Ok, I have made the decision
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Ok, I have made the decision
AH called today ( my posts always start this way). He will admit that he is abusive now. He has decided to make nature his HP.
He has been trying not to get a divorce since my ex died (he feels it was out of line of me to cry about ex dying and because I cried it was even further proof to him that I was still in love with ex and was just "settling" with him now that ex was dead). To him, there is nothing left in our marriage. He thinks we should stop the illusion.
I simply said ok and hung up.
I KNOW that he will try to retract this. Maybe I'm wrong, but it really doesn't matter at this point.
I am going to MAKE him follow through on this. I think this dude needs to lose everything to make him see...but again, I'm keeping my hands off of this. I will seek for divorce if he tries to back out of this. I have made up my mind.
Sooooo....I talked to his kids. I told them that I would not abandon them. I told them that he *could* come home in 2 weeks and take them away. That I would not have things totally square in that time frame. My eldest (his bio) wanted to stick him in a mental institution. (kind of funny but not really).
I told them I would seek legal advice tomorrow, but I needed them to understand that I couldn't promise that AH wouldn't take them out of the house when he gets out of rehab. My son said he would just refuse to go. I told him I didn't want him putting himself in a dangerous position with his father.
So, I mean, even if I DID call CPS, AH has a few things going for him.
1. he has a job.
2. he will have just completed treatment
3. he has never been verbally, physically, or emotionally abusive to his children.
I think I could prove that he not "out of the water" yet on his sobriety and be given temporary custody.
I have a couple things going for me:
1. I have the house that the kids have resided for some time.
2. I *could* have a job next week if I wanted
3. The kids have the desire to continue living with me and they are 13 & 14.
4. I do not have a history of alcoholism.
Any thoughts on any of this?
I spoke with ALL the kids. We talked about dad being sick, we talked about no progress being made, and we talked about loving ourselves enough to let dad go make his own path. That *we* couldn't fix him. All of us agreed on these things.
Also, the kids have agreed to go to counseling and talk about all this crap. I would have made them anyway, but I'm glad they all think it's a good idea.
I am going to seek a divorce with this man. I really am. I believe this to be what God wanted ME to see while AH was in treatment.
He has been trying not to get a divorce since my ex died (he feels it was out of line of me to cry about ex dying and because I cried it was even further proof to him that I was still in love with ex and was just "settling" with him now that ex was dead). To him, there is nothing left in our marriage. He thinks we should stop the illusion.
I simply said ok and hung up.
I KNOW that he will try to retract this. Maybe I'm wrong, but it really doesn't matter at this point.
I am going to MAKE him follow through on this. I think this dude needs to lose everything to make him see...but again, I'm keeping my hands off of this. I will seek for divorce if he tries to back out of this. I have made up my mind.
Sooooo....I talked to his kids. I told them that I would not abandon them. I told them that he *could* come home in 2 weeks and take them away. That I would not have things totally square in that time frame. My eldest (his bio) wanted to stick him in a mental institution. (kind of funny but not really).
I told them I would seek legal advice tomorrow, but I needed them to understand that I couldn't promise that AH wouldn't take them out of the house when he gets out of rehab. My son said he would just refuse to go. I told him I didn't want him putting himself in a dangerous position with his father.
So, I mean, even if I DID call CPS, AH has a few things going for him.
1. he has a job.
2. he will have just completed treatment
3. he has never been verbally, physically, or emotionally abusive to his children.
I think I could prove that he not "out of the water" yet on his sobriety and be given temporary custody.
I have a couple things going for me:
1. I have the house that the kids have resided for some time.
2. I *could* have a job next week if I wanted
3. The kids have the desire to continue living with me and they are 13 & 14.
4. I do not have a history of alcoholism.
Any thoughts on any of this?
I spoke with ALL the kids. We talked about dad being sick, we talked about no progress being made, and we talked about loving ourselves enough to let dad go make his own path. That *we* couldn't fix him. All of us agreed on these things.
Also, the kids have agreed to go to counseling and talk about all this crap. I would have made them anyway, but I'm glad they all think it's a good idea.
I am going to seek a divorce with this man. I really am. I believe this to be what God wanted ME to see while AH was in treatment.
Last edited by freetosmile; 01-04-2015 at 12:33 PM. Reason: more info
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Just being an active A is emotionally abusive to children. I know the adults don't see it that way, but it's true. Unfortunately, the courts don't often see it that way, either. If the kids are old enough to choose, then I certainly hope that their preferences are considered in the end. Don't have any advice for you, but I think you're making the best choice for all of you.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Hey. Forgot that he is still in Rehab. As in STILL inside/at Rehab, right?
jmho. Put most of this nonsense on IGNORE.
Rehab makes a normal A crazy, and a Crazy A (talking about Mental Illness) just absolutely bonkers.
Really. It was so extreme for us that when we went to pick her up at the Airport, on Return from Rehab, she was going whacky in the car ride home talking in "Demon Voices." Just nutz. Really. She would flip in and out of "Voices" for the about the first 6 to 8 months after return.
You understand that yours is still fighting the "God" thing? And is still trying to run things at your home while he is away because he cannot even run himself?
Comical. Sad, but Comical.
Just nonsense.
Olde but goodie from Billy Joel. "You should never argue with a Crazy Ma-a-a-n -- You oughta know by now."
Just take care of YOUR stuff and the KIDS.
And turn the ALL-ABOUT-THE-A, ALL-THE-TIME Channel "OFF."
jmho. Put most of this nonsense on IGNORE.
Rehab makes a normal A crazy, and a Crazy A (talking about Mental Illness) just absolutely bonkers.
Really. It was so extreme for us that when we went to pick her up at the Airport, on Return from Rehab, she was going whacky in the car ride home talking in "Demon Voices." Just nutz. Really. She would flip in and out of "Voices" for the about the first 6 to 8 months after return.
You understand that yours is still fighting the "God" thing? And is still trying to run things at your home while he is away because he cannot even run himself?
Comical. Sad, but Comical. Just nonsense.
Olde but goodie from Billy Joel. "You should never argue with a Crazy Ma-a-a-n -- You oughta know by now."
Just take care of YOUR stuff and the KIDS.
And turn the ALL-ABOUT-THE-A, ALL-THE-TIME Channel "OFF."
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
by the way -- not to get into Tech Terms -- but this is generally called a Narcissistic Injury.
Narcissistic rage and narcissistic injury - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Narcissistic Injury Explained. Narcissistic Rage.
House of Mirrors: How To Cause Narcissistic Injury Without Really Trying
He has been trying not to get a divorce since my ex died (he feels it was out of line of me to cry about ex dying and because I cried it was even further proof to him that I was still in love with ex and was just "settling" with him now that ex was dead). To him, there is nothing left in our marriage. He thinks we should stop the illusion.
Narcissistic Injury Explained. Narcissistic Rage.
House of Mirrors: How To Cause Narcissistic Injury Without Really Trying
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I want to ask you seriously and honestly is this on your time frame, or on ours?
I don't know what it is like for someone to go to rehab, so I really don't know the feelings behind all of that.
I see you growing and coming out of your shell more and more. I see you starting to accept the situation that you are in and not liking it. You are getting stronger. I don't think this stronger person that you are becoming being able to eat the "chit dish" that you were being served before.
There will be good times and good feelings, then sometimes you will take one or two steps back. They really are so good with the pity act.
I just need to know that you understand that you may be feeling like this, because right now, he has no way to come home. I understand all of that, my ex used to disappear. I would start to get things right in my head as to what I wanted, and he would show up.
I guess in a way I am looking at both sides for you, because I know what you are embarking on may turn out to be extremely difficult, but I also so much in awe of your awakening as to what you want and need in your life.
Kudo's to you.
I'm with you all the way.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
I don't know what it is like for someone to go to rehab, so I really don't know the feelings behind all of that.
I see you growing and coming out of your shell more and more. I see you starting to accept the situation that you are in and not liking it. You are getting stronger. I don't think this stronger person that you are becoming being able to eat the "chit dish" that you were being served before.
There will be good times and good feelings, then sometimes you will take one or two steps back. They really are so good with the pity act.
I just need to know that you understand that you may be feeling like this, because right now, he has no way to come home. I understand all of that, my ex used to disappear. I would start to get things right in my head as to what I wanted, and he would show up.
I guess in a way I am looking at both sides for you, because I know what you are embarking on may turn out to be extremely difficult, but I also so much in awe of your awakening as to what you want and need in your life.
Kudo's to you.
I'm with you all the way.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
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Posts: 1,022
No, this is on my time frame. Really.
He called again. (yes, i answered). He now has made a boundary that states my sister is not allowed in his house or around him AND the kids. Since she told BIL that he was in treatment.
I told him I did not agree with that boundary and that it sounded like an ultimatum. It was he admitted. So...he says he will call on Wednesday to await my decision. So NOW, he retracted his divorce and put it on ME.
My sister has done nothing wrong but have a big mouth. He understands that she is the only friend I have.
I asked him if he has run this by his counselor. I implied that the boundary was for me not for him. And that I would not be making ANY decision like that.
No, this is on my time. It's just getting worse. I didn't answer his phone calls last night, which really pissed him off.
No....this is my time frame. It really is. I'm not being persuaded or talked into anything. I understand he is in rehab, but this goes beyond alcoholism. This is some huge monster that I can't comprehend.
The other day it was still my clothes that were the problem and has now included my pants, not just shirts. Then it's the ex. Now it's my sister. This list is getting longer and I'm just about to burst into tears here. F this. This is unbelievable.
He called again. (yes, i answered). He now has made a boundary that states my sister is not allowed in his house or around him AND the kids. Since she told BIL that he was in treatment.
I told him I did not agree with that boundary and that it sounded like an ultimatum. It was he admitted. So...he says he will call on Wednesday to await my decision. So NOW, he retracted his divorce and put it on ME.
My sister has done nothing wrong but have a big mouth. He understands that she is the only friend I have.
I asked him if he has run this by his counselor. I implied that the boundary was for me not for him. And that I would not be making ANY decision like that.
No, this is on my time. It's just getting worse. I didn't answer his phone calls last night, which really pissed him off.
No....this is my time frame. It really is. I'm not being persuaded or talked into anything. I understand he is in rehab, but this goes beyond alcoholism. This is some huge monster that I can't comprehend.
The other day it was still my clothes that were the problem and has now included my pants, not just shirts. Then it's the ex. Now it's my sister. This list is getting longer and I'm just about to burst into tears here. F this. This is unbelievable.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I just wanted to make sure. Yes, he is being extremely controlling right now. I guess you know that has not changed. It has increased.
I don't really matters if he stops drinking, he will still consider you as a possession and not a person.
He is showing his true colors from all those miles away.
I just want to (((((hug)))) you and tell you all things will be OK. Just know that I am here for you, whenever you need a friend.
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))
amy
I don't really matters if he stops drinking, he will still consider you as a possession and not a person.
He is showing his true colors from all those miles away.
I just want to (((((hug)))) you and tell you all things will be OK. Just know that I am here for you, whenever you need a friend.
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))
amy
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by freetosmile 
I am not going to answer his calls ANYMORE. And I'm not doing family day. It's a waste of my effing time.
Don't worry so much about Family Day.
Have helped on one for the last year.
Generally that is for the Family. (not the A). Goes over the three C's, where to find / get help for YOU (and any kids).
But since you are here and heading deep into Alanon (right?) you will cover all that on your own, as well.
One thing that was interesting from that -- folks at Family Day would come up to me in the parking lot, on the way out -- and say they were just there to go through the motions and parade -- but after the Alanon session they were going to Alanon.
========
So. What would you be doing enjoyable if you were not fretting about an A? I would suggest you do that. Now.
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Yes, I am deep in al-anon. As much as I can be. I am going to deep clean my house now. Not enjoyable, but much needed!
He is safe, we are safe. I'm not delivering on an ultimatum and I'm not answering his calls.
very forced smile...but a SMILE none the less.
He is safe, we are safe. I'm not delivering on an ultimatum and I'm not answering his calls.
very forced smile...but a SMILE none the less.
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Originally Posted by freetosmile
I am not going to answer his calls ANYMORE. And I'm not doing family day. It's a waste of my effing time.
Regarding your step children Free, I know at this point it's impossible to know what the future will bring, but you're setting a wonderful example for them of how a loving parent is suppose to act. A counter balance to their dad, with his constantly changing higher power. That's going to count for something.
((((((Hugs)))))) to you my friend. I'm going to be praying for all of you. Even your husband. Though my HP may have to pass the message on to his HP once he figures out what it is.
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Oh but hey guess what!?
He called BACK!! Imagine that! I didn't answer. He left a voicemail just saying that he loved me and wanted me to know this.
at 350$ a day, this treatment place really needs to revamp their schedule. Clearly their patients have too much time on their hands.
I mean, THANK GOD he loves me...I was really starting to wonder.
He called BACK!! Imagine that! I didn't answer. He left a voicemail just saying that he loved me and wanted me to know this.
at 350$ a day, this treatment place really needs to revamp their schedule. Clearly their patients have too much time on their hands.
I mean, THANK GOD he loves me...I was really starting to wonder.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
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Yep, you were starting to say how you wanted to be treated, and what you will not tolerate anymore . Now we have the "hoover" trying to suck you back in like a vacuum cleaner. Don't respond, you will get more of the same or it will go into the control aspect where he is cursing at you again.
(((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy
(((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy
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Posts: 3,178
It's Sunday Free. It is provably family day and a fair amount of free time.
I'd report all of this to his T there....
I'd report all of this to his T there....
Originally Posted by freetosmile
Oh but hey guess what!?
He called BACK!! Imagine that! I didn't answer. He left a voicemail just saying that he loved me and wanted me to know this.
at 350$ a day, this treatment place really needs to revamp their schedule. Clearly their patients have too much time on their hands.
I mean, THANK GOD he loves me...I was really starting to wonder.
He called BACK!! Imagine that! I didn't answer. He left a voicemail just saying that he loved me and wanted me to know this.
at 350$ a day, this treatment place really needs to revamp their schedule. Clearly their patients have too much time on their hands.
I mean, THANK GOD he loves me...I was really starting to wonder.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
FTS- Sounds like you have taken some time and done your homework on what is best for you and the kids. Make sure you are strong enough to follow through with what you have to do. Stay on your side of the street and work your program.
I hope he stays sober and gets his act together. You can always rekindle the relationship when he is well.
I am glad to see you doing so well!!
Happy New Year Free to Smile!!
I hope he stays sober and gets his act together. You can always rekindle the relationship when he is well.
I am glad to see you doing so well!!
Happy New Year Free to Smile!!
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