Squashing my Terminal Uniqueness :/
 

A brief recap on my situation… About 5 months ago I told AH he needed to either get help or get out. He stopped drinking immediately… for 3 weeks. According to him, that's how long it takes to break a habit. Newsflash: an addiction is not just a bad habit!! We did some couples counselling with a counsellor familiar with addiction (didn't go as I'd hoped) and I've been going weekly to my own counsellor, which has been good for me.

To make a (very) long story short… he's back to drinking every night. He was hiding it for some time, but he's not really bothering to hide it anymore. What's my point? I really, really, really wanted to believe that our situation was indeed different. That in our case, I WOULD be enough of a reason to quit. That he was scared enough to lose me and the kids that he'd stop. That he'd be the one in a million that could actually learn to moderate. He's not. And I'm not. As much as I've felt on edge these past few months, I still had an ounce of hope that we could fix this. That hope is gone. I've read people post these same words over and over and STILL thought, "but we might be different". It's a hard pill to swallow when you realize you're not.

I'm sorry. It's a dang hard pill to swallow. But just remember, it doesn't make you a worse person than you were yesterday. Or him either, for that matter. Addiction does not discriminate. It's hellish for everyone, pretty much.

I thought, too, that I could love AXH out of drinking. Remember, again, it's not that you're lacking something that makes him drink. There's no magic word, action, plan that would fix it. Like you say -- addiction isn't just a bad habit. If it were, very few of us would be hanging around here at SR.

Do you have an Al-Anon group meeting close to you? Painful as it is to admit you're married to an A, those groups were really helpful to me. Just being around other people who "get it" -- who don't judge your choices, who cry with you and laugh with you and chuckle when you're swearing and cursing... people who will love you and pat you on the back and say "been there. Sucks."... it really is healing like nothing else.

So you're not unique. The good news with that is -- you're also not alone. By a long shot. (((hugs)))

justwantnormal....is he getting help? You told him to get help or get out.....

dandylion

Hello!

I just loved the title of your post.

Keep the focus on you during this time of reassessing your outlook. I'm glad you are seeing a counselor on your own!

He's not. I know what my next step is, and I'm working with my councillor on getting prepared to actually take it. I'll be giving him the option of either going to rehab and (in time) trying to mend us, or formally separating. Either way, he needs to leave the house. I really struggle with being assertive and enforcing boundaries (I'm a helpless codie!), but that's what we're working toward.

well dang it. Addiction is like the Great Paper Shredder of life...doesn't matter if you put in a post it note or the Constitution, it all looks the same by the time it gets spewed out the other side.

i very recently just had my own "this is NOT happening to MEEEE!!!!" situation come up....damn humbling. but it knocked me right down to "recovery tool box" level, so that part is good!

That's probably the best analogy I've ever heard to describe the indiscriminate nature of alcoholism!

Humbling indeed.

The process you have gone through is normal I hate to say - you made an ultimatum and he acquiesced for as long as it took for him to figure out he wasn't going to have to go anywhere.

Alcoholics can't stop for us. They can only stop for themselves. Until he has that moment of clarity that he is powerless over alcohol its simply not a battle he can win.

Next time you say he has to leave if he drinks you really need to enforce it. Laying a boundary and not enforcing it is bad for all involved.

Sorry you are going through this….

Please don't feel bad. I'm still struggling with the fact that there was nothing unique about my situation with my alcoholic ex. I still can't believe that he actually chose alcohol over us. I know all of the facts, I've done the research, but yet, I still struggle with this one in a big way. We loved each other too much for that to happen, or so I thought, until I gave him the ultimatum and....he chose to live in his father's basement so he could continue to drink. Still utterly mind-blown over it all. Healing, and feeling better about my decision to do what needed to be done, but yup, completely blown away.

It's as if we are taking who they are away from them... could be all they know... Suck suck suck!!! :-(

Both alcoholics and codependents are loaded with denial and rationalization. Three weeks to break an addiction? I'm sober 23 years and know I could drink again ... going to AA meetings helps keep my denial in check but I've known people with more time than that who drank and couldn't get sober again. Once an addict, always an addict.

This is the most REAL post I've read from you here on the F&F side of the forums. You are still early in recovery yourself so remember that your perspective may continue to change as you work through recovery from both sides like this. It's going to take a while, at 3 solid years in I am STILL learning new stuff all the time, hang in there & good luck with your next steps.

I don't *think* Justwantnormal is in addiction recovery herself...may be getting confused with another poster of a similar name...

OOOPs, maybe! If so, I totally apologize & retract my previous post!!!!

FlippedRhalo,
You can't take this personally. What you are asking of your A, he thinks impossible. He can't comprehend life without alcohol. They say that it is like oxygen to them, they need it to live. It has nothing to do with us, or loving us. They do all love us, but they can comprehend living without us not there addictions.

Be gentle on yourself. You have to remember what you have been doing for the last 3 months or 6 months or years, has not worked. So why you think this time will be any different, it won't. You need try something different, as hard as it might be, to see if that might work. I have been divorced for about 70 days and nothing has changed. Who knows if anything ever will, but at least I am giving it a try.

(((((((((hugs)))))))))))) to you all!!

Yep… wrong person :) Thanks for taking time to comment though FireSprite :)

I must say, I'm so glad I read this post. I have been feeling the same way as you for 4 years now. Even now, I know he isn't going to change, but I still hope he will. I haven't made any plans to leave as of yet, but I am working on boundaries and making myself stronger.

Anyway, thank you for this post. I hope that you can set and enforce your boundaries :)

Even after the heartfelt talk my husband gave our 4 sons and me last night, when we had our own visit about our marriage and what I want and won't accept, he still rationalized that his drinking wouldn't cause me any problems if he drinks and drives -- that somehow that just won't happen to him. Denial. Just like when he went to AA and stopped last year because he just isn't like those "people". Well, yes, he is. Sorry.
I know he loves his family. I know he wishes he wasn't compelled to drink/self medicate his emotions, but the truth and his reality still don't quite match. He tried to tell me he doesn't love the bottle more than his family; maybe not, but it is his go-to and I/we are not. To me that puts the bottle upon a higher level than us in my book, especially if he chooses NOT to seek real help to heal the whole situation his drinking has caused. It is a hard, bitter pill to swallow.

Oh humility.

It was easier for me to handle my husband's relapses once I realized and accepted that his drinking has never been and is never about me or our family. Kind of like how his sober periods are never and have never been about me or our family either. When he drinks its because he wants it. When he's sober it's because he wants it. When I work my own program it's not so that he'll stay with me or to impress him, it's because I'm sick and tired of living like a crazy ass person and because I want better and I want to be better.

I am still pretty unique though. It takes a very special kind of dysfunctional to continue to put up with this addiction nonsense. ;)

Yes it is a hard very bitter pill and I'm sorry for how you're feeling right now. I know how much it really sucks.

It sounds like you're at the point of acceptance though and this is where the healing can truly begin for you.

For me it was as if I'd finally given myself permission to get off the crazy train. There was a new door opening, and on the other side the sun was shining. I could really see ah for the way he was and separate myself from him emotionally. It was very freeing for me.

I hope you can also find something positive in this experience.