spedteach

Hi everyone-

How many of you got a sponsor in Al anon? I'm struggling with finding someone who A. Has been there long enough or consistently enough and B. finding someone whose close enough in to my age or dealing with a similar situation. There are a lot of parents at my meetings and they can relate but can't relate to being the spouse of an A, if that makes sense. Plus, we have a lot of snowbirds and I don't want someone whose leaving for the next 4 months as a sponsor. Do I need to feel rushed to get one at this moment in time?

The people I have connected to the most are in about the same spot as I am, so I know that would be just silly because they are also so new!

thanks so much!

Hangnbyathread

Good post. When I went to Al-Anon I was the only male there, aside from the organizers/leaders. And of those only two were male. There were like 50 females and me.

Both of those males were RAC's. They finally assigned me Bruce. Nice man of I'd say mid 60s. Could be my dad. His wife left him years before due to AC, and his son was a current AC. He truly meant well, but he had little to no experience with anyone that had reached the Detachment phase without the Al-Anon steps used. I was already there by the time I went to Al-Anon. We both tried to connect, but I found him asking me more questions about Detachment, than I found myself needing to ask him about my recovery.

I'll summarize the ending by saying, I just felt like we weren't a good match and I had no other choices as the rest were all females. And it is apparently a taboo notion that sponsors can be of different genders, so we all wished each other the best.

Stung

My sponsor approached me, she's old enough to be my mom (she has kids who are a year older and a year younger than me), and she has LOTS of qualifiers none of which are her ex husband and my only qualifier is my husband. All of that said and she's an awesome sponsor. She gets me, she's very supportive and our personalities are similar enough that she calls me out on my ******** in a loving way.

Maybe you're asking for too much in a sponsor?

ETA: Sponsorship for the sponsor is beneficial and part of the program too. I have no problems exercising boundaries with her and I think it helps her program a lot in dealing with her AS. She likes the way that I use the program in my everyday dealings, which is why she wanted to sponsor me in the first place. I had a share about how the program helps me not nit-pick whether AH puts DD3 on timeout for 2 minutes versus 3 minutes. Lol After that she approached me and said she wanted to sponsor me. I think similar personality and the way the other person utilizes the program in their life are the most important factors. Not age or type of qualifier.

lillamy

My sponsor was a few years older than me but her situation was different -- I had an AH, she had a son who was an addict. We started talking and it sort of morphed into a sponsorship situation. She had a few more years into Al-Anon than I did. She really "got me" and understood that working through the program is a very individual pursuit, and that gentle reminders worked better than pushiness when it came to encouraging me to move forward.

I don't have a sponsor now -- she moved and we drifted apart, but I will always be grateful for the gentle guidance she provided.

Programmatic

The sponsor I have today has very, very little in common with me at all except gender. The thing is I can hear him with my heart more clearly than most. I learned that finding a sponsor is about listening with my heart because looking with my eyes and thinking with my brain only elucidate the differences that will always be found.

The most important thing is that I have and that I use a sponsor and not so much who my sponsor actually is. Also, I have observed that it is highly advisable that the sponsor candidate have a sponsor themselves.

Shellcrusher

+1

I'd add:
Nothing wrong with getting a Temp sponsor. That at least gets things going. Keep in mind that sometimes they may not be right for you and you may not be right for them.

Trust in that heart and pray for it to happen.

WMJ1012

Spedteach
Pray and ask God for help. Ask to be sent a sponsor who can work with you and you with her
Then stay open
Listen for people who transmit a solution like an energy that speaks to your soul

Also pay attention to what's going on once you start working with someone
Are they kind? Loving? Tolerant?
Do they refuse to "fan" your illness? (This is good)
Do they keep their commitments?

Alternately, if there's stuff that doesn't sit right with you, ask them about it. If it doesn't change, move on and keep trying. Keep praying and asking HP for help, even if you have no understanding of God or think you're not being heard.

If you are willing, HP will not let you down.

walkinganewpath

Thanks for all the info on sponsors. I've been tossing the idea around and paying attention to the women in my two groups. Interestingly there are several that I really am pulled towards. And amongst them they are all different from each other as well as different from me.

I'm not rushing the process just waiting and asking for guidance from HP.

spedteach

Thanks for the responses. So far, in my 2 groups, I think the reality is, I'm just not drawn towards any of the other people there. I will pray on it and see if that helps.

I'm not taking this sponsor thing lightly and I don't think I'm asking too much of a sponsor because I know what I DON'T want or need. The ladies at my meetings all seem to just want to be a little to lectury for me and expect others to work the program the way THEY would. That's not what I want, nor what I need. I will keep on observing and see what happens.

CodeJob

Pray about it walking, and you'll figure it out. I worked up to the beginning of step 4 with just meetings and SR. Then I started praying and my sponsor popped into my meeting. We have nothing in common but she is perfect for me. Her Q is her dad (mine h), we are maybe 20 years a part?, she is Jewish (I'm not), she has been in Al anon since 1987 (I am not real big into meetings but am doing the steps). But she has been perfect for me.