aboutdone

This is not conducive to me getting better by any means but I am literally ready to self combust.

I wasn't always like this. My XRAH came into my life tooting his horn and I really feel blindsided. Now I am just pissed. It must be nice to just run off to rehab, move out or walk away. They just keep getting do overs starting at 1 & I am fed up with it.

How nice it is to be soo effin selfish to just say I gotta do me and your on your own now. Leave you at home to figure out finances, run a house, a family, take care of kids, do it all AND still find time for you to heal. We are left holding the bag, cleaning up their freaking mess and then trying to take care of ourselves.

If there was a fault to be found in the whole program it would be that. There is only focus on taking care of themselves and eff everyone else.

I get its a disease. Its one they have the chance to control. It is often times compared to a diabetic. Well, most diabetics, if given the choice to recover would choose recovery. We don't lower expectations for diabetics. They are still expected to to be functional people. We all are. So WHY does the addict get off scott free???

Sorry, if offends anyone or bothers anyone. I have just spent a weekend parenting kids that need love, attention, explanations, and I just feel the addict gets by with murder and never pays the price.

ladyscribbler

Sending hugs. I would totally join you at Alanon rehab.
And I think I would have less sympathy for diabetics if they were constantly chugging ice cold cans of "diabetes juice" and then blaming me for their bad blood sugar readings and amputated feet.

Hammer

Dunno if I am tracking correctly -- but you are saying "X," right?

As in No Longer?

What am I missing?

aboutdone

Dysfunctional as can be
2006 met
2007 married
2009 he binged, left 2weeks before our DD was born, eventually rehab, divorce
Worked al anon, he worked AA, moved back in together
2015, the last couple years have been hell. He shifted from recovering to dry drunk, I shifted from stable to full fledged codie. A few months ago I finally grasped what was going on. He refused to see relapse
Symptoms, finally resentfully started AA again, and began shoving it down my throat, not in a good AA hall, insisted was workin his program but continued to lie, cheat, and do nothing at home so I told him to leave last Sunday.

aboutdone

I guess really it comes down to everytime hes working recovery, he just can't function doing anything else. Claims wants us to work, yet shirks all responsibility. Does nothing to work on us. Most likely he is quacking, but it ticks me off.

CybilVane

I definitely don't think addicts "get off scott free." It's selfish disease. But aren't all diseases? Don't get me wrong, I understand the difference between addiction and cancer, but it is very important that an addict has time to recover, just like any other illness. Honestly, I think the real problem here is how governments tend to treat addicts, which is like a criminal instead of a sick person. Again, I know all circumstances are different, and I am sure you are very frustrated, but in the end (ideally) this recovery time will make everyone's life better. I wish the best for you.

Hammer

Well, your part in THAT you own, so you can be rid of.

but you already know that.

But this part . . .

Does not sound very "X"


THAT sounds like an improvement.

So NOW he is out?

aboutdone

Lol. Yes. He is OUT.
I have lived with my ex husband since late 2009 as if we were married. During divorce I sought and won full sole custody of our daughter. I refused to remarry for a list of reasons.
1. It would null & void my sole custody
2. I have yet to regain trust in him
3. I didn't want to divorce a 2nd time.
Which seems to be about the only sane decision I made in the last 5 years.

Hammer

Well, I cannot give you any good advice.

You are ahead of me.

FlippedRHalo

I remember the same exact rage when my ex-husband went into rehab. I was left at home, distraught over what had unfolded over the year, while trying to hold myself and the house together and taking care of our young daughter with absolutely no family around to help. I was so upset. The upset quickly turned to me becoming livid. That pretty much did us in for good. Once I realized that life was so much more pleasant and so much easier without him in it, I was off and running.

Before he went into rehab, he left me and our daughter and went on a 6 month binge. After he got out of rehab, he realized the "error of his ways" and wanted to work things out. At that point, I was so completely and utterly finished with him and all of his baggage. He STILL begs to work things out, but the thought of ever being together with him as a couple literally makes my skin crawl. We're friends for our daughter's sake and sometimes I actually enjoy our friendship, but it would never progress beyond that ever again. Never. Not a chance in h*ll.

aboutdone

Actually, let me word it this way.
As functioning adults there are things you have to do, you don't want to do.
Such as paying utility bills. I don't want to pay the outrageous cost, but I have to, if I want utilities.
I didn't have children to be a single parent, but I have to for my own serenity, as well as theirs.
I don't want to clean up the financial mess he created, but I have to, if I want to keep my home.
I don't want to spend my entire day broke into blocks of time attending to the above scenarios, but I HAVE to, if I want to survive.

The A gets and always takes the luxury of 30 days to focus on them and only them, where they are not dealing with anything but themselves. They get to be self absorbed, and it is not only ok, its fully endorsed. I never once heard at RAXH rehab, anyone ever say, you still need to be responsible for your children, for your finances or any of the like.

I am not shallow. I am willing to accept that they may need that undivided time for just them, but then what?

I suppose it is wrong of me, but maybe I want to just have a DAY, like one freaking day where I can just be selfish, and focus on ME, and not attend to all the things I don't have a lot of say in.

Perhaps the A does live with guilt. Most times, their response to that is walking away from it, not dealing with it.

I kicked my RAXH out because he was contributing nothing here. He wanted to play PS3 or go to AA when not at work and that is it. He was not even close to a functioning parent or partner in this relationship. You know where he went?
To someones couch. Still no responsibilty, no accountability. Hasn't asked to see our daughter. Hasn't done a damn thing. He gets to just chill and work on him.

I know I can't control it. I know it is none of my business but damn it is really hard not to be a resentful bitter Bee, when I am here trying to just find the time to focus on me.

aboutdone

So you feel me. I have had to sell things I was passionate about just to feed my kids.this past week. Had to borrow money from my first ex, as well as my best friend. AND the thing is, I already did this all in 2009!!! I got better. I moved on, and he came back around begging for that chance, and I gave in. I'm so mad at myself and even more mad at him. He always makes me be the bad guy. Truth be told, if he comes around again, I may be tempted to consider and that scares the hell out of me!!

Impurrfect

aboutdone - I totally get you, I really do. I'd LOVE a codie rehab!!

That being said, I was a major codie who turned to drugs to "deal with it" and became an addict.

I didn't go to rehab, though I could have gone for free. I went to jail, then to a diversion center where I had to get a job and pay rent to be locked up.

What I learned is life isn't fair. We learn our lessons, we deal with the consequences and we move forward.

I'm not making light of your situation. I was left with a lot of messes from my XABF and myself. I've also dealt with situations where loved ones died and left their loved ones in a mess.

I think it's okay to be angry, because anger moved me forward. I've just learned that resentments tried to eat me alive, and I had to let them go. Yep, it was hard, but I'm a stronger person for it. It did take a while to see that, though. Some of the very people I resented are now dead. Others are doing what they always did and living a life of misery.

Me? I'm in recovery for addiction and doing the very best I can. It's not easy, but it is possible.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

freetosmile

Oh my gosh, I just LOVE that. What a wonderfully powerful post! I feel the EXACT same way at times. You said it girlie! Thanks for that

Katchie

I'm with you. I need this too. I've actually looked up retreats in my area! While my AH isn't in rehab, he is off in a hotel having lone time to do who knows what (drink?) away from his family and all of his responsibilities. Not me, but I'd sure like to be on my own retreat.

aboutdone

Thanks but that scares me too. There really is no way for us to tell our whole story, but let me just say in the last 2 months when I really flipped out, I drank a 5th to kill the pain. I text my first ex and asked him if he coukd watch kids, including my daughter from this relationship. He agreed and did. I then cracked open that 5th I bought a week earlier and drank it all. Then text the ex how I was sorry for all I did wrong in tgat marriage. That night I almost decided I was better off dead than living this effed up life. The next morning I got up and had no hangover and thought well there ya go. The solution to your problems in the bottom of a bottle. I have never had that thought in my life and never had a problem with alcohol. I simply didn't and hadn't drank or allowed alcohol in my house since RXaH went to rehab. Just a respect thing. So knowing enough about addiction I decided I didn't want to take tHat road, and havent again. 2 weeks later I was so exhausted from arguing I just wanted to do anything to numb the pain, shut off my brain and go to sleep, that I considered abusing prescription pain pills. So, yes I get it. Scared the hell out of me. I have a deeper understanding now of how easy it is and could be for me to throw my hands up and say screw it all, let me just kill the pain. But I want kill it the right way. I really just want him to feel all the pain he has caused my family and myself. Somehow, I have to let this go but boy am I struggling. Thanks though for this, because it really hits to how close I was to let things fall apart by numbing the pain.

fairlyuncertain

God, I needed to see this thread tonight! Thank you for posting.

I've not only been left with all the responsibility, but my ex is full of anger and resentment and criticism that I'm doing it all wrong, worthless, he's so much better than me, etc, etc.

I get 40 impossible tasks done before breakfast, do them imperfectly, and get criticized for how I did them, or for forgetting task #41.

If he doesn't drink for 24 hours, his day is a success.

Sometimes, I'm enraged. But at the end of the day, I know I got the better end of the deal. I am awake, alert and present for all of my kids' milestones, funny conversations, and random moments. I am THERE, for them and for my friends and family, and for myself.

I have a clear conscience. I make mistakes every day, and I am capable of learning from them. I am learning that I am a lot stronger than I EVER thought I could be--and I can do it all and still laugh and be silly and happy.

Alcoholics, by some measures, have a 90% relapse rate. I hope my ex is sober and stays there. But he's not kind, and I can't count on him for anything, and I accept that (MOST of the time). And I am creating a life that works just fine without him in it. And in my situation, I also feel lucky that he's turned most of his attention away from me.

What I feel sometimes is fear. That in his sobriety, he'll be even better at being cruel and manipulative. Maybe the recovery programs should start some life-skills classes. How to Budget. How to Have a Constructive Conversation. Positive Parenting. Cultivating Patience.

aboutdone

Right. It was actually brought up at an AA meeting I attended once that said, if you was an assole when you drank, then got sober, your still pretty much an *******. In the last 5 years of XRAH sobriety, only 6 months was he really not a butt. Let me tell you, he acted like it killed him to not be a butt. He never buys me anything for birthdays, Christmas, valentines, and in that 6 minths, while at Rehab he picked a couple wild roses and gave them to me and made a huge deal about it. How hard it was for him to go on a walk and pick them. Honestly when he was active, it was sooo much better, because he usually too drunk to participate or passed out or missing in action, but I could 100% say, the man I love can't help it, hes an Addict. Aftee treatment, the indignant entitlement hit the roof. He actually told me last week he owes everything to his ex father in law. That that man saved his life. Led him to rehab. Gave him a reason to live. Um. No. You hadn't talked to that man for a year when you went to rehab, and you claimed your bottom was when I filed for divorce!
Im not saying everyone is the same, & I know some absolutely wonderful people who are RA, who do not act like this. So maybe mines just a special breed. IDK.

Butterfly

Completely with you, I would love even a few days with no responsibility and able to do as I please. It angers me to that they walk away, while its good they're in rehab if they are genuine and actively wanting to stop and not using it as an escape from reality and responsibility.

My ex walked out 10 months ago, he has a brand new apartment comes and goes as he pleases, can do what he wants when he wants oh yes and drink without any interference or having to feel guilt. He sees his kids when it suits him, does take DS to school and home but only if he is going into work (5 mins away from DS school). If he is drunk or wants a day to binge or is on leave then he doesn't take him, nothing that means he has to go out of his way.

He is an alcoholic and has chosen this over his family and responsibilities, yes it's a disease but he has a choice get help or allow his addiction to consume all of him.

Me I have all the responsibility of a home, debt, working full time, managing my own recovery and my kids recovery and picking up the pieces of the destruction he has walked away from.

Here is the difference though I personally couldn't walked away from my kids and responsibilities and solely focus on me, I'm not selfish and neither are the rest of us all, we care too much sometimes and take on the weight of the world, we may not be able to take off and leave all our responsibilities behind but maybe we should try even for an hour a day to make it about us. Weather permitting I have started going for a walk in the park at lunch time to get out of the office, it's a small thing but it's a start.

aboutdone

"
Here is the difference though I personally couldn't walked away from my kids and responsibilities and solely focus on me, I'm not selfish and neither are the rest of us all, we care too much sometimes and take on the weight of the world, we may not be able to take off and leave all our responsibilities behind but maybe we should try even for an hour a day to make it about us. Weather permitting I have started going for a walk in the park at lunch time to get out of the office, it's a small thing but it's a start."

Exactly. I COULD NEVER walk away from my kids and then that brings me to why xan't I just let it go. Clearly, he doesn't hold the same values as I. It really is hard trying to fix it all, especially when you don't have choices sometimes and not become a codie.