the process... ??
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 64
the process... ??
My husband quit drinking on NYE, and promptly had his second or third seizure. He had said he would quit in 2014, and I also gave him an ultimatum in December. We already live apart, but like boyfriend and girlfriend. I had moved out bc of his drinking.
He got 12 days sober. During that time, he was cold, but polite, and very quiet, and had no interest in sex. Last time he tried to quit (in July), he was the same way. I believed, and told him I was ready to deal with the personality change, and begged him to go for it.
However, the change in behavior has been too hard to take. Suddenly, I'm not comfortable around him, and he was criticizing me, not grateful for my support, and resentful of the fact I smoke weed.
I'm an addict who is clean from narcotics, very few, short relapses. Weed has some negative effects but it also has positive effects on me. I am never wasted, fully functional, and only at risk for emphysema. Weed helps me eat and remain calm.
After a hellish, narcotics fueled Christmas with my addict mother, and having not smoked while with my family, I came back to Brooklyn needing self care and peace. Instead, my formerly drunk husband landed in the ER.
It finally came out last night that he's irate that I'm still smoking. He takes it as a direct insult abd affront to his efforts. He does not smoke. He's claiming that I promised to quit after him abd "he's done his part." I may have said I need to quit or cut down eventually, but I did not make that "deal," & never would.
I told him my business is mine and his is his. I said to go to nar-anon if you're struggling with accepting my habits. I've been going for years. We're supposed to take care of ourselves, first and foremost. I said I reject the ultimatum because it was made for selfish reasons, he never minded me smoking before, and doesn't mind anyone else smoking. He's just mad that he can't drink. But I don't want our recoveries to be for each other. He's saying he quit for me, and that's not even true.
So, he dumped me, via text, in the rudest way.
Angry. Hurt.
He got 12 days sober. During that time, he was cold, but polite, and very quiet, and had no interest in sex. Last time he tried to quit (in July), he was the same way. I believed, and told him I was ready to deal with the personality change, and begged him to go for it.
However, the change in behavior has been too hard to take. Suddenly, I'm not comfortable around him, and he was criticizing me, not grateful for my support, and resentful of the fact I smoke weed.
I'm an addict who is clean from narcotics, very few, short relapses. Weed has some negative effects but it also has positive effects on me. I am never wasted, fully functional, and only at risk for emphysema. Weed helps me eat and remain calm.
After a hellish, narcotics fueled Christmas with my addict mother, and having not smoked while with my family, I came back to Brooklyn needing self care and peace. Instead, my formerly drunk husband landed in the ER.
It finally came out last night that he's irate that I'm still smoking. He takes it as a direct insult abd affront to his efforts. He does not smoke. He's claiming that I promised to quit after him abd "he's done his part." I may have said I need to quit or cut down eventually, but I did not make that "deal," & never would.
I told him my business is mine and his is his. I said to go to nar-anon if you're struggling with accepting my habits. I've been going for years. We're supposed to take care of ourselves, first and foremost. I said I reject the ultimatum because it was made for selfish reasons, he never minded me smoking before, and doesn't mind anyone else smoking. He's just mad that he can't drink. But I don't want our recoveries to be for each other. He's saying he quit for me, and that's not even true.
So, he dumped me, via text, in the rudest way.
Angry. Hurt.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
It could be a very normal addict defensive response: "Why should I stop doing X when you're still doing Y? You stop doing Y, and then I'll stop doing X. You just think you're superior to me because you think Y is a more acceptable drug than X."
So there's that.
On the other hand... You may not feel like your weed smoking is affecting you or your relationship negatively -- but it could be true that your husband thinks it does. You could be minimizing the effects of your weed smoking just like he could be minimizing the effects of his drinking.
I think he's probably truthful when he says he quit for you. Which means he has no internal motivation. Which means -- in my experience -- that staying sober is going to be pretty difficult for him.
Then where are you?
He doesn't want to quit drinking -- and you insist you want him to in order to stay married.
You don't want to stop smoking weed -- and he insists he wants you to.
To me it looks like you both have a drug of choice that you're choosing over your partner. And that you're both focusing on the other person's drug use rather than your own. I'm not sure I would know what to do with that?
So there's that.
On the other hand... You may not feel like your weed smoking is affecting you or your relationship negatively -- but it could be true that your husband thinks it does. You could be minimizing the effects of your weed smoking just like he could be minimizing the effects of his drinking.
I think he's probably truthful when he says he quit for you. Which means he has no internal motivation. Which means -- in my experience -- that staying sober is going to be pretty difficult for him.
Then where are you?
He doesn't want to quit drinking -- and you insist you want him to in order to stay married.
You don't want to stop smoking weed -- and he insists he wants you to.
To me it looks like you both have a drug of choice that you're choosing over your partner. And that you're both focusing on the other person's drug use rather than your own. I'm not sure I would know what to do with that?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 64
I really do not believe my smoking is affecting our relationship negatively. It's the principal that's bothering him. I am chatty and affectionate, with or without weed. It just helps me eat and manage anxiety, and I don't have a real reason to quit. He did, or does. It's life or death for him. It's really his choice. And mine is mine, and my habit is not causing a crisis. I have the right to stay cool and calm, esp when my husband doesn't like me anymore. It is not the time for me to have panic attacks. I just started a new job and don't wanna rock my chemical boat, which includes other depression and anxiety meds, as well. He is also negative about these meds. Is he a ******* idiot?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 64
Sorry, one more thing... The reason I said it's not true that he quit for me is that I was encouraging him to quit for a year and a half... He always refused, or lied. I thought that he finally went for it because he wanted to quit when he turned 40, this year, 2014. And because he's unemployed, and wants to work. I really don't think he worries about losing me that much.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
His choices are his, and yours are yours -- I totally agree with you there.
I guess what I'm saying is -- it seems you're kind of stuck. He doesn't really want to quit drinking, he did because you set an ultimatum. And that's his right. Just like he can say "if you want to stay married to me, you have to quit smoking weed."
His ultimatum might not make sense to you. Yours might not make sense to him. But it sounds like you're wanting him to quit drinking while accepting your weed smoking?
I think your bottom line idea is really sound: He's responsible for him; you're responsible for you. What I'm wondering is if you've dug yourselves into positions so deeply that walking away from the relationship might be the healthiest thing? I'm not suggesting that, I'm just wondering? If he can't live with your weed smoking and you can't live with his drinking, and neither one of you wants to give it up -- then I'd say the logical conclusion would be maybe you shouldn't be together?
I guess what I'm saying is -- it seems you're kind of stuck. He doesn't really want to quit drinking, he did because you set an ultimatum. And that's his right. Just like he can say "if you want to stay married to me, you have to quit smoking weed."
His ultimatum might not make sense to you. Yours might not make sense to him. But it sounds like you're wanting him to quit drinking while accepting your weed smoking?
I think your bottom line idea is really sound: He's responsible for him; you're responsible for you. What I'm wondering is if you've dug yourselves into positions so deeply that walking away from the relationship might be the healthiest thing? I'm not suggesting that, I'm just wondering? If he can't live with your weed smoking and you can't live with his drinking, and neither one of you wants to give it up -- then I'd say the logical conclusion would be maybe you shouldn't be together?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
He doesn't want to quit drinking -- and you insist you want him to in order to stay married.
You don't want to stop smoking weed -- and he insists he wants you to.
To me it looks like you both have a drug of choice that you're choosing over your partner. And that you're both focusing on the other person's drug use rather than your own. I'm not sure I would know what to do with that?
You don't want to stop smoking weed -- and he insists he wants you to.
To me it looks like you both have a drug of choice that you're choosing over your partner. And that you're both focusing on the other person's drug use rather than your own. I'm not sure I would know what to do with that?
To me, if your partner thinks your drug use is a problem for him, it's a problem in your marriage, whether you think it's legitimate or not. Same as for you and his drinking habits.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 64
Yeah, I think you're right for now. I can't help him more, and he didn't appreciate me keeping things together while he was in the hospital, anyways. He does not appreciate or understand me. **** him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 64
Yeah, I think you're right for now. I can't help him more, and he didn't appreciate me keeping things together while he was in the hospital, anyways. He does not appreciate or understand me. **** him
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 64
Of course I'm sick, I thought that's why we are here? But I think you're right for now. I can't help him more, and he didn't appreciate me keeping things together while he was in the hospital, anyways. He does not appreciate or understand me. **** him
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 64
So, I'm just single then. That is wonderful. Of course I'm sick though! Why would you even point that out? But you're right, now we're incompatible, so that's the main point. Sorry for the double postings, etc.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Faith444 
Well, maybe you gals and guys are right. Once again, I walk away from this forum feeling like ****. I'm never coming back here.
Listen, I actually fully support marijuana as a medical treatment & can totally understand how it is helpful for anxiety & a lot of other types of pain management. I've actually been watching/reading a lot of documentaries about stuff like this because I've never seen it as a black/white issue. I joked with RAH last night that I'm considering moving to CO & starting my career over as a Medical Marijuana Grower/Advocate.
But I'm not in your relationship, so I can't speak to whether it is affecting it negatively. He certainly seems to think so & may have a legit point or he's just hurling crap at you to make you feel badly.
So your options are to:
1. Continue doing what you do & know that this is possibly a good-sized wedge between you.
2. Try quitting FOR YOU because you want to remove this wedge & put 100% into the relationship & see if things change or if he just finds a new excuse to shift the blame.
3. Quit the relationship.
What do YOU want?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I have a feeling you misread lillamy's post. She said: I guess what I'm saying is -- it seems you're kind of stuck. STUCK, not SICK.
I think she's a hundred percent right--you are at an impasse, and neither one of you wants to acknowledge the possibility that the other has a point. The POSSIBILITY, I said. You are rejecting out of hand the possibility that your getting high is negatively affecting your relationship. As a recovered alcoholic, I know that my perceptions of whether or how my drinking affected my relationships was inaccurate, at best.
But you both have choices--it just seems like you are both determined to make the other one walk away so you can be "right." I get it--I used to want to be right more than anything in the world. What I've learned, though, is to ask myself whether I'd rather be right or be happy. Sometimes that puts a whole different spin on things.
I think she's a hundred percent right--you are at an impasse, and neither one of you wants to acknowledge the possibility that the other has a point. The POSSIBILITY, I said. You are rejecting out of hand the possibility that your getting high is negatively affecting your relationship. As a recovered alcoholic, I know that my perceptions of whether or how my drinking affected my relationships was inaccurate, at best.
But you both have choices--it just seems like you are both determined to make the other one walk away so you can be "right." I get it--I used to want to be right more than anything in the world. What I've learned, though, is to ask myself whether I'd rather be right or be happy. Sometimes that puts a whole different spin on things.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
