why don't I leave

Old 01-09-2015, 12:34 AM
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why don't I leave

What is wrong with me. Is it that he doesn't drink daily and its easy to ignore the in between stuff. Its getting worse though this last month. He has only not drank a couple of times.

I know that he is drinking while I am at work. I am starting to get scared to talk about it knowing he will get nasty. I just told him that its because of the drink and he said I am mad and boring and making things up. He said he is done with me. He always puts me down when he has had a ccertain amount. .and I am still here.

There is no al anon near me since we moved. We have a vacation coming up next week which I am dreading. I can't stop crying. I need something to read to help me. Why am I such an idiot.
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Old 01-09-2015, 02:55 AM
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Hi Lolita,

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I feel the same only instead of why can't I leave my question is why am I still hanging on, communicating with him etc after I did leave. And to an extent sometimes on real down days I think why did I leave which is crazy as I could list of a ton of reasons as to why I did because of his unacceptable behaviour.

I'm not sure whether anyone can answer the question that is personal to you as to why don't you leave...have you tried turning the question round into why do I stay? What is it about this man, this situation, this way of life that you think is worth staying for? If it helps although it might sound silly write a list.

You are not mad (though I know sometimes it can feel this way) and you are not boring this is just abuse to take attention away from a real topic you are trying to discuss with him. Maybe it's a case that you are the total opposite of boring and in actual fact crave something more exciting to life than being with a man who spends most of his time drinking- to me sitting drinking is boring to be honest.

You say it's getting worse and sadly the nature of the beast is that it is progressive without actual realisation and recovery on his part. I can understand your reluctance to talk as he gets angry as I have been there myself too. You also say he puts you down when he's had a certain amount- that's a form of abuse and whether he is drunk or not you don't deserve that.

I don't have an al anon near me and I know how useful people here say it is but other things you have are SR right here, could you get a therapist, do you have anyone else you can talk to? In terms of reading have you read the stickies on this site- they are so useful for information both on alcoholism and abuse. Could you look online for literature?

There will be other members who can offer more words of information and help but I offer you that I am here, I understand and I am sorry for your pain.

Sending you strength x
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Old 01-09-2015, 05:26 AM
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I'm sorry you're having such a hard time right now. I hate when I'm feeling stuck like that and can't get a handle on it.

Sometimes when I need to refocus and also 'need something to read' as you said I go through the stickies at the top of the page. I also have found myself focusing on Step 1 lately and reading through what I find on that subject in the two one day at a time books I have from Al anon. I do think a meeting works better for me but sometimes can't get there.

It's good to let ourselves sit with our feelings and acknowledge them. I just find that I can occasionally end up not just sitting but wallowing - that's when it's time to change tactics and step back in a healthy way - reframe the brain.

Hope today is a better day for you...did you check out the daily post that honeypig puts up from the Language of Letting Go? I check that out every day
((hugs))
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Old 01-09-2015, 05:57 AM
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lolitalola, fears of abandonment and lonliness are the most frequent reasons that a person stays in a relationship that they know is destructive.

The book.."The Saber-Toothed Tiger" is a book that specifically addresses this issue. You can get it on Amazon..very easy to read.

I see that you have been on the forum for a couple of years--so, I imagine you are
pretty well informed about alcoholism and co-dependency stuff.

dandylion
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Old 01-09-2015, 06:16 AM
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Originally Posted by lolitalola View Post
What is wrong with me. Is it that he doesn't drink daily and its easy to ignore the in between stuff. Its getting worse though this last month. He has only not drank a couple of times.

I know that he is drinking while I am at work. I am starting to get scared to talk about it knowing he will get nasty. I just told him that its because of the drink and he said I am mad and boring and making things up. He said he is done with me. He always puts me down when he has had a ccertain amount. .and I am still here.

There is no al anon near me since we moved. We have a vacation coming up next week which I am dreading. I can't stop crying. I need something to read to help me. Why am I such an idiot.
Hubby had a drink last week (only one so I felt boundary was a bit extreme, but, hey, my first boundary and I stuck to it) and I opted out of the vacation this weekend at my favorite place rather than go through the angst of whether he would be drinking or not. He wasn't a happy camper. He did decide to go anyway so I got my vacation here at home which has me just as happy. If he drinks? Well, thats his choice. I won't be there to watch and he will have to deal with it on his own.

If the vacation is worrying you think about what you need. When there is no consequence for bad behavior there is no reason to own up to it.
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Old 01-09-2015, 06:17 AM
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Dear Lolita
Please don't beat yourself up too bad. This time last year I was still binge drinking with my ex. I wanted to give up alcohol for Lent, but was afraid it would make him mad. I ended up giving up the relationship instead, and now am pursuing sobriety and healing.

Turn yourself over to your higher power and ask them to work out their plan for your life. Keep coming back here.
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Old 01-09-2015, 06:45 AM
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Its typically much harder to leave an abusive relationship than a non-abusive one. For one thing you could be afraid of an abusive backlash from him which is reasonable, plus living with someone like that can make a spouse too depressed, unmotivated, and having low self esteem to get the energy needed to leave.
Could you get some help and support from a good counselor who knows what abuse looks like? Professional support was vital for me leaving my ex abuser.
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Old 01-09-2015, 07:46 AM
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why don't I leave ?

You don't want to leave/ you are not ready to leave. That is the answer to that question.

Perhaps you think you can still save him.

Perhaps, like so many others here, you are romancing the notion that your love will turn this around.

His statement of being "done" with you is a classic example of protecting his addiction, your are now interfering with drinking, and he will banish you from his kingdom, as he will not allow anyone to compromise his right to drink.

The fear of being alone can keep us stuck, what we fail to realize, being with an active alcoholic, we are already alone.
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