Let the games begin!
K,
He is just screwing with you to get you to shut up and go along with his story. He isn't owning anything. Blame-shifting to you. I would expect more of the same later.
My ex did the same thing. I told him that I would not lie for him and he threw me under the bus and undermined my relationships with others to save face. This is pretty common for an A not in recovery.
He is just screwing with you to get you to shut up and go along with his story. He isn't owning anything. Blame-shifting to you. I would expect more of the same later.
My ex did the same thing. I told him that I would not lie for him and he threw me under the bus and undermined my relationships with others to save face. This is pretty common for an A not in recovery.
Alcoholism loves secrecy. Katchie..honesty is appropriate in the world of alcoholism as well as the non-alcoholic world.
dandylion
dandylion
The fact that he is trying to gaslight you and is making up that huge lie for his mom shows that he is not ready to quit yet.
I don't feel he is trying to protect his mom as much as he is trying to protect his possible future drinking! Keep the secret going. Don't get sucked into his craziness.
Alcoholism loves secrecy. Katchie..honesty is appropriate in the world of alcoholism as well as the non-alcoholic world.
It was a great metaphor for me, like it's a growing mold or virus that is threatened by sunlight. All you have to do is throw the shades open, you know?
I loved AXH's mom, who passed before his addiction really grabbed hold of him. I think that if we had found ourselves in a similar situation, I would have been tempted to issue an invitation to her to come stay with DS and I for at least part of her visit.
I guess I still have a bit of growing up to do, because while part of that invitation would have been so we could spend time with her, another part of it would have been so there could be no hiding that her son was not currently living with us. I'll have to think about that part of my personality a bit more.
I guess I still have a bit of growing up to do, because while part of that invitation would have been so we could spend time with her, another part of it would have been so there could be no hiding that her son was not currently living with us. I'll have to think about that part of my personality a bit more.
I'm seeing a few things here.
It's been said already but worth repeating.
Blood is thicker than water
I've learned that I lived my life with alot of fear and by that, I mean:
False Experiences Already Realized
I would build scenarios in my head that haven't even happened.
Am I nostradamus? No
Do I have powers like him? No
Am I God? No
Why then, must I stir myself up with stuff that hasn't happened about things that aren't my business about people that are perfectly able to think for themselves? All that just because a repeat offender said something to me about me that isn't even true?
Naw. There's a plan afoot and it's far bigger than me. Today, I will get out of my own way and let God handle this one.
It's been said already but worth repeating.
Blood is thicker than water
I've learned that I lived my life with alot of fear and by that, I mean:
False Experiences Already Realized
I would build scenarios in my head that haven't even happened.
Am I nostradamus? No
Do I have powers like him? No
Am I God? No
Why then, must I stir myself up with stuff that hasn't happened about things that aren't my business about people that are perfectly able to think for themselves? All that just because a repeat offender said something to me about me that isn't even true?
Naw. There's a plan afoot and it's far bigger than me. Today, I will get out of my own way and let God handle this one.
She is with us. I'm so glad he isn't allowed home because I cold tell when he walked In that he has drank. He's not as bad as I've seen him but he's been drinking I ha e no doubt.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
It's his coping mechanism. Not a healthy choice, yet a very typical one as his anxiety mounts. There will always be something else that'll cause stress, but this may be more of a bump in the road than a huge set back. He's likely beating himself up over his drinking more than anyone else could.
It's his fight. Prayers go with him, with you, with your family.
How are you doing? Breath deeply. Enjoy this time with your mil beyond his circus, if that's possible.
It's his fight. Prayers go with him, with you, with your family.
How are you doing? Breath deeply. Enjoy this time with your mil beyond his circus, if that's possible.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Sending you lots of hugs, Katchie.
Personally, if it was me, I would just act as if my husband has told his family the truth and that they're in the know and I wouldn't walk on any eggshells around her about trying to hide the truth. How are you questions would be met with honesty about the struggles you've been dealing with lately with your husband and his drinking and your most recent separation.
I really hope that your mother in law is supportive of you and your boys. In my experience, my mother in law chose to be supportive of my then active alcoholic husband and enabling his drinking. With the lies he was feeding her she believed that I was the problem…not his out of control alcoholism.
I have had to since let that go. His mother is part of his support system even though his mom wasn't exactly supporting him in a healthy way, it wasn't (and still isn't) my problem.
Personally, if it was me, I would just act as if my husband has told his family the truth and that they're in the know and I wouldn't walk on any eggshells around her about trying to hide the truth. How are you questions would be met with honesty about the struggles you've been dealing with lately with your husband and his drinking and your most recent separation.
I really hope that your mother in law is supportive of you and your boys. In my experience, my mother in law chose to be supportive of my then active alcoholic husband and enabling his drinking. With the lies he was feeding her she believed that I was the problem…not his out of control alcoholism.
I have had to since let that go. His mother is part of his support system even though his mom wasn't exactly supporting him in a healthy way, it wasn't (and still isn't) my problem.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Katchie, You will be surprised on how much your mil already knows.... Deep breaths, enjoy her visit and tell the truth. She doesnt need to know everything. Just answer her questions.
Have a good time with her and don't let him ruin her visit.
Have a good time with her and don't let him ruin her visit.
I wish I could put into words how his family is. She truly doesn't have a clue. She is so excited to see her grandsons play ball. After the game, we ate dinner and i was thankful that his buzz had faded and he sounded like his intelligence and coordination came back. It wasn't so bad that she would think he was drunk, but instead think he was just a little frazzled and tired from a hard days work. But I know. Bless her heart, she has never seen a drunk person before, seriously.
I'm glad he is gone, but I feel bad that his mom had to leave instead of hang out here at my home with all of the boys. But, its not my problem. He isn't giving me much time alone with her either. That's ok. His days of secrecy are numbered. My cousin called me to ask how I am doing. She then lets me know a mutual friend of ours called her husband worried about my AH and his drinking. So, I'm thankful others are noticing and listening for it and will hopefully help keep him accountable. Ultimately that will his decision to have that accountability.
A good friend of mine will pick me up early in the morning for breakfast -- I won't have to cook or hang out early in the morning with him -- yay! Her invitation came at such a perfect time. I'm also thankful that my sister, her grandbaby, and two nieces were at the ballgame so I had someone to talk to and that sweet little baby to snuggle. It took my mind off my husband and his antics.
Thank you all for your encouragement, it has meant so much!
I'm glad he is gone, but I feel bad that his mom had to leave instead of hang out here at my home with all of the boys. But, its not my problem. He isn't giving me much time alone with her either. That's ok. His days of secrecy are numbered. My cousin called me to ask how I am doing. She then lets me know a mutual friend of ours called her husband worried about my AH and his drinking. So, I'm thankful others are noticing and listening for it and will hopefully help keep him accountable. Ultimately that will his decision to have that accountability.
A good friend of mine will pick me up early in the morning for breakfast -- I won't have to cook or hang out early in the morning with him -- yay! Her invitation came at such a perfect time. I'm also thankful that my sister, her grandbaby, and two nieces were at the ballgame so I had someone to talk to and that sweet little baby to snuggle. It took my mind off my husband and his antics.
Thank you all for your encouragement, it has meant so much!
I've read your posts and this one in particular and started typing a response many times and then thought better of it as I am coming from this from "the other side."
First you're doing a great job. I'm sorry for what you're going through. It sounds terribly difficult. I know this is terribly politically incorrect so I do apologize but when I read some of the stuff your hubbie is pulling I think "well I did bad stuff but geeze I never did THAT." 'Course I realize in the world of addictions so many of us are "not yets" so I keep that in mind as I read these posts.
All of what I'm going to say has been said more eloquently than I will say it but for my 59.38 cents here goes.
As far as telling other people here are my thoughts. Yes addictions thrive in secrecy. Each and every choice regarding telling people to break that secrecy has its risks. Maybe you tell, you're shunned, family denies there is a problem and they enable. That is a risk. Maybe you tell them, they believe you, get involved in a positive manner and your hubbie is madder than a hornet at you. That anger too is a risk. Unfortunately there are simply no easy answers.
I guess I would say, and it may be worth writing down two columns, what are the risks, pros and cons of telling or not telling. Using the old phrase "first do no harm" may be worth considering. Ask yourself what is the absolute worst thing that would/could happen for the various choices. I am not in your shoes but it seems to me that the status quo has run its course. It may be time to take some risks. Maybe you lose the support of his family and he gets angry but is that worse than what you are currently facing? I don't know the answers but some food for thought. Maybe however they jump in and you get some support. My better half chose to engage our families. It was not fun, it quite frankly sucked, but I also had to face the music. All of our families supported him, felt there was a problem but were afraid to say anything. From my side it sucked BUT if forced me to DEAL. I'm coming up on a years sobriety so as angry as I was at the time I'd have to admit that approach worked in my case.
Peace and best wishes,
Cookies
First you're doing a great job. I'm sorry for what you're going through. It sounds terribly difficult. I know this is terribly politically incorrect so I do apologize but when I read some of the stuff your hubbie is pulling I think "well I did bad stuff but geeze I never did THAT." 'Course I realize in the world of addictions so many of us are "not yets" so I keep that in mind as I read these posts.
All of what I'm going to say has been said more eloquently than I will say it but for my 59.38 cents here goes.
As far as telling other people here are my thoughts. Yes addictions thrive in secrecy. Each and every choice regarding telling people to break that secrecy has its risks. Maybe you tell, you're shunned, family denies there is a problem and they enable. That is a risk. Maybe you tell them, they believe you, get involved in a positive manner and your hubbie is madder than a hornet at you. That anger too is a risk. Unfortunately there are simply no easy answers.
I guess I would say, and it may be worth writing down two columns, what are the risks, pros and cons of telling or not telling. Using the old phrase "first do no harm" may be worth considering. Ask yourself what is the absolute worst thing that would/could happen for the various choices. I am not in your shoes but it seems to me that the status quo has run its course. It may be time to take some risks. Maybe you lose the support of his family and he gets angry but is that worse than what you are currently facing? I don't know the answers but some food for thought. Maybe however they jump in and you get some support. My better half chose to engage our families. It was not fun, it quite frankly sucked, but I also had to face the music. All of our families supported him, felt there was a problem but were afraid to say anything. From my side it sucked BUT if forced me to DEAL. I'm coming up on a years sobriety so as angry as I was at the time I'd have to admit that approach worked in my case.
Peace and best wishes,
Cookies
Cookies, thank you for your input. It is helpful. I think the point of everything I've heard, from everyones experiences, is that there is no right or wrong answer. So, I'm just going to take it one day at a time. What I should or shouldn't do I think will be revealed when it's time and I should just sit back and let it unfold. Just do my thing and he will make his mistakes, tho I wish he would embrace sobriety I know it may only come from many more mistakes and hardships -- if it comes at all. And I'm going to have to prayerfully be ok with that and keep moving my life forward.
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