Tentindependent

I was with my AXH for 12 years. We separated in 2011, I tried to stay friends with him but after a lot of continued passive aggression, mind games and financial chaos I went no contact.
I divorced him last year. This was my second divorce and XH1 was also an addict and abuser.

Thanks to counselling, this forum and time spent on domestic abuse sites I have been able to make a permanent break from him. However, I still have a lot of work to do on myself to heal and make sure I never get into a situation like that again.

I have found the people on this forum to be particularly insightful, knowledgeable and supportive. I could really use some help and advice on a problem I am having with a very close friend.

I have know this woman for a few years. We met at work and have developed a really close friendship. She feels like a sister to me.
She has been through a rough time in the last couple of years and one of the things she has been dealing with has been the break up of a long term relationship. Since the split she has been in one abusive relationship after another. I have asked why she seems to be unable to give herself time to recover from the break up but she can't seem to explain it.

I have been trying to help her understand what is happening in her life. I'm no great shakes at romantic relationships. I was drawn into my relationship with XH1 very quickly then went straight into one with XH2 on separating from him. That is something I can't explain as during childhood, I never dreamed about being married, viewing it as something that would be the icing on the cake of my fab, independent life if it ever did happen!

Things are coming to a head for me as she is currently involved with an alcoholic who, from what my friend has described, is already at end stage. My friend has found her unresponsive in her bed at least once. This woman has also attacked my friend, barged into her home and damaged property, verbally abused her family in their own home and sexually assaulted my friend's SIL. She has driven while drunk. I have already pointed out that this woman seems to be controlling, wanting to dictate my friend's time and run their relationship time around her own agenda. This is making it difficult for my friend to spend time with other friends, not least because many work shifts which already makes things difficult.

I am aware of my urges to try to step in and control the situation and am able to control these (give me a pat on the back for being a well behaved codie). I know my friend is on her own path and needs to make her own decisions, afraid as I am for her.

My problem is that though I don't want to abandon my friend when she is so in need of support, I'm finding myself backing away because it so triggering. I haven't been in the best mental health over the last few years suffering anxiety, depression and, as one of my counsellors pointed out, trauma.
There are so many similarities between the behaviour of this woman and my ex that I'm starting to have flashbacks and nightmares about my ex. I had been letting my anger at my ex go. It is now back with a vengeance and I'm projecting it onto this woman, though I know she isn't the real cause of the problem.

I feel like I've done everything can. I've pointed her in the direction of this forum, I've given her all the insight I can. The last thing I said on the subject is that she can either choose to honour herself and her own values, or not. I am very sad at the thought of letting this friendship go but I'm at a point where I need to choose to look after me.

The last time she tried to speak to me on the subject was messaging me late one evening wanting to cry down the phone. I did not answer and was feeling upset about this for a few days afterwards.
I feel like I need to speak with her, face to face and just the two of us to explain why I'm backing away. We are due to meet up soon. This will not be a good time to talk as she's bringing the alcoholic.

Any advice and insight welcome.

CodeJob

can you set up boundaries with this friendship that you don't talk in detail about her A? Like you offer to meet up and go to Al anon? Out to a movie? Work out together but in a situation where you wouldn't be spilling intimate details?

I had a friend drop me like a rock right as my H came out of rehab because I wasn't going forward with a divorce. She claimed she couldn't go through this with me. In truth this woman is more Codie than I am. She was mad I wasn't bending to her will and what she thought was best for me. Since I don't have a lot of local friends, I do miss her company at times.

Recovery can be a lonely place because you are working on your insides. Consider telling her you want to be available to her for a break,from the crazy, but you can't hear about all the crazy. Maybe she will be OK with such a boundary.

Tentindependent

I'm sorry you lost your friend that way.

Once upon a time, I would have been angry with people for not following my advice. Having had a good look at myself and being much more educated about abuse and addiction, that's not the case any more.
Its almost comical to look back on all the times I got frustrated with people for sticking around in an abusive situation when, all the while, I was also in abusive relationships but couldn't see it.

Doesn't stop me finding the whole thing stressful. I'm afraid for my friend tbh. I don't know how to not make things worse for her. I remember all those times I had abusers pushing me to stay and others pushing me to leave. Being the rope at the centre of a tug of war can be painful. Ultimately I'm grateful for people who did step in to try to help. When different people at different times said the same things it gradually started to sink in.

While I want to be there for her, I made a promise to myself that I would no longer allow abusers and addicts into my life.

I'm thinking your suggestion is a good one. Its more helpful to both of us to take that break. However its difficult to talk to her at the moment without everything being about the A. I've also a suspicion that its going to be increasingly difficult to get time alone with my friend.

First step is to see what happens when we meet up, assuming we actually do and she isn't distracted by the A.

FireSprite

I think you've got the right idea about handling all of this. (I know you'd rather I had some great, big insight, but in reality sometimes we have to let go.) It sounds like you've made such great strides in YOUR recovery to be able to recognize how this could turn into you trying to control her by "helping", that's a HUGE win to see that Codie behavior & not give in to it.

I have had this happen with one of my very best friends & I found that just being honest with her helped. I just told her that I could no longer continue to sit by & listen to her complain about things she wasn't trying to fix. (And that if she didn't want to "fix" these things then she should stop talking about them.) ...that if she wanted to keep going to a dry well for water that was her prerogative, but nothing *I* could continue to counsel her through because it directly challenged my own growth in recovery.... that I'd worked & fought hard for every inch of ground I'd gained in my recovery & I felt it was worth protecting. I explained that I wasn't enjoying the time we were spending together & that I couldn't keep making room in my life for her negativity but that I loved & valued her as a friend & didn't want to lose her friendship if at all possible. In every other way she was/is a GREAT friend, but this baggage really dragged her down & changed our time together.

Luckily in my situation my friend was open minded enough to believe me when I assured her this was coming from a GOOD place & not a negative one. We've been able to save the friendship & enjoy our time together & although she still has issues with her RAH, we can talk about it without it becoming an obsessive conversation that never ends & she's been able to see some of her own hypocrisies & make changes. Good luck!

Rosalba

Yes, it sounds as though your friend is enabling her alcoholic partner - and you're in the unenviable situation of being invited to enable your friend.

I read somewhere that the difference between assertive and controlling behaviour is that with assertiveness, you state your case - how you feel, your perceptions etc - and then, crucially - let go the outcome. With controlling behaviour, you keep on and on in the hope that the other person will 'see the light'. This is no more likely to work with someone in an addictive relationship, unfortunately, than it is with a user or alcoholic.

Backing away from the situation is a healthy response. Many people would have run a mile at the first sign of this sort of thing! I get that you want to be there for your friend, but presumably you are familiar with the notion of 'detaching with love'? If so, you may find this a useful means of self-protection in the scenario you describe.

Of course you need to look after yourself. You also deserve to look after yourself without guilt or self-reproach. It can be agonising, watching someone else self-destruct but, as with any other addict, they won't seek help until the pain becomes unbearable.

(((HUGE HUGS)))

Shutterbug1

^this

Tentindependent

This is very similar to how I was thinking of approaching this.
I do think I've made a lot of progress with the codependency and its good to have a neutral party confirm this.
I'm starting to see this as a learning experience and barometer of my own progress.

I've learned a lot from being here. There have been a lot of discussions about stating an opinion once and not repeating things over and over to try to force said opinion on others. I feel like my friend is wanting me to do this and really, I don't want to! These days if someone asks for my opinion or advice I give it once and the person can take it or leave it.
I'm not prepared to be dragged back into dysfunctional patterns of behaviour. Like you said, this is all hard won.

Tentindependent

I think you hit the nail on the head there. That's why I feel so uncomfortable.

Yes I've heard of detaching with love. I'd prefer to do this than just dump the friendship.