dmcyl24

I attended my first Al-Anon meeting on Wednesday. I am not sure how I feel about it. It felt to me that they encourage you to live a life separate from the alcoholic in your life. Learn to accept them, but do your own thing and never bring up their drinking.
This is a little hard for me to swallow. Maybe I just didn't understand the dynamic of the meeting.
For me it is are to live a life separate from the alcoholic in my life, since this is the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. But I do not see that happening. For some reason his drinking really affects me, it affects our relationship and really tests the limits of "love."
Any advice?? I am at a loss on all this.

ladyscribbler

Alanon is about focusing on ourselves. Living with an active alcoholic there is a tendency to focus all of our time and energy on fixing them so that we can be happy. The alcoholic doesn't get fixed, and we end up getting sick right along with them.
What were you hoping to get out of the meeting?

Eauchiche

Dear dmcy
Please attend the next 5 meetings in a row before you decide if the program is right for you.

I am beginning to think that the reason behind "detachment," is that the alcoholic is doing the same thing by anesthetizing themselves. You will also come to realize that the problems are also there when they are not drinking. In other words, they are never "sober" until they get into recovery and quit drinking for good.
Please keep coming back!

Rosalba

I can only echo Eauchiche... in my group, they suggest you attend six meetings before deciding whether Alanon is for you - or not.

This is because it takes around six weeks to start feeling like part of the group, and also for your brain to assimilate a new way of looking at situations or, come to that, any new skill.

So, apart from 'Keep coming back' my advice to you is also 'Take what you liked, and leave the rest.'

We all take things on board when we're ready to; and just because another Alanon member has stated something it doesn't necessarily mean it works for you.

lonelyman

Had the same problem with the few meetings I have been to.The separate life is hard when my AW sucks me into the drama and I have to be responsible for all she does.Its kinda like raising a defiant child.

honeypig

I'll echo those who said to attend several more meetings before deciding if Alanon is for you or not. I'll also add that it may be a good idea to attend several different meetings, if you can. All Alanon meetings will be based on the same principles, but I've found that each different meeting I've attended has had a unique feeling, depending on the format and the makeup of the other members.

I practically ran to my first Alanon meeting--I knew I couldn't do this alone. Even so, it took time for me to begin understanding how it worked. I saw people who'd been there for years upon years, and I thought "not for me, once I've got my head on straight, I'm out of here!" But as I began to see exactly what was involved in "getting my head on straight", I realized that it could indeed take a long time--and that yes, I was worth investing that time in and I was interested in doing so! Me, NOT the A. Alanon is all about me.

If you search for other threads here about Alanon, you might find some clarification. I think checking the stickies at the top of the page might help too.

Some folks here like Celebrate Recovery--maybe that would be another option if you find that Alanon truly is not for you.

CodeJob

Hello DMC,

My beloved H drank in the garage. I had my own little folding chair for when I visited and did not feel like standing or leaning up against something. One evening I looked around and decided I was sacrificing a lot to be close to my life partner. I wasn't too keen on living my life in a garage. I didn't like how beer made me sluggish, but I could see that if this idea of being close to my H, at some juncture I could become an A myself.

So I stopped some of that hanging out. I made friends. I did things with other people. I did things with our kid. I took classes. I walked the dogs. My H stopped drinking, but he still smokes in the garage. I still have my folding chair too. On occasion I visit H in the garage.

Al Anon helps with balance. Some folks are so worked up and trying to control their addict's every move... Al Anon gently points out that most of us have our heads up the A's behind. We can love our addicts without having our head up their behind. In fact, we might see the situation with more clarity.

Mango blast

By focusing on my own mental, physical and spiritual health, I'm able to give more to everyone in my life, in a balanced non-controlling way. Self care doesn't mean being self-centered. Alanon helps me with this and with getting out of my own head.

Taking ownership and responsibility for my own life, health, finances, etc. takes that pressure off my husband. Instead of two very ill people trying to be right and fix each other and everyone else, we're learning what healthy is... and then are individually free to make healthy or unhealthy choices day by day. Each day starts anew. When I make unhealthy choices, it's not the end of the world. Awareness in itself is so important. I'm now making more healthy choices and am finding peace and happiness.

The more we're free to be individuals, the closer we've become. That doesn't happen overnight. The insight and experience from those who've gone through this has been invaluable. Take what helps, leave the rest.

Going to at least 6 meetings and some different groups made a difference for me.

Baby steps, easy does it.

dandylion

dmcy....is it the "detachment" thing that hit a sort of discord withing you?

dandylion

lillamy

I think this is one of the things I gradually learned to deal with through Al-Anon. That I do not have to be responsible for another adult. That the A makes their choices, and I do not have to babysit them. I am responsible for me. When I try to "fix" the A, I just cushion the natural consequences of their actions, which makes the road for them to hit bottom that much longer.

Hammer

naw. Don't think you need much.

Sounds like you are right about where you should be right now.

And things are about they way they should be, too.

That is all VERY Favorable.

Congrats.

Super.

THAT is the basis of Step 1.

You are FAST.

atalose

Detachment is a hard concept to accept let alone follow throught on. Detaching from his drinking and the consequences that stem from it, not the person. living a separate life from the alcohol, not the person. Enjoying your life despite the drinking on his part.

Example:

You are both invited to attend an event. He would rather stay at home and get drunk. So rather then you stay at home with him being resentful, go to the event by yourself and enjoy it.

He choses to sit home in front of the TV drinking, you go out shopping, get your girlfriends together and go to dinner, rather then sitting home watching him get drunk.

We tend to forget how to enjoy life because alcohol takes center stage. We begin to isolate, stop going places and enjoying life. We lose good friends and family along the way while we solely focus on the alcoholic and what they are or are not doing.

There is a saying - alcoholics don't have relationships - they take hostages. We often volunteer to become those hostages. al-anon helps us understand we have other choices.

Remember you are going to al-anon because of alcoholism is affecting your life. You are not going FOR the alcoholic, you are going for you.

spedteach

Being somewhat new back into Alanon myself, here's what I'm doing. Take what you like out of it. I go to 3 different meetings each week (when I can, sometimes I cannot attend all of them in a week) to see which of the 3 that I like the most. I'm finding that I like some things about some of the meetings, and different things about other meetings.

It was hard for me at first because all of the meetings are run a little differently and focus on different things. One meeting has a lot of "old timers" at it, people who have been in the program for a long time. I feel like I can learn a lot from them, but I also feel like they can be a tad preachy and they seem to have a lot of ownership at the meetings. Another one has a good mix of ages and people at it. I REALLY like that meeting the most so far and always walk away feeling like it was a good meeting. And finally, the 3rd meeting is at a rehab center and they only focus on step 1, but it's a LARGE meeting. Last time there was 40-45 people at it and I didn't really get to talk, but it was good listening to others and where they are at.

All that being said, try different meetings, go to the same meeting repeatedly before you make a decision and try to focus on YOU and what you want to change about YOU. because you can only control one person, YOU!

knowthetriggers

Keep going back...your are in the right place!

Stung

I can relate. I put off going to al-anon for maybe 6 months, maybe longer, once I had fully come to realize that alcoholism was a big issue for my husband and our marriage. BUT I had been going to therapy during that time and I was addressing the behaviors that I had and the fears that I had. I also started to understand that my idea of "love" had greatly morphed from when we met and fell in love to the time that I needed to get some help and my husband needed to get sober. The love that I was showing him and the love that I wanted from him actually had very little to do with "love" by that point.

I do encourage you to keep going back, only because in my experience it has helped my ability to become more calm and accepting and rational. Also, I'll add that my home group is a speaker meeting during every meeting. I find that speaker meetings are the most impactful for me. If you can try a different location or different type of meeting you might find something that works a little better for you.

knowthetriggers

I would like to take a moment and share my first Al-Anon meeting experience. My AH had just been released from rehab after being there only a week. We were both given schedules of meetings, etc. Took me a couple of weeks but I finally went. I hated it. In fact the lady I was suppose to meet there was not there. All these people in one room sharing stories....weird for me. I didn't even have the courage to look anyone in the eye when it was time for me to say my name.

I kept going back to this meeting, mainly to find this woman I was suppose to talk to, but I was there, right? Three weeks later I had about enough of the stories and one lady sent me over the edge. She was sharing how her AH was in rehab for 3 months and how scared she was that he was coming home and I became furious. I finally belted out (and I mean belted out) "Three months, he was there for three months?! My AH only had a week of rehab and you are scared?" Then I broke into tears and was undoubtedly releasing all my pent up energy, fear, hurt, etc.

The group sat and listened to me thru my tears, folks I didn't know offering me help. It was overwhelming. I knew right then that I needed to be there for myself and not to just "find the lady I should talk to".

So keep coming back. If the meeting rubs you the wrong way then try another one. It took me 6 months or so to find a meeting that felt like "home" to me.

Blossom717

Its hard. Keep going back. Detachment can be a hard pill to swallow, but its like a vitamin.

I had to accept that if I wanted to live a life, any life, I couldn't live the life that my (ex) A was living. I started running, taking classes, and doing fun things with our DD. Sometimes they end up wanting to do the things with you, sometimes you grow apart.

Detaching and focusing on your self helps you to be a healthy individual. Its not about the A. Think about what you want to do. What is fun to you. What is good for you.

hopeful4

It's really difficult to swallow. I remember.

You are looking for a solution to this huge problem. He is drinking, it is affecting your entire relationship. Now you have people who are telling you to detatch and go on about your business??!! What????

Thing is, our lives tend to get very wrapped up in our qualifier's addiction. We focus on it. We stop living our own lives and become this lonely person and forget that we have our own lives to live.

What these people are telling you is not to let your life come to a screaming halt. That you cannot control what choices your partner will make, but that during this time you deserve to live.

Does that make sense at all? It's the best way I can describe it. When I was with my XAH, I was lonely and I isolated myself from other people so they would not know what was going on. I did not go far b/c I was scared what would happen if I left him alone. I stopped having my own support system for me. I was so wrapped up in his and his choice to drink, or not drink, that I became obsessed. It was awful.

I eventually came to realize I had to detatch because I wanted to live my life in a happy and productive way.

Hope this helps!

dmcyl24

is it the "detachment" thing that hit a sort of discord withing you?

dandylion[/QUOTE]

yes, I really don't understand this part. How do you live a separate life from the person you are living with, dating or married to?

dmcyl24

thanks for the advice. That does make a lot of sense.