Addicted to the Addict
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 149
I'm so sorry that you are going through such intense pain.
I understand...
I used to cry in the bathroom at work before going home...I was so afraid everyday of what I would find when I got home. I cried each time he went to rehab. I cried when he drank, I cried when he used, I cried when things were good (afraid of the impending let down) I cried and cried and cried. I cried when I left him.
It's been over a year and a half since I left him....guess what? I rarely cry now.
You WILL feel better.
It's like you have been poisoned and you have to get it out. Let it out, get rid of it. Purge.
Take the love you would normally pour out on him and lavish it on yourself. Imagine you were a friend to yourself...how would you respond if your best friend were in so much pain?
You CAN get through this.
I understand...
I used to cry in the bathroom at work before going home...I was so afraid everyday of what I would find when I got home. I cried each time he went to rehab. I cried when he drank, I cried when he used, I cried when things were good (afraid of the impending let down) I cried and cried and cried. I cried when I left him.
It's been over a year and a half since I left him....guess what? I rarely cry now.
You WILL feel better.
It's like you have been poisoned and you have to get it out. Let it out, get rid of it. Purge.
Take the love you would normally pour out on him and lavish it on yourself. Imagine you were a friend to yourself...how would you respond if your best friend were in so much pain?
You CAN get through this.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Originally Posted by Jodie77 
One of the reasons I'm crying so much is because I feel like it's my fault. Maybe if I had been more patient and not as angry he wouldn't have left me. That's what's killing me.
I still thought my alky's condition was my fault as recently as Thanksgiving.
As they say around here, more will be revealed.
Just work your program and keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 322
Jody, honey, I know where you are. It's so brutally painful and it feels like that pain is never going to release its grip on you. The abandonment, the guilt, the questioning about where you went wrong and what you could have, should have, done to make it work. The regrets, wishing beyond all hope that he'd just contact you and beg you to come back. It's still so fresh in my mind as well.
I'm just over a month out from leaving my ex-fiance and although, for the most part, that acute unrelenting pain has subsided, I'm still questioning and feeling guilty over it all. I still feel like if I was a better person, if I did more, if I accepted more and if I helped him more, he would have wanted to stop drinking and make the life with me that we wanted. I still feel tremendous guilt for leaving him. I still feel regret for making the decision to give him the ultimatum of either getting help and working things out or leaving. Although I left him in the end, it was only because I told him that he had to get help for his addiction. I wanted him to say he would and that we'd work it out, but he didn't Jody. He chose to leave and continue drinking. That absolutely shatters me into pieces when I allow myself to think about it too much. Thankfully, because of alanon and the wonderful people on this board, I've realized that it wasn't because he didn't love me, it's because he's an alcoholic and that's what alcoholics do. My ex was nowhere near ready to get a handle on his drinking and I knew that, but I still thought that our love would have been enough to make him wake up and do something so he wouldn't lose me. Nope. He left. And tortured me with texts ranging from "I love you and always will. I'm so sorry I dragged you through this hell. You have no idea how hard it is to live with myself from day to day" to "you had anger issues, I'm not taking the blame for this. I'm getting help now thanks to my family." Basically, back and forth from he's so sorry to it's all my fault and now that we're not together anymore, he's getting help. Then back to emotional, drunken apologies and back to blaming me.
I was angry too Jodie, how can we not be angry? Living with an addict/alcoholic is enough to make anyone angry! I wish I could tell you how to let go of the guilt, but I'm still trying to figure that one out myself.
I know I did as much as I could without falling down the hole with him. I reached down there as far as I could to help pull him out, but he just wouldn't come. He'd try here and there, but only half-heartedly and then he'd just fall right back down. It was either walk away or fall down it with him. I couldn't go down there. I knew that if I did, I'd never come back. It was like I did what I did because I knew I had to to save my own life. Doesn't make my guilt feel any less though.
I feel like I walked away from a desperate child that needed me - it's a horrible, guilt ridden feeling. But, he's not a desperate child. He's a grown adult that is making his own choices and I can't make those choices for him. I don't like it, but I can't.
Jodie, my ex drives drunk constantly. He's never gotten a DWI. He's had an accident (supposedly hit a deer, but I doubt that), but has yet to get nailed for driving completely inebriated on a weekly basis. I pray every single day that he doesn't kill himself or someone else. His drunk driving was a major factor in me ending our relationship if he didn't stop drinking - I lost my brother to a drunk driving accident and I can't be ok with that. He works with emotionally troubled teens! Can you imagine?! Besides a day off here or there to drink or nurse a hang-over, he'd make it to work every day. And, he'd have to drink a little just to function to go to work! Thing is, his tolerance and addition are so bad that him having a few shots of whiskey before work just made him "normal", not drunk. How nobody at his job sees this is beyond me, but I couldn't be a part of knowing what was going on. THAT guilt destroyed me inside. His entire family knows he's a severe alcoholic, but so is his father, so.... nobody does or says anything. Everything in that family revolves around alcohol.
I've questioned myself over the same things you're questioning yourself over, and sometimes I still do, but I KNOW.... I KNOW he's heading for destruction if he doesn't get help soon. To look at him, you'd never imagine what's going on under the surface unless you knew him well. He's well dressed, articulate, educated and holds an important job. How he maintains it all, I'll never understand. Knowing what I know from living with him, it seems impossible, yet, he does it somehow. I think they become very good at keeping up appearances....for a while. If they don't get help, I can't imagine the bricks not falling out one by one and eventually crumbling the wall that allows them, and those around them, to stay in denial.
Just hang in there Jodie - I know it's so hard, but you know. Deep down, you know and you're not wrong. Part of being tied into the addiction with them is denial. Don't deny. He is an addict. You deserve more.
I'm just over a month out from leaving my ex-fiance and although, for the most part, that acute unrelenting pain has subsided, I'm still questioning and feeling guilty over it all. I still feel like if I was a better person, if I did more, if I accepted more and if I helped him more, he would have wanted to stop drinking and make the life with me that we wanted. I still feel tremendous guilt for leaving him. I still feel regret for making the decision to give him the ultimatum of either getting help and working things out or leaving. Although I left him in the end, it was only because I told him that he had to get help for his addiction. I wanted him to say he would and that we'd work it out, but he didn't Jody. He chose to leave and continue drinking. That absolutely shatters me into pieces when I allow myself to think about it too much. Thankfully, because of alanon and the wonderful people on this board, I've realized that it wasn't because he didn't love me, it's because he's an alcoholic and that's what alcoholics do. My ex was nowhere near ready to get a handle on his drinking and I knew that, but I still thought that our love would have been enough to make him wake up and do something so he wouldn't lose me. Nope. He left. And tortured me with texts ranging from "I love you and always will. I'm so sorry I dragged you through this hell. You have no idea how hard it is to live with myself from day to day" to "you had anger issues, I'm not taking the blame for this. I'm getting help now thanks to my family." Basically, back and forth from he's so sorry to it's all my fault and now that we're not together anymore, he's getting help. Then back to emotional, drunken apologies and back to blaming me.
I was angry too Jodie, how can we not be angry? Living with an addict/alcoholic is enough to make anyone angry! I wish I could tell you how to let go of the guilt, but I'm still trying to figure that one out myself.
I know I did as much as I could without falling down the hole with him. I reached down there as far as I could to help pull him out, but he just wouldn't come. He'd try here and there, but only half-heartedly and then he'd just fall right back down. It was either walk away or fall down it with him. I couldn't go down there. I knew that if I did, I'd never come back. It was like I did what I did because I knew I had to to save my own life. Doesn't make my guilt feel any less though.
I feel like I walked away from a desperate child that needed me - it's a horrible, guilt ridden feeling. But, he's not a desperate child. He's a grown adult that is making his own choices and I can't make those choices for him. I don't like it, but I can't.
Jodie, my ex drives drunk constantly. He's never gotten a DWI. He's had an accident (supposedly hit a deer, but I doubt that), but has yet to get nailed for driving completely inebriated on a weekly basis. I pray every single day that he doesn't kill himself or someone else. His drunk driving was a major factor in me ending our relationship if he didn't stop drinking - I lost my brother to a drunk driving accident and I can't be ok with that. He works with emotionally troubled teens! Can you imagine?! Besides a day off here or there to drink or nurse a hang-over, he'd make it to work every day. And, he'd have to drink a little just to function to go to work! Thing is, his tolerance and addition are so bad that him having a few shots of whiskey before work just made him "normal", not drunk. How nobody at his job sees this is beyond me, but I couldn't be a part of knowing what was going on. THAT guilt destroyed me inside. His entire family knows he's a severe alcoholic, but so is his father, so.... nobody does or says anything. Everything in that family revolves around alcohol.
I've questioned myself over the same things you're questioning yourself over, and sometimes I still do, but I KNOW.... I KNOW he's heading for destruction if he doesn't get help soon. To look at him, you'd never imagine what's going on under the surface unless you knew him well. He's well dressed, articulate, educated and holds an important job. How he maintains it all, I'll never understand. Knowing what I know from living with him, it seems impossible, yet, he does it somehow. I think they become very good at keeping up appearances....for a while. If they don't get help, I can't imagine the bricks not falling out one by one and eventually crumbling the wall that allows them, and those around them, to stay in denial.
Just hang in there Jodie - I know it's so hard, but you know. Deep down, you know and you're not wrong. Part of being tied into the addiction with them is denial. Don't deny. He is an addict. You deserve more.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
Many thanks. I want to respond to all of you individually but I'm so upset. I've read everything you've said and you have no idea how healing this is for me. Thank you for sharing.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Jodie,
I keep posting this below, for all of us enablers. We need to take care of ourselves, as they can't take care of us, the way we deserve to be taken care of. I know he is doing great now, but believe me, it won't stay that way. It will only get worse. Go and read the A's forums and see what has happened to so many of them, its not pretty...
If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my a** to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ...
Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ...
The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for a while ...
I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out.. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ...
I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.
I keep posting this below, for all of us enablers. We need to take care of ourselves, as they can't take care of us, the way we deserve to be taken care of. I know he is doing great now, but believe me, it won't stay that way. It will only get worse. Go and read the A's forums and see what has happened to so many of them, its not pretty...
If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my a** to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ...
Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ...
The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for a while ...
I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out.. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ...
I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 135
Originally Posted by Needabreak
So he uses alcohol and cocaine to the point where you -- in your words -- have experienced five years of "empty promises, broken dreams, blame, projection, criticism, emotional and verbal abuse, and multiple abandonments from him...."
And you think you should have been more patient and not as angry? You think you're at fault here?
And you think you should have been more patient and not as angry? You think you're at fault here?
Jodie, you certainly are not to blame... anyone would become angry after being is this kind of relationship for so long. We become people we don't like because of how awful we are allowing others to treat us. He will always drive you crazy and make you insecure and paranoid. Do you want to live like that. Just because he's a functioning A doesn't mean a thing... Thats his fake persona, and you're getting the real him and anyone else that is ever with him will get the same. I know the it hurts, but you won't always feel this way and when you're away from it for a few months and feeling better you will realize how much unnecessary pain you were allowing yourself to go through. Hugs!!
aboutdone
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 191
I have spent a lot of time being angry, bitter & sad, but you know what? We have to get moving. We have to take care of ourselves the way we expected someone else to. While talking to BFF today who has been my God Sent through all this, I really grasped something. There is NOTHING wrong with expecting and wanting a healthy relationship, and not wanting games, manipulations and lies. There is nothing wrong with that at all. Sure, I yelled, screamed, pleaded, begged, bargained and cried through our relationship. You know what the good times were? The good times was when I sold out. When I lowered my standards. When I accepted less. When I crawled into bed with him and prayed God would let me just enjoy those few minutes without thinking of how he was lusting after others. Yeah. Those were the good times.
I can change me. I am changing how I respond to others but I am also learning to love me and never settle for less than what I preach. Integrity. Morality & Honesty.
I know that doesn't lessen the pain but seriously, give yourself a block of time to deal with your pain and then get moving. Rearrange the house. Lift weights. Do something physical, because it is easier to focus on a physical task & while you are, your subconcious will be busy still mending your pain.
I can change me. I am changing how I respond to others but I am also learning to love me and never settle for less than what I preach. Integrity. Morality & Honesty.
I know that doesn't lessen the pain but seriously, give yourself a block of time to deal with your pain and then get moving. Rearrange the house. Lift weights. Do something physical, because it is easier to focus on a physical task & while you are, your subconcious will be busy still mending your pain.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: FL
Posts: 97
I understand that pain. It is unbearable and unlike anything I have ever experienced before. You will come out the other side but it will take time of course. But in the mean time what can you do to alleviate the pain? Not make it go away entirely of course, that is not realistic, but just to alleviate it? Even just a little... I suggest thinking up some things. That helped me ALOT until I finished riding the wave.
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