Back after 2 years. So embarrassing I fell for it again!

Old 01-06-2015, 05:43 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
Back after 2 years. So embarrassing I fell for it again!

I came to this site in 2013 desperate for answers, insight, and support. You all were a wealth of knowledge, love, and empowerment after having been dumped by my drug addict/alcoholic fiancé. I got myself into Alanon, read Codepenent No More, was in therapy, and I was healing. And then...he came back.

He was crying the blues, tail between his legs, going back to rehab, vowed to never hurt me again, and so the story goes. That was 2 years ago. And it's been hell.

For the last 2 years he has been to rehab twice, relapsed both times, and I've been standing by his side like an idiot. I now have invested 5 years in this man and I got dumped again. This time I was dumped because of my "anger issues." I do have to admit I am furious, fuming, angry, and rageful. I now throw things at him, break things, call him horrible names, and I retaliate. Big time.

I have 5 years of pent up anger due to: empty promises, broken dreams, blame, projection, criticism, emotional and verbal abuse, and multiple abandonments from him. Just to add here: this man is fully functioning, owns his own very lucrative business, is extremely attractive and well liked, has 3 children he puts through extremely expensive private schools, has all the material possessions you could want for and never misses a day of work. His excuse to me is "so what if I drink at night or during the weekends. So what if I do blow on the weekends. It's not a big deal. I run a company. I take care of my kids." I'm starting to think he is right. Maybe it ISN'T a big deal that he drinks or uses cocaine at 42. He's right in that it doesn't affect his career or children, etc. Maybe I'm just too sensitive or self righteous?

The latest was he sold his house so that the 2 of us could buy a home together; he also took out a 20k loan to get a reversal because he has a vasectomy and I am 37 and want a child of my own. This man is Greek and moved in with his mother while the home we were going to buy is being built. He cancelled his reversal as a result of my blowing up over something. I have been losing wads of hair as a result of stress.

He dumped me 2 days ago saying, "You're just too
weak right now and you're losing hair. We make each other miserable. You need help. I'm never quitting drinking because it's not a problem. If you would have just shut up you would have gotten everything you wanted. We make each other bad people by being together. Please get help."

Will someone, anyone make sense of this to me. Maybe it IS me and his issues aren't that severe. He has his entire Greek family enabling him and basically calling me crazy because I have a temper now.

Just need clarity because I am absolutely rocked and heartbroken. He was so cold and emotionless about breaking up with me like I meant nothing after 5 years.
Jodie77 is offline  
Old 01-06-2015, 07:02 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
killerinstinct's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
He sounds like a real narcissistic psychopath with no empathy what's so ever. I would throw things at his head too if he did that too me, I would be a viper if he did to me what he did to you. He sounds selfish and that's what addicts are... Sorry but he doesn't care about you only when he is lonely or bored ... You deserve better I know it hurts i have been where you have been but dating him sounds like a death sentence
killerinstinct is offline  
Old 01-06-2015, 07:26 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
Killer,

Thank you so much. His father is a diagnosed narcissist and left both of his wives and also abandoned my Abf when he was a child. He swears he hates his father and is nothing like him but I see very similar personality traits now.
Jodie77 is offline  
Old 01-06-2015, 07:27 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
LemonGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Well Jodie, I can't say I am all for the anger and throwing things... I have an ex who was verbally and mentally abusive, and had a speed addiction behind my back for the first two and a half years of our relationship, and though he got clean, his behavior never changed. Anyway, he is now married with another child on the way and my daughters visit every other weekend only to have to sit and witness their fights. And they are worse than if ever was between him and I because of who I chose to be about it. NOT that that made any of it any easier... but it's just not in me to act that way is all. I can't say I was or am all wise about these situations either, but I know two things:
One, you are allowed to feel what you are feeling.
Two, you are both to blame. Him for his behavior, and you for your reaction. I wouldn't even beat yourself up for your choice to stay with him because you truly believed at some point that there was real love there and that it is never a waste, in my opinion. It's not your fault, or any of us for that matter, that you chose to stay with him because if we were attracted to healthy people, that love would be valid and true. All we can do is try to equip ourselves with the tools to stop falling into these traps. At least, that is what I am learning anyhow...
LemonGirl is offline  
Old 01-06-2015, 07:30 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
kittycat3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
I'm really really sorry Jodie. Sounds like you've been through the ringer.

I know you desperately want to make sense of it. How about this: You have dodged a major bullet. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off. Your whole life is ahead of you if you want it. Give yourself time to heal from the hurt for sure, but do not look back.
kittycat3 is offline  
Old 01-06-2015, 07:32 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
killerinstinct's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
Spot on Jodie he is a carbon copy of his dad
killerinstinct is offline  
Old 01-06-2015, 07:40 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
He threatened to slice my tires before my flight, he threatened to send videos of is having sex to my mother, he sent me derogatory photos of myself with degrading images over them, he has blackmailed me, also texted my friends things I said about them in confidence.

These are just some of the things he's done. And it's why I have rage now.
Jodie77 is offline  
Old 01-06-2015, 07:43 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
killerinstinct's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
Wow you really should go to the police he has all power over you and is dangerous for even thinking that way ... Please take my advice before it's too late and get the police involved .. You need to scare him so he stops threatening you
killerinstinct is offline  
Old 01-06-2015, 07:46 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
I called the cops recently and now he hates me for it and said "I'm not a bad person! I will never get over you calling the cops on me like I'm such piece of trash." It's another one of the reasons he dumped me. He said "we all say things to push each other's buttons when we are mad; you know I don't mean any of it."

I feel like I'm always in the Twilight Zone
Jodie77 is offline  
Old 01-06-2015, 08:02 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
kittycat3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
Rage is understandable. I hope you walk away from this guy, is that your plan? Even if he dumped you, I have no doubt he'll be back sometime.
kittycat3 is offline  
Old 01-06-2015, 08:21 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
Kitty,

Thank you for your support. I need all the positive thought and prayers I can get because I need the strength to never go back!!!
Jodie77 is offline  
Old 01-06-2015, 09:02 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
Jodie, that guy is scary and nuts. Run and don't look back! Go no contact and get yourself a therapist, you need a safe place to talk about it all. This place is great but face-to-face with a professional could be a lifesaver. Good you called the cops! Better that he dumped you!! You dodged a huge and awful bullet.

I was dumped by my "soul mate" and lived not only to tell about it but to be ECSTATIC and hugely grateful about it. Not at the time of course. But in the long run.
53500 is offline  
Old 01-06-2015, 09:13 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 135
Originally Posted by Jodie77 View Post
Just to add here: this man is fully functioning, owns his own very lucrative business, is extremely attractive and well liked, has 3 children he puts through extremely expensive private schools, has all the material possessions you could want for and never misses a day of work. His excuse to me is "so what if I drink at night or during the weekends. So what if I do blow on the weekends. It's not a big deal. I run a company. I take care of my kids." I'm starting to think he is right. Maybe it ISN'T a big deal that he drinks or uses cocaine at 42. He's right in that it doesn't affect his career or children, etc. Maybe I'm just too sensitive or self righteous?
Sorry you're having a hard time, Jodie. I don't intent to come off harsh, so please don't take it that way... but who cares if he's a "functioning alcoholic" ... and has money to send his kids to private school and lives a comfortable life, or is good looking! Life is too valuable to be with someone that makes you miserable. He will never make you happy or any other woman that he's in a relationship with. Apparently, Its either you live by his rules or go away. Don't waste another 5 years with this man.
I understand the rage you have towards him... being in a relationship is extra hard with someone that doesn't bring out the best in us. Never let anyone get comfortable disrespecting you! He knows he has a problem otherwise he would of never went to rehab, but now he is telling you he doesn't have a problem??

I know its so hard when you feel like you have invested so much time into someone... but from the sounds of your past two attempts with this man, it doesn't seem like it will ever get better. Third time won't be a charm! Stay strong and give him a punch to his ego by walking away and showing him you have more self respect for yourself and can go on with out him!! Good Luck!!
Cleo1234 is offline  
Old 01-07-2015, 02:44 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
Seren's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi Jodie, it sounds, from what you are describing, that this has been a very toxic relationship. Perhaps this split is a blessing in disguise. I wish you every peace and joy as you heal from all of this!
Seren is offline  
Old 01-07-2015, 03:16 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Sober since 10th April 2012
 
FeelingGreat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
He sounds like a spoiled little boy. Now concentrate on not taking him back. Look after yourself, your dreams and financial welfare. Sure you've wasted time with him, but there's still plenty left; just don't hang around. Get away as fast as you can, and don't look back.
FeelingGreat is offline  
Old 01-07-2015, 03:22 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Welcome Jodie. I'm glad you're back here, but sorry that you're in such a toxic, unhealthy situation.

There is much support available for you from people who really do understand. Your recovery is possible no matter what happens with him.

The nation abuse hotline is 1-800-799-7233
The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support
Local resources are available too, often with support groups and/or individual counseling.

The hardest thing is often reaching out for help, which you're already doing with being here. Picking up the phone, walking through the door... those are other healthy steps. It Is worth it. You deserve happiness. You are worth it! The rage is natural yet is hurting you instead of him. It's okay to start your own healing.

(((Hugs)))
Mango blast is offline  
Old 01-07-2015, 05:14 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
Thank you everyone. I so appreciate the support. I feel so abandoned by him.
Jodie77 is offline  
Old 01-07-2015, 05:50 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
From what you say, he is a very dangerous man. Google "Mosaic Threat Assessment" and you will find an on-line confidential questionnaire that is used by police departments, including the US Capitol Police in Washington D.C. to assess the potential of violence.

He is scary. He is threatening retaliation that is vindictive, illegal and unbounded. Calling a domestic violence help line will help you find a safe way to exit from this relationship.

And find some therapy for yourself with a therapist knowledgeable about domestic abuse victims. He has intruded deeply into your psyche, to the point of changing your behavior, and you need to get him out of your head. You need to return to your own code of behavior, reinstall your own limits on what you see as legitimate responses to stress and anger.

I went through a 20 year marriage with a husband who ended up alcoholic, porn addicted, narcissistic, sadistic and punitive. I let him isolate me and began to function within the orbit of his dysfunction. Now, two and a half years later, with lots of therapy and even more self reflection, I am free each day to be myself and grow into the best I can be. That is waiting for you, too.

We're here with you, and support you fully.
ShootingStar1 is offline  
Old 01-07-2015, 07:51 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
hopeful4's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am glad you are getting away from him. He is toxic. Material posessions don't mean much when the rest of life is awful. And as far as the reversal, well, my sister's husband has his V reversed. Spent $20k. Still did not work.

Thing is, you deserve happiness and a baby with someone who will love, honor, and protect you. Not this man.

Tight hugs.
hopeful4 is offline  
Old 01-07-2015, 08:06 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 138
Hi Jodie, so sorry to hear your painful story.

I can connect with your description of how you rage and feel so angry and have behaved in what almost seems like a crazy way as I too became like this. The fact is I am not crazy and nor are you but when in such a toxic and insane environment it is easy to lose ourselves and what we believe is right or wrong behaviour, and how we may have always behaved suddenly changes and this can be really scary.

I have always been some what hot headed but never to the point of physical acts, screaming and shouting and throwing things but I saw all of these things come out of me in the course of my relationship and more frightening not just towards him, but to a lesser extent towards others too. I felt like I had turned into some kind of crazy monster being in such a toxic relationship and environment. He had been brought up in a world where this kind of thing was the norm and a fairly commonplace way of communication but I hadn't, yet sadly I was slipping into it almost like it was. And it scared me. That's not who I am, and I'm sure that not who you are too but our emotions become so unmanageable this can happen.

Similarly, although I never met my partners dad I do believe from what I heard he was some what of a narcissist and these were traits that my partner had inherited, or grew up around and believed to be normal, but they were far from normal. Abuse is far from normal.

I too dealt with him sending vile and abusive messages of a personal nature to family member, constant threats and manipulation and had the police involved several times in the course of our relationship. This again is not normal behaviour but was the behaviour of a man trying to control and manipulate me through fear, if I wanted to walk away or had had enough his ego was bruised and he would lash out like a child. It's so very wrong.

It's not a question of whether you are too sensitive and self righteous it's simply that this person has and does behave in a way that is not good for you, or anyone for that matter, and you have both emotional and now physical proof of that. Whilst with my partner I lost so much weight, I would constantly feel ill, I got a trapped nerve, problems with my mouth and teeth, all these kinds of things can happen anyway but are so much more likely in such a high stress environment.

I'm so sorry you are hurting and I know it is so much more easier said than done but for the sake of yourself you need some distance between him and you, take care of yourself and try to figure out what is really best for you. I know it also seems like a waste when you have been with someone, taken them back, put so much more time and effort in but if you get out now then it will be painful but you won't have to look back in another 5 years time, potentially in a worse mental and physical state.

Sending you strength, you deserve so much better than this x
Jane11 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:41 AM.