Alternatives to AlAnon
 

Not feeling the 12 stepping at all anymore. I just come home from the meetings furious. I really don't believe in a higher power at all anymore either. I need something that focuses entirely on ME and not my relationship with the alcoholic or demanding that I "let it go" or forgive him this instant. I need to be alright with ME and I don't think 12 stepping is going to do it.

Do you have a therapist? That might be a way to start.

I understand Terp. I do believe in an HP and got good support from Celebrate Recovery. However, it was having a therapist that specializes in addiction where I got the true help from. I think you have to be able to get focus on YOU, and to do so you need a counselor or therapist for one on one.

Hugs.

A counselor or therapist is the way to go. Hope you feel better soon!

TerpGal....you just h ad a long thread where you discussed your fear of "breaking a promise to God". You spoke if receiving sacremants and your decision to remain married due to religilous reasons. O.K. No problema.

But, today, you say that you don't have a higher power at all. O.K. No problema.

The thing is..I am so puzzled when I try to understand exactly where you are coming from... Help me...LOL!

dandylion

I do have a therapist. 2 of them. A domestic violence counselor at the local women's shelter and a trauma specialist who also works with addicts. I don't feel like I'm making much progress in these venues. I am constantly furious and at times want to do physical harm to RAH (but would never do so of course). I am angry at myself for not feeling good enough to know I deserved better. I am angry at myself that I am still here and too much of a coward to do what I know what needs to be done. I am curious at RAH that he thinks things are great and hunky dory now because we had 2 nice nights out and it's been 5 months so I should stop being angry at him.

I don't want to be angry anymore. I don't want to feel anything anymore. I want to give up. This is so painful I think I might die from it and Al Anon at least in my area the members are very pushy about just letting it all go this very instant and that there's something wrong with you if you can't. Most of these folks have been around FOREVER and it feels like they forgot what it's like.

I’ve been in al-anon a long time and I’ve yet to come across anything that demands that I let go or forgive them this instant.

The opening at our meetings always begins with – you are here because of alcoholism and not for the alcoholic.

Al-anon is to focus on you whether you stay with an alcoholic or not. The program is for you, it’s up to you how to apply it.

I’ve found that in al-anon or therapy or counseling if I chose to try and control someone else I remain angry and frustrated. When life is not going my way or how I want it to I become angry and frustrated.

When I “focus entirely on me” and “let go” of trying to control another or outcome of something I have no control over I find peace.

It's not really religious reasons. I am no longer a Catholic. I was just raised to believe if you are married, that's it. Although my parents marriage is a horrible example. My father is a verbally abusive alcoholic and my mother is a beaten down woman.

I am still terrified of my father to a degree and part of the reason I haven't yet left is because of what his reaction will be.

I do think it's possible people forget what it's like. And certainly, what each person has experienced is different.

I know you don't want to hear this, but I think anger is just a stage in the grieving process, and that is where you are. While it may look hard now, I think you will get past it with time.

Can you channel that anger into something else?? This may sound corny, but in college I took a pottery class. I can remember that was a difficult time in my life, and I was pi$$ed off for various reasons. I would go in there and beat the crap out of my clay, then I would sit down and relax and actually try to make it into something. It was very therapeutic. My skills were nada and my pots were always crooked, but in the end I think it was one of the most productive means of therapy I could have done for myself during that time.

You will get through this. Think about how long it took you to get in this place. So give yourself a break that it will take time to get through some of these stages.

Tight hugs Terp. While you may not recognize your progress, I can see it loud and clear!

I have been wanting to do this (pottery) for YEARS, thanks for the reminder that I need to investigate getting into it when my situation is right to do so

Two things: I think it's very, very easy for us who have been around for a while to forget what we felt like when we first walked into the rooms of Al-Anon. I remember feeling like people there acted like what you were supposed to do was self-evident -- and remember feeling like it bloody wasn't, not for me.

I bought a lot of Al-Anon literature and was able to consume it at my own pace, and that helped me sort of get closer to what they, the old-timers were saying, and understanding where they were coming from.

Two: I have had times when I just wanted to be DONE. When the feelings were too much, when the work was too hard, and he I just wanted someone to FIX ME NOW. And during those periods, I was totally unreachable for help. I wanted someone to fix me, but anyone trying got their damn head bitten off. I wanted help but not THAT kind of help (whatever kind it was I was offered).

I'm not saying that's what you're doing, but I'm telling you, I was so desperate to get better that I pushed away the very people trying to help me simply because... I never felt that what they offered was enough. Kind of like a starving person pushing away a piece of bread because it wasn't an entire meal.

I don't know if any of that makes sense to you, but I just wanted to share it.

I get this way at times. I even posted to my FB that I don't believe I believed in God anymore.
I get angry and furious and despite the prayers and prayers and prayers my situation only seems to get worse, I can't get a break.

I feel totally forgotten by God and everyone to be honest.

It's a roller coaster of emotions for sure.

((hugs))

Maybe we should start a new business called "Pottery Therapy" LOL!

TerpGal....that clears it up quite a bit (for me). It seems that you are not afraid of God's wrath---you are afraid of your father.

That makes sense to me. We all grow up wishing for our parent's approval. I think that is just natural. Trust me--I grew up in the DEEP mountains of West Virginia...and I know about rigid, unforgivable cultural rules that they (try) to hand down. There was no room for deviation. Or, that's what we were TOLD.

However..no matter how we were raised...we still have free will. There comes a time in our development that we experience a rebirth of our value system. Usually, but not always, this happens somewhere in our twenties.
When we are small we live by the values and customs of our parents. Then, in early adulthood...it is as if all those values are tossed into the air--and we then pick and choose those which we truly embrace and discard those which do not serve US.
This surely will cause conflict between parent and child, sometimes.
IT IS A MAJOR RITE OF PASSAGE IN OUR LIVES.
It cannot be avoided if we are to become authentic individuals in our own right.
(mine came at age 27).
I am glad that you have a lot of therapeutic help....because I think that you will have to face your feelings about your parents and make peace within yourself about them.
The pain of facing it cannot be any worse that living day in and day out with the torment about it.

LOl! TerpGal...now, I realize that I am becoming as annoying as a plaque of locusts. If so, just use the good ole' DELETE button on me!
I felt compelled to share.

dandylion

***this stuff about stages---passages in our adult life---is basically from the work of Gail Sheehe in her classic book "Passages". It is an older book, but the material still has validity, I think.

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I have really been wanting to try out martial arts for a while. It's hard to find classes that meet my needs because I'm a night shifter, awake while the rest of the world is asleep. Adjusting to this schedule has not been easy and I think is making me feel a little worse. Plus I have the flu right now so........yeah.

Cognitive therapy works especially well for addicts and codependents. BTW, I'm sober 23 years and go to AA regularly. I'm also an agnostic. I have a higher power not related to Christianity.

I read this as POTTY therapy and I was like :c029: LOL!

TerpGal - in a way, I'm sitting here completely jealous of you. I WANT the anger! I WISH I could feel anger! I know it's deep down in there somewhere, but I can't find it. Don't get me wrong, it's come out in my relationship when it's built up so much that it HAD to come out, but now that it's over....nothing. Just hurt, guilt, questioning, fear. I KNOW I have A LOT to feel angry about, but where the hell is it? That it's NOT coming out scares the hell out of me! I think you're in a better spot than I am because you're actually feeling it and that's healthy. You have every reason in the world to feel angry!

Have you tried a beginners alanon meeting? I just went to one on Sunday and I'm going back this Sunday. Beginners are just that, beginners on the road to recovery. There were some that have been there for a while, but most of us were relatively new to the whole alanon thing. I don't particularly enjoy it because it's always been impossible for me to break it down and show any vulnerability to anyone, so I just sit and listen and hope that eventually something will start working for me. Those that have been in it for a while swear by it, so there has to be something there, right?

TG, I am sorry that you have so much anger. I did too, and I still do, but it doesn't control my life anymore. I am a Catholic but I was pretty angry at God for letting him do this to me. As I felt I was a good person. I do understand the Alanon way. If my sponsor said to me to pray on it or I will pray for you, one more time I was going to scream. It is really hard to let go and let someone else controls things. As that is what I have had to do for a very long time.

I have a quote below that I read somewhere and I want to share it with you.

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be, at this moment.

This has nothing to do with God, but a lot to do with acceptance. Maybe once you stop fighting facts of your life you can make peace with in yourself.

(((((((((hugs))))))))))

Thanks. As I am learning in EMDR the way we often feel about our situation, or the negative self talk or anger we have are due to unprocessed memories. For me with PTSD those memories paralyze me. And I think that until I can get them processed I will always feel like this. Sigh. I just want to be done with all this. I don't want to be tethered to something that hurt me so much anymore, but I am to cowardly to pull the trigger.

Hi Terp,

This part is advice - if you feel like you aren't getting anywhere with your counselors I would address that directly with them and see what they say. Sometimes a therapist is just not going in the right direction because they don't know where you are, sometimes it is just not a good match, sometimes you need something different, sometimes you are on the cusp of some big movement and just need to hang in there. A good therapist will help determine which one you are in.

The rest is all just my experience and I'm not suggesting what you should do - just sharing some of my thoughts/personal experience after reading your post. I do not have PSTD etc so my experiences may not translate at all.

I loved the alanon materials and philosophy and read a lot of it and got a lot out of it. I was also frustrated with the 'don't make a decision right now' part of the meetings because I had already made a decision. That ship had sailed and I wasn't turning back. I continued with the meetings until I moved and than I stopped and did not go back. I can't say I missed it but I was not in the middle of the steps either. I've never done the steps. I don't know if I ever will. I have no plans to at this time.

I had similar feelings of anger and they were consuming me. Once I started making decisions and taking steps in the right direction for me - the anger started to go away. It was very cathartic. I was at war with myself and I was losing and the anger was a result of that.

I was also raise Catholic and had decided I was married and I was going to stay that way no matter what. I spent a couple of years googling and reading books on how devastating divorce was for children and everyone else and what I should do to STAY MARRIED at all costs. Divorce was simply not an option I had given myself. The anger and resentments toward my husband and myself grew. I came to my own personal bottom and I gave myself permission to leave when I felt I had no other choice. I thought it was going to drive me crazy - literally. It was hard. It was very hard. I do not regret it but at the time I needed the help of a counselor and SR.

I identify as an atheist now. That was a slower realization and it was not easy but it wasn't the bright burn that my divorce and recovery was either. It was a time of 'unrest' with myself though but I am at peace now. I think give yourself time to work through that question without pressure and you'll come to your own answers/place of peace.

I'm sorry you carry so much turmoil about your father's judgement. I have no experience there but it must be really hard.

Be kind to yourself. Give yourself permission to make whatever choice you feel is in your best interest. Take one step in the right direction. You'll know what your next step is and then the next and it may be nothing like what you thought it would be - and that is OK.

That was my thinking in the very beginning of my recovery because I had been raised “old school “ where God was a punishing God. God will get you if you lie, God will punish you if you steal. So of course my thinking was that I had done something so bad that God was punishing me by placing an alcoholic/addict in my life making me miserable.

Funny, that same God also put courage and strength in my soul so that I could jump off those tracks and away from the alcoholic/addict in my life any time I chose to.
Alcoholics/addicts don’t do what they do to us – they just do it because that’s what alcoholics/addicts do.

We have choices in life, yes, some of those choices are self-punishing and blaming God gives us an excuse to stay.

I DO think I'm getting somewhere with EMDR and I really feel in the end that this therapy will be what does it for me. The theories behind it just make so much damn SENSE. But it's hard and painful. I've been having a lot of nightmares but this is to be expected. When I told my psychiatrist about how I was trying this and having nightmares she said I had to have them because we process things in our dreams. She said, "honey, it's like getting a brazillian. It hurts like he'll but then it's over."

And yes, raised old school here too. And it's inextricably linked with my father's abuse. My brain just can't accept that God is vengeful and punishing and that I must have committed some horrible sin. There is a lot of vengeance and punishment in the Bible.

Terp,

You are a complicated case with EMDR, PTSD, a newer job, 2 counselors, etc.

Have you considered you are doing too much at once? Maybe you should let H recover. Just leave him be happily thinking all is hunky dory. He's not active and he's not hurting you by being ignorant of the long term impact of his behavior. I get your anger. Mine has yet to apologize. Sometimes I just want to smack him just for the H of it. I've got a resentment simmering like a special bloodflow beneath my skin. Only he seems able to trigger it.

Adjust to the new job and nightshift. Work EMDR and work through things regarding your father. Because I bet the stuff with your father impacts your feelings about your H.

The marriage can go on the back burner. Al Anon can go on the back burner if you are working with 2 counselors. Work the big picture stuff about you - work and your history. Keep a few things in your life stable, so you can take pleasure from a meal with H or a good night at work. Not everything has to go in the blender and whip on high.

TerpGal-

I have been in the place of which you talk about.

I have not done EMDR but a body centered therapy similar.

I had a love/hate relationship with this therapy for a long time. I could FINALLY feel something moving/changing in me, which I LOVED, but that change brought up a lot of thngs I had been unwilling to feel for some time.

I wanted to move faster through it so I could get through it....but was scared because of all of the emotions. It was a really confusing balance for me to put in place.

Meanwhile I also started Al-Anon and sometimes it felt like what I was learning there and what I was learning in therapy was counter-intuitive and I would get more confused, emotional etc.

I know this may sound silly, but I think you are in the perfect place at the perfect time. I needed a lot more time than 5 months to get my feet underneath me....a lot of my patterns had been in place since I was five years old.

I found that TALKING to my therapist about what was coming up in Al-Anon and in sessions was really helpful. I also found that it was really helpful to get some support from people who had experienced the type of therapy I do. It was amazing to find out that I was reacting/feeling pretty similar to them.

Finally I got educated about trauma work.....and guess what my behaviors were pretty normal considering the trauma I had (and I don't consider the trauma I had big T trauma but normal life stuff).

Good luck and congrats I think your recovery looks pretty amazing that you could write down what you did to start this thread and get support.

Have you ever heard of SMART Recovery Family & Friends?

"SMART Recovery Family & Friends is a science-based, secular alternative to Al-Anon and Johnson Intervention. Our method is based on the tools of SMART Recovery and CRAFT (Community Reinforcement Approach & Family Training)."

You can see if there are meetings in your area on their website or I think they may also have an online option

I just wanted to give you some cyber ((((hugs)))).

I think the anger is a good sign.

woah! I'm NO expert by any means... That said, I would like you to know that you are entitled to be angry. You are allowed to take as much time as you need to in order to heal. NO-ONE should be pushing you to do this except yourself! Wasn't that true for your RAH as he was recovering? It should also be true for you. Some serious stuff went down before this relationship, and because of this relationship, and it is okay to take some time with all of that. I can't stand it when I am expected to just get over something that happened last week or last month and am told "I am living in the past"...

Now, just recently I picked up a book called "The Power of Now", and it is teaching just that! To let go of the past because IT (the past) is not real... it is just the constant mumbling of my brain going on and on and on about the same things trying to find a solution to which there is NO SOLUTION. It is done. All you have is today. Now, exactly how you feel about your RAH today is something different. Anyway, there is nothing wrong with you for being unable to let go right this instant. That's just not nice.

Personally, I would take a step back from Al-anon, AND my RAH, and just do me for a while... Get back to being myself... Take care of myself!
Forget all of this for a while and take a step back and get your mind free and clear of this clutter so you can listen to your own spirit for a while. Don't give up. Pain doesn't last forever, and you will not die of it. Sorries...