trustno1

What is wrong with me ? I have been down this road before and here I am AGAIN. March 2010, I made my AH leave for lying, cheating, drinking. It hurt. How could he do this to me ? We loved each other.
September 2013, he moved back in by October 2014, he walked out. Never communicates, everyone calls him the mystery man.

To the rest of the world he is normal. A great family man. Always helping his grown kids, being kind and generous to everyone. Never missed a day's work.
BUT no one saw what I saw. No lived what I lived. Did he physically abuse me ? Never. But was he distant ? Yes. We only acted as best friends.

I came back from vacation with my friend since he didn't want to go on a vacation with me. Prior to going he kept telling me how much he loves me, will miss me, how when I get back, he wants to take days off and do things with me. While I was gone, he kept emailing me telling me this stuff all over again and again. Meanwhile, he never gave up his apartment, which was a few blocks from our house and across the street from my friend's house. Claims he couldn't get out of the lease. I knew and our grown, married sons knew he was stalling.

2 weeks after I got back, he walked out. I had no idea what happened. Blindsided.
Days later my friend said she saw him moving clothes back into the apartment while I was away. I confronted him about it. He gave me the answer, " it was cleaning clothes. I was cleaning out the apartment." I told him I didn't believe him, that I caught him in so many lies, I don't believe it.

I am trying my best to meditate, use Law of Attraction to attract a better person in my life, a better partner.

On Christmas Day he gave me card with a generous gift. Said I will always be special to him. He says he loves me but the past is too much for him, all the arguing. Arguing ? When he came back, I didn't bother him at all. I let him drink, didn't say a word and he has the nerve to say I argued with him.

SO, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME ? Why is it so hard to stop thinking about him? Why do I let all the good memories override the bad stuff ? I keep hoping and praying for a miracle.

Only 2 times since March 2010, did he admit he had a drinking problem. " I can handle it" he claims. No, he can't.

What is so sad, he is not a youngster. We are senior citizens. Soon we will be grandparents. I cannot divorce him now because he pays for my medical insurance. I just retired in June. My pension is not enough to keep me afloat. Once again he broke his promise of never leaving me, never hurting me.

Honestly, he has never hit bottom. WOW, I guess this can go on indefinitely.

Why doesn't he let me go ? I guess in reality he is afraid since he knows how loving, caring, forgiving I am.

How do I stop my focus on him ? I say the serenity prayer. Used to go to Al Anon but the group near me broke apart.
I meditate. Try to do the Law of Attraction.
Yet, after watching the movie, When A Man Loves A Woman, I was crying because I want a happy ending.

Is the universe trying to tell me that he isn't the right partner for me ? After 38 years ?

My mom was a functioning alcoholic but she stayed with my dad, never cheated. Eventually she quit on her own and her last 10 years of her life, she was sober.
They truly loved each other.

It is very hard when 2 people love each other. I know how sick he is. He doesn't know it. When he lived here with me again, I was amazed how he could drink all night long, last drink at 4 am. Wake up at 5:30am and go to work. I would be sick as a dog.

Since he left, I haven't had a glass of any alcohol. Made a promise. If I don't drink, please make him stop. Guess that is unrealistic of me ? Guess prayers don't get heard. At one point I was so desperate for him to get healed, I almost went back to church.

I know my friends / our friends are sad. They saw us and envied us because we truly acted like best friends, always doing things together and having fun, whether it was hiking in the snow, riding bicycles, etc. We love nature, going out to eat, doing day trips. He told me time and again what a wonderful mother I am, what a great/ special person I am.

It is that emotional roller coaster, I want you, I don't want you.

Hammer

Most likely the show you are watching is what is going on in his head.

He just makes it up and projects it out on you and those around you.

Does not sound like a fun show.

May want to change the channel.

lillamy

Wow there -- slow down and take a breath for a second.

Your husband is doing all these things to you. God isn't answering your prayers. Everything is a big mess around you and... breathe. And again.

It's hard when you feel like things are just happening to you and you have no control over them. It's hard when you trust someone who keeps lying to you. It's also hard to realize what you DO have control over -- and that is, what you allow.

You say you can't divorce him because he's paying for your health insurance. OK. Have you done any research to see whether you qualify for Medicaid? Many states are expanding that program, so if your income is on the low side, that might take care of it. Depending on what state you live in, you may also be able to afford a basic health care plan on your own.

I don't want to sound pushy, but you remind me of me a bit. I was in a marriage with an A, and I felt STUCK. I was 40 years old and basically just sitting around waiting to die because I saw myself as a victim of his drinking and abuse and I had nothing to look forward to and it was all a mess and God didn't do what I wanted him to.

In my marriage, God worked on the person who was willing to change: ME. It took years of therapy and Al-Anon and prayer and patting myself on the back and telling myself I could do it, but eventually, I DID stand up to that A I was married to. Eventually, I did leave.

That was the solution for me. It might not be for you. But I pointed to the example with the health insurance because I know that we can get hung up on Impossibles that we have decided are The Big Obstacle That Means We're Stuck without really figuring out if that's true -- or if it's just that thing we stick in front of the mess so that we have an excuse to not deal with it?

Either way -- I'm glad you're here at SR. It's a place to vent and breathe and learn and cry and... maybe above all, be understood. And if you feel misunderstood by me, or by Hammer -- be patient. People will come around that you feel "get" you. I promise.

trustno1

Thank you for your response. Divorce was never in my vocabulary. I truly believe and I could be wrong, but if he didn't drink, I think he would be the man I married. I see it first hand with a family member. Once he hit rock bottom, he became a better person. A more caring, emotionally supportive individual.

Not like I haven't been in counseling. I was for close to 5 years. I accepted who my AH was, the good part of him. As my counselor said time and time again, ( she had met with him about 10 times) think of him as having cancer. Would you leave him ?

I know alcohol has messed him up. He still says he doesn't know what he wants to do. He is very conflicted. He hasn't totally moved his stuff out.

When all this happened, the philosophy of Buddhism helped me greatly. I did love him unconditionally and I guess foolishly believed my love would heal him. Buddhism is all about loving and accepting but do not tolerate alcohol.

I still don't think divorce is the answer. I know plenty of people who do not divorce and go on with their lives. I also have many friends who divorced and are back with their ex.

I know I need to focus on me and me alone. Sometimes it is easier said than done.

While we were separated, all I ever hoped and prayed for was for him to come back to me. He did but not sober.

Guess my Law of Attraction, asking for a sober partner didn't work. Guess my prayers didn't work as well. As my sister said, " pray that you get the strength to deal with whatever happens". I do.

marie1960

so maybe him living in this apartment is not such a bad thing? I mean if he is not choosing recovery for himself, at least this way you don't have to take a front row seat to his alcohol issues. You state that you are currently dependent on the medical insurance coverage, well I do see that perhaps (at least one )your prayers are being answered here, it just is very unfortunate that it was not the answer you were praying for.

Baby steps, friend you don't have to decide the rest of your life today, and maybe you don't ever need to divorce, time to think about what is best for trustno1, in time more will be revealed.

Glad you are with us, lots of support to be found here.

pinkpeony

.

pinkpeony

Your husband sounds very much like mine, everyone loves him and thinks he's just the best. In truth he's a liar, manipulator and a great actor/pretender. He does have some great qualities but they don't compensate for his alcoholism.

We are in our 40's, been together 20 years. Have wasted so many years separating (a year or two at a time and for shorter time intervals) yet always gravitating back to each other. When it's good, its great, when bad...well, you know.

I firmly believe that we both love each other. We are both sick however. It's always great for a time period getting back together, but the bad always seeps back in and will continue to do so.

Take care of you.

trustno1

OMG. This is / was my life for the past 10 years. I am 60 now and he is 62. I am on my way to buy the book Co Dependent No More. It is sad cuz we love each other but it is not healthy. I wish us The Best. Thank you for writing pink peony.

Catherine628

I'm glad to hear you're getting Codependent No More. That was going to be my suggestion. I think it's an excellent place to start.

NWGRITS

Welcome, trustino. You've come to the right place. One thing to need to know is that your sober husband and drinking husband are the same person. You can't accept one part of him but not the rest.

Do you have a therapist who is an addiction specialist? Some of the advice they've given you is questionable in this kind of situation. Would I leave a family member who had cancer? If they kept going back to the store to buy more cancer, yes. Your AH is going to the store for more cancer over and over again.

It's hard, but the only person you can change is yourself. You can't change him. You can accept him as he is, completely - both drinking and not. Or, you can not accept it and work on you and get the life you deserve. But you have time to figure it all out.

trustno1

Very good point NWGRITS about going back to get more cancer. I do not believe my counselor is an addiction specialist. BUT then again, I never asked her.

I read the book last night for 2 hours. Can't wait to start reading it again. I was also journaling at the same time, because at the end of each chapter it suggested you do so.

Over the years I have spent about a $1,000 on books. Yet, I never got this one. It should have been the first one thus it would have saved me tons of money. LOL

dandylion

trustno1.....for what it is worth...I have know several people who lived separarely but never did divorce. It seemed to work for them. Some of them sort of "dated"..each other and other people as well!!!!!!!! Sort of like the benefits of being single and, yet, married (legally) at the same time.
Very pragmatic, to be sure....
But it worked for them.....

***I would make sure that he has hefty life insurance...even if you have to pay for it..(wink, wink).

dandylion

***I know that y ou desperately want him back....but, you have also implied that your life behind closed doors was some sort of hell.
Honestly, I don't think many people come to this forum because they are so happy....
Your inner happiness does have a value....

trustno1

Would like to add that I am currently doing the 21 day meditation with Deepak Chopra. You see, I believe in Law of Attraction. It has worked for me. Now I have to refocus my intentions for me and just me.

You see, I still believe that the A's in my life where / are good people, they are sick. They did the best they could. It is about forgiveness. I don't have any anger.

Namaste

trustno1

dandylion, too cute. We shall see what the universe will give to me.

We are both on each other's pension / insurance. He still helps with all finances.
Nobody here knows him like I do. If I had to pick another man to be a father to my children, I would pick him all over again. He is THE BEST DAD EVER. He helped me when they were babies, very hands on. He continually helps them with their houses and when our daughter in law, was not even engaged to our son but needed a car, he bought her a used car. Her parents didn't. He is extremely generous and gives of his time to our senior citizen neighbor ( 94 years old), to my brother in law, who suffers from a condition that affects his mind but not Alzheimers. This man truly possess admirable qualities. I will always look to his best and hope that he eventually heals himself.

What ever happens to us is not for me / us to determine.

I promise myself to stop obsessing over him. This is about me.

trustno1

dandylion, too cute. We shall see what the universe will give to me.

We are both on each other's pension / insurance. He still helps with all finances.
Nobody here knows him like I do. If I had to pick another man to be a father to my children, I would pick him all over again. He is THE BEST DAD EVER. He helped me when they were babies, very hands on. He continually helps them with their houses and when our daughter in law, was not even engaged to our son but needed a car, he bought her a used car. Her parents didn't. He is extremely generous and gives of his time to our senior citizen neighbor ( 94 years old), to my brother in law, who suffers from a condition that affects his mind but not Alzheimers. This man truly possess admirable qualities. I will always look to his best and hope that he eventually heals himself.

What ever happens to us is not for me / us to determine.

I promise myself to stop obsessing over him. This is about me.

lillamy

There is nothing wrong with unconventional choices if you feel like divorce is an absolute no. I, too, know couples who live separated and "date" when the A is able to stay sober.

I will also tell you this: When I married, I was marrying for life. Divorce was not in my vocabulary. I looked down on people who divorced. My faith told me divorce was ungodly. I spent 20 years praying for God to make my husband stop drinking. I felt like other women, the ones who left their AHs, were just bad wives, bad Christians, and clearly didn't love their husbands enough.

Something funny happened over the years to me. I was so convinced I was right, that my choice to stay was right, that I was a righteous loving wife... and over time, I came to realize that it wasn't love that kept me in the marriage; it wasn't obedience to church rules; it was PRIDE. Staying despite the abuse made me feel better than other people. That revelation was huge for me.

I'm not saying that is what you're doing. I think what I'm saying is -- I believe we always get an answer to prayer. But the answer isn't always what we want. And sometimes, the answer is hard to accept.

An old pastor of mine advised me that God always answer prayer -- and that when we ask him to work on a relationship, he does. But he always works on the person in the relationship who is most open to being changed. In my marriage, that was me. It ended up breaking up my marriage, and I have made peace with that.

I hope you can find peace regardless of what your husband chooses to do.

trustno1

Beautiful.

Since the new year started, I have been wearing 4 bracelets. A grandmother one from my future granddaughter, my 1st grandchild. It is the Alex and Ani bracelet. Then I wear 3 handmade bracelets. One says, Positive. One says Happy. One says Strong. These 3 words describe me BUT more importantly, they describe a little girl from NJ who is in Stage 4 of Neuroblastoma Cancer. I saw her on the news Christmas Eve morning. The Make a Wish Foundation honored her wish to meet with the pope. If you want to read about her, her name is Gracie West. She is a patient at CHOP. She had one request of her surgeon from CHOP, to wear her rosary beads when performing her surgery. He did. I have a special connection to CHOP as well.
I believe that we are all connected in some way. Gracie is fighting her battle for her life, I am facing my own battle. I am very healthy, physically. With reading Co Dependent No More, I WILL BECOME STRONGER.
Again, only time will tell what will happen to me and my AH.
My only reason for coming on here, wasn't because I was angry at him. I have accepted that part of him. It was for me to handle stop thinking / obsessing about him.
In another thread on this site, I read that someone purchased THE book. CO Dependent No More.
See, my prayers were answered / Law of Attraction granted my wish.
Must get back to reading and journaling.
I am going to be okay. The hardest part was in 2010. He did a lot of bad stuff but he did cry & apologize. Who am I not to forgive ?

You don't have to agree with me and my way of thinking. As long as I can have peace & love in my heart, that is all I ask. Well, I do ask for a partner who is sober.
Maybe my AH will be in a special place in my heart. I don't know. I don't have all the answers right now. Maybe we will eventually just continue to live separately and date. I really don't know. What I do know from all my research, he is fighting a battle far worse than me. He really is a family person and I am sure that he beats himself up everyday for being this way. BUT he chooses to self medicate his pain. That is his issue.

Always with Peace & Love in my Heart.

LOL, just realized my username contradicts my feeling. LOL. I have my reason why I picked that username. That is my secret. Sometimes we just need to laugh out loud.

dandylion

trustno1...you say that your only reason for coming her was so that you could quit thinking/obsessing about him.

What, if I may ask--are your main thoughts regarding your relationship with him? Specifically.

dandylion

trustno1

Dandylion, not sure I understand your question.