In desperate need of encouragement.

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01-05-2015, 02:09 PM

# 21 (permalink)

theuncertainty

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Join Date: Apr 2010

Location: Alaska

Posts: 2,913

Quote:

Originally Posted by windblownfemme

See, I've spent some time reflecting on this, and though I may dispute some aspects of what was/wasn't real in our relationship, I know that the love was real. IS real. Unfortunately, it's just not enough.
I could honestly see the self-hatred for the things he did to hurt me. Caught him crying to himself on more than one occasion. I even think he believed he would beat his addiction in earnest one moment, just to succumb to it a moment later. It doesn't make sense to rational people, but I can tell you with certainty that he felt empathy, regret, shame, and intense love. It was the kind of thing that couldn't be one-sided or fabricated and be that.....pure. AT TIMES. Granted, it was unpredictable, scary, and soul-crushing, but it was real.

Oh, I believe AXH loved me, inasmuch as he was able to. I loved him at one point, too. I wouldn't have married him otherwise. I also believe that as he was saying the sorry's and the I'll-change's, that he meant those, too. And he'd try, for a little while. I saw the guilt and pain he was dealing with, and that, honestly, kept me stuck in that relationship far longer than I should have been. But the words were never followed up with long-term action. I also believe he loved his next GF, and who ever he may be with now, but until he works towards recovery and changing his abusive behavior, his relationships won't be healthy or true partnerships.

So as you realized, far quicker than I did, love just wasn't enough.

01-05-2015, 03:18 PM

# 22 (permalink)

NYCDoglvr

Member

Join Date: Nov 2010

Location: New York, NY

Posts: 6,262

Quote:

ny fellow recovering addicts out there? Specifically those with IV drug addiction? I ask because I've been really struggling today, obviously, and I've been having to reign in my own demons. I am 5 years clean, aside from drugs used during hysterectomy last year and a bowel surgery this year (didn't abuse the meds...) But there's something about feeling emotional pain, that's closely tied to physical pain, that's usually the precursor to feeling euphoria and numbness. Let's face it, it's been a tough day and my brain, though in recovery, is still a sick brain. I was just wondering if anyone else struggles with emotional pain and translating it into a trigger via physical pain/the ritual.

I'm a recovering alcoholic (my drug of choice) and I know that intense emotions can make us want to smoke, take drugs, drink, whatever. Give me six donuts when the **** hits the fan! I suggest getting to an AA or NA meeting as quickly as possible. You've put in a great deal of work on yourself, now isn't the time to relapse.

A big hug......I promise this will pass. Eventually you'll be grateful this guy leveled with you instead of stringing you along with promises to get help.