pattyj

I asked this in a few other places on this site and have gotten some great answers but I wanted to ask it here as well.
Has anyone, I'm sure there are many, ever told a close family member that they can no longer see them when they are drunk?
I have my own issues and have decided that I cannot be around my mom when she drinks. I do go to therapy and will start al-anon soon, hopefully this next week.
I just wanted to see how you started the conversation, in person or in writing. How it turned out and affected you and your family.
Thanks!

hopeful4

Yes, I have done so. It was my X husband. I first told him that he could not be at home if he was drinking. He would sometimes stay at his sisters or whatever. Then that became an issue b/c I did not want him to drink and drive, so I would take my kids and stay away from the house. It ended up in divorce I am sorry to say.

I did what my counselor advised. I sat down and had a very honest conversation about how I feel when he drinks. I kept it focused on I statements. I also told him the consequence, that if it continued we would not be able to be together. Then I shut up. That is when I knew it was serious. I said it one time, and then followed through with my boundaries and actions.

Before when I had begged, pleaded, all the codie behaviours, it was not real in that my boundaries were not enforced by me. This time, I knew in my own head what I had to have to have a sane and happy life, and was prepared to deal with whatever came my way to get there.

Have you sought out the help of a counselor who helps families with addiction? You may want to do so, it really helped me handle these things much better than I could have on my own.

Good luck to you!

Recovering2

I had to completely detach from my brother. I couldn't be around him, he was an ugly drunk. I always ended up stressed out, hurt, worried, etc. I finally called him one day while he was sober. I told him I loved him, but I was stepping out of his life as long as he was drinking. I told him I was doing it for my own health. I also told him if he ever decided to find recovery, I would be there for him. But until then, this was my decision.

It was really hard to do, my parents (who are his best enablers) weren't happy with me. But it was the right decision. I detached and let him lead his own life without compromising mine. The best part was I didn't get angry with him anymore. I didn't expect that to happen, but I think that helped both of us.

Eauchiche

Members of my FOO are not obviously drunks, but I can see where they don't have to be for me to need to detach from them. There is enough craziness there solely because I am the only member of the family in recovery.

Stung

Well, this is one of my boundaries with my husband. He cannot be around me, in my home or around our children if he has been drinking. But he also acknowledges that he's an alcoholic.

When situations like this have occurred in the past, I've just told him that when he's drunk it creates an unhealthy environment for me and I just cannot be around him when he's like that. I don't really care if that means I need to remove myself or he needs to remove himself from wherever we are, but I will not be around him if he's been drinking. Doesn't mean that I don't love him, or that I don't care about him - I just happen to care about me too and it's no one else's responsibility but mine to make sure that I'm in a healthy environment where I feel comfortable.

Turtle82

May I suggest that you not cross any boundaries if you decide to detach? You don't like yours crossed and no one else does either. I have done it and I made sure I expressed my love firtst. Then, I didn't say I wasn't going to see them if they continued drinking. That's laying down a gauntlet in front of an alcoholic... smacks of trying to tell them what to do via emotional blackmail. I said it was too painful for me to watch them hurting themselves and I needed to lower my involvement. And, after saying that, I didn't discuss it further saying I wasn't in any shape to continue talking about it if they tried to engage me. (I didn't say this but between us continuing to talk about something so touchy can escalate to arguing and pain on both sides which is counter-productive so just not a good idea to keep talking.) Just be mindful that words can both harm and heal and try to choose them carefully.

NWGRITS

I would refuse to see or talk to my mother if she was drinking, and she knew because I'd tell her, "You've been drinking and that's unacceptable for me." Or I'd just hang up (she never remembered talking to me, anyway). I haven't seen or talked to her in... almost three years now.

FeelingGreat

pattyj, my sister was that most boring of people, the drunk caller. I would avoid answering the phone if I saw it was her.

You have a perfect right to keep your distance from a drunk person. You can explain why when they're sober, and then follow through consistently. If they are sober, reward them by spending time or having a chat.

GracieLou

I have went no contact with my mother and she does not even drink, she is a narcissist and because of that she is toxic to me and any relationship we have becomes toxic.

It is better for me to not have her in my life. I only get one and I won't have it filled with hate, resentment, anger, manipulation, guilt trips and silent treatments.

The person I want to be does not have that in her life and the only way not to have that was to remove her from it.

You have the right to remove anyone from your life whether that is for an hour, a day or a lifetime that does you emotional or physical harm. You are worth more than that to us and to yourself.

Florence

Agreed with everything here. For me the boundary is, "I will not (be around so and so/put myself in an environment where I feel stressed out and uncomfortable and triggered) that is related to drug and alcohol abuse." The onus is on me to decide what makes me feel good/bad and then to remove myself from the situation if necessary. I don't have to tell anyone or make an announcement about the boundary. Boundaries are for me.

Hangnbyathread

Excellent post GracieLou!!!

I have had to shut down my brother in my life. Did it years before they rest of the family figured him out. Now my family looks towards me as the "strength" in our family. It isn't that I am stronger, I just get away from the "crap" quicker than the rest do.

pattyj

These are great stories and advice! Thank you for all of the responses. I am in therapy and will be going in a week or so for an appointment to discuss this. After that I will go talk to my mother. I have been sober for almost two years and it took almost that long for me to figure myself out and to be okay with never drinking again. I am now healthy enough to deal with everything around me. The main thing being my mom. Alcoholics are not supposed to be around those who hinder their sobriety. My mom knows she does but still drinks. I now have the courage to tell her straight up that I will not be around her when she is drinking or already drunk. You are right that this is my life, I only have one, and should be able to live it without physical and emotional harm. Perhaps my family will follow suit but even if they don't I have a backbone now to stand up for myself and what I will and will not allow into my life.

Bern

Yes, I had to do that with my sister years ago. She is currently sober and living in a recovery house and our relationship is better than it has been in years (although I still need to consciously maintain boundaries so I don't fall into all her "stuff" and start thinking it's mine again )

Sadly, I think it's time for me to do this with my dad. That one will be tougher.

DoubleDragons

I tried to do this with my parents (mom's an alcoholic, dad is a heavy drinker) with disastrous results. They became like petulant children making a point that no one would control them or their drinking. Unfortunately, I wasn't strong enough to hold my boundary as it was obvious they would pick drinking over me, and I wasn't ready to lose them from my life. Now, if my mom is obviously drunk we leave the venue or situation or don't go, but otherwise if they are containing themselves, we will visit with them. It is such a tough problem. I understand your situation and totally empathize.

pattyj

Thanks DoubleDragons. I hope my mom realizes that I don't want to control her drinking, she is free to drink as much as she likes, I just won't be there to see it. I am sure that is what you meant to your parents. It's not about controlling them, it's about setting boundaries for yourself and not being present for the harm they are doing to themselves. I feel that my mom will definitely pick drinking over me as she wants to drink on vacations and at family gatherings. Which is fine with me, I just won't go. I have had many, many sleepless nights already thinking about what to say to her. I think it just needs to be authentic and whatever the outcome is it will have to be. Maybe it will turn out for the best on her side but I doubt it.

Turtle82

In staying authentic, we often have to make choices. Are we angry? Do we love? Do we believe in "do no harm?" Aren't we trying to "do no harm" to ourselves in our choices? Will we feel shame or guilt if we express even justified anger later on? Would that accomplish anything? How about if we only express love?

pattyj

Good questions Turtle. If only we had all of the answers...

atalose

For me I allowed my actions to speak louder than my words. It was my dad who was the drinker and I could only go over there during the day when he wasn’t drinking.

I stopped going over there in the evenings or on the weekends. It was my mother who noticed it long before my father ever did.

Once he got wind of why I was doing what I was doing, denial and anger set it – but that was expected, I wasn't surprised.

I did have a face to face with him, again when I knew he had not been drinking and I spoke softly but directly to the point then said I had to go. I didn’t give him the chance to argue or fight about it.

About a month or so later it was my mother’s birthday on a Saturday and he wanted me to bring my kids over for dinner and cake and he actually said to me, I will not be drinking so don’t worry. And he didn’t, not prior to our arrival or while we were there.

For me the key was to begin the detaching part long before I had to speak any words.