I need help with my adult son

Old 01-07-2015, 05:13 AM
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I need help with my adult son

Yesterday was my son's 25th birthday. He lives in my house rent free. I drive him around, because he doesn't have a license. He is a chef and has 2 jobs, both of which are in the city and we live in the suburbs. He has a 5 yo daughter that doesn't live with us. He used to get her once a week. For the past several months, it's been once a month or less. He doesn't pay child support. He does pay his multiple fines.

I've told him before that if he gets drunk to the point of hurting someone, namely me or my other son, or destroying the house, he has to go. Last night he got that drunk again. He put a dozen holes in the walls of my basement, where he is living. When I tried to stop him, he started threatening me. My other son got him calmed down.

I can't handle this on my own. I can't live with him anymore. Yet, I don't have the strength for tough love and I worry about where he would go. He's alienated family and most of his friends. When he was younger I sent him to a boot camp, a half-way house, AA, Drug & Alcohol clinic and general counseling. He's been in jail for alcohol and drug related offenses more times than I care to count. I've tried to get him to get help when he's sober. He doesn't drink everyday, but when he does drink, he binges and often can't control himself.

I know that I'm a big part of the problem by letting him live here for free, providing him food and transportation to and from work. I also know that I need help in dealing with this. I no longer have the strength to deal with this.

A bit about me ...
I've been a single mom for 18 years. My son's dad moved out of state and started a new family. Other than a few visits and phone calls, he's not in the picture. 11 years ago I was diagnosed with a disabling illness. I've been in and out of the hospital and it's all I can do to keep going from day to day. We live in a house that used to be nice. It's getting destroyed. I've lost all of my friends, because they couldn't stand to see what I go through with my son. My family lives far away, except for my elderly mother who needs her own help. I'm her care giver.

I've got to get him out of my house. I can't help him anymore. I don't know where to turn. I don't know who I can call in my area that can help. I just know that I can't do this on my own any longer.

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Old 01-07-2015, 06:09 AM
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I am sorry that's read you are going through so much. It sounds like you really do need to evict him. He is an adult he should be supporting himself. You might want to call your local domestic violence hotline. They may have support services for you.

In the meantime. Your son could be considered a tenant even without paying rent. If I were you I would write him an eviction notice and mail it to him registered mail, return receipt requested. That will get the ball rolling to get him out.
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Old 01-07-2015, 07:26 AM
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redroses...I think that the idea of mailing him the eviction notice, as happybeingme described, as the first step is a good idea.

I have no idea where you live...but, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline and describe your situation, confidentially. They can recommend the legal folks that you can talk to you regarding all the legal issue surrounding your situation. After he is gone...you are going to need to keep him gone...and they know the best ways of accomplishing this.

Step 2...you, evidently live near the city..so there should be alanon meetings. Please begin to go, right away. You really, really, are going to need emotional support. This is harder on you than him.....he is young and he is capable to taking care of himself, if he is required to.

You could also benefit from a few appointments with an alcohol counselor--someone who k nows this disease and the right things to do for your son (and, how to do it).

Other sources of help....Church, private counseling for yourself, (SR forum..LOL!), county social services, salvation army, etc.

As a m other who has had to put her son out---I can tell you that the most important thing for you to do is to get help for yourself.
Resist, at all costs, to cave to "mother's guilt".
Even though it is natural...it is NOT indicated here...and it will hurt the both of you. do not feel guilty!

I have, yet, to see an alcoholic recover while living in their mother's home. But, I sure have seen a passel of alcoholics living in their mothers' basements....LOL!

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Old 01-07-2015, 07:29 AM
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I have nothing to add to Dandylion's hard-earned wisdom. I just wanted to send you lots of love.
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Old 01-07-2015, 08:04 AM
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Dandylion,

That is a LOT of wisdom packed into a few words. I can't thank you enough. It sounds like you've been through the wringer, too, as I am sure that everyone else here has been.

I first posted in the New Members section of this forum and the advice that I got there was for al anon. There is a meeting tonight and I'm going.

I don't think I'm going to have to go through legal means to get him out. At least not yet. I said to him "I can't do this anymore" and he replied "So, I'm out." I said yes. We've had many, many talks before today. It is one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make, but I know it's the right one. I agree that I'm going to need a ton of emotional support and counseling to get through this.

Even though he accepts that he is moving out, it won't be until he actually does that reality will sink in. I've decided to give him until his next day off, which is this weekend. If he doesn't move by that day and doesn't decide where he's going, I'll give him a choice of committing himself to a halfway house or jail. He's been to both of those places, so my guess is that he'll find a place, most likely a friend's couch.

If he does persist, I do know how to file a restraining order. I've had to do that in the past, but not for family. I'm so hoping it doesn't come to that.

Right now I feel so very broken.
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Old 01-07-2015, 08:25 AM
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Hi redrosesdz,

You have set boundaries and he has crossed the line, the time has come for you to stick to your boundaries and for him to move. Do NOT beat yourself up over this, it was his choice to drink, damage the house and threaten his mother and there have to be consequences for his actions.

If you allow him to stay, you are enabling him. Please, consider the damage that he is doing to your other son and yourself by acting this way and follow through. Do not help him financially either as this will also be enabling him. He is a grown man and needs to experience the reality of his bad behavior.

I'm very sorry that you are going through this but stay strong Mom! Al Anon will show you some answers so I hope you make it there asap.

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Old 01-07-2015, 08:30 AM
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I too think you have gotten good advise and just wanted to let you know I am here, reading this, supporting you.

Much love coming your way!!!!
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Old 01-07-2015, 08:33 AM
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Originally Posted by redrosesdz View Post
Yesterday was my son's 25th birthday. He lives in my house rent free. I drive him around, because he doesn't have a license. He is a chef and has 2 jobs, both of which are in the city and we live in the suburbs. He has a 5 yo daughter that doesn't live with us. He used to get her once a week. For the past several months, it's been once a month or less. He doesn't pay child support. He does pay his multiple fines.

I've told him before that if he gets drunk to the point of hurting someone, namely me or my other son, or destroying the house, he has to go. Last night he got that drunk again. He put a dozen holes in the walls of my basement, where he is living. When I tried to stop him, he started threatening me. My other son got him calmed down.

I can't handle this on my own. I can't live with him anymore. Yet, I don't have the strength for tough love and I worry about where he would go. He's alienated family and most of his friends. When he was younger I sent him to a boot camp, a half-way house, AA, Drug & Alcohol clinic and general counseling. He's been in jail for alcohol and drug related offenses more times than I care to count. I've tried to get him to get help when he's sober. He doesn't drink everyday, but when he does drink, he binges and often can't control himself.

I know that I'm a big part of the problem by letting him live here for free, providing him food and transportation to and from work. I also know that I need help in dealing with this. I no longer have the strength to deal with this.

A bit about me ...
I've been a single mom for 18 years. My son's dad moved out of state and started a new family. Other than a few visits and phone calls, he's not in the picture. 11 years ago I was diagnosed with a disabling illness. I've been in and out of the hospital and it's all I can do to keep going from day to day. We live in a house that used to be nice. It's getting destroyed. I've lost all of my friends, because they couldn't stand to see what I go through with my son. My family lives far away, except for my elderly mother who needs her own help. I'm her care giver.

I've got to get him out of my house. I can't help him anymore. I don't know where to turn. I don't know who I can call in my area that can help. I just know that I can't do this on my own any longer.

As the mother of 6 boys ages 9 - 21 years old. I am going to give you the hardest advise to hear.

Kick him out of your house!

I had to do the same thing with my 2 oldest boys (alcohol & drugs). They will find their way. I guarantee it! They can either choose to sink or swim, but either way they can't take you with them. My boys decided to swim. I think yours probably will too. But you will NEVER know because you are doing everything for him. You need to protect your other son and yourself.

You can do this. I promise. He will thank you for it in the end.
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Old 01-07-2015, 08:34 AM
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redroses....as you get support from others who have walked in your shoes....you will get a lot more clarity and feel more at peace with your decisions.
I am so glad that you are going to alanon, later. good move!
Don't forget that there are so many other sources for the practical issues that you may face, with him.

This doesn't have to destroy your life. (or his, either).

dandylion
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Old 01-07-2015, 01:21 PM
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it's actually quite ok to EXPECT a 25 year old person to be self sufficient and living on their own. as it is, he's still getting treated like he's a 14 year old - lives rent free, at home, and has mom drive him around. so you could see this "transfer of residence" as a good and positive thing. a rite of passage, vaulted into adulthood.

he'll survive. you may not like his choices, in fact you may HATE them, but they will be HIS CHOICES. if he wants to punch holes in walls, he can do so to HIS walls. if he ends up in jail, his problem. if he loses a job, his problem.

if between now and the time he leaves, he becomes violent and threatens you IN YOUR HOME, call the police. don't give him special treatment, hold him to the same rules and standards and laws that the rest of us abide by.
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