Serenity Now....
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
Serenity Now....
After what has seemed like forever in getting over my attachment to my xabf, I have finally come to a point where I see the need he filled for me - and, see the person who he really is.
On NYE, I saw him and a friend at a party I was at. I watched as he was drunk out of his mind while she doted on him, followed him around and felt the need to make sure everyone knew he was hers (lucky girl!). I saw it clearly, because I've been that person.
I felt like they were avoiding me, and I didn't want the drama of having those uncomfortable feelings between us. As I left I saw the two of them and approached her (because he was the most pathetic, drunken person barely standing against a wall I have ever seen) and in a very sincere tone said I hoped it all worked out between them and I had no problems with it. It was very heartfelt and sincere and I felt like I'd made a huge stride.
I walked by him and said good luck - that he had her to take care of him and that I was out of the alcoholic babysitting service. Not my circus...not my monkey.
That. Was. That.
I get a message today from him telling me how he's upset that I talked to her and that she didn't do anything and didn't deserve what I said. That I've said things in the past that he hasn't said anything about, but this time he had to. He also got on me for comparing him to my last xabf.
I wrote back 3 times and erased each one. I called him out on his drunken antics, on his hatred of my xabf who I think he has a lot in common with which is why he despises him so. Can't see it in himself. I said a whole lot of things.
I erased them, because I don't want this drama.
Yet, I'm fuming inside. I'm tired of being misunderstood. I want to defend myself. I KNOW I didn't say anything bad to her, whatsoever. I'm so, so, so tired of going through this crap.
So, I'm here...in my safe place...venting. Feeling the internal stress and not wanting it. This stress is dangerous to my health. I already know that. I try and minimize it whenever I can. This is me reacting to what he said. But, it's hard not to react when he's attacking me...and, I know I've done nothing wrong.
No. Drama. Not my circus. Not. My. Monkey.
On NYE, I saw him and a friend at a party I was at. I watched as he was drunk out of his mind while she doted on him, followed him around and felt the need to make sure everyone knew he was hers (lucky girl!). I saw it clearly, because I've been that person.
I felt like they were avoiding me, and I didn't want the drama of having those uncomfortable feelings between us. As I left I saw the two of them and approached her (because he was the most pathetic, drunken person barely standing against a wall I have ever seen) and in a very sincere tone said I hoped it all worked out between them and I had no problems with it. It was very heartfelt and sincere and I felt like I'd made a huge stride.
I walked by him and said good luck - that he had her to take care of him and that I was out of the alcoholic babysitting service. Not my circus...not my monkey.
That. Was. That.
I get a message today from him telling me how he's upset that I talked to her and that she didn't do anything and didn't deserve what I said. That I've said things in the past that he hasn't said anything about, but this time he had to. He also got on me for comparing him to my last xabf.
I wrote back 3 times and erased each one. I called him out on his drunken antics, on his hatred of my xabf who I think he has a lot in common with which is why he despises him so. Can't see it in himself. I said a whole lot of things.
I erased them, because I don't want this drama.
Yet, I'm fuming inside. I'm tired of being misunderstood. I want to defend myself. I KNOW I didn't say anything bad to her, whatsoever. I'm so, so, so tired of going through this crap.
So, I'm here...in my safe place...venting. Feeling the internal stress and not wanting it. This stress is dangerous to my health. I already know that. I try and minimize it whenever I can. This is me reacting to what he said. But, it's hard not to react when he's attacking me...and, I know I've done nothing wrong.
No. Drama. Not my circus. Not. My. Monkey.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
personally I think you crossed a bit of a line there.....they steered clear of you, left you alone, and you went up to them and then made a rather snarky comment to her. I hope it works out and I have no problem with it?? they don't need your permission or blessing.
no contact would have looked different. you would have left without saying a single word. or upon seeing them present, left the party early. as it was YOU chose to engage......and now are dealing with the aftermath.
you still hold the key!
no contact would have looked different. you would have left without saying a single word. or upon seeing them present, left the party early. as it was YOU chose to engage......and now are dealing with the aftermath.
you still hold the key!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
This is me reacting to what he said. But, it's hard not to react when he's attacking me...and, I know I've done nothing wrong.
You are no longer with him so right now it's all about you and how you handle yourself and how you protect yourself from future contact with his person.
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
I always respect any advice I'm given on here...but, I admit, this isn't what I expected to hear.
I'm trying to see this other side you've presented to me, Anvil. I understand what you're saying...but, I feel otherwise.
I wasn't giving them my blessing as much as I was reinforcing to myself that I was okay with this. Maybe I could have done that silently, but that's not who I am. By verbally acknowledging this, I was saying their actions had no impact on me. It felt wonderful to see him be a mush of a man, and know I didn't have to take care of it.
For everything he's every said to me while intoxicated, I feel I have a right as well to say to him how I feel. Good or bad. I'm tired of it being okay for everyone else to be straightforward and forthright with him, but when I express something, it seems to be a different story.
Was I snarky? You betcha. But, not at her. It was a definite slam to him.
At any rate, I did what I felt I needed to do. And, I stand by that.
I'm trying to see this other side you've presented to me, Anvil. I understand what you're saying...but, I feel otherwise.
I wasn't giving them my blessing as much as I was reinforcing to myself that I was okay with this. Maybe I could have done that silently, but that's not who I am. By verbally acknowledging this, I was saying their actions had no impact on me. It felt wonderful to see him be a mush of a man, and know I didn't have to take care of it.
For everything he's every said to me while intoxicated, I feel I have a right as well to say to him how I feel. Good or bad. I'm tired of it being okay for everyone else to be straightforward and forthright with him, but when I express something, it seems to be a different story.
Was I snarky? You betcha. But, not at her. It was a definite slam to him.
At any rate, I did what I felt I needed to do. And, I stand by that.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
This is me reacting to what he said. But, it's hard not to react when he's attacking me
and IF you were truly NO CONTACT and IF you had his number blocked and IF you had not confronted them.....you would have saved yourself from the above....reacting, feeling attacked, etc etc. as it is he still gets to rent a big chunk of space in your life. which is absolutely your choice.
and IF you were truly NO CONTACT and IF you had his number blocked and IF you had not confronted them.....you would have saved yourself from the above....reacting, feeling attacked, etc etc. as it is he still gets to rent a big chunk of space in your life. which is absolutely your choice.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Originally Posted by itsmylifenow 
I always respect any advice I'm given on here...but, I admit, this isn't what I expected to hear.
I'm trying to see this other side you've presented to me, Anvil. I understand what you're saying...but, I feel otherwise.
I wasn't giving them my blessing as much as I was reinforcing to myself that I was okay with this. Maybe I could have done that silently, but that's not who I am. By verbally acknowledging this, I was saying their actions had no impact on me. It felt wonderful to see him be a mush of a man, and know I didn't have to take care of it.
For everything he's every said to me while intoxicated, I feel I have a right as well to say to him how I feel. Good or bad. I'm tired of it being okay for everyone else to be straightforward and forthright with him, but when I express something, it seems to be a different story.
Was I snarky? You betcha. But, not at her. It was a definite slam to him.
At any rate, I did what I felt I needed to do. And, I stand by that.
I'm trying to see this other side you've presented to me, Anvil. I understand what you're saying...but, I feel otherwise.
I wasn't giving them my blessing as much as I was reinforcing to myself that I was okay with this. Maybe I could have done that silently, but that's not who I am. By verbally acknowledging this, I was saying their actions had no impact on me. It felt wonderful to see him be a mush of a man, and know I didn't have to take care of it.
For everything he's every said to me while intoxicated, I feel I have a right as well to say to him how I feel. Good or bad. I'm tired of it being okay for everyone else to be straightforward and forthright with him, but when I express something, it seems to be a different story.
Was I snarky? You betcha. But, not at her. It was a definite slam to him.
At any rate, I did what I felt I needed to do. And, I stand by that.
I think it is admirable that you are standing by your choices. I often hear things on SR that I don't like. And it may not be true for you, but for me, I didn't really like them because what I was hearing was *probably* more on the marker than my own thoughts.
The nice thing about SR is people respect your choice to not agree. I really enjoy that because if I disagree with AH or my sister....oh it's on, and I'm gonna pay for it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
I've found it hard to walk the line of honoring myself and minding myself.
Before I act/react I'll try and see if what I'm about to do might have another agenda. I don't always know if there's another agenda since I've been doing it for so long.
In the end, when I start to wonder if I should honor myself or mind myself, it's best to mind myself.
Before I act/react I'll try and see if what I'm about to do might have another agenda. I don't always know if there's another agenda since I've been doing it for so long.
In the end, when I start to wonder if I should honor myself or mind myself, it's best to mind myself.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I see what you're saying itsmylifenow, and I understand your POV.
I'm also in agreement with the others that this qualifies as crossing the street to HIS side.
I think you were trying to create closure to the situation, but what you call "closure" they call "can of worms". Like you're trying to make them unwilling participants to your needs, in a way? If they had approached you, been contacting you or trying to drag you back into the hellfire with some kind of scene I could totally support what you did.
I think it was Lillamy that once posted, "with an active addict, you have to provide your OWN closure, because you won't get it from them"...or something similar... it resonated with me because I think even in the case of a recovering addict you have to provide a certain amount of closure yourself because you just can't rehash every little thing & I can't afford to let those little hurts become resentments.
((((HUGS))))
I'm also in agreement with the others that this qualifies as crossing the street to HIS side.
I think you were trying to create closure to the situation, but what you call "closure" they call "can of worms". Like you're trying to make them unwilling participants to your needs, in a way? If they had approached you, been contacting you or trying to drag you back into the hellfire with some kind of scene I could totally support what you did.
I think it was Lillamy that once posted, "with an active addict, you have to provide your OWN closure, because you won't get it from them"...or something similar... it resonated with me because I think even in the case of a recovering addict you have to provide a certain amount of closure yourself because you just can't rehash every little thing & I can't afford to let those little hurts become resentments.
((((HUGS))))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I wish I could tell you what I would have done in your situation, but honestly? I'm pretty sure that if I walked in to a function where my ex was (with or without a new woman), I would have run out faster than The Flash. Even if there was free food (which I never turn down).
So I guess what I'm saying is -- I kind of get your attitude of wanting to show that you have moved on enough to be OK with being in the same space. That it was sort of taking a stand by staying and not leaving. And I think acknowledging the new woman was something you might have needed to do for you.
I don't think I could have managed to keep it as civil as you did, crossing the line to his side of the street or not. I think I understand what you did, and why. And while I can see what others are saying about "crossing a line", at the same time, I can't help but feel like saying "attagirl, you held your head high and did what you needed to do for you, and **** his reaction."
So I guess what I'm saying is -- I kind of get your attitude of wanting to show that you have moved on enough to be OK with being in the same space. That it was sort of taking a stand by staying and not leaving. And I think acknowledging the new woman was something you might have needed to do for you.
I don't think I could have managed to keep it as civil as you did, crossing the line to his side of the street or not. I think I understand what you did, and why. And while I can see what others are saying about "crossing a line", at the same time, I can't help but feel like saying "attagirl, you held your head high and did what you needed to do for you, and **** his reaction."
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
Thanks for the input, everyone 
As an update....he clarified his comment to me. He wasn't upset that I wished them well. He wasn't even upset that I said she was there to take care of him and I was done with that. Don't think he even remembered the monkey/circus comment.
No.
His problem? Was that I had said the new woman was his GF. She didn't deserve that?? Geez to be recognized as an important person in someone's life? Yea. I could see that's something to get upset about. Actually, it's him that has a problem with it. He freaks out at the thought of having a gf...of being committed.
Anyways, it was once again the usual situation with him. He drinks and gets on FB and starts sending messages that the next day he's apologizing for.
It is NOW time to block him on FB. The only reason I haven't before this was because I honestly enjoyed getting a message where he told me he still loved me every once in awhile. But, I admit, it messed me up every time he did. 2015 is not going to be that year where I stay in a wrong relationship or continue with these games.
And, all these other messages do is get me all riled up. I don't need that either.
As an update....he clarified his comment to me. He wasn't upset that I wished them well. He wasn't even upset that I said she was there to take care of him and I was done with that. Don't think he even remembered the monkey/circus comment.
No.
His problem? Was that I had said the new woman was his GF. She didn't deserve that?? Geez to be recognized as an important person in someone's life? Yea. I could see that's something to get upset about. Actually, it's him that has a problem with it. He freaks out at the thought of having a gf...of being committed.
Anyways, it was once again the usual situation with him. He drinks and gets on FB and starts sending messages that the next day he's apologizing for.
It is NOW time to block him on FB. The only reason I haven't before this was because I honestly enjoyed getting a message where he told me he still loved me every once in awhile. But, I admit, it messed me up every time he did. 2015 is not going to be that year where I stay in a wrong relationship or continue with these games.
And, all these other messages do is get me all riled up. I don't need that either.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
My sister always likens talking to my alcoholic mother and codie father as a lesson in futility. There could be a bunch of bananas sitting there and you say "Bananas!" and they scream back, "Apples!" And no matter how many times you say "Bananas!" because you are right, they are always going to scream back "Apples!" Whenever I get the urge to talk some sense to my parents, I say to myself, "Apples/Bananas!" and I decide to stay surfacy in conversation.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by DoubleDragons
My sister always likens talking to my alcoholic mother and codie father as a lesson in futility. There could be a bunch of bananas sitting there and you say "Bananas!" and they scream back, "Apples!" And no matter how many times you say "Bananas!" because you are right, they are always going to scream back "Apples!" Whenever I get the urge to talk some sense to my parents, I say to myself, "Apples/Bananas!" and I decide to stay surfacy in conversation.
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