illo

This was such a 'lightbulb' moment for me. I just realised that's what my STBXAH has been doing for way too long, making me out to be mentally ill with ridiculously fabricated symptoms and some crazy internet diagnosis. I never really twigged the reasons behind it.

So true. Thank you!

We never stop learning things that no-one should have to learn about do we?

Xxxxx

dandylion

Jodie....I completely understand how heartbroken you feel...to feel used and then cast aside feels devastating. This is what addicts, drug or alcohol, will do in relationships. It is very common...you can read hundreds of stories on this very forum from others who have experienced the same.
If you study...you can get an understanding of how this disease affects individuals and those that are connected to them. This is not about you---nor intended to hurt you--yet it does.
The addict HAS to protect themselves from anybody--ANYBODY--who interferes with their ability to drink in comfort or peace. This includes their parents, spouse, girlfriends, children or co-workers, etc....

You have gotten in his way (for good reason, I think) of drinking without interference. You did interfere. Therefore, you must be "sacrificed". The disease doesn't care. All the disease knows is that the next drink or drug is the most important thing. This is why it is called a disease or "mental illness" by some people.

This is a tough dose of reality, I know. And, I am very sorry to be a messenger of this.
But, Jodie...if you don't want to drive yourself completely "crazy", you will need to comprehend that this is not about you (in their minds)...they are controlled from within by the addiction. They are doing what they must do---unless they ever decide to reach for recovery (and full abstainence). It sounds like they are deep in denial and are a ways away from sobriety and recovery.

I know that this is hard for you to wrap your head around....because you probably never thought that this is how the world is supposed to work (in relationships).
Know this: ADDICTION TURNS THE USUAL RULES OF HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS UPSIDE DOWN.

You are not alone....all of us, here have been wounded by alcoholism. We will have your back....and, eventually, you will heal...

(I hope you are not a "shoot the messenger" type...LOL!

dandylion

Jodie77

Cleo- I guess that would make me clinically insane lol so no I am done. Abandoned, devasted, rejected, and crushed. But done.

Shellcrusher

So much energy gets wasted during these tough times with so much focus on someone else. You're due for some focusing on you.

Forget that other noise. It might sound easier said than done but with some practice it gets better.

silentrun

That seems like a boundary issue to me. I understand some people become good friends with family members of the person they are with. He just broke up with you a week ago though and he is talking to your brother about you. Your relationship is none of your brother's business.
I suspect he is looking for some validation from your brother about his decision. Who else is going to validate it but another addict? They will sit there and blame you for everything no matter what. I hope if he comes crawling back you don't even consider it. He sounds very much like he is about to cross that line into non functioning addict. Look how he is losing a relationship over the addiction. The effect on his external world has begun. The fact that he is blaming you instead of the addiction is not a good sign.

None of this is your fault Jodie and you can't stop it from happening. Curious though how has he been to rehab multiple times and still thinks he doesn't have a problem?

Jodie77

Silentrun,

You made such a good point....multiple rehab stints and still says it's not a problem. That to me is insanity...or denial (or both).

Jodie77

*devastated (typo)

AnvilheadII

relationships END all the time.....just like people we care about get sick and die.....or our family home is leveled and a shopping mall goes in......or a dear friend moves to another country for work. people places and things CHANGE on us all the time....and we don't OWN any of it. part of our growth is learning to let that happen....to not so hang on so tight that we leave claw marks when they try to leave.

LemonGirl

I second all of what everyone has said...

Walk away. Live YOUR life and don't worry what they do with theirs. Who cares if HE broke it.... be grateful! I had a man that I spent 7 years of on and off again nonsense only to be pushed away every time! Well, sometimes I had my watts about me and actually told him NO, but in the end, I realized he was never going to change, so I said audios! And the chaos he put my heart through stopped.
He doesn't want you? Okay.... NEXT!

sugarbear1

please read Codependent No More and Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them (it's an old book, but relevant, I think and probably in your local library)