Shutterbug1

I go into a major city everyday and ride the subway to and from work. This is the city I used to live in with my ex. He still lives there. My ex is an alcoholic and a heroin user. He was doing well for the first year after I left him but then went back to his old ways.

Regularly I see people high on heroin riding the train. I can always spot them. It is so awful when I see them nodding out or begging. It can really twist up my mood and sometimes it brings me to tears. It feels like a deep pain in my chest. I see them as if they are my ex. I deeply fear and DREAD the possibility of seeing him like this on the train one day. I know he is drinking and smoking weed and I can't deny that heroin is likely the next step, or a step he may have already taken. I need to start developing a plan to cope with this should it happen. Any suggestions? I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I do want to be prepared.

freetosmile

I don't honestly think that even if you did prepare yourself for seeing him, that you would remember implementing what you had planned when/if that happened.

That must be really painful for you to have to think about that, and I'm sorry you are going through this.

I don't have any advice here, but I want you to know that I'm sorry you go through this.

Hugs to you.

dandylion

Shutterbug...short of moving to another city..I don't know how you could have a gurantee that you would never see him. Statistically, you probably won't but--I don't know where you can get an insurance against it.

If you should see him--look away, immediately and get off at the next stop. That is what I would do, anyway......

Addiction hurts everyone it touches, that is for sure!

dandylion

Jane11

Shutterbug, I'm sorry you are feeling this way.

Your post hit on something similar that I often think myself. I used to see drunks and drug users etc in the street begging, on public transport like you say and because I'm a bit of a soft touch I would always think how very sad and I really felt for them. Sometimes people I was with might say things about how everyone makes their own decisions and choices in life and where they end up and Iused to find myself being really hurt and getting defensive about this. That point could of course be argued (but that's not where I'm going with this).

Since having the experience with an alcoholic partner it literally breaks my heart to the point of wanting to cry like you say when I see drunks on the street, or even a guy that stood behind me in the supermarket the other day buying copious amounts of alcohol and looking really worse for wear- I just wanted to cry because all I could think was that could be the situation my ex ends up in or like you what if I see him just on the streets in a mess one day- how would I deal with that? It would be so painful.

I don't know if these feelings fade over time and with distance or if having seen the world in a new light and the ravages of addiction like we all have here that this kind of thing will always be in our minds. It's so very sad and no life for anyone.

I'm sorry I just rambled on there and I can't actually offer you any great words of wisdom but I know how you feel is what I guess I wanted to say. Like freetosmile says maybe even if you prepared yourself to the highest degree for that moment, in the midst of it you might forget all that preparation.

Such a difficult situation and something I have struggled with over and over- not wanting him to drink himself to death and me to see him in a mess somewhere, but almost feeling bitter if he did sort himself out when I was gone from his life. That makes me seem like such a terrible person but it's all a confusion of thoughts and feelings in this kind of situation.

How to prepare yourself- like I say I'm really sorry but I'm not so sure. Is it likely that this could happen or do you think it's just something you overthink and fear?

Sending you strength x

Shutterbug1

I can't say I haven't thought about it! Sometimes I feel like this city has so many memories I would be just fine leaving behind. I've had some great memories here too, but not for a while. I have seriously considered moving closer to my family...or to a warmer climate I don't think it would be "running away" I think it would be more like moving into a new phase of life.

Right now he lives in the neighborhood where I work. I can't stand that he moved back into our old neighborhood...I realized when he told me, that he moved there because he knows where the drugs are. The only reason I come here is because I work here. I have been looking at housing and jobs in other places. I just want to remove myself even farther. I think i would feel safer and more secure somewhere else.

Shutterbug1

I think it's a combo of both. It is truly possible because he lives in the neighborhood where I work. I don't obsess about it but I do consider it when I see addicts on the train or when I see someone who resembles him. It is definitely something I fear happening. He's also super scary and nuts when he's high.

Shutterbug1

I also think about all the people who probably tried so hard to help them...the people like us who loved them and desperately wanted to protect them. It is heartbreaking to know that person is someone's loved one out there. Sometimes I wonder if they have children. But then sometimes I wonder if they beat and abused their family, if they were monsters to their family. Then I feel less compassionate. I guess seeing them stirs up a lot of conflicting emotions in me.

Timeiskey

As someone who lives right next door to my ex, I can say that having a plan in place has sometimes helped and sometimes not. It depends on where my thoughts are when I see him. If I am totally off-guard, my split-second reaction is always a sense of happiness immediately followed by a jolt back to reality. I don't know if he sees this internal emotional shift in my face or body. But, if you are aware when you get on the train, then you can probably follow through with whatever you plan. I have found, for me, my best reactions have been when I don't even look at him. When I act as if he isn't there. We have actually almost brushed shoulders walking past each other on the sidewalk without acknowledgment. It is tough, but whenever I even look at his face or into his eyes, it sends me back a few steps and becomes and internal encouragement to break NC.

Jane11

Hi shutterbug, you are right it's just a minefield of conflicting emotions.

Maybe it would be a good thing to consider moving away, closer to family, warmer climate- if that's on your mind and you feel semi positive that it could be something you want then why not go for it, or take some time at least and focus on this and do a little research (this could also be useful in having a project to focus on when thoughts of him crop up).

I moved away from the city I lived with him and I am conflicted about it- like you I have great memories in that city but at the same time also bad ones that I'm glad I could leave behind. I don't live in the city I want to right now and I'm by no way where I want to be in the great scheme of things and I miss the city I moved to, miss my best friend who was there but I guess nothing is forever and maybe one day I will go back, or maybe I will make a life here, or maybe my friend and I will live in the same city again in the future.

Imo it's a good thing if you are considering it a real possibility to move further away from him, and this could help with your healing and certainly with the worry of seeing him. Also please stay safe and take any precautions you feel necessary if you say he is nuts when high.

Like dandylion said I guess a simple answer is almost to just look away and remove yourself from the situation immediately.

Keep us posted on your thought of moving- it's certainly not running away but moving into a new phase of your life like you say.

x

Shutterbug1

Oh wow, that must be so difficult! I'm incredibly impressed that you can manage no contact with him so close. I'm not sure I could stand it.

Btw, I love your signature...those quotes are sooo on point!

Timeiskey

Oh don't get me wrong, in the past six months there have been several reengagements- each leading to the same result- more pain to process for me. If I could have moved months ago, I would have. I will never truly be past this until I do move. Luckily, I have a viewing Monday, so fingers crossed, because I am so ready to move on with my life.

Shutterbug1

I get it. The farther I get away from him the better I feel. I feel like I just have to move from this area, it a nagging internal impulse that gets stronger as time goes on...like a survival instinct I guess

I so hope you can move soon and that you find a decent safe place where you can continue healing. Good luck on Monday!!!

Shutterbug1

Thanks Jane

When I imagine myself leaving I see myself driving away feeling liberated and free, like losing 100lbs instantly! It feels like a big deep sigh of relief. I have been researching for months and it makes me so happy to do this, it gives me hope and something else to look forward to.

Maybe you could visit with your friend and somewhere halfway.

Also, I always carry pepperspray

Jane11

Hi shutterbug, it's great to read that researching and thinking about moving is makes you happy (and also that you carry the pepperspray)!

I can understand totally the way you say it will feel liberating- when I finally had enough of the abuse and an argument erupted and I walked away I had intended to go back (why oh why) but instead I just walked and walked, I got on public transport, went to the safety of my friends house (again) and I decided that's it. I had some private/personal documents that I wanted to retrieve and in the end I had to get the police involved to do this and it has by no means been an easy road since, still isn't, but I guess looking back when I walked away and finally for that time did not go back I did feel liberated.

A lot has happened since which I won't go into as it's on other threads and not relevant for this but I can definitely get your feelings of liberation. For me I'm trying to focus on finding happiness where I am right now, as at least it's not in the same city as him - it's really hard but with time I hope it can happen.

Good luck to you, I think you could be making a very positive step for yourself and your future x

firebolt

Oh I don't blame you for being anxious about running into him. I see an an ex in the grocery store, and I will drop to the ground, ditch my cart, and military elbow crawl out of there so I don't have to deal...and most of the exes weren't addicts!

It may happen one day - it may not. I agree with Dandylion - if it does, git' the hill' out of there asap. Take care of yourself, and try not to let the 'what ifs' drive you mad.

<-------notorious what iffer