Rose56

Hi folks. Last night my husband came home a little before 7pm, from his drinking spot. I made dinner because he wasn't home when I arrived and the kids were hungry. When he came home I didn't say anything to him about his not being home, or about his drinking. I just went about my business. About 30 minutes later he came into our bedroom and asked if I wanted to have sex. We haven't had much sex lately. We have never had enough sex for him. I said I don't want to have sex when he is drinking becuase I don't feel loving toward him. I don't feel hopeful about our life. He said I am withholding sex as punishment for his drinking. He also said he has been thinking about having sex with other women lately because we have no sex. He has always been faithful to me. I have never worried about his thinking about having sex with other women.
So why am I telling you all this? I don't know, because I am so upset and don't have anyone else to talk to I guess. I don't want to feel pressured about sex. I told him he was not meeting my other needs but he is not concerned about that only about my not meeting his needs. I know he needs to feel loved and feels that way when we have sex. But I need to feel loved too and I feel that way when he is not drinking.
I am sorry I am rambling. I am feeling so lost and alone. I keep reminding myself to just keep breathing, but this morning even that seems hard to do. I feel like I can't get a full breath. Like something is sitting on my chest and pressing down. Thanks for listening.

jjaa

Rose, I am so glad you got all that out. I know, sometimes I just have to let someone know how I feel and this is a safe place.
You said what you meant and didn't say it mean, that's great. When my husband came home like that I would go into a rage. Of course it didn't help matters. I have to remember that it doesn't really matter what I do or don't do or say or don't say. The alcoholic is so sick and manipulative that I am powerless. So I have to try and be true to myself and let go. Sounds easy but for me very difficult; I feel responsible for everything. When I started taking care of myself and detaching from him he tried to guilt me into things when that didn't work he tried other things. Finally he gave up and got sober on his own. We are both very controlling and it makes for very funny situations sometimes.(now it's funny, then it was crazy)Love, JJ

JT

Morning Rose,

Everything that you are feeling is normal and everything he is doing is typical...
He is just quacking away trying to manipulate your thinking...
Try not to worry yourself too much about it, you are doing really well...so just keep on keepin' on and you will get more empowered everyday!

Hugs
Paula

helluvagalnva

Hi Rose,

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you but I don't. The only thing I can tell you is that I felt that way too. My therapist told me that men have to make love to feel loved and women have to feel loved to make love. That's just the difference between a man's and a woman's chemical make-up. It's hard to want someone that has hurt and disappointed you so badly time and time again to touch you much less have sex with them. I cringe at my A's touch I couldn't imagine making love to him right now. Oh yeah by the way he fell off the wagon. He's drinking again. What a suprise and more lies..lies..lies.. It just gets to a point were you just can't deal with it anymore if you value your sanity.

You are very normal in feeling the way you do. Don't be so hard on yourself you aren't perfect. Give yourself a break, you deserve it. I know it's easier said then done. I sit here and tell you this stuff but I have the same problems and feelings that you do. That's why we all come here. We're all the same in one or more ways.

I can tell you that it does get easier with time and when you're ready the answers will come to you. That's what's happening to me anyway. I still have my bad moments even days but they're getting fewer and fewer if I stay focused. Although, if I let my self get off track then I start sliding backwards.

Take care and I really hope you feel better ... Just think of today...Do something to take your mind off of it. Plant some flowers or go shopping even if you have to window shop and remember that tomorrow will be a whole new day.

Lots of Love,
Galnva

Rose56

Thanks all. Yes, I do feel better. It feels wonderful to be listened to and understood. Better days are coming......right?

firefly

Rose, Absolutely

As for him,

bonbon

All I got to say is the better days better be coming! Rose I'm waiting for them with you! Your doing great!

Love,
bonbon

chronic

Hey Rose,

That kind of stuff makes me mad. That is emotional blackmail. You do not deserve that. I know if my partner were to give me a line like that what I would say, but I won't say that here.

I'm sorry you are having to suffer this way. If he really means that and follows through with that, then it seems to me he has no respect for you and the marriage. Of course if he is using, he wouldn't have much respect for himself.

I wish you all the best in handling this situation.

chivapiano

Rose, just more B.S. and yadda yadda yadda from your husband. God bless him if he can even find a woman who wants to lay a souse. They deserve each other. You should not give in and submit yourself to an experience which will not bring you joy or satisfaction but which will, in all probability, depress you and debase you. Tell him that when he gets his **** together and starts treating you with the respect and love you deserve then you'll try to re-build a sexual relationship with him. Tell him its a standing offer but only on the table for a limited period of time.
I hate that kind of ****. He gives you nothing but expects you to satisfy his needs. Nothing wrong at all with being angry about that.