Ideas for boundaries?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Quincy, IL
Posts: 91
Allforcnm- thank you so much for your post! On the situation of driving him to work: he would probably have had a car before we were together had it not been for his DUI's, and I think it would be nice to have two vehicles, so when he goes to work at 6 am, me and DD don't have to get out, especially when I don't go in until later.
I really love your idea of boundaries with communication. I personally don't want our marriage to end unless it's necessary. I will not expose my daughter to the kind of behaviors I've seen from him in the past(he's fallen down stairs, fallen back while peeing and busted his head on the bathtub-given most of the times he's been beyond comprehension has been drinking in combination with pain pills that his mommy used to hand out like candy).
I am usually pretty affectionate to him when he's sober, and when he's drinking I just go play with DD or something else, so I think he gets that I don't like it...maybe.
Oh, he broke my boundary last night, though. I don't know if he had anything to drink, but he snuck into bed way late. He was up playing video games until idk how long, and we have a memory foam bed, so I didn't feel him get in bed
I really love your idea of boundaries with communication. I personally don't want our marriage to end unless it's necessary. I will not expose my daughter to the kind of behaviors I've seen from him in the past(he's fallen down stairs, fallen back while peeing and busted his head on the bathtub-given most of the times he's been beyond comprehension has been drinking in combination with pain pills that his mommy used to hand out like candy).
I am usually pretty affectionate to him when he's sober, and when he's drinking I just go play with DD or something else, so I think he gets that I don't like it...maybe.
Oh, he broke my boundary last night, though. I don't know if he had anything to drink, but he snuck into bed way late. He was up playing video games until idk how long, and we have a memory foam bed, so I didn't feel him get in bed
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Quincy, IL
Posts: 91
Triggers-my alanon books are 'One Day at a Time in Alanon' and 'Courage to Change'. There was a really good one about boundaries in mine a couple days ago, I'm pretty excited for alanon tonight so I can share some(I only shared a tiny bit my first meeting and it's been two weeks(babysitting and frigid temp issues) so I'm busting at the seams now.)!! Thank you!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by sauerkraut 
Firesprite,
How did you get your husband to agree to move out? I have the same boundary as you (not living with an active alcoholic) except that I don't because I haven't been able to enforce it. He refuses to leave, but it is prohibitively expensive for me to take the kids and leave. Instead he says he'll stop drinking, again, and again, and again . . .
How did you get your husband to agree to move out? I have the same boundary as you (not living with an active alcoholic) except that I don't because I haven't been able to enforce it. He refuses to leave, but it is prohibitively expensive for me to take the kids and leave. Instead he says he'll stop drinking, again, and again, and again . . .
It was the initial move in filing for divorce. It gave me temporary custody and use of the primary residence. He either left on his own or the police could escort him out. It was not an actual divorce document being filed. That came later. If I didn't want to actually divorce him I just wouldn't file those papers and the current stuff disappeared after 6mos.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by sauerkraut
Firesprite,
How did you get your husband to agree to move out? I have the same boundary as you (not living with an active alcoholic) except that I don't because I haven't been able to enforce it. He refuses to leave, but it is prohibitively expensive for me to take the kids and leave. Instead he says he'll stop drinking, again, and again, and again . . .
How did you get your husband to agree to move out? I have the same boundary as you (not living with an active alcoholic) except that I don't because I haven't been able to enforce it. He refuses to leave, but it is prohibitively expensive for me to take the kids and leave. Instead he says he'll stop drinking, again, and again, and again . . .
My father built the house so it's an emotional tie for me as well. While I absolutely can move on if need be, it still trumps his attachment.
RAH is an isolator - when he's bottoming out he doesn't want to be anywhere near anyone that is going to call him on his crap so he prefers to leave even if it increases his discomfort. (& in a worst case scenario that could in turn feed his relapse, depending on how far down the rabbit hole he goes.) He also undeniably acknowledges DD's needs as priority so her need for a stable home trumps his relapse by a long shot.
This is also an agreement we have come to during his sobriety, not while he was active. And again, push comes to shove? I have no REAL way of enforcing it, I still have to rely on him to honor his word or launch Plan B in order to protect my boundary.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Originally Posted by Mimi9013
Allforcnm- thank you so much for your post! On the situation of driving him to work: he would probably have had a car before we were together had it not been for his DUI's, and I think it would be nice to have two vehicles, so when he goes to work at 6 am, me and DD don't have to get out, especially when I don't go in until later.
I really love your idea of boundaries with communication. I personally don't want our marriage to end unless it's necessary. I will not expose my daughter to the kind of behaviors I've seen from him in the past(he's fallen down stairs, fallen back while peeing and busted his head on the bathtub-given most of the times he's been beyond comprehension has been drinking in combination with pain pills that his mommy used to hand out like candy).
I am usually pretty affectionate to him when he's sober, and when he's drinking I just go play with DD or something else, so I think he gets that I don't like it...maybe.
Oh, he broke my boundary last night, though. I don't know if he had anything to drink, but he snuck into bed way late. He was up playing video games until idk how long, and we have a memory foam bed, so I didn't feel him get in bed
I really love your idea of boundaries with communication. I personally don't want our marriage to end unless it's necessary. I will not expose my daughter to the kind of behaviors I've seen from him in the past(he's fallen down stairs, fallen back while peeing and busted his head on the bathtub-given most of the times he's been beyond comprehension has been drinking in combination with pain pills that his mommy used to hand out like candy).
I am usually pretty affectionate to him when he's sober, and when he's drinking I just go play with DD or something else, so I think he gets that I don't like it...maybe.
Oh, he broke my boundary last night, though. I don't know if he had anything to drink, but he snuck into bed way late. He was up playing video games until idk how long, and we have a memory foam bed, so I didn't feel him get in bed
Just my thoughts..
●▬๑۩۩๑▬●
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
Originally Posted by Mimi9013
On the situation of driving him to work: he would probably have had a car before we were together had it not been for his DUI's, and I think it would be nice to have two vehicles, so when he goes to work at 6 am, me and DD don't have to get out, especially when I don't go in until later.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
I have found, the hard way, that it is not the boundary I had the fear of, it was the fallout from putting one in place.
I wanted to put the boundary up but I ran through every scenario that could happen as a result so I could also control the outcome, I can't do that.
If I truly want to stop or start something, I have to decided if that is what I want and it is the best thing for me/child/situation. It is a lot like throwing caution to the wind. The results are not in my control and really should not be considered to much or use them as an excuse not to do them at all.
I would pick one battle at a time. If it is his license then pick that. You can start with a simple statement that you would like him to look into what it is going to take to get his license back. Do not offer to make calls for him. Do not look on the internet for forms or information. Do not do anything on your own...this is his responsibility. He is a grown man and he should act like one. If he asks you for help then tell him you can sit down together and look up what is needed. Don't run and look it all up yourself, make him be accountable.
Fear of the fallout has kept me from creating any boundaries which in the end was worse for me then having one. Decide which one you are going to do, take a deep breath, pray for strength and then do it.
What happens will happen. At least you know and he knows, where you stand on certain issues.
I wanted to put the boundary up but I ran through every scenario that could happen as a result so I could also control the outcome, I can't do that.
If I truly want to stop or start something, I have to decided if that is what I want and it is the best thing for me/child/situation. It is a lot like throwing caution to the wind. The results are not in my control and really should not be considered to much or use them as an excuse not to do them at all.
I would pick one battle at a time. If it is his license then pick that. You can start with a simple statement that you would like him to look into what it is going to take to get his license back. Do not offer to make calls for him. Do not look on the internet for forms or information. Do not do anything on your own...this is his responsibility. He is a grown man and he should act like one. If he asks you for help then tell him you can sit down together and look up what is needed. Don't run and look it all up yourself, make him be accountable.
Fear of the fallout has kept me from creating any boundaries which in the end was worse for me then having one. Decide which one you are going to do, take a deep breath, pray for strength and then do it.
What happens will happen. At least you know and he knows, where you stand on certain issues.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Quincy, IL
Posts: 91
Originally Posted by cynical one
He's had multiple DUI's, and he's still drinking to the point of passing out at night, yes? Are you confident that he will not drink and drive if you were to get a second vehicle?
So, I think he is scared to drive. He has said before(when he was really drunk) that he is nervous about driving because he doesn't want to hurt someone. Really, that's the main reason I don't press the matter. He isn't confident, I'm not confident, and he's still drinking daily. Plus, it would cost us a pretty penny. But if he was sober and felt comfortable, I would have no problem with us getting another vehicle.
It would actually mean me letting go of some control, because right now, I know where he is all the time because I take him there. He has had a couple issues with talking to other women on fb or texting, and while some of it was harmless, so of it wasn't. So, if he had a car, I wouldn't know if he came home right after work if I was working, and I wouldn't know if he went somewhere on his break. So, that is another control I'd have to let go of in addition to knowing if he would drive drunk or not. But, if I knew he was driving drunk, I wouldn't hesitate to call the police because I know at least 5 people that have been killed because they were drunk driving.
Sorry, I got off on a tangent there! But anyway, I'm not sure if they would even allow to reinstate his license until he could show some solid work at sobriety, and he may have to have a hardship license(only to work and home) with an ignition interlock for a time as well before it would be considered.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
IMO he is not scared, he does not want to remain sober so he can drive safely. There is a difference.
I am a recovering alcoholic and while I never had a DUI, I went to great lengths to make that happen.
I went to the store in the morning on the weekends, I could not go later, I was drinking/drunk.
I went to the store after work, I could not go later, I was drinking/drunk.
I was not available to anyone, my children included after noon, because I was drinking/drunk.
I hated any surprises because I had not planned ahead and that meant I could not drink or the worse case ever, I had to stop drinking once I started.
He is moving his life around the bottle. It sits in the middle and you, your child, work, life revolves around it. It comes first and everything else is second. Dealing with the courts and getting his license back is not on his list of things to do because one, he does not need to, he has you and second because it exposes his drinking. He does not want to stop drinking just so he can drive.
I was married to two alcoholics and they were both this way. I did 99.9% of the driving even though they had a valid license because they did not want to control their drinking so they could drive.
It reminds me of the river of denial story in the AA Big Book. “When she drank she could not control it and when she tried to control it she did not enjoy it.”
They do not want to control their drinking, that is no fun yet they won’t admit they can’t control it anyway once they start. I never controlled or attempted to control my drinking because I wanted to, EVER! I only did it because I had to for some reason. I always wanted to drink the way I wanted to.
While I was out of control with my drinking I was still functional for many years and I kept my license only by planning ahead and pure luck. I didn’t have a DUI because I never drove while drunk, I just never got caught!
It sounds to me like he knows he has a problem but with the way his life is going he has no reason to change.
Work is good, lots of time to work and make money. Getting rides everywhere he goes is good, no need not to drink. Home is good, he plays video games and passes out whenever he chooses to.
Basically he is doing what he wants, when he wants and has no consequences for any of the bad behavior. It is a win, win for him.
You are the one suffering. You are the one upset, angry and lonely and because of that it is up to you to decide if you want to continue to live that way.
You do not have to make huge changes and nothing has to be done today or tomorrow.
Just that you are aware is a big deal. Make up your mind what you want the most and then take action on that. Take it one day at a time. Nothing happens overnight, it will take time.
The thing to remember is do the things and make the decisions that are going to make a better life for you and your child. Let him worry about him. He is a grown man and it is time for him to start acting like one.
I am a recovering alcoholic and while I never had a DUI, I went to great lengths to make that happen.
I went to the store in the morning on the weekends, I could not go later, I was drinking/drunk.
I went to the store after work, I could not go later, I was drinking/drunk.
I was not available to anyone, my children included after noon, because I was drinking/drunk.
I hated any surprises because I had not planned ahead and that meant I could not drink or the worse case ever, I had to stop drinking once I started.
He is moving his life around the bottle. It sits in the middle and you, your child, work, life revolves around it. It comes first and everything else is second. Dealing with the courts and getting his license back is not on his list of things to do because one, he does not need to, he has you and second because it exposes his drinking. He does not want to stop drinking just so he can drive.
I was married to two alcoholics and they were both this way. I did 99.9% of the driving even though they had a valid license because they did not want to control their drinking so they could drive.
It reminds me of the river of denial story in the AA Big Book. “When she drank she could not control it and when she tried to control it she did not enjoy it.”
They do not want to control their drinking, that is no fun yet they won’t admit they can’t control it anyway once they start. I never controlled or attempted to control my drinking because I wanted to, EVER! I only did it because I had to for some reason. I always wanted to drink the way I wanted to.
While I was out of control with my drinking I was still functional for many years and I kept my license only by planning ahead and pure luck. I didn’t have a DUI because I never drove while drunk, I just never got caught!
It sounds to me like he knows he has a problem but with the way his life is going he has no reason to change.
Work is good, lots of time to work and make money. Getting rides everywhere he goes is good, no need not to drink. Home is good, he plays video games and passes out whenever he chooses to.
Basically he is doing what he wants, when he wants and has no consequences for any of the bad behavior. It is a win, win for him.
You are the one suffering. You are the one upset, angry and lonely and because of that it is up to you to decide if you want to continue to live that way.
You do not have to make huge changes and nothing has to be done today or tomorrow.
Just that you are aware is a big deal. Make up your mind what you want the most and then take action on that. Take it one day at a time. Nothing happens overnight, it will take time.
The thing to remember is do the things and make the decisions that are going to make a better life for you and your child. Let him worry about him. He is a grown man and it is time for him to start acting like one.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
