Why are addicts so fickle? Constant yo-yo!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
Why are addicts so fickle? Constant yo-yo!
The human yo-yo. As previously mentioned I'm back after 2 years of not being on this site. I foolishly went back to my Abf and got drug through (no pun intended) the mud for an additional 2 years before he decided to dump me...again. The last time he dumped me we were engaged (he took the ring back) because he was using opiates. As of late it's just been alcohol and cocaine. Five years of this.
I have so much running through my head I feel crazy. I can't sort through all of the pain and emotions...and abandonment. I'm going to an Al-anon meeting tonight.
I just want to vent again and get support. The thing that is so excruciating for me to wrap my brain around is the sudden abandonment; he's also bipolar (but medicated). He is such a likable person-- gregarious, fun, articulate, giving, charming, successful etc. At other times he's the devil. No empathy, selfish, spiteful, threatening, childish, vindictive, unpredictable, aloof.
He just told me 2 days ago that he could never live without me, that he will always love me, that I am the one for him, that he could never be without me, etc. We later got into a huge fight about something and he turned stone cold and said how he isn't happy, we fight too much, he's never stopping drinking, we both deserve better, and told me his therapist said something was wrong with me. So he dumped me cold turkey.
My question in this long winded post is why are they so fickle?? Why are they one minute in love, the next minute dumping you, then wanting you back and begging for you only to dump you again? What is going on here?? Ive been down this road with him for 5 years on a yo-yo, back and forth. Advice? Please.
I have so much running through my head I feel crazy. I can't sort through all of the pain and emotions...and abandonment. I'm going to an Al-anon meeting tonight.
I just want to vent again and get support. The thing that is so excruciating for me to wrap my brain around is the sudden abandonment; he's also bipolar (but medicated). He is such a likable person-- gregarious, fun, articulate, giving, charming, successful etc. At other times he's the devil. No empathy, selfish, spiteful, threatening, childish, vindictive, unpredictable, aloof.
He just told me 2 days ago that he could never live without me, that he will always love me, that I am the one for him, that he could never be without me, etc. We later got into a huge fight about something and he turned stone cold and said how he isn't happy, we fight too much, he's never stopping drinking, we both deserve better, and told me his therapist said something was wrong with me. So he dumped me cold turkey.
My question in this long winded post is why are they so fickle?? Why are they one minute in love, the next minute dumping you, then wanting you back and begging for you only to dump you again? What is going on here?? Ive been down this road with him for 5 years on a yo-yo, back and forth. Advice? Please.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Seems to be the mode of operation of an alcoholic.
I love you, come here, now go away
Active addicts are very emotionally immature, while they may possess passion, they have no way of controlling themselves. Just as none of them seem to have a mouth filter, they simply cannot control their emotions. and while intoxicated the level of drama increases, endless cycle, lather, rinse, repeat........
I am not going to ever know why they do the things they do, and neither will you sweets. So do the next best thing and start taking better care of yourself, and meeting your own needs.
Educating myself about the true nature of this beast has saved my sanity. It's really all you can do. Once I truly understood what I was up against, healthy life choices become clear.
I love you, come here, now go away
Active addicts are very emotionally immature, while they may possess passion, they have no way of controlling themselves. Just as none of them seem to have a mouth filter, they simply cannot control their emotions. and while intoxicated the level of drama increases, endless cycle, lather, rinse, repeat........
I am not going to ever know why they do the things they do, and neither will you sweets. So do the next best thing and start taking better care of yourself, and meeting your own needs.
Educating myself about the true nature of this beast has saved my sanity. It's really all you can do. Once I truly understood what I was up against, healthy life choices become clear.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Addicts use substances to avoid dealing with emotional pain. So they never learn to process it in a healthy way. How can someone empathize with how someone else is feeling when they are so busy trying not to feel anything themselves?
I had to to let go of the expectation that an active addict was even remotely capable of being a healthy partner in a relationship. My expectation (and therefore my resentment and disappointment at his failure to live up to my very very unreasonable expectation) was just as much my problem as his drinking.
I too spent a lot of time and energy trying to figure out why my XABF did what he did or said what he said. Now I can see that I wanted answers about HIS behavior so I could figure out a way to FIX it. I was also willing to pour all that time and energy into figure out someone else's motives when I very frankly should have been looking at my own.
There is a reason that we stay with people who treat us terribly. I was not able to figure that reason out until I stopped asking "Why does he do that" and started asking "Why do I?"
I had to to let go of the expectation that an active addict was even remotely capable of being a healthy partner in a relationship. My expectation (and therefore my resentment and disappointment at his failure to live up to my very very unreasonable expectation) was just as much my problem as his drinking.
I too spent a lot of time and energy trying to figure out why my XABF did what he did or said what he said. Now I can see that I wanted answers about HIS behavior so I could figure out a way to FIX it. I was also willing to pour all that time and energy into figure out someone else's motives when I very frankly should have been looking at my own.
There is a reason that we stay with people who treat us terribly. I was not able to figure that reason out until I stopped asking "Why does he do that" and started asking "Why do I?"
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 138
Jodie, when I first came to this forum I asked exactly the same and was full of so many questions as lots of people are in what is such an emotionally challenging (understatement) situation.
I cannot and would not dream to sit and preach to anyone as I am still in contact with mine but I can tell you it's always a similar story from my experience and what I have read of others and exactly like Marie said I love you, come here, now go away (however this is a more polite way than they might put it).
Constant hot and cold- and all when it suits them, their mood, their wants and needs, and their feelings (or lack of as the case may be)- but what about you? What about your wants, needs, feelings? Well sadly they never have and never will be a priority of any kind of concern for someone in active addiction, that's the sad and harsh truth. So you have to make those things your priority.
Like people have said and like they told me when I asked the same- the why doesn't matter- take it for EXACTLY what it is- someone talking to and treating you like ****! Don't make it any more over complicated than that. Does he have a right to do that- NO! Do you allow him to- maybe? Not as I am saying it is your fault but you have to decide that you deserve better, and you do believe me!
You could spend the next 5 years on his roller coaster of love and hate OR you could spend the next 5 years learning to love yourself, seeking the company of others who love you, and finding a partner that truly deserves you.
I cannot and would not dream to sit and preach to anyone as I am still in contact with mine but I can tell you it's always a similar story from my experience and what I have read of others and exactly like Marie said I love you, come here, now go away (however this is a more polite way than they might put it).
Constant hot and cold- and all when it suits them, their mood, their wants and needs, and their feelings (or lack of as the case may be)- but what about you? What about your wants, needs, feelings? Well sadly they never have and never will be a priority of any kind of concern for someone in active addiction, that's the sad and harsh truth. So you have to make those things your priority.
Like people have said and like they told me when I asked the same- the why doesn't matter- take it for EXACTLY what it is- someone talking to and treating you like ****! Don't make it any more over complicated than that. Does he have a right to do that- NO! Do you allow him to- maybe? Not as I am saying it is your fault but you have to decide that you deserve better, and you do believe me!
You could spend the next 5 years on his roller coaster of love and hate OR you could spend the next 5 years learning to love yourself, seeking the company of others who love you, and finding a partner that truly deserves you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 306
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
Addicts use substances to avoid dealing with emotional pain. So they never learn to process it in a healthy way. How can someone empathize with how someone else is feeling when they are so busy trying not to feel anything themselves?
I had to to let go of the expectation that an active addict was even remotely capable of being a healthy partner in a relationship. My expectation (and therefore my resentment and disappointment at his failure to live up to my very very unreasonable expectation) was just as much my problem as his drinking.
I too spent a lot of time and energy trying to figure out why my XABF did what he did or said what he said. Now I can see that I wanted answers about HIS behavior so I could figure out a way to FIX it. I was also willing to pour all that time and energy into figure out someone else's motives when I very frankly should have been looking at my own.
There is a reason that we stay with people who treat us terribly. I was not able to figure that reason out until I stopped asking "Why does he do that" and started asking "Why do I?"
I had to to let go of the expectation that an active addict was even remotely capable of being a healthy partner in a relationship. My expectation (and therefore my resentment and disappointment at his failure to live up to my very very unreasonable expectation) was just as much my problem as his drinking.
I too spent a lot of time and energy trying to figure out why my XABF did what he did or said what he said. Now I can see that I wanted answers about HIS behavior so I could figure out a way to FIX it. I was also willing to pour all that time and energy into figure out someone else's motives when I very frankly should have been looking at my own.
There is a reason that we stay with people who treat us terribly. I was not able to figure that reason out until I stopped asking "Why does he do that" and started asking "Why do I?"
thank you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 306
Jodie77,
You have 5 years in.
I have 20. 20 years. Mostly wasted. Now I'm in my 40s looking back on so much time spent being miserable, depressed, anxious, paranoid, jealous, angry, ect....
And stop wasting your precious energy trying to figure them out.
Simple answer is they are sick.
Please don't waste any more years, take care of you.
You have 5 years in.
I have 20. 20 years. Mostly wasted. Now I'm in my 40s looking back on so much time spent being miserable, depressed, anxious, paranoid, jealous, angry, ect....
And stop wasting your precious energy trying to figure them out.
Simple answer is they are sick.
Please don't waste any more years, take care of you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
I am really struggling tonight. He has moved on with plans of having our house built but now it's in the neighborhood with my ex husband. I am sobbing in pain. This is agonizing. He has walked away unscathed and seems to feel "free" and at peace now while I'm left picking up the pieces in indescribable pain.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I know how tempting it can be to ascribe an ex with a carefree, perfect existence after a break-up, but please be gentle on yourself. He's still him. You don't know what he feels or thinks and you just torture yourself when you fill in the blanks with your imagination. Try to focus on how you feel, not how he feels. Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
SparkleKitty nailed it.
My version goes something like this.
Over the years I realized that the story I wasn't paying attention to was the one about me and my sickness.
Why couldn't she stop drinking? Why was she so mean to me? Why did she start drinking again?
Then I moved to this phase and it was a paradigm shift.
Why did I always react the same the way? Why did I always get the same reactions from my RAW? Why did I keep doing the same thing over and over again?
Why?
I was insane. I was just as sick in my own head as my RAW was with her drinking disease. I hear people calling it all kinds of things. Doesn't matter to me. I was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. That's insanity and it took a long time for me to start getting better and I still revert back to it during a "crisis".
These days, I try to put the "why" question only on me and my actions and behaviors and thoughts. Why? Life's so much easier for me when I'm quiet in my own head. I get to watch myself. This is not the same as the reactive madman I used to be and things are much different now. Every once in a while I'll take another step back and watch how other people reacted to my lack of reaction.
Game Changer!
Thanks for reading.
My version goes something like this.
Over the years I realized that the story I wasn't paying attention to was the one about me and my sickness.
Why couldn't she stop drinking? Why was she so mean to me? Why did she start drinking again?
Then I moved to this phase and it was a paradigm shift.
Why did I always react the same the way? Why did I always get the same reactions from my RAW? Why did I keep doing the same thing over and over again?
Why?
I was insane. I was just as sick in my own head as my RAW was with her drinking disease. I hear people calling it all kinds of things. Doesn't matter to me. I was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. That's insanity and it took a long time for me to start getting better and I still revert back to it during a "crisis".
These days, I try to put the "why" question only on me and my actions and behaviors and thoughts. Why? Life's so much easier for me when I'm quiet in my own head. I get to watch myself. This is not the same as the reactive madman I used to be and things are much different now. Every once in a while I'll take another step back and watch how other people reacted to my lack of reaction.
Game Changer!
Thanks for reading.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
