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Old 01-04-2015, 09:37 AM
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Really need perspective

My horrible awful narcissistic abuser xAH blew off our kids during the 2 days he was to have had them over the last 2.5 weeks.

Was off visiting his girlfriend (also an addict) out of state and "forgot".

He and his sleaze attorney filed a contempt charge against me for not being flexible about vacation time and allowing him to make up the missed time on a different day.

Can someone PLEASE explain to me what the hell the use of a parenting plan is if he can just ignore it and blow the kids off, and then demand I change the kids plans and schedules to accommodate him?

Im at my wits end and cant comprehend how he can justify ANY of this.
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Old 01-04-2015, 09:55 AM
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He can't. No judge is going to hold you in contempt for that.

Do you have documentation of his scheduled time that he simply blew off?
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Old 01-04-2015, 10:46 AM
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Does your parenting plan state that he is to have an opportunity to "make up" a day? Does it dictate that you agree to be flexible.

My sister WAS held in contempt for something similar, so I hope you know the order like the back of your hand, as unfair as it is. Just make sure all YOUR ducks are in a row. And documentation of "he forgot". Because in my opinion, him "forgetting" does not mean that you have to flexible to his memory or obligation to children. Good riddance!
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Old 01-04-2015, 10:54 AM
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Anybody can file what ever they like with out basis at any time. You can go down and say...someone hit you (even if they did not) & file a warrant..When you get to court..is when evidence becomes a factor and the Judge gets to decide and or dole out consequences as the law allows.

He can make you jump through hoops for a bit..but the judge is not likely an idiot and will see through this and tire of it eventually. It is unfortunately part of the dance. Don't let it get to you..do what is best for your children and hope he moves on to his next prey soon..(as narcs do) and that he moves out of your and the kids lives.
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Old 01-04-2015, 11:08 AM
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Don't let his lawyer scare you. Look at what the plan says, if it says he can't make up the time, then see him in court. Save any evidence (texts, e-mails, voicemails) where he says "I was out of state and forgot I was going to have the kids" and any sane judge will say "well it seems your priorities are out of whack, Sir." End of story.

My ex threatened with lawyers and taking me back to court at every turn, too. Lots of noise and no action.
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Old 01-04-2015, 12:37 PM
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Keep a detailed journal of your ex,best advise I can give.
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Old 01-04-2015, 01:05 PM
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It may state in there something to the effect of making up or changing visitation "as agreed upon by both parties" --I doubt a judge will look favorably on him for being in another state visiting his girlfriend while conveniently forgetting it was his scheduled visitation time with his children.

Read over your paperwork and see what is in there about visitation "make ups". Either way, if it was his scheduled time and he didn't see them because he was in another state, I think that's pretty indefensible.

I also agree with keeping a log of EVERYTHING. Missed visits, late pick ups, early drop offs and any and every issue in between. It may not be admissible in court, but your attorney will look at it and you'll have everything conveniently written down to jog your memory if needed. Believe it or not, as angry as you are at the time things happen, you will tend to forget the details over time. Those details could end up being very important at a later date. Write it down - time, place, date, what was said, what was done. Skip nothing.
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Old 01-04-2015, 01:05 PM
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It may state in there something to the effect of making up or changing visitation "as agreed upon by both parties" --I doubt a judge will look favorably on him for being in another state visiting his girlfriend while conveniently forgetting it was his scheduled visitation time with his children.

Read over your paperwork and see what is in there about visitation "make ups". Either way, if it was his scheduled time and he didn't see them because he was in another state, I think that's pretty indefensible.

I also agree with keeping a log of EVERYTHING. Missed visits, late pick ups, early drop offs and any and every issue in between. It may not be admissible in court, but your attorney will look at it and you'll have everything conveniently written down to jog your memory if needed. Believe it or not, as angry as you are at the time things happen, you will tend to forget the details over time. Those details could end up being very important at a later date. Write it down - time, place, date, what was said, what was done. Skip nothing.
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Old 01-04-2015, 03:25 PM
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The state itself says parents must make a good faith effort to be "flexible". Code to a narcissist loser that means he can intentionally blow off the kids and demand the time he bothers to show up and say I'm denying him time if I don't.

The plan seems pretty cut and dry that skipping his time isn't ok but this state all but rewards deadbeat parents to give them endless chances so it's f ing exhausting.

I have a text convo w him about him wanting the two particular says he didn't show up and a day of rants that I should have "reminded" him. To me that's insane. I'll NEVER remind him. Ever. That's per the kids therapist who I took the kids to bc he skipped his appt w her while away and she told me I was nuts to think I should remind him of his parenting time.

So yeah I guess I have good documentation...
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Old 01-05-2015, 06:37 AM
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I keep a shared google calendar with my NPDx. Only I can edit it, and it shows when the kids should be where. If he doesn't look at it, not my problem.
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Old 01-05-2015, 07:48 AM
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Sorry to hear! Personally I think that the current system is set up to protect abusive men; my judge was stupid.
I set up an account with CoFamilies so that all of our communication was documented by an untamperable, third party system. The "proof" I bring into the judge the next time will be much easier to prove. It also cuts down our communication because I reserve the right to communicate how I wish, and keeps me sane because of the minimal contact. Google CoFamilies if you think it might help! Good luck hun!!!
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Old 01-05-2015, 08:29 AM
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I would document every visit. Was he on time, late, called ahead, just flaked out, reasons he gave etc. Just the facts. Love the google calendar idea too.

I would document every request he made regarding making up the days he missed. If it actually works out for the kids and you - than be flexible. If they have plans that can't be changed for some reason on the day he requests, or if for some reason you can't make that day work, than don't agree to that day and document your reasons why.

Personally I would communicate only by text or email so there is a log to back up your documentation. I wouldn't remind him either. Ignore his ranting on that subject with no response at all. He can type his rants till his fingers hurt. If he has a day in mind it either works or not and if it doesn't say 'No that day won't work because xyz is there another day?' If he badgers you I'd ignore and/or copy and paste that over and over. If there are really no days that work between now and his next visit than I guess he misses out and he can quack all he wants but you have your documentation to take to court if it comes to that.

Sorry for the ongoing stress.
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Old 01-05-2015, 08:37 AM
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This. 100%.

I am getting ready to do the same b/c my X just told me I should have told him he could have the kids more over Xmas break. Um...nope. If you want to claim your time, do it yourself. He tried to also tell me I don't know what the divorce decree says. Haha. I am the one who drafted it with the attorney about a million times. He had no part in it but to sign it. I told him I am not his mommy and that he will have to learn to be adult enough to read the divorce decree and figure his own crap out, and if he does not like it to take me to court. Ha. I then hung up on him.

Originally Posted by Florence View Post
I keep a shared google calendar with my NPDx. Only I can edit it, and it shows when the kids should be where. If he doesn't look at it, not my problem.
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Old 01-05-2015, 08:44 AM
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He's an adult. If he needs a REMINDER that he has parental responsibilities, then clearly, he shouldn't have any.

Being flexible to me means something like... if he's out of town at a conference and asks you ahead of time if you would mind shifting weekends with him so he can take an extra two days and go scuba diving. It doesn't mean blowing off his responsibility and then coming crying afterwards.
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Old 01-05-2015, 09:44 AM
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To be entirely honest I haven't set up a shared Google calendar bc I don't particularly want to set myself up to be responsible for making sure I enter everything.

I note all appts for myself. He has been told to give the school his address repeatedly to get notices. I remind him to do that still since he hasn't.

I can see a Google calendar turning into "well now you forgot to add something WTBH & I missed it and its your fault".

My experience is that any attempts I make get used against me and I have been worried about that.
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Old 01-05-2015, 09:49 AM
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To be entirely honest I haven't set up a shared Google calendar bc I don't particularly want to set myself up to be responsible for making sure I enter everything.
Why should you have to? I'm guessing he remembers things like showering, paying his bills, and doing laundry? He can keep his own damn calendar.
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Old 01-05-2015, 09:51 AM
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You don't have to, that is correct. I do it for my own piece of mind b/c my X loves to tell me I did not tell him something when I clearly did, multiple times. So really it's for me, not him.
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Old 01-05-2015, 09:52 AM
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
Why should you have to? I'm guessing he remembers things like showering, paying his bills, and doing laundry? He can keep his own damn calendar.
My sentiments exactly. Yet the idiotic court system seems to reward enabling loser fathers like my ex. A friend of mine got told she needed to use some paid calendar service by a GAL to help ensure her loser ex knew of stuff.

Funny my ex knows when he needs to get to things that matter to him. His kids and his parenting time is obviously not a priority and I'm so fed up w his bs "parenting"
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Old 01-05-2015, 09:54 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
You don't have to, that is correct. I do it for my own piece of mind b/c my X loves to tell me I did not tell him something when I clearly did, multiple times. So really it's for me, not him.
If I didn't think he would twist it and make it another game I would do it for my peace of mind too.

I just think he will always have an excuse and demand more and more enabling.
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Old 01-05-2015, 09:56 AM
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My experience is that any attempts I make get used against me and I have been worried about that.
Our exes seem to be very similar in this. I don't know if that's alcoholism or NPD, but any effort I made was turned against me, too -- thus my (somewhat angry) advice...
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