Question for those of you with experience
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Mich
Posts: 212
Question for those of you with experience
It's been awhile, so a brief summary: Ah drank and went into rehab 2xs. Was sober for 13+ years, went back out and drank on and off (mostly on) for the past year. I got myself into a therapist, was (and continue) taking care of me and used all of my tools I had learned in Al anon to help me out. I was prepared to tell him after the holidays, to get help or get out. But I didn't need to do that as, he came to me and asked me to help him get help. I asked him what he wanted to do, we went over his options. He made the choice of an inpatient treatment place. He was gone for about 2 weeks. Since he's been out, he's been working his program and taking it very seriously. He's making a lot of effort to fix things with me, we both know it will take time but he's trying, the first he's done in a long time. He's admitted he was worried it was just too late in my mind but feels very relieved that it isn't.
I never enabled him, never cleaned up after him, lived my own life, took care of me and our son, let him do what he needed to and tried my hardest to not get into it with him. I am THRILLED that he's on the road to recovery and the peace in our house the last month has been super! However, he's very wishy washy about my role in his recovery. I fully support it and realize that HE has to do the hard work, I still see my therapist and I also still go to Al anon meetings for ME. When he's asked me to go to an open meeting with him I do. I'm not at all worried about what he's up to when he's not with me. But I still have a lot of pent up resentment and anger. And now, as crazy as this sounds, I find myself getting angry that AA seems to rule his life and that it's more important than anything else. is that normal? Anyone else feel that? I know we are SO early into recovery, both of us, but will this go away? I don't rub things in his face, at all, but he made a comment to me about those people in al anon, sounds like all they do is whine and complain about the A's in their lives. It's almost as if he doesn't know, or admit how deep the hurt runs that he's caused. I haven't discussed it with him because I am aware (1.) it's my issue and (2.) he's no where near ready to hear those things...he's struggling day to day just to stay sober.
And you know what else makes me so mad? Why does it always seem to be about THEIR feelings and needs? Why don't OURS seem to matter? It's just tiring hearing only about his stuff and the lack of questions or interest in what I have going on...my therapist says that is a normal part of recovery.
I never enabled him, never cleaned up after him, lived my own life, took care of me and our son, let him do what he needed to and tried my hardest to not get into it with him. I am THRILLED that he's on the road to recovery and the peace in our house the last month has been super! However, he's very wishy washy about my role in his recovery. I fully support it and realize that HE has to do the hard work, I still see my therapist and I also still go to Al anon meetings for ME. When he's asked me to go to an open meeting with him I do. I'm not at all worried about what he's up to when he's not with me. But I still have a lot of pent up resentment and anger. And now, as crazy as this sounds, I find myself getting angry that AA seems to rule his life and that it's more important than anything else. is that normal? Anyone else feel that? I know we are SO early into recovery, both of us, but will this go away? I don't rub things in his face, at all, but he made a comment to me about those people in al anon, sounds like all they do is whine and complain about the A's in their lives. It's almost as if he doesn't know, or admit how deep the hurt runs that he's caused. I haven't discussed it with him because I am aware (1.) it's my issue and (2.) he's no where near ready to hear those things...he's struggling day to day just to stay sober.
And you know what else makes me so mad? Why does it always seem to be about THEIR feelings and needs? Why don't OURS seem to matter? It's just tiring hearing only about his stuff and the lack of questions or interest in what I have going on...my therapist says that is a normal part of recovery.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Excellent story that you should be proud of.
As to the "Why does it always seem to be about THEIR feelings and needs? Why don't OURS seem to matter? It's just tiring hearing only about his stuff and the lack of questions or interest in what I have going on...my therapist says that is a normal part of recovery."
Stand in line on that one. I have asked the same things.
As to the "Why does it always seem to be about THEIR feelings and needs? Why don't OURS seem to matter? It's just tiring hearing only about his stuff and the lack of questions or interest in what I have going on...my therapist says that is a normal part of recovery."
Stand in line on that one. I have asked the same things.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Well, I thought I had a very well thought out response here but the Interwebs appear to have eaten it.
The gist of it was this, however: I've heard from pretty much every Al-Anon friend with an A in early recovery that they feel second to AA. So yep. It sounds like your feelings are normal.
Doesn't mean they're pleasant. And with time, as he gets better footing in his recovery, he will learn to not have to rely on other AA members as much and as often. (((hugs)))
The gist of it was this, however: I've heard from pretty much every Al-Anon friend with an A in early recovery that they feel second to AA. So yep. It sounds like your feelings are normal.
Doesn't mean they're pleasant. And with time, as he gets better footing in his recovery, he will learn to not have to rely on other AA members as much and as often. (((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
First of all, kudos to him for recognizing he needed help and being honest with you about it. We are 2+ years past my RABF's recovery. In the beginning it was HARD, almost as hard as when he was drinking! He would critique AlAnon too.... I learned not to share with with him about my meetings. That was for ME, I didn't need to share. In return I didnt' ask about his meetings. They were his. I have been to some open meetings with him, but not until he had a year under his belt. And, yes, it was all AA all the time which was kind of hard for me at times. But I can tell you 2 years later, I am grateful. Once he got through the steps, and made his amends, I knew I mattered. But it took time for him to sort it all out.
All I can offer from my experience is give him the space/time he needs to focus on real recovery. You will both benefit in the long run. In the mean time, work just as hard on your recovery.
All I can offer from my experience is give him the space/time he needs to focus on real recovery. You will both benefit in the long run. In the mean time, work just as hard on your recovery.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
A wonderful slogan helps
"This too shall pass"
I believe it does get better ~ I've seen it happen ~ if both parties continue to work their separate programs, the relationship improves.
Hang in there & please continue to do what is healthy for you!
gentle pink hugs
"This too shall pass"
I believe it does get better ~ I've seen it happen ~ if both parties continue to work their separate programs, the relationship improves.
Hang in there & please continue to do what is healthy for you!
gentle pink hugs
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
AA Big Book strikes again. 
Spedteach --
They ever read the that in your Alanon? The AA Big Book, I mean? Or as part of a Sponsor assignment? Pretty good stuff.
My Steps "Substitute" Sponsor started me into it, before I did Alanon Grad School (20 week sponsored, with a set sponsor, Men's Alanon Step Course). As part of the course we did the Big Book first 165 pages or so, again, along with 4 other Alanon Books. Took me about 4 times before it started to make sense (and I could quit saying -- Yeah, yeah -- THIS is her! )
At any rate. You. The AA Big Book.
Chapter 9, The Family After.
See if it is not all about you.
Alcoholics Anonymous : Alcoholics Anonymous
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt9.pdf
Spedteach --
They ever read the that in your Alanon? The AA Big Book, I mean? Or as part of a Sponsor assignment? Pretty good stuff.
My Steps "Substitute" Sponsor started me into it, before I did Alanon Grad School
(20 week sponsored, with a set sponsor, Men's Alanon Step Course). As part of the course we did the Big Book first 165 pages or so, again, along with 4 other Alanon Books. Took me about 4 times before it started to make sense (and I could quit saying -- Yeah, yeah -- THIS is her! )At any rate. You. The AA Big Book.
Chapter 9, The Family After.
See if it is not all about you.
Alcoholics Anonymous : Alcoholics Anonymous
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt9.pdf
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Fasten your seat belt..........
As one who has been sober 23 years -- and also a recovering codependent -- I've seen thousands of people in and out of the rooms of AA. You've had one relationship with your husband as an active alcoholic but now the relationship is radically different. In the beginning the recovering addict has to put his/her entire focus on getting sober and getting used to being in his own skin. It gets easier after a while, but I hope you can let your husband immerse himself in recovery. Perhaps a good time to increase your Alanon meetings? That said, we all have expectations of what life will be like when the other person gets help and these can place a lot of pressure on the relationship. A good Alanon sponsor can work wonders in easing the transition to sober living.
Alcoholics are self-centered in the extreme. Bill Wilson writes about this in the Big Book --
"Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so
In recovery, if we work the Steps and go to therapy (cognitive therapy is recommended for alcoholics) we see this in ourselves and can change it. It takes time and a lot of work but it does work.
Your feelings -- whatever they are -- are completely valid. What Alanon taught me is to take responsibility for my feelings and change. It saved my sanity when I ended the worst relationship of my life.
A big hug ... you're headed in the right direction. Hope you keep posting!
As one who has been sober 23 years -- and also a recovering codependent -- I've seen thousands of people in and out of the rooms of AA. You've had one relationship with your husband as an active alcoholic but now the relationship is radically different. In the beginning the recovering addict has to put his/her entire focus on getting sober and getting used to being in his own skin. It gets easier after a while, but I hope you can let your husband immerse himself in recovery. Perhaps a good time to increase your Alanon meetings? That said, we all have expectations of what life will be like when the other person gets help and these can place a lot of pressure on the relationship. A good Alanon sponsor can work wonders in easing the transition to sober living.
Alcoholics are self-centered in the extreme. Bill Wilson writes about this in the Big Book --
"Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so
In recovery, if we work the Steps and go to therapy (cognitive therapy is recommended for alcoholics) we see this in ourselves and can change it. It takes time and a lot of work but it does work.
Your feelings -- whatever they are -- are completely valid. What Alanon taught me is to take responsibility for my feelings and change. It saved my sanity when I ended the worst relationship of my life.
A big hug ... you're headed in the right direction. Hope you keep posting!
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Hey there. My AH is in treatment now, and while I'm too new in recovery to pass along any advice, I *do* know that I got really mad like the first week. I think it IS normal.
It feels like even in their recovery, it is still all about them.
Sucks. No doubt about it. But then I just decided, eff it...I'm working on ME in the peace that I have while he is away. And I just had to change my perspective. I think we should do some step work when we are feeling angry. I don't know...that's what I do anyway. Good luck. They tell me it *will* get better and I am going to believe them. What other choice do I have?
It feels like even in their recovery, it is still all about them.
Sucks. No doubt about it. But then I just decided, eff it...I'm working on ME in the peace that I have while he is away. And I just had to change my perspective. I think we should do some step work when we are feeling angry. I don't know...that's what I do anyway. Good luck. They tell me it *will* get better and I am going to believe them. What other choice do I have?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Mich
Posts: 212
Thanks for the comments. I AM giving him the space and time he needs for his recovery and I AM taking the time to focus on me and mine.
Sometimes I just need to vent a little bit and I know I need to do that somewhere safe
I am working my side of the street and only go to open meetings when he asks me to. It so happens we live in an area where a lot of AA and al anon meetings are at the same time, same location. We do drive to those together and then go to our own meetings. I'm sure he'll attend many more meetings a week than I will, I'm working to establish which meetings I like and am most comfortable at. Plus, with my child's hectic schedule, there may be weeks I have to attend a meeting on one day as opposed to a different day so I want to be comfortable with more than 1 place. I do not give him information about my meetings nor do I ask about his. He may from time to time volunteer a bit or a piece here and there.
Sometimes I just need to vent a little bit and I know I need to do that somewhere safe
I am working my side of the street and only go to open meetings when he asks me to. It so happens we live in an area where a lot of AA and al anon meetings are at the same time, same location. We do drive to those together and then go to our own meetings. I'm sure he'll attend many more meetings a week than I will, I'm working to establish which meetings I like and am most comfortable at. Plus, with my child's hectic schedule, there may be weeks I have to attend a meeting on one day as opposed to a different day so I want to be comfortable with more than 1 place. I do not give him information about my meetings nor do I ask about his. He may from time to time volunteer a bit or a piece here and there.
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