Dropped a Bomb and Walked Away

Old 01-08-2015, 04:17 PM
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Dropped a Bomb and Walked Away

For about 2 months I was seeing a new guy, say his name is John. Things were going great with John, I was starting to fall for him. I've yet to meet a man like John, he seemed to be everything I wanted and everything I didn't even know I wanted. He saw me in a way I never saw myself and made me feel so special. Things were starting to get serious. Just this past Sunday we were talking about making plans to travel together and talked about our relationship as if it had a serious future.

About a month ago, John revealed to me that he thought he had a minor drinking problem. Made it out to sound like he just needed a couple beers a night to make him feel normal. He went home (back to Canada) for the holidays and came back saying that he stopped drinking and that he felt good as new. I believed him and we got back to our normal routine. So much romance and fun, it was almost to good to be true.

This past Monday, I get a text from John revealing that he didn't stop drinking back when he said he did but that he had decided to stop that day. He said he wasn't feeling very well but tried to play it off. I didn't know what to think but tried to remain supportive. Tuesday Morning, I get a good morning text and he says he feels 100x better. Still a little skeptical I go along with it and we make plans to hang out that afternoon. Around 1pm, I get another text from John saying that he doesn't feel well and that he doesn't think he can hang out anymore. At this point I'm really starting to worry. I try to offer my help and be supportive but, once again, he plays it off and says he'll be fine, just needs some rest.

Then later, I get a text asking if I could come meet him at a park that we like to visit to talk. I'm starting to panic. I don't know what's going to happen. I get there, he is visibly shaking. He leads me to a bench to sit and tells me that he's leaving. Going back to Canada to check himself into a treatment program. He lied about the severity of his problem. The two beers he originally told me about was actually about a fifth of hard liquor most days. I'm devastated. Devastated for him, devastated at my realization that I have to let him go. That we have to go from talking all day every day to not knowing if or when I am ever going to speak to him again. He doesn't want me involved in his recovery. He said that because he cares about me, he isn't going to contact me until he is sure that he can remain sober and that he can't promise me that the two months of treatment will even be enough. As he says this, it's clear he's having severe withdrawal, shaking, glazed look in his eye, he even threw up at one point. It was terrifying to watch.

I'm crying. Sobbing. I still am. He's all that I can think about. Obviously, my number one concern is that he gets better, that he no longer worries for his life because of his addiction. I'm so proud of him that he took it upon himself to seek treatment without having something completely devastating happen in his life as a catalyst. He's young, 28, there is a lot of hope for him, even if he doesn't feel it. But with all of that, I can't help but feel broken. I simultaneously watched the man I had just let myself begin to love be in the most pain and fear that I have ever seen and also watched the relationship I cherished so deeply crumble, reduced to nothing, in a matter of seconds. And I have to carry the pain of our destroyed relationship on my own. I had so much I wanted to say to him about us, but I couldn't. I wouldn't do that to him. Burden him with my pain from having to let him go when he was already dealing with so much. And even if I did, I don't think he had the capacity to do anything with it. It wouldn't have been fair to him to tell him that he just broke my heart.

But it's not fair to me either. To have to carry this on my own. I feel like I'm broken. I've had panic attacks since that moment. I don't have an appetite. He's all I think about. All I worry about. His last words to me were, "I need to go. I'm sorry. I just need to go." and he got into his car and left. He had no capacity to worry about me or about us. And I wouldn't have asked him to even if he did. I can't even contact him because he doesn't have a phone in treatment. I don't even know where he went for treatment! I literally have nothing. Nothing but the best memories of us together. But now he's just gone. No transition. No contact. One second here and happy, the next it's as if he doesn't even exist. He said he would try to reach out when he was better, but who knows if he actually will and, if he does, when that will be. So I'm left here, dealing with the aftermath of the bomb he dropped on me and walked away from. He had to walk away.

I understand he had to. He had to walk away from me. He had to choose himself, to choose life. And I feel guilty that I feel so deeply pained by my losing him, as I know it's nothing compared to the pain he feels with his addiction. But I do, I hurt. So bad.

This doesn't happen to normal people. I try to talk to my friends but they have no idea what to say to me. I'm great in bad situations, so good at processing things and moving forward. But this is too much. I have no idea what to do with these feelings or where to go from here. He's gone. That's it. Am I going to hear from him in 2 months when he's done with treatment? And even if I do, what does that mean for us? Do we try again? Do I want to take that on? Am I capable? Given the option now, I definitely would be with him every step of his recover and after. But he didn't give me that option. I wonder if that's a good thing, if maybe letting me go was a gift.

All I know is that I miss him. My heart is broken. And it's not the typical broken after an ended relationship, and I would know. I am well acquainted with bad break-ups. But I didn't know that this kind of broken existed. I know ultimately I'll be okay. But I miss him. I miss us. We had so much. And now, there is nothing.


I'm not exactly sure what I'm looking for on this forum. Is there any advice one could give me in this situation? All I see is a ****** situation without any clear reasoning behind it or lesson to be learned. But I felt like I needed to share anyway. This is too much for me to hold on to alone.

And apologies for my naiveté at any moment in this post. I should mention that I am only 21 and am probably in fact quite naive.
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Old 01-08-2015, 04:36 PM
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This is going to sound callous, but count yourself lucky. You have good memories. You are not physically or emotionally threatened. I've worked in healthcare for 10 years now, and I can tell you that from what I've observed, very few alcoholics get sober on their first try or even their second. It gets worse before it gets better.

Give yourself some time to feel your feelings and work through the loss, but then pick yourself up and move on. At the end of the day he was inherently and deeply dishonest with you on multiple occasions. You really have no idea who this man was/is.
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Old 01-08-2015, 04:36 PM
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jlt33. I understand the intensity of your pain. You are acutely grieving.

You are going to experience this natural process of grieving--just as he will suffer withdrawl and have to go through the detoxing period. There is just NO way around it.
You have my compassion, because we all know how bad this hurts.

Fortunately, it will not always feel like this.
I suggest that you attend alanon, in the meantime--because they will understand your pain and you will recieve a lot of love and support in a way that is beyond words.
I suggest that you proceed as if reuniting is not in the picture. (it probably isn't).

The Universe may have protected you from a great deal of pain down the road--pain worse than what you are experiencing right now.

You can turn him over to God in your mind....and, you can pray for his best welfare.

Please, hang around!!!! You are not alone.

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Old 01-08-2015, 05:03 PM
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My intent is not to discount your feelings, your post clearly states you cared for this guy,

BUT

As QueSera stated, you truly do not know much about the person, which is to be expected, as you have only known him 60 days.

You are 21 years old with your whole life ahead of you, to get involved with an active addict would be the greatest injustice you could do to yourself. Read around this forum, read what people have lived and endured in the name of love.

If you ask anyone here, 'Knowing what you know today, would you do it again.?" Think it's safe to say the answer is a "big hell no".

Go ahead and cry those break-up tears, they are cleansing, write this one off sweets. There are millions of available fish in the sea, that are not carrying around a monkey on their back. An active addict is an unavailable partner, the alcohol rules his world. Number one is the booze, number two is to protect his addiction, so safe to say the only thing he is currently capable of loving is the booze.

Just from your post , the fact that he made you feel to good to be true, i have a real big hunch, he misrepresented himself to you. You see, alcoholics are liars, they cannot tell the truth, they cannot tell the truth, they cannot tell the truth.

Feel free to post all you want it helps to get it all out. You are not alone, we understand. take care.
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Old 01-08-2015, 05:58 PM
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Thank you all for the responses. They really have given me some perspective. After reading through some of the other posts on here I'm realizing how fortunate I am and almost how undeserving I am of posting on here. My pain is nothing compared to what it could be later down the road. But in the moment I just didn't know where to go. This helped, a lot. I know I'll be fine. I hope he will be too, eventually.
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Old 01-08-2015, 06:04 PM
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Hello jlt and Welcome!

I am so sorry you are hurting. It is a pain many of us know well.

I'm happy your friend has decided to work at a sober life. I know this is hard to understand because it certainly was for me at first....

....but he is actually fighting for his very life right now. His job is to only think about recovery. He has to learn to think, feel, and be again in a new way, a sober way. This is just the beginning of a very long road for him, and I hope and pray that he will stay on it.

Please take good care of yourself, and come here and vent any time!
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Old 01-08-2015, 07:53 PM
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Just be thankful this is B.C. (before children).

You have some time ahead of you. He is off to Rehab for a month or so, and then they do not tend to have their heads screwed on straight for a year or more.

THEN you may see what the results are. But in all truth, they are often Less than Good.

You may have dodged a bullet.
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Old 01-08-2015, 08:55 PM
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Marie1960, I agree with everything you said, 100%! Wow!

And jlt33, I'm sorry you are hurting... It IS different than a regular breakup... and that worry you feel can overtake you if you're not careful. Since he is off working on him, all you can do is be proud if him, wish him well, and then get on with you. At least he helped define some things about yourself and what you're looking for. And also some things that you're NOT looking for...
Life will keep moving whether you move with it or not. I pray you take your loss and make it beautiful. In the meantime, big hugs to you and keep writing...
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Old 01-08-2015, 09:30 PM
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Originally Posted by Hammer View Post
Just be thankful this is B.C. (before children).

You have some time ahead of you...
Bingo.
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Old 01-08-2015, 10:05 PM
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Hugs to you.... I know that you are heartbroken. I know it. I've been there. I remember the night that my then-really new, amazing bf dropped a very similar bomb on me. He stayed where he was to rehab so I stayed in his life to support him. He will tell you to this day that I helped save his life. I question really who did I save? I didn't save him. He beat a very ugly drug addition but went on to develop an uglier alcohol addiction. Our marriage will officially be over next month. We spend 14 years together. A whole life really. And I did definitely didn't save myself in this. I'm still heartbroken to have lost this person that I loved so much. Despite all the horrible things that he did, I still worry about him. My three year old hasn't even began to know how much he can hurt her by simply walking away from her. So I guess what I'm saying is be gentle with yourself. Pray for him and pray for you. God will open doors for you if you will let him. Go live your life and enjoy it. Again hugs to you and prayers for him.
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