Getting my Family on The Same Page
 

Hi Everyone,

I've finally hit my breaking point. I found a new house that I can move to Feb. 1. After him leaving me for weeks at a time to stay in a hotel to be drunk, I have to go.

Here is my situation...We own a home together, however, I am the only one on the loan. He's had 6 years to get his crap straight and get on the loan, too, but hasn't done it. But, I don't care anymore and I can't wait anymore. I'm leaving him everything. I don't want to be here. This used to be my dream house, but now it's my prison. I hate it here with him. If he screws me over, then I'll sell the house or rent it out. I honestly don't care anymore.

I haven't told him yet that I found a place. He's on a business trip with my brother. My Mom is staying with me right now and she keeps talking about how great my home is and that she doesn't think I'll leave. My kids say the same thing and my sister is pushing me to stay.

The new place is on a farm. It has a ton of animals and tons of space for my dogs. It looks peaceful and that's all I want now. It will put me back financially for a little bit, but I don't think I have a choice. I'm so tired of it all. The drama, the hopelessness, the stress. I just can't do it and I KNOW that this will be the rest of my life if I stay.

I need you guys to remind me why I have to go.

I guess I need encouragement because I'm not getting that from my family.

Put your home up for sale and move forward in the life you deserve. You deserve a life of happiness and peace.

You can do this.

XXX

I have a very hard time not giving advice... so I'll ask a question: Have you consulted a lawyer about your rights regarding the house? If you are on the loan alone, does your A have any rights to it?

You deserve a life without alcoholism. You have a right to a life without alcoholism.

You know you need to go. I am not going to talk you out of that. However please let my logic play out a little in HOW you go about leaving.

This part right here we need to take some pause on. Let's work with worse case scenarios here. AC usually forces us to live in these areas in our lives. Can you get into the new place and qualify for the loan at your present financial situation? If the answer is yes than this helps a LOT. You can move, and walk away from the other obligation. You most likely won't get his help in keeping it alive and if you can't rent it, lets assume it will foreclose. As long as you are in your new place, making payments, they won't take issue with the other loan going into default. Your credit will get whacked pretty good, but you have a safe place to live and as long as you keep that going, the rest will heal in time.

Now a better outcome.

Give him the house when you file. You are still legally obligated to pay the loan regardless. However the family courts aren't the same as the civil courts when it comes to financial obligations. If he is living there and you are not, you petition the courts that he be responsible for the house he lives in and you be responsible for yours. Its his house until the asset split is determined. That is generally going to be considered fair. He may at that time say he can't afford it, you argue you can't afford both nor should you be obligated to both, and the courts will then say OK then he move out. You are the only one on that loan and that will take some priority in decision making for the courts. Giving you control over what you wish to do with it then. Hope for that outcome, work towards that outcome, plan for that outcome, but don't bet on it. You never know what the courts will decide, and there is never a sure thing when it comes to a judge and attorneys.

Meanwhile and separately, save the payments you would be making on that place if you can. Wait for him to crash it into the ground. Stay in touch with the loan company and explain your situation. They won't even talk to him as he is not on the loan. Tell them you will keep it current (ONLY IF YOU CAN), once he leaves it. Do not offer this if you can't. Trust me they see this all the time and will work with you, but excuses or false promises, can make them ugly quickly. They do NOT want to take a house back and since you are on the loan you are their primary concern. Not him. When he bails, get the loan current and they will often waive any of the lates and etc. I can't emphasize enough the importance of working with your lender on this. They will stay on your side as long as you can lay out the plan that they see keeps them in the clear of this.

*sigh* Tough roads we travel in life sometimes.

I know that I'm entitled to half of the house when it's sold but I really don't care about that right now. My hope is that he'll get his act together and just buy it...but I doubt he will. We'll eventually have to sell. I just don't think I can wait any longer. He won't leave because he's on the deed. I can always go to court and force him to sell if he doesn't cooperate.

I'm just to that point where I'm willing to risk my credit to get out of this.

When you're done you're done.

I live on farm with my 3 large dogs, 3 cats, and two horses.

I love it. Very healing.

I think I'd just say to your family that emotionally you can't take one more minute
and you'd like their support, but you are moving either way.

Hugs Becki

Make sure you are leaving for the right reasons first ok xx

Well, we aren't married so no court involvement. But, I can get an order to force him to sell if I have to. I'll be renting this new place and I don't want to buy a home again. Those ads that tell you that you save money by buying a home are LIES! It's expensive to own a home and the repairs are expensive.

This new place is on an equestrian center/petting farm. The owner's daughter moved out and she's renting one of the houses on the property. It's heaven. I tell everyone all the time that I want to leave and live by myself, surrounded by animals....then this just fell in my lap.

Get the wheels in motion to force him to sell right away if you are resolved on this.
Like make an appointment with you lawyer today to start the paperwork.
The lag time on this stuff can be very long.

Move to rental meanwhile, and if he gets his crap together to buy you out fine,
if not, he has less time to trash the place and your credit rating.

Sounds like a wonderful place to be.
Petting animals and horses? That's my idea of a perfect world :)

Sounds like a gift. Move. Figure out the details on undoing what needs to be done with the old house.

Wait a minute..... You aren't married. It's your house - your dream house in your name only. Isn't he basically a roommate or a tenant?
Why are you the one to leave your dream house?

Becki.....don't you think the Universe is trying to give you a nudge.....? LOL!

dandylion

Becki, I can only suggest you speak with an attorney before you take such drastic measures and walk away from your home. Laws very state to state. You signed a legal contract with a lending institution promising to repay a loan. They have legal recourse if you default. I have owned a title company for over 25 years now, I have been witness to banks obtaining judgements against the defaulted homeowner.

Even if you deed the property solely over to him, (which i do not recommend) you are still liable for the loan, the bank will not hold you harmless.

I know if you play by the rules, you won't spend the rest of your life trying to fix past mistakes. You really need to seek legal counsel and know what your legal rights and obligation are.

Please do not screw up your credit because your relationship is crumbling, it will haunt you and follow you for years to come. You will have moved on in your life and this black mark will follow. Trust me it's not worth it, I have seen too many women struggle from doing what you are entertaining.

I think it's crazy, but here in my home state, credit scores matter in auto insurance premiums, employers can do background credit checks on new hires.

I understand you are hurting, but you can't let your heart rule and control you.

Be strong, you can do this.

Oh heck, then your Golden. How is it he owns the house yet its your loan? I mean deed wise how did that come about? He has some legal ownership?

Becki.....WOW....it sounds like marie is making some very good points...from a position of competence. If I were you...I would consider her advice Veeery cafefully.....

(I did not know enough of you back story to realize that your frustration has, maybe, triggered you to impulse decision making. What could it hurt to get a real estate attorney to advise you?....)

dandylion

He's on the deed, but not on the loan. He has put half if not more money into this home with repairs, upgrades, etc. He pays half of everything and has since we've lived here. It wouldn't be fair if he didn't have ownership, too. He makes about 200K a year and can afford the house on his own. I couldn't. He swears that he would pay for it as long as he lives here. If he decides he doesn't want to, then we can sell or rent there. It's a great neighborhood to sell a home. Most sell within a few weeks here. I keep track of that.

To answer someone else above, I've lived by my heart for the past 5 years. I live with a man that is not there emotionally. I raised his kids while he got to usurp all responsibility. I raised my sister's two boys because she lived with an alcoholic, too, who was violent. I live on eggshells when he's here. He sleeps on the couch and has done so for about 2 years now. I tiptoe around in my own home or I'm stuck in the bedroom with the two dogs so I don't wake him and have to deal with his drunkenness. He's either travelling or home drunk so he's not here. So, how long do you think I should think with my heart? Until I have a nervous breakdown? Until all the stress starts to cause physical problems? I've developed anxiety so bad that I can't even drive on a highway. I can't fly and I have panic attacks. I think that by leaving and wanting a peaceful life, I'm thinking with my head. I'll just have to make some sacrifices....but I've decided that it might be worth it.

So consult the real estate attorney this week to get the paperwork moving to sell the house as I said earlier--
he either gets it together to buy you out and be on the loan by himself, or it gets sold and you are no longer liable.

You split any proceeds, and move on.

Meanwhile, still move on February 1 as planned and get on with your life.

Heart and head can work together on this one I think . . .

Gotcha. Now it makes sense. And you're right he has a right to ownership. Then I'd stick with the later part of my first input to you. Get with the lender and explain what is going on. See if they will work with you.

You have a HUGE advantage in that no divorce proceeding is needed.

so if he makes over 200k a year there should be no problem for him to refinance the property and get your name off the deed ?

For my own protection, I would insist that he get off his dead azz and do just that, he could trash or gut the place and really put the screws to you.

I would contact banks and mortgage companies and get the ball rolling, refinancing can be done in days now, sometimes working with your existing lender can save a few bucks on closing costs, it's not a long dragged out process as it was years ago. Best to be proactive when protecting yourself.

He could and that is the plan. I've talked to him about it when he's sober. I was going to speak to my attorney about writing up an agreement between he and I. If he breaks it, then we will have to sell the house. I was actually going to talk to him about taking his name off the deed and allowing me to set up a land contract or something. I've got several ideas in the works.

This is not something that I've taken lightly. This house and the impact on me and my credit, which I've worked by butt off to keep solid, is why I haven't walked before now. My attorney says that I can't force him to leave unless he gets violent, which he never has. We don't even fight much. I yell and he listens and then he passes out again. Not too passionate around here. I'm not planning on screwing over the lender. If he won't pay it, I'll kick him out and either rent it out or get a second job to pay for it until it's sold.

I've always looked at homes and have said I was leaving. When she told me last night that she chose me to take the home, I went home and cried. I really want to leave, but I'm so torn because of this house and the risk I'm taking. I know if I give up this new perfect place, I would be stuck here and he would think all is well and go right back to the drinking and sleeping on the couch 72 hours straight or leaving me to go drink at a hotel. It would be my life from here on out and I would have missed out on this wonderful opportunity.

He just called me and I told him all about it while crying. He cried, too, and said that he understands. I asked him for his blessing. He gave it but he also pulled that "I'll get help". I told him I don't trust him anymore and I can't do the I love you when you're sober and I hate you when you're drunk. I hate him more often now because he's drunk more. Don't think I'm fooling myself...when I leave and he's sitting here drunk, I expect the anger and the childish behavior. It will happen.

But, we've been together for 11 years and I've known him for over 35 years. I don't want it to get ugly and I want to be fair to him.

This sucks!!

When my ex husband divorced me, he just wanted out even if I got the house. So we just did what they call a quit claim deed. Just a few signatures and his name was of the loan and the whole loan, house, deed, etc was solely in my name. Quick, easy, simple and fast. Its either called a quit claim deed or quick claim deed. I don't remember now.

Umm here is the rub. You won't be able to kick him out of a house he owns. He has legal grounds to live there. It isn't as simple as that. And the fact that he makes 200K a year is a HUGE redflag here.

IDK what state you live in but in many common law marriage rules automatically become in effect after so much time passes living together. That may actually help you in this case.

I am GLAD you are taking your time and doing your homework. Its needed in this case.

My opinion, get legal advice. He has the money to pay for the house, but does that mean he will make the payments or do the up keep. Nothing he says you can trust.

Talk to a real estate attorney and find out how to get rid of the home the "legal" way. It is not worth him scrxwing you over on your credit.

I know you have done your homework about leaving. Found a great place. You will be find. We are the first ones to tell you to get the hxll out of the house. We just don't want you to make a rash decision and jeopardize your credit. I don't think you have. Plan for the move in February, but plan for the sale also.

You will find peace Becki!!

so this guy is robbing you of your inner joy and you are overly concerned about being fair?

How is his drinking and passing out every night fair to you? I know that lonely ,empty feeling.

With gentleness, i say you could toughen up a bit here and put yourself first for a change.

At $200K, he's going to be just fine regardless what you do. Don't worry about who's being fair to whom.

I know nothing about the legalities and those certainly have to be a major consideration. That being said, if you are thinking about staying because you will miss your "dream house", I say boo. Material things outside of ourselves never make us happy. Some of the most unhappy people I know have enough wealth to buy whatever they want. I once had my "dream house". I completely renovated it and imagined it be the home that we not only raised our children in, but it also would be the home that our grandchildren would come to visit. Well, the recession hit and we had to move for financial/job reasons. The real estate market had crashed and the house was worth half of what we owed on it. The house became the biggest noose around my neck. By the end of the whole affair, when we could finally sell/give it away, I absolutely hated the dam8 place. I have since lived in two other homes that I absolutely love. I realize that it was never about the home, but more about the memories, the adventure of living that took place in every home that I have ever lived in. If this is really just about the house, you will NOT regret leaving it.

Thanks everyone for your advice.

I'm not thinking about staying because it's my dream house. What the responders were saying is that I shouldn't be too rash and to protect myself financially when I do leave.

I don't need him in order to take care of myself and can make a nice life for myself without taking anything from him. I might be being unfair to myself by giving him the home, but I'll be fine. I'll be considerate and kind throughout, whether he chooses to be or not. It's just the way I am. But, I'm not a doormat, don't get me wrong.

What I'm more upset about is my family acting like they are going to lose something if I leave him. That bothers me more. They should have my back and support me.

sounds like your family is seeing the dollar signs and not your daily struggle of living with an alcoholic.

Those that have never lived the daily crazy train, simply do not understand what you are living. Not discouraging your from reaching out to your family for support, but the option remains yours as to how much you want to share with them.

If they simply do not "get It" they cannot be super helpful or supportive.

You're right. From now on I'm only speaking to the ones that will give me 100% support for the right reasons.

I spoke to the owner of the home and she asked me to put all the money down tonight if I wanted it. I can't afford that right now as I had it planned to pay it all when I moved in 3 weeks. I've decided to hold off until I can get my ducks in a row on this house. I've made an appointment with an attorney to see what my options are. However, the potential landlord offered me a job working on her farm in my off hours. I jumped on it!!!!

I just feel like I'm imprisoned by this house. I hate that!!