spedteach

I'm noticing that the changes I've made for myself and how I'm living my life are harder for some others around me to accept.

I've always been a peace keeper, if things get bad with others, I have been the first to smooth them over and try to make things better. Well, I have a situation with a couple of family members, that I've handled the situation VERY differently with.

Long story short, last Feb, we (AH and I) had a disagreement with his brother and wife during a crisis. I was informed that my SIL will NOT speak to me until I apologize....I have nothing to apologize for, it was a crisis and I do not expect one either. I have tried over the last several months to reach out in a variety of ways....finally I had said I was done, ball is in their court. Interestingly enough, another family member has reached out to me to say I NEED to reach out to them AGAIN and keep trying. I expressed that I have done EVERYTHING in my power, they don't seem to want it resolved and so on. We had a family function and there was a big speech given about how family is all that matters, what's important and we need to let bygones be bygones. I didn't comment on that at all, not appropriate time nor place. The day after the family function (the 2 who will not speak to us didn't attend), I get yet another message saying one of the people is having a health crisis and they NEED me to be there for them.

Here's my concerns: 1. emotionally, I cannot and will not continue to put myself out there with people who truthfully do not seem to care or respond. 2. These are people who knew exactly what was going on in my life (and things only went downhill from there during 2014) and they made the choice to leave my life when I was in the middle of a very stressful, tough time so that speaks volumes to me. 3. I'm trying to live and let live, but I do not appreciate that it's being put on ME to make the changes and reach out yet again, but it's perfectly acceptable that the other 2 have made no efforts or show that they plan to make efforts.

Why is my changes for ME so hard for others??? Why is taking care of ME hard for others to accept? Oh, because it makes them a little more uncomfortable and there's one less doormat in the world right?

Refiner

Yep! I had the same thing for YEARS with my Mom telling me to "be the bigger person" and reach out to my horribly toxic, nasty, NPD A sister for YEARS. Well, Mom passed away 5 years ago and I am JUST NOW able to go completely NO CONTACT. It took that long to "wean" me off her dysfunction and get my head on straight. If you get to a point that you absolutely feel compelled to "reach out" to whever it is in current crisis, I'd do it in a fashion where they don't even have to respond. Just maybe text them and say "I heard xyz and just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about your!" or something like that. OR... just go along your business and don't do anything, LOL.

lillamy

When people pleasers stop pleasing people, people aren't pleased.

(Someone here gave me that quote. And it's true.)

hopeful4

^^^ That 100%

FireSprite

Yep, you changed the dynamic by standing up for yourself in this way. I was really shocked at how others took my recovery so personally, it was a good lesson in a lot of unplanned ways. I got a lot of backlash from people I expected to be supportive...... which also led to a better understanding of how I have expectations of others that I may not even realize.

lillamy

I have a similar dynamic in my FOO. I don't get along with my sister -- largely because she's always been the one who can get away with whatever behavior because reasons.

My parents invited me and my family to spend time with them at their cabin in the mountains. And then last minute, my mom tells me she has also invited my sister. "Because you two need to be friends, and I want you to get along."

In the past, I would have bent over backwards to make my mom happy. This time, I simply told her with my sister there, it wouldn't be a vacation for me, so my family wouldn't be coming.

So now the FOO rumor is that I'm going through a midlife crisis because I was always so nice and I've turned into a full-fledged witch. It's OK. I'm going to send them Christmas cards of me on my broom next year.

hopeful4

LOL lillamy.....my X's family all say how they cannot believe how much I have changed. They all thought I was nicer and more caring than this. HAHA.

Whatever.....I don't even pay any attention to it!

FireSprite

At first even *I* felt like a witch when I enforced my boundaries with others. Yeah, not any longer - that was a short-lived stage.

POAndrea

It's been my experience that a lot of folks measure "nice" not by how caring and kind someone is, but by how much of their $h!t that person is willing to eat.

lillamy

What's that story about the bear and the rabbit again? Hammer?

LemonGirl

I have learned that since I have been the people pleaser with everyone in my life, I am usually automatically expected to continue that role. And when I say no, others get angry. They don't understand it. I literally trained them to believe that is who I am. And additionally, when they get upset, that is the exact reaction that kept me from saying NO all those other times. I was afraid of others' anger or that I wouldn't be accepted. I am now learning that it is okay to say NO and have boundaries, and it doesn't matter if others are angry over it. Really, that's their problem.

Last year my Uncle reached out to me to join in an intervention for my real dad. I haven't spoken to him in years (abusive alcoholic and drug addict (meth)). So I told my Uncle that I was sorry, but I couldn't attend, but that I wished the best for my dad. That ship had sailed.
Some years ago, my Aunt had cancer and didn't reach out to my mom and others in the family. But she felt hurt that no-one came to her. Now, two years ago when my mom lost her husband to cancer, that same Aunt would not reach out to her, nor did my mom ask her for her support. They are both holding unnecessary grudges. One of them will have to reach out in order to fix that.... You might try letting go of the anger, reaching out to them one last time, but give them time to reach back out to you leaving that door open. But that's up to you...

AnvilheadII

in dysfunctional "family" dynamics, everyone takes on a ROLE and the RULES are nobody gets to CHANGE ever. all parties are enmeshed and DEPENDENT upon the others - like an assembly line, where everything has to happen in a certain order and a certain way in order for the "machine" to keep cranking out the "product".

what you are experiencing is known as CHANGE BACK behaviors.....they are doing everything in their power to get you back into your ROLE and thus keep the status quo. don't rock the boat. don't TALK about the damn elephant.

they may NEVER accept your changes. or they may, but over time. just remember you are changing for YOU, not for THEM. and so how they react is all theirs to own. they don't HAVE to like it, or appreciate it or approve of it. in fact this is about no longer SEEKING approval.

you're doing well!

Stung

OMG!!! This has been the story of my life between me and my younger brother. Once I moved out of my mom's house when I was 18 I started sticking to my guns and saying a lot of "NO" responses. It's not once been well received. In fact, this is the reason why my mom has told me on several occasions that I've ruined her life. Apparently ALL she has ever wanted in life is to "have children who are best friends". Can you say codie? Why the heck would my relationship with anyone make or break her day let alone life?

Hi, I'm Stung and I'm from a dysfunctional family.

P.S. I love your x-mas card idea!!!! Hilarious! And very creative!

Eauchiche

My mother in law has recently gotten very attentive and communicative. I believe she misses me, as I do her, but the OTHER reason is she is obviously interested in seeing me reunite with junior. Junior, meanwhile, has bent over backwards in word and deed to show me he couldn't care less.

My FOO, meanwhile, was shocked to hear me speak my mind over Thanksgiving weekend and we have little contact now.

I am surprised how quickly this program has changed my "fit" into formerly comfortable roles.

NWGRITS

I'm just going to nod my head here because I'm No Contact with the majority of my FOO. Growing a backbone is simply unacceptable in codie families.

But for your amusement, meet Bridget: The Unmarried Daughter. http://www.buzzfeed.com/johnc4197e36...16imt?s=mobile

GracieLou

Because the scapegoat is gone.

Not only don't they want to change and become in control of their own lives and actions, they don't want the responsibility of doing so.

It is much easier to let someone else do all the work AND have someone to blame if it does not work out they way THEY wanted it to.

It is all about them. Take away their crutch and they fall like domino's or they don't. It is also a wake up call for ourselves when we see how much or how little our efforts affected others.

In some cases they so fall and if that happens it should be their wake up call to get up, take action and be responsible. If they don't, then it is a wake up call for ourselves that we did not have as much control as we thought we did and that is a good lesson as well. We only caused ourselves unwarranted grief.

I am NC with my mother and a my extended family and I can tell you that I don't miss them or the drama even a little.

Not sure if you have heard of the whirling dervishes. It is in the acceptance pamphlet for AA.

"An old Arab, whose tent was pitched next to a company of whirling dervishes was asked,
'Don't they bother you?'
'No!'
'What do you do about them?'
'I let 'em whirl.'
I caused myself a lot of unnecessary grief by trying to be 'unselfish', to think of everybody else first, myself last, and to try and please everybody. But you can't please everybody. You can knock yourself out doing this and you find out that they are not really affected one way or the other. Please everybody, nobody's pleased. Please yourself and at least you're pleased. Charity begins at home and enlightened self-interest is a basic endowment of human nature. You can save yourself a lot of grief by admitting the futility of trying to please everybody, or of trying to please somebody who just can't be pleased."

spedteach

Thanks for all of the responses... It's good to know that it's not just me who has experienced similar reactions.

When this family member first asked me to reach out to them, I DID make a call to my BIL and left him a generic voicemail. And then I promptly yelled at myself and promised myself NO MORE. And I have stuck by that, even with the continual encouragement (badgering?) from the other family member. Right now, I'm NOT going to reach out and continue to try. The ball is in their court, if they don't want to reach out to me, oh well, that's their choice. The hardest part is that the other family member almost wants to make me feel guilty as my SIL, it appears, may have been diagnosed with a form of cancer. And while that's completely awful and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, it's still NOT my fault that they are behaving the way they are and NOT my fault or my job to fix things they are unwilling to work with me on!

I believe they now think that the longer they do not reach out, the more likely it is that I will reach out again. It's sad to say, but I'm not going to. Just working and focusing on me and my needs, desires, wants and what I can control!

Thanks again!

MIRecovery

One of my favorite lines.

Not my circus not my monkeys

When we look in the mirror and know our side of the street is clean that is the best we can do

kudzujean

This one's a keeper!