Amber23

What steps did you take when you reached the fork in the road? Did you offer another chance if he got rehab or detox? Did you leave or tell his family or tell his sponsor?

i need help in piecing together my plan. I am getting twisted up in what I need to do to help vs enable......without everything crashing down on me...hopefully

So AH is back to "light" daily drinking after "short" breaks throughout the last year. AH has a history of withdrwal seizures and althougth I think he has been able to stop and start again without any seizures, I am terrified at where this is heading again.(we had terrible time 2 years ago with ambulance & ER visits)

He doesn't look or seem right to me and I am triggered by this fear. I had fought and struggled with his drinking this year. Not sure what to do. He has been so immersed in AA etc. He has a sponsor and a good group.

It wasn't until he started working again that things are got much worse. (I realize things weren't truly getting better as this is a progressive disease, but I was allowing him to work through the miminal drinking with his group. Thinking there was progress to be made) i had a moment of clarity and realized that this will be dire soon.....then I feel like I may be overreacting because he will stop for a few days. this is how i knew we are in a danger zone...because this was how I felt when the bottom fell out last time. Is it glimmers of clarity through denial? dunno

I feel guilty I didn't get myself help with AA immediately follwing his first attempt at sobriety. I do take some blame for not making things a bit easier....BUT

I realized this is getting worse and I am enabling.
I have NO idea what to do next.

I told his parents. (who are enablers yet sorta shaming at the same time) as soon as I told them I regretted it. I feel like I should be figuring out what to do to help him, not his mother. But she is a fixer, has the money to help, and is the matriach of the family.....and has lots of opinions.

My point.......
I am angry at my husband.

I should realize this is an illness, but I am so mad at him. sometimes it is easier for me to be angry than sad.

I want to leave him sometimes and I fantasize about it, but I don't feel ready to end this just yet. Feel like I should try alanon before I make decision. (yes, silly i have not been yet. I did get a therapist which ended recently due to insurance)

So....
I don't know what my steps should be. (besides going to alanon. none have babysitting and that is what is holding me back at the moment.)

Intentions to leave him so he hits bottom?
Encourage his family to confront him?
Insist on a rehab of such? (although he would probably lose his new job that took years to get!)

tell him it is a family problem and help him work through it?

I need information on the actual steps spouses took at this serious stage.

I know if I continue to enable him it will progress the disease.
if I don't enable, all other sorts of bad stuff can happen.
(including the fact we have no money and a 5 year old to care for)

I know this looks like i am focused solely on him and not myself. That is where it gets tricky for me. We are encouraged to treat it as a family problem and be supportive, but how?

I am not ready to give up on him yet, I see him fighting.
However, telling him he has to leave if he drinks doesn't work. he laughs at me. i don't have a huge support team here. My family is out of state and I have nowhere to go.

Please tell me your fork in the road and how you progressed.
I have no money, no insurance, a young daughter and little childcare options.

Ideas???

freetosmile

Hey,

This is a serious stage to be in and I am fairly new in my recovery, BUT....I can relate on several levels here.

You have this guilt and anger....al-anon says "Didn't cause it, Can't control it, Can't change it." You need to get your butt to Al-Anon. Not for HIM, but for YOU!! I started going and it has done great things for me. I'm working the steps and I'm gathering strength.

I find myself in a bad situation too and you don't sound ready to leave this person, but you DO sound like YOU are ready for change.

I personally think you need to find a friend, find SOMEONE to watch your kiddo for an hour so that you can go to meetings! Can't your A watch her? Do you trust your A to be left alone with your daughter?

And here is the deal...about the money and insurance. Just try to breathe through that. I'm so broke right now, it isn't even funny. BUT my current needs are met and I'm grateful for that. It WILL pass.

They tell me here all the time that it *will* get better if I continue to start living for ME and the kids NOT my AH. I am going to believe them. What other choice do we have?

Hugs to you. I know this doesn't give you the answers you seek... hopefully someone with more experience will get back to soon. Keep checking in and coming back. It really really has helped me.

Chantal88

Amber -

I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to educate yourself. No one can tell you what to do, because you are the only one who has to live with your decision.

There are many books that you can read and shows on addiction that you can watch that will aide in this choice. If you PM me I can give you names of books and shows that have helped me.

With my ex I ended up breaking it off with him because in addition to the drinking he was very controlling. There are a lot of things I can tolerate, but I cannot tolerate being controlled and I made that very clear to him. We keep in sporadic contact now and he's actually doing much better in terms of sobriety, but even sober, I'm not sure that we would work out.

One thing I have learned from my relationship with my ex and other relationships is that my decisions need to be my own. If you need to learn more in order to feel more secure with your choice, then do that. But reaching out and asking for someone to tell you specifically what to do is not always the best course of action IMO.

Hugs Amber, I know how painful and confusing the "fork" can be.

Hangnbyathread

I won't re-post my history I will simply summarize where I was at at your juncture. I wanted to use any and all sources I could find to make sure I, in my mind, felt like I had done all I could to digest what life would be like with an AC. Sort of like, maybe Al-Anon would show me a new perspective etc.

If anything it helped me clarify even further. Detachment. Learn to Let it Go. I don't mean to make it sound glib or easy. But you need to be able to keep your sanity and look at this from an outside perspective.

hopeful4

I forced my X to go to rehab. He got sober for a year and a half. Back to drinking. Wasted 5 more years and finally kicked him out b/c it does progress. Only you can decide.

I would make some boundaries you are able to keep. For example, I won't be around an alcoholic, so if you choose to drink at all you must leave during that time and not be home until you are sober. Or you leave during that time.

I will not allow you to drive our children, ever.

Those types of things that you are in control of. Anything else is an ultimatium. Whatever you say or do, if you choose that route, be ready to enforce what you say 100%. Addicts are like naughty children and if they see they can push your boundaries or that you don't stick to your words, they will walk all over you. That is the reality.

Have you tried Celebrate Recovery? Most have free babysitting and/or age appropriate classes for the little ones. I credit CR for saving me during a time I was at my lowest.

Tight Hugs.

lillamy

When I reached that point, I sat AXH down and told him I would not live the rest of my life with an alcoholic. I told him I loved him, that I didn't want us to split up, that I would support him if he sought sobriety, but that if he didn't, at some point, I would hit my breaking point.

We were together for a total of 20 years, so he knew how I functioned pretty well. I reminded him that I am a very patient person, but when someone steps over the line one time too many, there's no going back. I told him I didn't know where that line was, or when it would happen, but that I didn't want us to get there.

He laughed in my face, told me I was crazy, and told me he wasn't an alcoholic and could quit drinking any time. I asked him if the fact that his drinking was harming his family wasn't enough motivation. He laughed again.

I had my answer.

I didn't leave immediately. I wanted that talk to sink in. I still thought I had some power over his alcoholism. Silly me. Not too long after, when I saw no change, no willingness to even talk about or admit a problem, I started making my plans to leave.

Chantal88

hopeful4-

I completely agree with your post! I think enforcing boundaries is something that is important for all relationships but especially when dealing with someone addicted.

And CR has meetings for "friends and family"? I thought they were just for addicts.

AnvilheadII

Adopt the airplane rule....if the cabin loses pressures, and the oxygen masks drop, DON YOUR OWN MASK FIRST, before attempting to render aid to others. you need to sort out WHAT you feel first....anger, sadness, fear. only then will you have a sturdy enough platform to take your next steps.

yes you are making this about him, but HE plays a central role in your life.
your best efforts may not FIX this. your most persuasive argument, or final ultimatum, or supportive loving words may not penetrate. that's the part that can be hardest to accept....not that they won't/can't quit, but WE can't MAKE THEM. we don't have a lot of POWER here, not enough to determine the outcome. we're like sandbags....we don't force the river to change course, we just try to minimize the damage until the flood ends.

hopeful4

Chantal....yes, they are also for friends and family, or if you want to say, codependents. I did not realize it until I started to go. I thought I was going to one to get my X all set up. Little did I know it would save me!

Amber23

Oh such wonderful replies! So eloquent and stabilizing to read.
I feel better just hearing such straight forward thoughts on my post. I truly appreciate the time you each took to write your reply. Each one had a specific point I have held onto the last couple days. I don't feel as scared knowing that it will get better if i focus on me. Just the last two days of detachment have helped.
Thanks for helping me get recentered a bit.