Divorcing
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Divorcing
I rang ex A early this morning thinking he would be sober and he was. He was ringing me last niht to tell me has the divorce papers and has had them from New Years eve and will be posting them to me, he said it's what needs to happen!!
I've asked him to leave them into my work so I have them and I'm not sitting wIting on them arriving in the post. So I will have them by the end of the day. He's doing it himself and not going through a solicitor.
It will be quick and more than likely we will be divorced before we are separated a year!!
He had to be drunk which is why he was trying to ring me last night. He told me today that all he can remember is the bad things that happened in our marriage and he can't remember the good, he's probably talking about the time we were separated 5 years and I went out with other people. I said to him there was a lot of hurtful things said and done throughout our whole marriage he asked like what. I didn't get into it all with him. I told him I'd sign the papers and return them to the courts and it will be done and dusted very quickly. It appeared he became tearful and said il speak to you later and hung up, that could put on of course.
I'm feeling really upset, if I'm honest I didntthink he would go through with it or didn't want to think he would. I was applying for the matrimonial agreement and hoped it would shock him into getting help but if not the divorce would go through. I'm not prepared for a divorce I haven't gotten my head around it yet.
Please help me. I have to go to work now I've an important meeting this morning and I don't know how I'm going to get through it!!
I've asked him to leave them into my work so I have them and I'm not sitting wIting on them arriving in the post. So I will have them by the end of the day. He's doing it himself and not going through a solicitor.
It will be quick and more than likely we will be divorced before we are separated a year!!
He had to be drunk which is why he was trying to ring me last night. He told me today that all he can remember is the bad things that happened in our marriage and he can't remember the good, he's probably talking about the time we were separated 5 years and I went out with other people. I said to him there was a lot of hurtful things said and done throughout our whole marriage he asked like what. I didn't get into it all with him. I told him I'd sign the papers and return them to the courts and it will be done and dusted very quickly. It appeared he became tearful and said il speak to you later and hung up, that could put on of course.
I'm feeling really upset, if I'm honest I didntthink he would go through with it or didn't want to think he would. I was applying for the matrimonial agreement and hoped it would shock him into getting help but if not the divorce would go through. I'm not prepared for a divorce I haven't gotten my head around it yet.
Please help me. I have to go to work now I've an important meeting this morning and I don't know how I'm going to get through it!!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Here for you Butterfly. You've had so much thrown at you this last year and you've come through with scars, but so much stronger. Tell yourself you'll get through this step by step as it comes. Nothing much has changed for him, but you have a good life ahead of you.
You'll get through the meeting and you'll shine.
You'll get through the meeting and you'll shine.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Oh, Butterfly...I don't think anyone is ever really 'prepared' for a divorce. I remember when I received my notice that my divorce was final. I knew it was coming--the tool almost had me served by a city Sheriff. Instead, the papers came by certified mail.
It is hard to look at the forms because they look like you are both involved in a lawsuit, "Smith vs. Smith".
Try not to be too shocked and just realize that this day will pass, this feeling will pass. Hang in there! Sending many hugs and prayers your way!!
It is hard to look at the forms because they look like you are both involved in a lawsuit, "Smith vs. Smith".
Try not to be too shocked and just realize that this day will pass, this feeling will pass. Hang in there! Sending many hugs and prayers your way!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic
Posts: 551
((Butterfly))
You will get through the meeting this morning because you are a strong woman. Please believe in yourself the way we all believe in you! After work, go home and do whatever you can to care for yourself. Thinking of you today!
You will get through the meeting this morning because you are a strong woman. Please believe in yourself the way we all believe in you! After work, go home and do whatever you can to care for yourself. Thinking of you today!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
Honestly I think it is good to get it over with quickly.
Clearly, he doesn't want to stop drinking so why prolong the pain and hope that he will change at the 11th hour?
I would take the paperwork he has given you to the lawyer to run it by them.
The other thing I want to say here is that you pulled equity out of your house to "split" with him which you will now be paying back with interest for many years.
I disagree with you about not asking for some of his pension.
You took care of the children and did not contribute to your own for many years you said and now will have a much smaller one than him.
I think you should ask the lawyer if you are entitled to part of that and ask for it as part of the divorce--he got his share of the housing assets, and you should get your share of the work assets.
Please at least check on this and don't tell the lawyer you "don't want it".
Others will support me on this I think--
I know this hurts terribly, but at least it is on the table now and you can move forward and really let go and heal.
Hang in there today and get through the meeting and the day.
Hugs and more hugs Butterfly
Clearly, he doesn't want to stop drinking so why prolong the pain and hope that he will change at the 11th hour?
I would take the paperwork he has given you to the lawyer to run it by them.
The other thing I want to say here is that you pulled equity out of your house to "split" with him which you will now be paying back with interest for many years.
I disagree with you about not asking for some of his pension.
You took care of the children and did not contribute to your own for many years you said and now will have a much smaller one than him.
I think you should ask the lawyer if you are entitled to part of that and ask for it as part of the divorce--he got his share of the housing assets, and you should get your share of the work assets.
Please at least check on this and don't tell the lawyer you "don't want it".
Others will support me on this I think--
I know this hurts terribly, but at least it is on the table now and you can move forward and really let go and heal.
Hang in there today and get through the meeting and the day.
Hugs and more hugs Butterfly
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Please don't submit legally binding documents to the Court without having a lawyer tell you they are ok. You just don't know what the implications of some of the wording are. Once you sign it, you can't change it.
He will have written them to his best interest, not yours.
ShootingStar1
He will have written them to his best interest, not yours.
ShootingStar1
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Thanks everyone. I did get through the meeting and it helped me realise that I'm stronger than I thought I was. I was able to focus on what I had to do and not him.
I've been tearful on and off which is I suppose to be expected. I just don't understand why he is focusing on negative thigs that happened over 13 years ago and things I did??
yes I went out with other people but we were separated 5 years and at that time he was again making no effort to give up drinking!!
I have an appointment with a solicitor on Monday and I will take the forms to her to read over. Here's the thing he is divorcing me on the grounds thT we have been separated 5 years and states in the legal document that we haven't lived together since 2000!!!! I had previously said to him he could say we had been separated 2 years and I would agree but I don't understand why he is saying this!!
I've been tearful on and off which is I suppose to be expected. I just don't understand why he is focusing on negative thigs that happened over 13 years ago and things I did??
yes I went out with other people but we were separated 5 years and at that time he was again making no effort to give up drinking!!
I have an appointment with a solicitor on Monday and I will take the forms to her to read over. Here's the thing he is divorcing me on the grounds thT we have been separated 5 years and states in the legal document that we haven't lived together since 2000!!!! I had previously said to him he could say we had been separated 2 years and I would agree but I don't understand why he is saying this!!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Oh Butterfly. Stop with the whys again. He is not going to change, ever. If he is wrong on anything in the papers force them to be corrected. That can be done over and over until it's all right and filed.
I know you think you are not ready, but you don't have a choice. You are strong and wise and you can do this. There will come a point that you just reach deep inside and move forward. No more questions asked. No more trying to figure him out. Just...forward.
You can do this, truly you can. And you will be better off for it.
Tight Hugs.
I know you think you are not ready, but you don't have a choice. You are strong and wise and you can do this. There will come a point that you just reach deep inside and move forward. No more questions asked. No more trying to figure him out. Just...forward.
You can do this, truly you can. And you will be better off for it.
Tight Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
The "Whys" love to drive the pain, don't they?
I had my sponsor tell me something the other day. He told me the reason I had to write my inventory. He said he could read it better because he isn't fogged up like I probably am. What I write comes off pretty clear to him.
I've read your posts. I know you're strong and you'll get through this.
I had my sponsor tell me something the other day. He told me the reason I had to write my inventory. He said he could read it better because he isn't fogged up like I probably am. What I write comes off pretty clear to him.
I've read your posts. I know you're strong and you'll get through this.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Yeah I know and after I posted I knew, he's focusing on other things rather than take responsibility for his actions, he even said the kids don't want to know me, but then they have their own lives, nothing at all to do with the fact that he walked out so he could drink. Apparently he wasn't happy and felt lonely at times. I did have to laugh at those comments
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
Well, before you see the lawyer, I would write out a complete timeline as you remember
it including the times he left to drink, you lived apart, including approximate dates of his moving out and moving back as close as you remember. I would also list the truthful date of his last move out and when you go see the lawyer, ask him / her what he might be trying to establish by saying more time had passed than actually has, or what impact his claim of you "seeing other people" could have on the case.
Quite frankly Butterfly, I'm a bit suspicious.
Is he trying to protect his pension, or is there something else in the wind?
Maybe this is just a quicker way to get things done, but I don't see why he's
in such a hurry all of a sudden and why he is trying to do the sudden moral blameshifting on you.
I also don't think you should talk with him on the phone again.
You have the paperwork and he can text or contact your lawyer directly at this point.
I personally would not agree to sign anything that isn't completely truthful.
He's been the one abandoning his family and who has been in and out of the home leaving you all before.
Perhaps he has seen a lawyer and learned
he has some liability with pension, etc. or that he might have to pay you back some of
the money you took out of the house and gave him--
Protect yourself. My spidey sense is tingling a bit.
it including the times he left to drink, you lived apart, including approximate dates of his moving out and moving back as close as you remember. I would also list the truthful date of his last move out and when you go see the lawyer, ask him / her what he might be trying to establish by saying more time had passed than actually has, or what impact his claim of you "seeing other people" could have on the case.
Quite frankly Butterfly, I'm a bit suspicious.
Is he trying to protect his pension, or is there something else in the wind?
Maybe this is just a quicker way to get things done, but I don't see why he's
in such a hurry all of a sudden and why he is trying to do the sudden moral blameshifting on you.
I also don't think you should talk with him on the phone again.
You have the paperwork and he can text or contact your lawyer directly at this point.
I personally would not agree to sign anything that isn't completely truthful.
He's been the one abandoning his family and who has been in and out of the home leaving you all before.
Perhaps he has seen a lawyer and learned
he has some liability with pension, etc. or that he might have to pay you back some of
the money you took out of the house and gave him--
Protect yourself. My spidey sense is tingling a bit.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
God sometimes removes people from your life to protect you.......Don't run after them!
Yeah. That says it all. You are way stronger than you think - and you're about to be an inspiration to a whole lot of us in here. Sending you strength and peace! WHAT A BEAUTIFUL LIFE AHEAD!
Yeah. That says it all. You are way stronger than you think - and you're about to be an inspiration to a whole lot of us in here. Sending you strength and peace! WHAT A BEAUTIFUL LIFE AHEAD!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Butterfly,
I totally agree with everything Hawkeye13 said. It could be the reason that he is trying to change dates is so that you get less of his pension. Talk to a lawyer on that one. Even if you were separated but still legally married, that determines the portion of the pension. I don't know what kind of a pension we are talking about here, I get civil service retirement system pension.
Did you actually get the papers today, or is this all the stuff he is saying to you?
I didn't want a divorce either, it was when this financial stuff came up and I started to see how he was trying to screw me, that I woke up.
This other stuff that he is saying, oh, where is that Karma Bus????? He's full of chit.
You have a family here with you now, and we don't like when one of us is hurting.
(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
PS ---- Yes, always the truth on those documents.
I totally agree with everything Hawkeye13 said. It could be the reason that he is trying to change dates is so that you get less of his pension. Talk to a lawyer on that one. Even if you were separated but still legally married, that determines the portion of the pension. I don't know what kind of a pension we are talking about here, I get civil service retirement system pension.
Did you actually get the papers today, or is this all the stuff he is saying to you?
I didn't want a divorce either, it was when this financial stuff came up and I started to see how he was trying to screw me, that I woke up.
This other stuff that he is saying, oh, where is that Karma Bus????? He's full of chit.
You have a family here with you now, and we don't like when one of us is hurting.
(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
PS ---- Yes, always the truth on those documents.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
I have to agree I'm suspicious to. He's not using me going out with other people as part of the divorce he just said it's all he can think about, I think it's so he can do the woe is me act and not look at everything he's done, so he can blame me or anything else but take responsibility!!
I am suspicious about what he's doing and why, I will not sign anything until I've spoken to my solicitor and all communication can be done through her!!
I am suspicious about what he's doing and why, I will not sign anything until I've spoken to my solicitor and all communication can be done through her!!
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
The stuff about when we were separated for 5 years is what he said to me, but I got the papers and it says divorcing on the grounds of 5 years separation and that we haven't lived together since June 2000!! Financially he said he will pay money for DS until he finishes his education June 2016 and pay half of any school trips or anything educational!!
When it came to contact he said he collects DS every morning and evening to and from school and every sat for the gym!! He forgets to mention that there are days he doesn't turn up and let's him down at the last minute!!
When it came to contact he said he collects DS every morning and evening to and from school and every sat for the gym!! He forgets to mention that there are days he doesn't turn up and let's him down at the last minute!!
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by firebolt 
God sometimes removes people from your life to protect you.......Don't run after them!
Yeah. That says it all. You are way stronger than you think - and you're about to be an inspiration to a whole lot of us in here. Sending you strength and peace! WHAT A BEAUTIFUL LIFE AHEAD!
Yeah. That says it all. You are way stronger than you think - and you're about to be an inspiration to a whole lot of us in here. Sending you strength and peace! WHAT A BEAUTIFUL LIFE AHEAD!
Thanks firebolt don't know how I'm about to be an inspiration but it sounds nice. Thank you
Amy. Sorry don't know what you mean, he's doing it so I will feel guilty?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Just noticed you are from the UK, so I can't help you with any of that financial stuff. Start making a list of this that you need to ask your attorney about.
He filed a divorce. Emotions don't come into it at this time, it doesn't mean a thing in court. Battle plans do, and making sure that you get what you are entitled to.
Do some research about UK divorces so that you know what questions to ask your attorney, or perhaps someone else here who has been through this can help you.
You take care
amy
He filed a divorce. Emotions don't come into it at this time, it doesn't mean a thing in court. Battle plans do, and making sure that you get what you are entitled to.
Do some research about UK divorces so that you know what questions to ask your attorney, or perhaps someone else here who has been through this can help you.
You take care
amy
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
B so glad you got through the day without breaking down.
Divorce is where things start to get very practical. Listen to your lawyer and remember that when you both move on, it will be in separate directions.
You may want to go easy on him financially, but do you want to give your money to a new girlfriend or wife, rather than for you and the children? This is the scenario where it all became real for me. Sure my husband didn't like it, but he was used to me rolling over, and he got over it.
Divorce is where things start to get very practical. Listen to your lawyer and remember that when you both move on, it will be in separate directions.
You may want to go easy on him financially, but do you want to give your money to a new girlfriend or wife, rather than for you and the children? This is the scenario where it all became real for me. Sure my husband didn't like it, but he was used to me rolling over, and he got over it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
My therapist told me years ago that divorce is not giving up she said it is actually a sign of strength.
You deserve someone to love you and your son. You deserve respect and dignity.
Butterfly you are so much better then him. He is an addict and will never get better with you sticking around. Take care of yourself, for the first time in your life, put you first.
You can do this!!!!! ((((Hugs))))
You deserve someone to love you and your son. You deserve respect and dignity.
Butterfly you are so much better then him. He is an addict and will never get better with you sticking around. Take care of yourself, for the first time in your life, put you first.
You can do this!!!!! ((((Hugs))))
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