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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by dmcyl24 
is it the "detachment" thing that hit a sort of discord withing you? dandylion
I have never been able to see detachment as a long-term tool for a relationship, though I hear some people prefer it to divorce. I had to decide what I wanted in a relationship and learn to accept whether or not the person I was with was capable of being in that kind of relationship, too.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Detachment has worked for me in a couple of different ways. I agree with SparkleKitty that detachment in a marriage, for me, has been a stopgap measure--a way to tolerate living with drinking behavior until you've figured out a better, more permanent solution. But I agree that some people are able to make that work over a very long term.
It doesn't mean ignoring the person you're detaching from--it's more like disentangling yourself from the ENMESHMENT with the alcoholic. You aren't ignoring him, but you aren't buying into the BS and the manipulation and the stupid drunken arguments. You have your boundaries to protect you. You permit the alcoholic to experience the consequences of his own actions instead of running interference for him or cleaning up his messes.
These days, with no active alcoholics in my life, I try to detach from people like the one excruciatingly aggravating person I have to deal with in our very small agency. At first, she sucked me into every argument, and would NOT let it go--even when I capitulated. Now, most of the time, I'm able to guess where some of these conversations are going, and I just say "OK. OK. OK." That doesn't mean I necessarily agree (or that I will go along with whatever she's on about this time) but it's a way to derail the argument (which often makes my head want to explode). It's about taking care of me and not wasting my emotional energy over circular conversations that go nowhere.
It does take practice, though, so don't get discouraged if it takes a while to get the hang of it. And nobody does it perfectly all the time, either. It is a great tool, though, for maintaining your own peace of mind.
It doesn't mean ignoring the person you're detaching from--it's more like disentangling yourself from the ENMESHMENT with the alcoholic. You aren't ignoring him, but you aren't buying into the BS and the manipulation and the stupid drunken arguments. You have your boundaries to protect you. You permit the alcoholic to experience the consequences of his own actions instead of running interference for him or cleaning up his messes.
These days, with no active alcoholics in my life, I try to detach from people like the one excruciatingly aggravating person I have to deal with in our very small agency. At first, she sucked me into every argument, and would NOT let it go--even when I capitulated. Now, most of the time, I'm able to guess where some of these conversations are going, and I just say "OK. OK. OK." That doesn't mean I necessarily agree (or that I will go along with whatever she's on about this time) but it's a way to derail the argument (which often makes my head want to explode). It's about taking care of me and not wasting my emotional energy over circular conversations that go nowhere.
It does take practice, though, so don't get discouraged if it takes a while to get the hang of it. And nobody does it perfectly all the time, either. It is a great tool, though, for maintaining your own peace of mind.
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