him) also to never ask me for money. I've never borrowed money from others. I don't believe in asking others for money, even if you are a couple.

I agree with ladyscribbler -- wait till the hearing and see what the court determines. If you believed my ex, he didn't have two pennies to rub together for warmth -- and still, somehow, he manages to go on vacations and such. Don't get sucked into his "poor me" routine -- you have yourself and your kids to take care of. I'm assuming he has two arms and two legs; that should mean he should be able to get a job somewhere.

Absolutely, positively, take him to court for child support. Not sure where you live, but here in MA you can apply online, and when you go to court, a clerk figures out what he will pay based on his income. You don't even need to see the judge unless you want to alter the order. Then the DOR will go after him if he doesn't pay, and will garnish his wages if necessary, even if he is collecting unemployment.

Taking my EXABD was one of the best decisions I ever made...and we were getting along at the time! :)