TerpGal

I am really not interested in staying in this marriage with RAH anymore. Ive known it, a long time I think but fear has kept me from really even entertaining this thought. Plus living in active alcoholic hell there is really little time to entertain anything more than what you need to survive. But now that things aren't so hostile anymore, and I have been diligently exploring this in therapy...............I don't want to be with him anymore. I don't trust him. I don't even think I love him. I don't see a future for us,

Now RAH does know that I am not happy and he has been bending over backwards to do little extra romantic things, help out around the house more. He is doing what he is supposed to in terms of his sobriety. Will have 5 months next week. And this makes me feel supremely guilty. The little voice in my head is saying, "See, look at all the effort. You are a bad person to want to leave. He wants to do marriage counseling. I put that ball in his court because I have zero interest. On that front, he's done nothing. So yeah, just thought that Id like to get this out there. The thought of being able to just embark out on my life alone and free..........just fills me with a lot of hope.

lizatola

If you are done, then you are done. Lots of marriages break up without having alcoholism or recovery as a factor. Sometimes people just grow apart and they need to move on from each other. I understand why you'd feel guilty but you don't have to end it today. You can make a plan, you can bide your time, and you can continue to work on you and heal.

This is one of those things that I would turn over to my Higher Power, being open to whatever the plan is before you and for your future.

Hangnbyathread

Welcome to my world. In fact my XAGF summed it up best. "Will my actions be a life sentence for us?" She had made a mess of things and I admit that was a fair question. My feelings for her would never be what they were. Even though I fully supported her need to get better, you still have a person who has done great damage to us emotionally. To this day I respect her and wish her the best.

But, for me, (so please don't bash me if you don't agree) if I am in a relationship and we both knew the rules, and those rules are broken, the only way to be respected is to enforce the consequences of those rules and those violations.

At the end of the day YOU have to be happy that YOU made the choice that suits YOU. I lost respect for myself by letting rules be broken and rationalizing that. Within a month of being free of our relationship, I felt better about me again.

We went to couples counseling. I appreciated what I learned there. It solidified that my feelings were valid for me. I left my relationship, guilt free.

Refiner

TG hang in there and do what's in YOUR best interest. Sometimes the damage is just too much for a full recovery for the victim. Don't beat yourself up just bc he's doing his part for his recovery. There's a reason for the saying "too little, too late".

hopeful4

And that is totally OK. I agree, too little...TOO LATE. When you have lost that loving feeling, it's lost.

You deserve a future of happiness and stability.

XXX

dandylion

TerpGal...remember that he should be sober for himself....regardless of what anyone else on this planet does.

He has to live life on life's terms. Just like we all do.

You have the right to leave a marriage for no other reason than you no longer want to be in it. You have to be honest with yourself.

dandylion

lillamy

I think there's always guilt associated with being the one initiating a breakup. But that's OK. You could choose to look at it this way: You are looking forward to your freedom, and you are releasing him and giving him the opportunity to find someone who loves him for who he is -- instead of staying with him out of obligation and robbing him of that chance.

Thumper

Agree with all the previous posters.

Coming from my experience of being in a similar position - I waited a long time to be honest with myself and him and leave. A very long time because of various reasons and in hindsight it didn't do either one of us any favors to prolong it so long.

SparkleKitty

It took me a long time to figure out that staying in a relationship out of fear, guilt, or obligation is a disservice to BOTH parties in the relationship.

TerpGal

Ah but there lies the rub. Which is why I am so conflicted. I know his sobriety is for him. HOWEVER, I do NOT believe I have the right to leave a marriage for no other reason than I no longer wish to be in it.

I guess it is part of my values system. No one in my family is divorced. You had problems, you worked out those problems. When I stood on that altar and said until death do us part I meant it. I do NOT believe in getting a divorce because it "just wasn't working out." Granted a lot of terrible things have happened in our relationship that have irreparably damaged it.

I sorta think of it this way..............I had a long therapy session about suicide with a therapist a few years ago. I have been hospitalized for that reason 4 times in the past. The way she sees it, she says, unless you have tried everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, suicide is not an option for you.

Gah. I dunno. This is probably not the best thing to be sitting here thinking about when I am home with the flu.

Hangnbyathread

I meant it also.

Don't forget that marriage is also a contract. If that contract gets violated.....

Hope7726

I don't look at divorcing an alcoholic or addict as ending the marriage because "it just wasn't working out." There is a reason it wasn't working and it still isn't - because this person did horrible things to you. Whether it was intentional or not, it no longer matters. He did horrible things that hurt you and made you stop trusting him. You started seeing him not as the person you vowed to stand by until death do you part, but as a completely different person. Often times the damage to a relationship is beyond repair. Wanting to be happy doesn't make you a bad person. Just my opinion.

dandylion

TerpGal....I should have clarified that love is not the only reason to end a marriage..ther are lots of reasons...but, it is enough of a reason.

I will always remember the firm lecture that I got from a professor of my Marriage and Family Course. I missed one of the questions on a final exam...The question was: "what is the primary function of marriage in society?" I chose the answer: "procreation". The correct answer was "The transfer of property (resources)".
He told me that if I ever answered that way again...he would track me down....LOL!

For me...my value system says that we are put on this planet with the potential to thrive and to appreciate the experience of living. To thrive rather than to just exist. We have been given the tools to thrive. If we use them or not is up to us. (free will, and all).
Legal marriage is a cultural more that we are taught. It varies across cultures--and, within a given culture. We also get to choose which cultural teaching resounds within us and is compatable with our own sense of ourselves.
It may feel very noble and altruistic to declare: "I made those vows and will walk that path no matter what destruction may come with it."
However, when a person has to face their own feelings....and, if those feelings are a hollowness....remember that those other people who will judge you do not have to go to sleep with YOUR feelings.
You are born with yourself, alone. You die with yourself, alone.

I totally get what you are saying..I really do. I said that, myself at one time.
I have gone through many changes since that time. (thank God. LOL).

My goal in saying all of this is to give you an idea that there can be many different perspectives on this. This just happens to be mine.
As long as you are happy with your perspective....that is what really matters.

dandylion

redatlanta

Just because you forgive someone for the things they have done does not mean that you recover from the things they have done. Along the way things get destroyed like love and trust.

Its such an over used euphemism but it sure does sum it up "A day late and a dollar short".

If you don't love him anymore, if you don't want to be there anymore, if you fantasize about a new life without him, I would say this is most likely not going to change. Is what it is my friend.

You aren't bad or disappointing anyone because you choose to be happy. Your comment "I don't believe I have the right to leave the marriage just for no reason other than I don't want to be in it" is really not accurate is it? Why do you want to leave the marriage? has everything been skippy and for no reason you just decided you want out? Nope. Good for your husband on his sobriety, but it doesn't erase the past. Bottom line, if you don't want to be there and you just stay there because you feel you have to you aren't do either one of you any favors.

lizatola

Exactly! And, it's not really fair to him, either. How fair is it for us to stay out of guilt or obligation? How does that make the other person feel? Would you want to be married to someone who was staying with you out of guilt feelings?

And, I am coming from experience here because it's taken me 3 years to pull the plug!! THREE! So, I didn't just wake up one day and say, "Yep, a divorce sounds like a good idea." I sat in my poop and it was nice and warm and comfortable and it was all I knew, even though it was still poop. I was just comfortable enough and I clung to those vows I made like crazy, mostly out of religious beliefs.

I am slowly coming to realize that only I can decide to get out of my pile of poo and clean myself up and figure out that I wasn't just being unfair to me, I was being unfair to the whole family. I just had to find the guts to decide when and how I was going to move forward.

No one is telling you to leave your marriage. I just encourage you to look at all the parties involved and decide what really is best for their well-being and for yours in the long run.

FYI: I know quite a few folks who split up and got divorced, were apart for 3-5 years, and then wound up reuniting when they both were more healthy and more stable. There are so many possibilities and you never know what your HP has in store for you!

Turtle82

Don't misunderstand what I'm about to say. I empathize and have gone through similar in the past year though not with a mate. What I had to ask myself (as a RA used to taking my own inventory) is whether or not I was simply considering doing an emotional "geographic" by getting them out of my life. If so, I would still carry my pain and/or issues afterward. Another I had to ask myself was whether or not I had just become used to living with pain or chaos. Was that why I couldn't let go of continuing to live in pain via painful memories in spite of the other person's better treatment of me? That, ultimately, led to the final question: Did I believe this "new" person was genuine. In that process I became a diligent observer of their behavior. In my case, I didn't deem those "changes" to be real and history would repeat. Sometimes its not "lost" trust due to past behavior, its seeing that the person still isn't trustworthy. They're still not walking their talk. I hope something here helps you not feel guilty about making healthy choices.

TerpGal

This. I was raised Catholic and even though I no longer attend Catholic church.......the civil marriage aside, I stood on that altar and received the sacrament of marriage. The whole you can take the girl outta the church you can't take the church outta the girl type thing. Part of why I balk is the little voice in my head of what a sin divorcing him would be, how I would be breaking a promise to God, and I will be punished for it. Which feeds into other unhealthy relationships I have with God wondering what horrible thing I am being punished for to deserve all this.

pinkpeony

I get the whole God thing, I really do. It's a consideration for me also.
But what do you think God thinks of his child living an unhealthy life?
Do you think God wants that for you?

I've never come up with the exact answer for myself, but I lean heavily into thinking that God wants his children happy and healthy and thriving in the life He has given them.

SeriousKarma

I was also raised Catholic, TG. In fact, I'm still a practicing Catholic. Marched my daughter right through those sacraments. Got the punch card to prove it. I love my faith, but my marriage needed to end.

In fact, my 91 year old father, who advises the Pope on all things Catholic, and happens to be an ACoA, said he understood why I had to file for divorce. He even offered to pay!!!!

The vows you took never intended for a marriage where one person lived according to their own rules. That's what being married to an addict is. A marriage where one person has their own play book. It's not fair. One could even argue that it's not valid. God knows I love who I thought my husband was, but who was he?
I don't know.

You say your husband is trying now, but it still doesn't change the fact that he isn't who you thought you married. And in my thinking, getting out of a marriage to man you never truly agreed to marry isn't a sin.

pinkpeony

Very well said.