FireSprite

The holidays were pretty interesting this year... it was like The Good, The Bad & The Ugly.

There WAS a LOT of good stuff - great quality time with DD, awesome mornings of sleeping in & days when I could nap. Time with friends & family. RAH surprised me for my birthday with concert tickets & worked hard to make the night very special all around. Long story - but we had planned on seeing this band years ago & never made it into the show & then our "quick drink" at the bar on the way home turned into me dragging his drunken, puking, obnoxious carcass home. It was pretty cool to right a wrong from so long ago. It was surprising that he took time to consider details & not just have some vague plan.

The Bad showed up on Christmas Eve & stayed through just after New Years. RAH seemed to trigger more this year than ever before - I *think* it's because he's actually working his recovery this year instead of white-knuckling through. I know there was a combo of factors: FOO triggers, working nights for a few shifts/loss of sleep, out of routine with his meetings etc, & you could practically feel the pressure building as days went on. Luckily, DD & I are both strong recovery-wise & can detach pretty easily & not take this crap personally & he's good about giving us space when he knows his attitude sucks. The Bad also showed up in the form of aggressive, advanced cancer in my BFF's mom. Such sad, sad news for their family. It's very unlikely they will have another holiday together.

The Ugly happened when the pressure finally blew the lid off the container & RAH went MIA on me. It seemed logical that he was relapsing, no answers to my texts or calls for hours. So instead of tossing & turning, I got up in the middle of the night & packed all of his crap; he was shocked to come home & find it all on the front porch even though we'd discussed my boundary that I will NOT live with an active, mute, relapsing alcoholic & both agreed that in that situation HE would be the one to leave because it's better for DD to stay in the home. (I realize I couldn't MAKE him leave & in a worst-case scenario we would go instead, but I'm holding onto my family home if at all possible.)

As it turned out, he hadn't relapsed but had finally gotten up the cojones to call his mother & say all the things he's been repressing for about 40 yrs. He said he finally snapped, was horrified at how he was doing to us the same things he hated her for all these years, that he can SEE himself acting out the bad pattern but hasn't been catching it until after with hindsight. He said he screamed until he sobbed & then kept ranting anyway because it had taken him so long to get to this point. When he finally came up for air, he didn't even wait for a reaction, hanging up on her instead. He hasn't heard one word from her since (& she had been texting almost every day which was part of what was triggering him - all those phony, for-show interactions). I know exactly what she's doing - waiting him out to see if he'll call to apologize or retract his words. Years ago when he told her off about a simple issue she stopped talking to him for 2+ years because she cannot ever face the music when she's called out.

I was really happy for him but not so much that I can excuse the bad behavior for the days/weeks before that & told him so. Getting treated badly himself is no reason to treat others badly too, it's not a license to hurt. I didn't apologize for packing his crap either, even though that really irked him..... hey, I can't know what you're struggling with if you don't share it with me. If I am left to act independently & since this disappearing act mimicked his behavior when he drank, it wasn't an assumption that he relapsed so much as an educated guess. I won't apologize for protecting my boundaries. And he needed to clean his closet anyway, .

So, hopefully he's had a breakdown leading to a breakthrough.... we'll see. He did say a few things that I'd not heard from him before & seemed to have more clarity on some issues which is promising, but it's been just a few days since this all went down so I'll be waiting to see if he can match his actions to his words.

freetosmile

I'm really happy for your RAH. I mean, it sucks that it's so hard right now for him. I have heard that early recovery is a beast. But I think one of the things you didn't mention in the good category is that RIGHT NOW- you STILL have your family (including RAH) which is great! And you said you were going to try to keep the family together if you could.

I mean I think that is great that he's doing what he needs to do and I think that should be commended. While I don't think A's deserve too many pats on the back...I would say yours sounds like he's making strides. Confronting mom- must have been tough. That's awesome. And you sound so healthy! I think that is great.

Your strength gives me hope that no matter AH decides, I'm going to be ok.

Thanks for this post.

hopeful4

Well, I am sorry he had been treating you badly, however, sometimes when you sit back and realize you are acting in a way you cannot stand, you just blow. I am sure he did not want to expose you to that either, which is good.

It sounds like his mom is toxic, so I hope there is no contact from her unless it's to say she is sorry, and mean it.

And now that his closet is clean, surely that will ease the cleaning stress LOL!

Good for you FS to stick to your boundaries and show him that you still mean what you say and say what you mean.

Tight Hugs!

FireSprite

That's exactly right - our recoveries & our happiness rely on OUR strength, OUR commitment to be better, trusting OURSELVES.

Hopeful - yes, his mom is way toxic & always has been. Luckily I saw this early on & went NC with her 15+ yrs ago.

I know the closet thing might seem a bit over the top, but I didn't explain that his disappearing acts are something that I have been very clear about - it's a long-term known issue. I felt like if he was purposefully crossing that boundary then I needed to follow through & back up my own words. He admitted later he had been gotten all my messages & was choosing not to respond. I know he gets overwhelmed in those emotional moments but simple, "I'm OK, we'll talk soon" or something would've been enough for me.

Mango blast

Not over the top at all! It seems very healthy that you did that, for both of you! Actions speak much louder than words.

Wow. Way to go!!

Whether it gets posted or not, thoughts and prayers are always with you.