amy55

I wrote up a whole response to you, and it went "puff" into the air, perhaps it will show up later, perhaps not.

I'm just going to say that you found family and friends that really care about you. You couldn't find a better group then us no matter how hard you try.

So as a new friend to you and perhaps a mom like figure, I want to just say, JUST STOP IT. We love you here. We want to be with you on your journey. We care about you.

I want to disagree with your entire post. You are not stupid. That's how I felt also. People do love you and care about you and the children. You became part of our family whether you like it or not. We care.

(((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))
amy

redatlanta

FTS - What you are going through is very confusing and quite taxing emotionally. You aren't a loser. You are trying to make changes. Change is hard.

My advice - I think your RAH (term used loosely) is blame shifting in a way. He is using your sister and her actions 2 years ago to get the spotlight off himself. This is a common tactic of an A, and why I question his recovery process. Just looking for a way to get you wrapped up in defending her, defending yourself blah blah blah.

You know I don't think I would answer his questions pertaining to your sister and tell him as much. What you are doing while he is in rehab is none of his business, and if he was really into the program he wouldn't be calling you so much to paster you to find out when the last time you was you went to the bathroom, and what you are cooking for dinner among other needless information he seems to be interested in.

I also think it would be worth your time to contact a confidential DV councilor and have a chat with them. This would be something just between you and them. I think it could help you with further interaction with this man.

Sorry ou are having to deal with all this. Please don't leave the forum. We are here to support you!

happybeingme

Free- you certainly are no loser. Unfortunately, there are millions of beautiful smart women like you all over the world who are in abusive relationships. Your situation just happens to have the added element of alcoholism. So, you are dealing with two challenges at once. Do not feel bad. It happens. But, you know it now, you have dozens of friends here and we have your back whatever you choose to do.

Please don't leave. And never forget you are loved.

Mango blast

The problem isn't you. (((Hugs)))

God loves you as you are.

Simple as that. It was astounding to me to finally realize that since I'm worthy and valuable to Him, what I feel about myself isn't as important. My own unhealthy thoughts are transformable. There is no right or wrong to it, only awareness and opportunities for growth.

All emotions are okay to have and inner turmoil is okay to feel.

Baby steps. Easy does it. One day at a time. One moment at a time.
All the sayings that used to annoy me, at some point in time became freeing.

When there's nothing to hold on to, it's okay to let go.

freetosmile

Thanks so much. I am at my boiling point and I'm melting.

I also found a domestic abuse forum last night...wow. All the stories just brought back so many memories. Memories of the ex and the A. It was almost too difficult to introduce myself..but I did and got some remarkable replies.

It just it hard to realize, ok hey this is an ABUSER as in RARELY TO NEVER GOING TO CHANGE. It's like something you see on a Lifetime movie, and it's happening to ME.

Maybe I'm too close to all the BS to see the progress.

I hope today goes better. I'm supposed to do my 4th step with therapist today. I don't really know if I'm good to do that today. My self-esteem has taken a total dump lately.

Not going to answer the phone today. And there is an al-anon meeting tonight. I will go there for sure.

thanks again.... I feel like a big fat jerk and I'm not sure why. I'm smarter than this. (I think)

Hawkeye13

It sounds like the velocity of this is just too much right now.

free, maybe you should call AH's therapist, tell him how many times he's been calling you and that he is trying to control you remotely,
and that you want to go NC for the rest of the time AH is in rehab, or at least limited to a short call every few days.

I really think you need some mental rest and processing time.
Too much information, ya know?
It will sort itself out, and you are doing a fantastic job, but
this is very very hard stuff you are dealing with and maybe you need to go a bit slower
if you are feeling bad about yourself, etc.

Just a reminder:
You've done nothing wrong.
You are doing the best you can for you and your kids.
We support you no matter what you choose or how fast / slow you go.
It will be OK in the end. You are aware and working on it.

Tight hugs

P.S. I think you are really smart. And a good writer too

Fandy

I don't see you in a negative light at all. the only jerk is the one that calls you 10X a day, really to make the most inane statements and ask questions that have NOTHING to do with his own recovery or dryness.
(maybe you want to ask the rehab center to restrict his calls as they are not helpful) i am no expert but should his contact be limited to an extent, he seems to have an awful lot of time to fritter away.

You have been very proactive and are moving forward not backward, you need breathing room for more than the time he will be away, i hope you do not get sucked back into his vacuum that made you feel upset and question yourself. You need your focus on finishing school to get your license and get into a better wage bracket. You need a circle of friends you can talk to FTF (although the people here do count)...and you have to guide all the kids in the right direction too.

That's a pretty full plate without the AH stomping around throwing a tantrum about your shirt, pants, sister, etc. he needs a mute setting.

FireSprite

Free - I only know you from reading your posts here but I can tell you that you are Strong, Capable, Smart, Funny & Loyal.

Don't get discouraged with the ups & downs that you'll experience on this journey. I kid you not - I was JUST thinking last night about how insane it is that one minute I feel great, on top of the world & then less than 24 hours later I'm trying to scrape my self-esteem up off the floor. It is unpredictable but as you develop tools to help deal with it all, it gets easier & more short-lived. I still go through extreme highs & lows, but they don't catch me as off guard as before & I can work through them more purposefully.

Hang in there, you really ARE doing phenomenal at this Recovery Thing. The fact that you're doing all that you are, keeping your sense of humor & caring for FIVE children in the process is applaudable!

FireSprite

Oh - and I TOTALLY agree with the others that your A's abuse HAS to stop. I'm sure his therapists are supporting his POV based on what/how he shares with them (he is likely awfulizing what he shares & painting himself as a victim in situations like his issues with your sister), but there's' NO doubt that this is controlling manipulation on his part.

You NEED some quiet time without his abuse to get your bearings.

hopeful4

Oh no you don't. Free, you have been here long enough to realize you may hear some stuff you don't care to hear. It's hard, but it's truth.

I agree that I question his rehab and whey they are allowing so much phone contact. My X did that when he was in rehab and it drove me nuts. But my little codie self felt I had to answer each call, what a mistake.

Honey, if your child is old enough to drive to her aunt, she is old enough to make her own boundaries. And old enough to decide who she wants in or out of her life. Don't let him try to control you through the kids. That is a form of abuse.

We love you here. I do think you should be working steps and focusing on you, and I hope SR continues to be an outlet for you.

Tight hugs my friend. I know it's a hard time, and things are being revealed that are difficult to see. We are here with you, always.

freetosmile

I am making a mute button. I will call his T today too. I am waiting for a call back on the legal advice for the kids.

I am scared that I am going to cave. I know I need to get away from this person. I am always so obsessed over his reaction to everything and I let it play over and over. And I feel the overwhelming urge to make a move- and do it quick before he comes home. But then I'm like ok free just wait and slow down. I don't know which is the best. And either option requires me to be steadfast. Guess I don't trust myself enough at this point and have so much self-doubt. I am so glad I have counseling AND al-anon today. Thank God, really. Plus, it will get me out of this damn house.

I know there are millions of women AND men being emotionally and verbally abused. BUT there are millions who are NOT and are living happy lives with their spouses or by themselves. That is the category I want to be in. I look at a lot of you and your SOOOO healthy! I want that. And I do really feel like that old saying "if your not going to leave, then just shut the hell up already"
I don't even feel right giving advice on this forum because I'm such a wreck, it's probably not a good idea coming from me....

But today is a new day.

Thanks for everything SR folks. All you guys have been really supportive and kind.

FireSprite

Free - it my a long time to trust my instincts again once I started recovery. I was so wishy-washy on everything because I'd gone so long in a dysfunctional state, letting HIS needs/emotions control my own.

When my RAH was in jail & calling me, hostile & upset because I wasn't jumping up to help him out of his self-inflicted crisis I learned a very important lesson: HANGING UP THE PHONE.

Every time he raised his voice. Click.
Every time he called me a name. Click.
Every time he DEMANDED something of me. Click.
Every time I just didn't like what he had to say. Click.
Every time I heard tone in his voice. Click.

If I didn't feel up to going through that determination but the phone was ringing? Oh, musta been in the shower, sorry.

That quiet time helped me SO much. It stopped more negative BS from getting thrown directly at me & gave me longer periods of respite to get stronger. Try it. Click.

dandylion

freetosmile...beware of looking at other peoples' OUTSIDES with your INSIDES. Your conclusions will be inaccurate almost every single time.....LOL!

Also, I caught you talking about yourself in negative self talk on one of your posts. I told you that I was going to keep my eye on you...!

No negative self talk....words are sooo powerful.

You are going to feel better after your meetings today....Just getting o ut of the house will feel good....

dandylion

redatlanta

No none of us are perfect by any stretch.

Most of us know the feeling of wanting something else, and the inability to be able to make the move. Fear, worrying about repercussions, and the never ending merry go round of wondering if the A is finally going to get it together.

You are correct abusers are hard to retrain.

Good luck today with your meetings!

lillamy

I wish I had hung around here and talked to people when I was wondering which route to take. I isolated myself -- partly because I didn't like the advice I get, partly because I didn't feel like I belonged because, well, abuse that I didn't want to talk about...

Surround yourself with support, in whatever form it may come. It's a tough journey but you can make it. And you're not alone.

Refiner

FTS please don't be so harsh on yourself. I humbly admit I had gotten very frustrated with you early on. But I have watched you grow... and grow and GROW in a VERY short time! You're right... maybe it's not totally "the alcohol's fault" and he's just a d*ck *ss abuser. I think it's both and the alcohol maybe exacerbates the abuse but there's still abuse. And with him not physically being there to control, he's trying to control from a distance. I can't believe how far you've come with your strength and your faith. You truly are AMAZING!!! And you are doing so well with what you've been up against and keeping all the kids together (and the dog! mentally through his BS. You are very allowed to feel frayed at the seams. You have been through A LOT. And you definitely belong here! I think all of us have been through that wringer a time or two... maybe not the exact same things, maybe not to the same extent, or maybe to even more extent... but we're all in this to help, love, and support one another. Hang in there and we'll be by your side every step of the way if you'd like through this journey.

Turtle82

FTS, I haven't read the whole thread but enough to understand your "confusion." While I certainly don't condone drunken behavior, I do actually sympathize or empathize with your sister. I think she's been watching you being controlled for a long time and is super angry with him as a result because she can't bring herself to be angry with you for letting him do what he does. Actually, in my humble opinion, she sees him for just what he is and probably drinks more around him trying to control her anger but it boomerangs. Frankly, I see him as both wanting to isolate you and get you away from the one person who really sees the real him. As I said its just my opinion. I wouldn't help him out. I wouldn't isolate and I wouldn't cut contact with my sister. I'm a RA and though, when we're drinking, we DO have some screwed up viewpoints, not ALL of them are. Emotions are tuff for us and we medicate them. Its really, really, tuff to stand by and watch someone we love being abused. I think you've got, oh, what is that phrase?, but the abused person's syndrome. For now, trust the one person who has watched everything unfold to where it is today... your sister who loves you. And keep coming back here, being so open (big kudos on that) and going to whatever other sites you think can help. Its good to not put all your eggs in one basket. You need as many caring people around you as you can get... online or not. I hope I've driven home the idea that the worst thing you could do now would be isolating.... that just helps him... not YOU. Take care of YOU.

freetosmile

Thanks a million for all the replies- while I know it's "our job" here on SR to bring each other up.... I know that I can frustrate the hell out of people. I know this because I frustrate myself and I have answered (internally) some of the questions posed about "what would you say if this was your daughter?" I know exactly what I'd say!! So I do understand and I take no offense.

SparkleKitty

FTS, the good thing about this anonymous internet site is I can really practice letting go of my imagined responsibility for other people's feelings. If people get frustrated, it's their frustration to deal with. It's your time and space to ask questions and explore on your own behalf. Embrace it!