Still Enabling AS-but getting better.

Old 01-06-2015, 12:19 PM
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Still Enabling AS-but getting better.

I have not posted for awhile (actually forgot how to do it) My AS son has spend over 2 years now, in and out of Sober Homes, in-patient 4x heroin od's and not to mention manipulating me. I finally started therapy, and going to al-a-non. I am getting better. My AS has a court date on January 8th, and it will result in probably a 2 week stay on a PTR. AS is currently at a hotel (cheap) because it is very cold until court on the 8th. I spoke with his P.O. yesterday, and she said, "I don't know why you would put him in a hotel so he can drink." I felt like crap after she said that to me, as if it is MY fault that he is drinking. He can drink anywhere, at home, at a sober house, on the streets, and a homeless shelter. Nothing will stop him, unless he wants it. But, I cannot cope with him being on the streets when it's -15 or 20 wind chill. I made it clear to him, after jail, he will have no where to go. I intend to follow through. My ex-husband happens to be out-of-town, and his wife (stepmother) is whom I am communicating this too. Step Mom has said, also, why is he in a hotel? Well, she won't allow him to stay at her house while his dad is out of town. I feel beaten up upon. I can't imagine exposure to bitter cold and being drunk. Am I crazy to do this for him?
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Old 01-06-2015, 12:25 PM
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You know what, you are his mom. I understand why they are saying what they are saying, however, I also understand why you are doing what you are doing. Question, can he stay at any shelter or anywhere else instead?

Ultimately it's your choice what you want to do. It's great you are getting help. Don't let other people make you feel to blame b/c you definitely are not. If he were to say with his father that would be even more enabling. It's a lot easier to say leave them out in the cold when it's not their child. I cannot even imagine.

Tight, tight hugs to you.
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Old 01-06-2015, 12:27 PM
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I have no idea if you're crazy to be doing this for him.
I know that enabling alcoholics prolong their problem.
I also know that it's one helluvalot harder to detach from and stop enabling a child than it is a spouse.

I'm not judging you at all for putting him in a hotel. I would probably have done the same thing myself. Is it the most helpful thing for him? That, I'm not sure of. Maybe freezing and having to haul to a homeless shelter (where he won't be allowed if he shows up drunk) would be a good wakeup call. It's possible. But I also know I probably wouldn't have it in me to put one of my kids through that if I could avoid it.
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Old 01-06-2015, 12:38 PM
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Enabler...it is very hard for a mother to think of her child out in well below sub-zero temperatures. Very hard.
It is very hard for others--who are not the MOTHER...to comprehend this. If it were their child..would they be so willing to do the same?

Mind you..I put my own son out o n the streets...to be homeless, if that is what he chose over drinking. But, it wasn't sub-zero temps. He could sleep under a bridge or go to a homeless shelter if need be.

I would think that whether a homeless shelter, from the extreme elements, is available is the real question here? I do know that sometimes an alcoholic will not use the shelters--as they are not as free to drink, there. Many would rather sleep on the streets than give up drinking privileges.

I think the whole big picture has to be considered in any particular situation.

I would say...do the best you can for the welfare of your child. It can be a living hell for the mothers of addicted children. To those who are giving you a hard time--disregard their comments about you. They have no right to judge you. They are not standing in your shoes.

Lest anyone think that I have gone "soft" on boundaries---I haven't. I just can't let any human being die of exposure, dehydration or hunger (on humanitarian grounds).

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Old 01-06-2015, 04:27 PM
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It can be a living hell for the mothers of addicted children

Thanks for the support. It is a living hell, and I am getting much better. It's hard, awful work. It is -25 wind chill tonight, all CPD schools will be closed, I am sure suburbs as well. Exposure can happen in 1 minute. I did wish him a happy birthday today. I do realize this is not helping him. All the shelters are full, I wouldn't trust him to even go to one. I have driven him to shelters before, and he has refused. When he is out of jail, he will have no other options. Sometimes, I just don't understand how this works: al-a-non suggests letting go no matter what. Hospitals and treatment centers won't release him, unless he has an address to go to (malpractice reasons) and if on probation, they want an address, (in case of a warrant) and then I am told not to help him. I can't wrap my head around this sometimes. I know people in al-a-non and families anonymous are not alway perfect. Thank you for all your understanding .
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Old 01-06-2015, 08:33 PM
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Well, I did make a big mistake of putting him up in a hotel. His stepmom went to hotel to bring him food, and fond him incoherent and trashed room vodka bottles all around. She is inferring it is my fault. My AS is not allowed at their house, given that it is dangerously cold, and shelters full, I put him in hotel. Hotel does not have booze, nor does AS have any money. She took him to ER and his bac was .480. He has court date on the 8th, and I know this is his way to avoid jail, and continue drinking. This is such a circus. I know I must not have any contact w/him. I have blocked his cell calls many months ago. I should cancel his service as well. Thank god, I have therapy tomorrow! Won't an alcoholic find booze anywhere, anytime, regardless of where they live? Even in a homeless shelter?
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Old 01-07-2015, 07:55 AM
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Yes, they will find a way to get booze. It may be harder, but they will do it.

And this is NOT your fault. Last I checked you were not there dumping Vodka down his throat. You were trying to keep him from freezing to death. The vodka was his choice, not yours.

I am glad you have therapy. It's so hard.

Tight hugs.
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Old 01-07-2015, 08:27 AM
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Enabler....I know that we mothers feel so guilty and bad most of the time, anyway...so, it is hard to shrug it off when others throw criticism o ur way. Because, for one thing, it confirms our most secret fear..that it is our fault in the first place!
Mother bashing has been a part of our culture.

It looks like you HAVE taken measures to avoid enabling. Some situations are very difficult to know where the line is. It just isn't always clear and easy..as I well know. Those who think it is are probably not mothers of an addict.

Enabler....you are going to have to grow a thick rhino skin.....!


enabler..I don't quite get that getting dangerously drunk is going to help him avoid jail (you said that this was his his l ine of thinking..?)

Yes, they can get booze anywhere if they want to. In a homeless shelter they can test them if they appear intoxicated and turn them away. This is why a lot of alcoholics don't want to go to the shelters. (not all shelters are alike, by the way).

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Old 01-07-2015, 12:42 PM
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Thank you. I just got home from hospital, where he was admitted yesterday with a BAC of .480, I pick him up tomorrow to go to court. I so hope he goes to jail, I have never thought I would want jail, but now I think it will buy him some more time.
End of the road for me for enabling.

Thanks.
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Old 01-07-2015, 01:04 PM
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It's amazing, isn't it? When you really HOPE that someone you love will go to jail? Because maybe, just maybe, it will at least break the running and gunning cycle just for a moment. Yeah, been there...
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Old 01-07-2015, 02:12 PM
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Enabler, I completely understand h ow you feel. Jail may be the best option for him, right now. At least, it will give him some time for his brain to begin "drying out".
It will also give you some breathing space---knowing that he is, at least, "safe" for a while.
He has to experience the conse
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Old 01-07-2015, 02:19 PM
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Enabler, I understand how you feel. At least, in jail, he would have some time for his brain to "dry out" somewhat. He will have pleanty of time to reflect, also.

It will give you some relief. At least you will know that he is "safe" while he is there.

I will be thinking about you, tomorrow.
I hope you can come and let us know how it goes tomorrow.

You are not alone.

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Old 01-07-2015, 03:54 PM
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Thank you~ My oldest son will be coming with me to pick him up from hospital. After his release, I will not pick him up from jail. My counselor mentioned that I was doing well, and it is a process to let go, even if it takes a few years. I just could not believe that my son was so, so sick. He was drinking hand sanitizer, and vanilla. Nitro balloons. Now, I am ready to surrender. Whether he dies, or not, I can't control. I love reading "Today A Better Way." And having this site.
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Old 01-08-2015, 10:18 AM
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Just sending you love, serenity and strength today. I hope you redirect all that energy you spend trying to take care of him, back to taking care of you. YOU deserve it. YOU need it. (((BIGHUGSTOYOUTODAY)))
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Old 01-08-2015, 11:44 AM
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Enabler. You made the best decision you could as a mother.

Peace.
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Old 01-08-2015, 12:01 PM
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The hand sanitizer I have heard of, but vanilla?? Never heard that one.
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